


The Long Road Of Coming to Terms

by nuttinonice



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Aged-Up Otabek Altin, Aged-Up Yuri Plisetsky, Bottom Otabek Altin, Bottom Yuri Plisetsky, Coming Out, Denial, Domestic Fluff, Eating Disorders, Explicit Consent, Explicit Sexual Content, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Homophobia, Homophobic Language, Hurt/Comfort, Internalized Homophobia, Light Angst, Loss of Virginity, M/M, Pining Otabek Altin, Protective Otabek Altin, Rating: NC17, Smut, Supportive Otabek Altin, Top Otabek Altin, Top Yuri Plisetsky, Yuri on Ice - Freeform, figure skater yuri/otabek still, lots of arguing and making up, mostly just them overcoming obstacles together tbh, not as angsty as it sounds lol, otayuri - Freeform, side victuri, woo theyre vers!, yurabek
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-18
Updated: 2018-08-04
Packaged: 2019-04-04 07:32:21
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 20
Words: 98,184
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14015337
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nuttinonice/pseuds/nuttinonice
Summary: So maybe everyone else on Team Russia is gay, but that doesn't mean Yuri is right? Otabek is his friend, his best friend. Everyone already calls him the Russian fairy. Why would he ever want to add twink to the mix?"You know that he likes you.”“Fuck off, he’s just friendly.”“Friends don’t bite the gloves off of other friend’s hands in front of ten thousand people then move to another country just to hang out.”Yuri rolled his eyes and watched from the side of the ice as Otabek practiced alongside Georgi, Yuuri, and Mila, hopping up on the divider to turn his back to the ice and rest his feet. He was on a quick water break, so of course, Victor had taken the opportunity to come and grill him over his love life, or lack thereof. “That glove thing was like two years ago.”





	1. Chapter One

"You know that he likes you.”

            “Fuck off, he’s just friendly.”

            “Friends don’t bite the gloves off of other friend’s hands in front of ten thousand people then move to another country just to hang out.”

            Yuri rolled his eyes and watched from the side of the ice as Otabek practiced alongside Georgi, Yuuri, and Mila, hopping up on the divider to turn his back to the ice and rest his feet. He was on a quick water break, so of course, Victor had taken the opportunity to come and grill him over his love life, or lack thereof. “That glove thing was like two years ago.”

            “And he’s been after you ever since.” Victor laughed. “Yuri, he _moved_ here.”

            “He moved here to train, not to see me.”

            “You said the long distance was killing you.”

            “So what? He’s my friend. I like getting to hang out with him and stuff now. After Barcelona it was just Skype calls and whatever competitions we had together and like, I don’t know, a few trips to Almaty.”

            Victor raised his eyebrows and Yuri rolled his eyes.

            “I don’t like guys, Victor.”

            “You say that, but-“

            “I _don’t_.”

            “Okay.” Victor shrugged, holding his hands up in mock surrender. “I’ll get back to practice.”

            “Why? You just got off-“

            “Hey Yura.” A warm voice said from behind and Yuri nearly toppled off the divider turning around to see Otabek.

            “Hey.” Yuri laughed as Victor got back on the ice, giving him a bit of a side eye as he skated off.

            “What time are you heading home?” Otabek asked, the Kazakh accent dripping from his voice as he reached for Yuri’s water bottle and took a few sips. He’d been drilling harder than usual out there. Yuri was surprised he still had so much energy after working so much on his quads.

            “I think in about an hour. Why?”

            “You want to come over? The apartment’s empty, so it’s kind of boring. We could order pizza.”

            Yuri’s stomach tightened. Stupid Victor was making him nervous about everything he did with Otabek. “Could you give me a ride back after?”

            “Yeah of course, or y’know, you can always just sleep over.”

            His heart thumped at that and he quickly shook his head. “It’s okay, I have to go to my place and feed the cat and stuff.” Fucking Victor. He’d never felt weird about any of this stuff until Victor started teasing him with all those dumb ideas about Otabek being gay.

If Otabek liked guys he would have told Yuri by now and Yuri would _know_ if he was gay himself, or bi, or whatever, and he wasn’t. He was eighteen. He’d know that kind of thing by now if he was and he didn’t want to be anyways.

            “Alright well just tell me when you want to go home, yeah? Come get me when you’re done practicing.” Otabek stroked his hand down Yuri’s back before handing back his water bottle and skating away again, leaving a little tingle on the small of his back.

            Yuri shook his head as soon as he was gone. Everything was the same as it always was. Victor had just gotten in his head. Those were just things that friends did and he wasn’t in love with Otabek just for liking it. He kicked his legs over to the other side of the divider and skated back out to practice. He was trying to add a quad lutz to his register, so at least he had that to distract him from how weird he was feeling. Nothing a few hard falls wouldn’t knock out of him.

            He shut out everyone else at the rink and just skated, running through his programs when he had enough space to do it, drilling the lutz until he started to fall a little less. Otabek would always wave to him each time they passed and he was annoyed at himself for immediately grinning at it every time, almost falling once in his rush to wave back.

            By the time they kicked their skates off and headed out to the parking lot, Yuri’s stomach was churning. Why _did_ he get so clumsy and nervous around Otabek? He’d never really had a best friend before, so it was easy for Victor to get in his head over what was romantic and what wasn’t. He’d never really experienced either.

            “I have the motorcycle today, so hold on to me, yeah?” Otabek said as they walked into the parking lot. “I don’t have a spare helmet, so we’ll take the slow way.”

            “Okay.” Yuri smiled as he swung his backpack over his shoulder, following Otabek to his parking spot. He fucking loved that bike. He’d been on it a few times in the past few months since Otabek had come to Russia and it was the coolest thing in the world. He let Otabek get on first then slid onto the seat behind him, locking his arms around Otabek’s waist like he always did.

            “You good?” Otabek asked and Yuri nodded, feeling his cheeks warm as he revved the engine and backed them out of the space.

            He hid his face in Otabek’s shoulder as they drove off, trying to get away from the cold air. He always forgot how freezing it could be when they drove against the wind. How was Otabek always so fucking warm? The bike vibrated underneath them as Otabek picked up speed and Yuri shut his eyes to just enjoy the short ride. For the first time all day, he felt relaxed.

            “You seem kind of tired.” Otabek said when they got to his apartment building, slowing down and pulling into the parking garage. “Do you have motion sickness or anything?”

            “Hm?” Yuri blinked as the bike stopped. “Oh. No, sorry I just had kind of a long practice.”

            “Aw, well let’s go get buzzed and order pizza.” Otabek laughed. “You’ll feel better.” He cocked his head towards the stairs and they headed up together.

It was one of their personal little rules, to never take the elevator, and they’d race up the stairs every time. Yuri usually had the advantage, being a lot lighter and faster, but it was a narrow hallway and being built like he was, Otabek could block him with one side step if he got ahead.

            They got to the seventh floor panting and laughing as Otabek fumbled to get the door unlocked, having beaten Yuri by barely a second.

            “I hate you, you cheat every time.” Yuri breathed as Otabek finally got the door open. “Do you still have that really good wine?”

            “The French one?”

            “I don’t know, whatever you gave me last time.” Yuri said as they walked in and dropped their bags by the door. He took a moment to kick his shoes off then ran over to collapse onto the sofa. Out of all the things in Otabek’s apartment, that couch was his favorite. It was huge and leather and you could sink right into it the moment you sat down.

“Ugh, I need to get better furniture.” Yuri sighed as he spread himself out on the couch, Otabek heading to the kitchen to pour their drinks and order the food. “Your stuff here is so nice. What do you want to watch?”

            “You can put on whatever.” Otabek called from the kitchen. “I’m kind of feeling horror movie?”

            “Okay.” Yuri shrugged, stretching to get the remote from the coffee table without having to sit up too much. “S _cary_ scary or like funny scary?”

            “Scary scary.” Otabek confirmed as he walked out with two wine glasses. “Pizza will be in half an hour. If we get bored, we can do shots.”

            “Shit, okay.” Yuri laughed. He had no idea how people in other countries waited until twenty-one to drink. Getting drunk with Otabek was probably his favorite pastime. He lifted up his legs so Otabek could sit down and rested them back in his lap as he hit play on one of the Saw movies Otabek had on his DVR, taking one of the wine glasses as he relaxed back against the armrest.

“Mm, this is the best shit to do after practice.” He mused before taking a few gulps. Otabek’s hand was resting on his calf, stroking it a little absentmindedly as they watched the movie. It made his skin tingle a little, but he liked that. It was warm. Plus, it wasn’t like they were cuddling or anything, it was just comfortable.

            Otabek downed his glass pretty quick, as did Yuri, so he went back to the kitchen and just brought the whole bottle, both of them filling up whenever they reached the bottom of their glass. The pizza came pretty fast and they were already buzzed, so they scarfed it down and shut off the lights to make the movie scarier.

            Yuri’s face felt warm and he already had that familiar dizzy feeling by then, relishing in the sensation of Otabek’s fingers just lightly stroking his calf through his practice leggings. Why did everyone always have to make things weird? Friends could do this sort of thing and it was nice. Not everything was sexual. “Hey Beka?”

            “Yeah?”

            “Um…” Yuri kept his eyes on the screen despite the gore and chewed the inside of his cheek for a moment. “Can I ask you something? It’s really dumb. I was just wondering and I’m, like, kinda drunk.”

            “Sure, Yura.” Otabek said, setting his fourth glass down and giving his knee a squeeze. “What’s up?”

            “Do you like guys? I mean, I don’t think you do, but Victor keeps saying stuff and, y’know, I just wanted to ask.” He felt his face turn hot as he asked, but he chocked that up to the alcohol.

            “Huh?” Otabek laughed. “Yuri, yeah. I mean, isn’t it obvious?”

            “What?”

            “That I’m gay? I thought you knew. Everyone knows.”

            Yuri’s stomach turned. “No, I um… I-I didn’t know.”

            “Is that… an issue?” Otabek blinked. “I thought that you did too.”

            “I don’t.”

            “Oh.” Otabek’s hand tensed a bit on Yuri’s knee. “Shit, well uh… sorry. I guess I never told you about me, but I really did think you knew.”

            “How um…” Yuri sighed and bit hard on his lower lip. Shit, if he’d been wrong about this then what else was he missing? “How’d you know?”

            “Know what?”

            “That you didn’t like girls.”

            “I don’t know, I mean I didn’t really figure it out until I was sixteen. I thought I was bi maybe when I was in middle school, but there was this girl who really liked me and we went on a few dates sophomore year. I liked her a lot, you know? Like hanging out with her, but uh…” Otabek blushed a little bit in the dark and started to pick at a loose thread in Yuri’s leggings as a distraction. “When we had sex, it just wasn’t good for me. I was super anxious and I had trouble staying hard. I couldn’t even finish and after that, I started experimenting with porn and y’know, then it was pretty easy to see what I liked.”

            Yuri winced a little at the image of Otabek fucking some girl, but he didn’t really get why. Who cared who Otabek had sex with?

            “I mean, how do you know that you like girls?” Otabek asked, his index finger drawing little circles on his thigh. “Is there someone?”

            “No, I just…” Yuri shrugged. “I don’t know. I’m not like Victor and Yuuri, or anything.”

            “Well everybody’s different. Have you been with anyone?”

            “No.” He blushed, turning back towards the TV and hoping Otabek couldn’t see how flushed he was in the dark. His heart was racing, but he didn’t understand why. Was he just embarrassed?

            “Hm.” Otabek shrugged. “Well if you say you’re straight, y’know, that’s who you are. Nothing wrong with that.”

            “Aren’t I supposed to say that to you?”

            “I guess, but hardly anyone on the team is straight, so I see why you might kind of feel like the odd one out.”

            “I’d rather be that.” Yuri grimaced. “Everyone already calls me a fairy. I don’t want to add twink to the mix.”

            “Is that what you’re worried about?”

            “I’m not worried about anything like that. I’m not gay which means it doesn’t matter.” Yuri huffed. He was getting tired of explaining this to everyone. Why was it so ridiculous for him to be straight? Everyone thought of him like some girly boy and he was getting tired of it.

Just as he turned his attention back to the movie, the volume spiked in a massive jump scare and he lurched closer to Otabek on instinct, turning to see his reaction, but bumping their noses together by accident. Shit, their faces were close. Really close.

            Otabek stared at him with wide eyes as Yuri stayed there, frozen. “Yura.” He swallowed, bringing his hand up to his cheek and stroking his thumb over his cheek. “I-“

            Yuri’s cock twitched in his briefs from the touch and that snapped him right back to reality. “Stop.” Yuri said, the feeling of his heart pounding rising from his chest to his throat. “This is… Th-This is weird, Beka. I’m gonna go home.”

            “Huh?” Otabek’s face fell. “Wait, wait, I-I wasn’t trying to… Y-You’re the one who moved in, I just thought…”

            “I don’t fucking like guys, Jesus, even you won’t believe me?” Yuri glared, taking his legs from Otabek’s lap and pushing himself off the sofa to grab his stuff.

            “Yuri, you don’t have to leave. E-Everything’s fine, I believe you. We can just watch the movie.”

            Yuri shook his head and grabbed his shoes from by the door, stumbling as he tried to get them back on with his lack of balance.

            “I can’t drive you home, we’re not sober.”

            “I’ll get an Uber.”

            “At least let me pay for it or something.”

            “I’ll wait for it outside.”

            “Yuri.” Otabek’s voice cracked a tiny bit, but Yuri ignored it. “Yuri, come on it’s freezing. I’m sorry, I-I’m just drunk and-“

            Yuri was out the door by then, his heart racing and his stomach queasy. Did he really get hard at the possibility of Otabek kissing him? No one could know about that. He liked girls. He knew that he did. He’d jacked off to porn a thousand times and he never watched gay shit, just normal fucking porn like everyone else watched. He rushed down the stairs and ordered his ride while he went, holding tight to the handrail to keep from falling.

When he got to the parking garage, he thought again about that hand on his cheek and shivered, his semi getting just a little stiffer before the arousal worsened his panic and his stomach lurched. He managed to make it to a corner of the garage before he vomited, puking up every sip of that red wine onto the asphalt. His stomach heaved until his throat burned and there was nothing else to throw up. Fuck, this couldn’t be happening. He’d rather die than let Victor be right about something like this.

            Yuri took the water bottle from his practice bag and gulped half of it down before digging his jacket out too and holding it in front of him to cover that stupid fucking bulge.

            He jumped into the backseat as soon as the car arrived out front and sat in the back, the jacket folded in his lap. What was going on with him? He’d been friends with Otabek ever since they met at the final and he’d never had these feelings before. Sure he’d always liked it when they sat close and stuff, but liking human contact didn’t mean he was attracted to someone. It had to just be Victor getting into his head. Even if Otabek was gay, that didn’t mean he was. He’d turned away from that kiss.

            “Thank you.” He swallowed when they arrived at his own apartment building, handing a generous tip to the driver before rushing out and heading upstairs. “Fucking come on.” He swore, fumbling with his key once he made it to the door. He’d sobered up for the most part, but his hands weren’t cooperating and the stiffness between his legs was still refusing to fade. “For fucks sake.” He finally got the door unlocked and shoved it open, slamming it shut behind him and locking all three of the locks before he dumped all his stuff by the door and bolted to his room.

            He was going to solve this shit right here and now.

Yuri pulled his laptop out from under his bed and opened it up as he kicked off his shoes, hopping on top of the bed and taking one quick second to go incognito before going straight to Porn Hub. He did like girls, he _knew_ that he did. He wasn’t going to be the stupid stereotype everyone wanted him to be.

He clicked on the first video he saw, just a straight couple fucking. Nothing crazy, nothing special, all that he needed to sort this shit out.

            Yuri took a deep breath and focused on the girl as he palmed himself through his leggings. His cock twitched against his hand and he breathed a sigh of relief, sliding his hand under the waistband of his leggings and underwear to stroke himself. He looked over her body and stroked himself harder, trying to get himself there, so he could be sure, but when the camera zeroed in on just her, he started to lose it a little bit.

“No, come on.” He winced, stroking with a tighter fist to stay hard. The camera switched again to the man, panning down from his face, down his chest to his abs until he pulled out of the girl briefly and the camera stopped right on his cock. Before Yuri could glance away, his own erection perked back up and he felt his face go pale. No fucking way.

He let go of himself and paused the video, rushing through the recommended videos on the sidebar until he found something with two girls and went full screen.

            In his desperation, he shoved the leggings and underwear down to his knees and got his second hand between his legs to massage his perineum as he watched, something he usually saved for the end. That and stroking himself as fast as he was kept him hard, but watching the video, he didn’t feel anything crazy and he started to feel most aroused every time he looked away from the screen and just felt what he was doing to himself.

Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck, he was a fucking idiot and he hated himself more and more each time he looked away from the screen.

When he finally forced himself to focus on it, he found himself cringing, his hand slowing on himself instinctually from the lack of arousal. “Come on.” He choked, letting go of himself as tears welled up in his eyes. Victor couldn’t be right about this. If he was really gay on top of being the Russian fairy, he’d die. No one would ever take him seriously. What would his Grandpa think?

His hands shook as he stopped touching himself completely and paused that video too, exiting out of the full screen and feeling his heart palpitate as he moved towards the category button. If he could watch gay porn without feeling anything, it meant everything was fine. He hit the button for the gay portion of the website and hit the first video that came up, keeping his hands off of himself to just watch and see how he’d feel.

The boy on the bottom looked kind of like himself, skinny and pale with longish blonde hair. He shivered a bit as the sex got started and tried to swallow the lump in his throat as he watched. It didn’t seem like anything too special and even looked a bit painful, but once a rhythm was found and the actors started moaning, he found himself squirming a bit. His heart jumped and his erection twitched with each new thrust until his hands started to tremble with the realization. He was completely, undeniably aroused by this and he sniffled as he wrapped a hand around himself, unable to resist. Nobody had to know. Whatever he did in his room was for him and him alone. One masturbation session didn’t mean he had to be just like Victor and Yuuri.

Yuri found himself gasping as he stroked himself this time, his thighs quivering as his hand became slick with pre-cum. When the actors flipped positions and he tightened his grip just a little bit, that was all it took for him to whimper and spill into his fist, tears welling up and blurring his vision as he finished harder than he usually did.

            “Fuck.” He choked when he looked down at himself, reaching over to grab a tissue from the nightstand so he could clean himself up before he closed the internet browser and shut his laptop.

What the fuck was he going to do about this? The team was completely saturated with people who were openly gay. If people found out about him, it would only make the stereotype worse, or people would think he was just copying Victor. Otabek couldn’t possibly forgive him for being so mad and insistent about being straight if it wasn’t even true. How had he gone his whole life without realizing? What would he do if the media found out? He’d be a complete laughing stock. Russian fairy turns out to be an _actual_ fairy. Who would care about his skating?

            He changed into some clean clothes and took a few deep breaths. It was fine. He just wouldn’t tell anyone about this. Everything would stay normal and he’d focus on skating, maybe find a girlfriend to be safe. His phone buzzed from the foot of the bed where he’d tossed it and his heart sank, walking over to see Otabek’s contact photo. What was he supposed to say to him now? He didn’t want to risk his best friend.

            “Hey Beka.” Yuri said when he answered it, lying back down on top of the covers with the phone pressed to his ear.

            “Hey, did you get home safe?”

            “Yeah, I’m here.”

            “Are um… Are you mad at me?”

            Yuri’s heart sank at the tone in his voice. He didn’t want to hurt Otabek because of his stupid personal drama. “No, it’s fine. Sorry I was kind of a dick, I was just drunk and stuff.”

            “Okay, I mean, I’m sorry I made you uncomfortable. I-I was drunk too, it didn’t mean anything.”

            His stomach clenched again. “Yeah.”

            “Um… I-I’m not implying anything at all when I say this, okay? I just want you to know that you can tell me anything, Yuri. Seriously.”

            He felt his face burn red and he curled up a little, wishing that Potya would wander in and bring him some comfort. “Okay, Beka. I’ll see you at practice tomorrow.”

            “Okay… See you, Yura.”

            Yuri hung up and sighed. Otabek fucking knew. Part of him wished they had just kissed, so he’d know what it felt like, but that would have made things even more complicated. He should just forget anything happened.

            “Potya?” He called out when he left the bedroom, finding her crouched under the coffee table in his living room. “Hey you.” He sighed, picking her up and planting a few kisses to her tiny head. “You want to watch a movie with me?”

            She mewed in response and Yuri finally smiled, plopping down on the couch with her and grabbing the TV remote. “At least you aren’t obsessed with people’s sexualities, yeah?” He grimaced and kicked his feet up on the coffee table. “People should be more like cats.”


	2. Chapter Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Feel your feelings fool!

Yuri had no idea what to do when he woke up the next morning other than take a cold shower and try to stop thinking about the night before. If he was really gay, then did he seriously have feelings for Otabek? He’d give up all of his endorsements if something could just be easy for once.

            He got to the rink early and went straight to the locker room to change into his practice clothes and collect his thoughts, just kicking his shoes off to get his skates on when Otabek opened the door.

            “Hey.” Otabek greeted, offering a shy wave hello as the locker room door shut behind him. “Sorry, I thought I was the first one here.”

            “Hm? Oh it’s fine, I just got here.” Yuri shrugged.

            “Do you care if I change?”

            “No, it’s whatever.” He said as he dug through his bag for his socks, watching out of the corner of his eye as Otabek peeled out of his clothes. Shit, he’d seen Otabek undressed before, but now that he thought about it, he wanted to see it. Otabek’s back was turned for the moment, so he let his eyes wander down the toned expanse of his back. He got too embarrassed when he started to look at his ass and turned away before Otabek could notice his staring.

            Otabek slid into a pair of leggings and a black t-shirt before he turned around. “So do you want to hang out after practice again or-“ His eyes went wide a moment and he shut his mouth mid-sentence. “Uh…”

            “What?”

            “You’re kind of um…” Otabek glanced down and Yuri’s blood ran cold, looking down at his lap at the hard on he hadn’t even fucking noticed. He’d been so distracted trying to not get caught staring that he forgot to have any self control.

            “Fuck off, it’s just random.” Yuri spluttered, his hands flying down to cover the bulge. “Leave me alone, it’ll go down.”

            “Yuri.” Otabek sighed, turning around to lock the door to the locker rooms.

            “What are you doing that for?”

            “So no one comes in here and embarrasses you.” He said before walking up to the bench Yuri was sitting on. “Yuri, I told you that you can talk to me. Nothing you say is going to make me stop being your friend, or anything at all.”

            “I don’t know what you want me to say.”

            “Yuri, trying to keep yourself in the closet is painful. I’m serious, it’s a dark place to be. You have people who will support you, why do you keep trying to convince yourself that you’re something else?” Otabek’s voice was soft and kind, understanding, but Yuri flinched at it.

He felt angry. He didn’t _want_ to be out. He didn’t want to be gay at all. He wanted to be normal and strong and all the things he couldn’t be if people found this out and he was _pissed_ that Otabek was making it so fucking hard.

            “You don’t fucking know anything, okay?” Yuri glared. “Stop trying to convince me that I-I’m a fucking queer like you and everyone else on this weird ass team. Trying to convince me that I’m gay just like Victor does, I mean did you put him up to doing that in the first place? You know that trying to trick me into being like that isn’t gonna make me want to fuck you, Beka.”

            Otabek’s face fell, his eyes suddenly heavy with hurt. “Th-That’s not what I’m doing. You’re my friend, I-I…” He swallowed a lump in his throat. “I’m not trying to get in your pants, I’m trying to help you because you mean something to me a-and I think that you’re hurting.”

            “Well I’m not a fucking faggot like you are, alright?!” Yuri snapped and Otabek’s hand flew up to cover his mouth when he said that word. He hadn’t meant to go so far, but he just felt so furious at this whole situation he was in. He’d never even said that word before. Otabek looked like he could cry, but Yuri looked away from him and back down at his feet.

            “You know, Yuri.” Otabek sniffed as he took his hand away, blinking fast and crossing his arms over his chest. “I-I never once came on to you, o-or did anything to make you uncomfortable, or tried to lure you into sex. I-I just tried to be your friend and if you hate me just because I started to like you, then… th-then I don’t know what to do because you’re the only real friend I have and my feelings aren’t going to go away. I’m not a freak for having them.”

            “I didn’t say you were a freak.” Yuri sighed, his shoulders slumping as the guilt began to seep in.

            “No I’m just a faggot right? I-I’m just a queer and you’re so normal and above all of that, huh?” Otabek’s breath hitched as he spoke. “Are we just done being friends now? I-I care about you, but if you’re going to abuse me for just trying to reach out to you then why am I trying?

            “I-I don’t know.”

            “Would you even care if I moved back to Kazakhstan?”

            “Huh?” Yuri’s eyes welled. “Move back?”

            “Yuri, I came here for _you_.” Otabek choked, his eyes pink with the effort of holding back tears. “Why would I stay if you hate me?”

            “I don’t hate you.”

            “Then why are you treating me like this?!” Otabek yelled this time and Yuri broke, doubling over and hugging himself as the sobs forced their way out of his mouth, making his body tremble and nose stuff up until he could barely breathe. He’d never seen Otabek like this.

            “Because I don’t want to be this way.” Yuri bawled. “I-I don’t want to prove everyone right a-and I don’t want to be crucified in the media the way you guys are. I-I want to be normal and bring girls home to meet my grandpa, so he’s proud of me a-a-and I don’t want to be called a fairy anymore. I just want to be normal and none of you guys will fucking let me.”

            “Yura…”

            “W-Why do you have to always touch me?” Yuri croaked. “W-Why are you always so nice? I-I was fine and then you came here and m-made me feel all this confusing stuff and all I can think about since last night is what it might feel like to kiss you and now everyone’s going to see me as even more of a fucking weak girly boy than they ever did before.”

            “You’re not a freak, Yuri. There’s a ton of us in the exact same boat as you.” Otabek sat down next to him and rubbed his back as he cried, Yuri crying harder over how much he loved the contact. He hated that he couldn’t escape this.

            “I-I’m sorry I called you a faggot, fuck, I-I’m horrible. I-I didn’t mean that.”

            “It’s okay, you’re kind of having a moment here.” Otabek said, his voice much lighter even if he was sniffling a tiny bit. “Listen, can you just be honest with me? I can forgive any of the things you said if you agree to be honest now.”

            Yuri lifted his head and looked at him with wet eyes, his cheeks stained with the tears and strands of his hair clinging to the wetness when he agreed. “O-Okay.”

            “Do you have feelings for me or not?”

            “I-I don’t know, I… Th-This is all really new a-and scary and I think that maybe I do, but I’m afraid of hurting you and afraid of all the shit that would happen if we got together.” He sniffled, hating how shaky his breath was. He sounded like a little kid. “I never thought about liking guys before because I was so sure that I didn’t, but then you m-made me feel all fucking dumb and nervous and fuzzy and it scares the shit out of me. I-I think that I like you.”

            “Okay.” Otabek nodded, reaching forward to tuck Yuri’s hair back behind his ears, so it would stop clinging to his face. “You’re scared of being judged, yeah?”

            Yuri nodded back.

            “You don’t want Victor to be proven right?”

            “Y-Yeah.” He sniffed again, trying to keep his nose from running. “I don’t think I’m ready for anyone to know anything at all yet. I-I don’t know if I ever will be.”

            “Then don’t tell them.” Otabek said, resting his hand on the small of Yuri’s back. “It can be our secret for as long as you want it to be. No one has to know.”

            “Really?”

            “If that’s what you want.”

            Yuri took a deep breath and nodded. “What if I change my mind? W-What if I do stuff with you and then it turns out I don’t like it?”

            “I mean, I’d hope you’d still be my best friend, but Yuri, I really am your friend first.” Otabek said, his other hand coming up to rest on Yuri’s thigh. “I think letting yourself explore who you are would make you feel a lot better and I don’t mind going on that journey with you at all. I mean you could be bi, or pan, or any number of things. Liking guys isn’t the end of the world and you’ve never even kissed someone, so no wonder you’re so confused.”

            His heart started to thump against his chest again, his hands quivering with a mix of anxiety and excitement. Otabek was right. How could he know? He’d never done anything. “Can… C-Can I kiss you? Just to see?” Yuri gulped, watching as Otabek’s cheeks turned pink. It was so rare to see Otabek blush, it just made his heart palpitate harder when he saw it.

            “Yeah.” He said in that soft voice of his, sliding closer to him on the bench and leaning in close. He paused once their lips were close enough to feel each other’s breath and met Yuri’s eyes, silently asking for that final permission until Yuri nodded and the gap between them closed.

            Yuri knew how cliché it was, but it felt like fireworks. They burst in his lips and traveled all the way down his arms and legs, tingling the tips of his fingers and curling his toes and it was so incredibly _warm_. He pressed into it without thinking and felt the softness of Otabek’s lips against his own, so barely damp and so careful as he kissed him. He didn’t know what to do with his hands, but if he had the nerve, he wanted to touch Otabek. He wanted to slide them up his shirt and along his thighs, through his hair. He wanted to feel everything.

            As soon as they parted, Yuri kissed him again, briefly, before doing it once more, longer then. Otabek’s hand came up to rest on the back of his neck and then there was Otabek’s tongue, gently prodding at his lips until Yuri opened his mouth and let him in. His lips were slimy from crying, but Otabek kissed them like they were made of chocolate, lapping his tongue against Yuri’s until he got the hang of moving it and let him take the lead with where the kiss went. When Otabek’s tongue coiled around his own, he whimpered involuntarily and pulled back, embarrassed.

            “Well?” Otabek asked, stroking his thumb over the back of Yuri’s neck just to comfort him.

            “Y-Yeah um…” Yuri stuttered, still shaking from the nerves and the excitement. “I-I like that.”

            “We’ll never do more than you’re comfortable with.” Otabek said as he took his hand away, leaving Yuri longing for that touch again. “So are we doing this?”

            Yuri glanced up to meet his eyes and sighed, leaning in to just wrap his arms around those shoulders and hug him. “We are.”

            Otabek hugged him back tight and pressed one more kiss against Yuri’s temple just to let him know everything was alright. “You okay?”

            “Yeah, I just look like kind of a mess.”

            “Well, we can stay here until you’re ready to go out and practice. I don’t have too much to work on today anyways.”

            “Thanks.” Yuri laughed, folding his legs and reaching over to rest his hand on Otabek’s knee. “I’m sorry for being so crazy. This might just take me a while.”

            “I’ve got time.” Otabek shrugged. “I mean I’ve dreamt about kissing you since Barcelona.”

            “I thought you were just kind of friendly.”

            “You’re adorable sometimes.” Otabek grinned, folding his legs too and turning on the bench so they were face to face. “Do you feel better now?”

            “Yeah, just don’t tell anyone. Not yet.”

            “Don’t worry about it. Just us, yeah?” Otabek leaned forward and kissed the side of Yuri’s nose. “I’m just glad you’re not in denial anymore. I mean I was really worried about you keeping all of that so bottled up. Do you want to come over again after practice? We can just relax and do whatever you want.”

            “Sure.” He smiled, his heart suddenly feeling a lot less heavy. Kissing him just felt so right and the comfort that Otabek would keep it a secret eased a lot of his anxiety. “Hey could you help me with my quad lutz? You’re really good at that one and I keep flutzing it. “

            “Yeah, of course.” Otabek said before leaning forward and planting one more kiss on the corner of Yuri’s mouth. “You have no idea how happy I am right now.”

            Yuri felt himself blush and pulled away to get his skates on just to hide it. “I’m happy too.” He said in a shy voice. “I’m ready to go practice though.”

            “Okay.” Otabek said, stroking his hand down Yuri’s back one more time before he got up.

            He didn’t want to admit it, but he still just felt tingly all over. Getting to be with Otabek without anyone knowing seemed like the best possible scenario. Things could work out for him as long as they were careful.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is probably the shortest chapter there will be, expect future chapters to be at least twice this length. Leave kudos if you liked it and don't forget to follow me on tumblr! nuttinonice.tumblr.com


	3. Chapter Three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hoo boy here we go folks

            Yuri was still having a hard time wrapping his head around everything, but when they went out to practice, he remembered that Otabek really was his best friend first. Being on the ice with him was fun and he found himself laughing all the way through practice. Plus, he was starting to get past the previous shame and anxiety he’d felt when they got a little touchy and relished in it instead.

            When they worked on his lutz edge, Otabek held his waist to guide him and he felt like he could melt. Everything was the same except his anxiety had eased and he found himself discovering more and more about his real feelings when he didn’t push them down so aggressively. He still felt a little ashamed when he caught himself checking out Otabek, but it wasn’t the same nausea as before. If he could change himself, maybe he still wouldn’t like guys, but he loved the new look in Otabek’s eyes and he loved how it felt to kiss him. They’d just have to play it as safe as they could.

            Victor gave him a few teasing looks when he skated by them, but Yuri just rolled his eyes and kept on with what he was doing.

            After practice, the heart palpitations were back. He didn’t know how different things would be when they were alone together in Otabek’s apartment. Otabek said they didn’t have to do anything Yuri didn’t want to, but if Otabek had liked him for that long, he must want to have sex.

There was no way Yuri was ready for that yet. He could barely imagine touching Otabek like that yet, although when he let himself have the thought, he didn’t mind it. He was kind of curious to see what Otabek might look like down there although he still had a thought in the back of his mind that maybe he would stop liking all this maybe as suddenly as he’d realized he was gay. That still felt wrong to say in his head. Identifying with that word felt incorrect after a lifetime of dismissing it.

            “I brought a helmet for you today.” Otabek said when they reached the parking lot that evening. “Hold on to me, okay?”

            “Okay.” Yuri blushed, sitting behind him once they got on the bike and hugging him a little tighter than usual. “Go the fast way this time.”

            “Sure.” Otabek laughed as he pulled out of the parking space. “Just don’t let go.”

            Yuri didn’t and kept his arms locked snugly around Otabek’s waist the whole way home, his heart skipping when Otabek put his hand over his at stoplights.

            Once they got all the way up to the apartment - Yuri coming out ahead in the stair race this time around - his stomach was queasy again. What if he stopped liking all this?

            “Don’t be tense, okay?” Otabek said when he shut the door. “Nothing’s different, yeah? We just don’t have to hold back anymore because we’re afraid of weirding the other one out. We can just chill and do whatever we want.”

            “Okay.” Yuri breathed. “Sorry, I just um… Th-This is new, I never thought I’d be dating a um… a-a boy? I don’t know how it works.”

            “It works the same way any other relationship would.” Otabek said, reaching up to tuck a lock of his hair back behind his ear, the touch alone making him shiver. “Wow.”

            “Shut up, I know I spazz at everything.”

            “I think it’s cute. You want something to eat?”

            “Um… A-Actually my stomach’s kind of upset, can we just watch another movie, or something?” He could feel himself blushing again and he hated himself for it. He didn’t want to be nervous around Otabek all the time now.

            They settled into the couch and Yuri relaxed a teensy bit, kicking his legs further up in Otabek’s lap than he usually did when he put another horror movie on. He kind of wanted to see what would happen if they jumped into each other again and after Otabek got up to use the bathroom, he turned the lights out in the living room when he got back.

            “It’s better like this, yeah?” Otabek said, sitting back down and pulling Yuri’s legs into his lap again.

            “Yeah.” Yuri nodded. It felt more discreet in the dark. He leaned forward and rested his head on Otabek’s shoulder, grateful for his flexibility in that moment.

            “Comfy?” Otabek put his arm around him and stroked down his back.

            “Mhm.” He really was too. Otabek was always warm no matter how cold it was outside and Yuri melted right into it, relishing in the hand on his back while the movie played. “Can I ask you some stuff about the whole gay thing?”

            Otabek laughed at the phrasing. “Yeah, sure.”

            “Does it hurt? I mean, having sex like that.”

            “It depends. It usually hurts a little bit the first time, but there’s things you can do. Just take a long time to prep, use a lot of lube, take some Tylenol beforehand, maybe get a little buzzed.”

            “Prep?”

            “Uh, it’s like this.” Otabek said, holding up two fingers together. “Whoever’s going on top needs to finger the other person for a while to stretch them out, so you know, it uh… fits. It feels really good though.”

            “And you’ve done that before?” Yuri swallowed, trying to picture someone else doing something that dirty to Otabek. That whole fingering thing hadn’t been in the video he watched.

            “What, gone on the bottom?”

            “Yeah.” He shrugged.

            “A few times. It feels good with the right person. The thing about it is when you’re a virgin, it takes a long time to get it right because you need to learn what your body likes and it’s also super easy to cum right away.” He pressed a kiss to the top of Yuri’s head. “Don’t feel like you have to do any of that stuff unless you want to. If you’re scared to go on the bottom, you could always top me too. I actually kind of like that.”

            “I just don’t really know anything about this stuff.” He sighed, picking at a tear in his jeans while one of the gorier scenes played out on screen. “I mean the only thing I’ve ever done is skate and I’ve never dated, or had any real friends, so I never talked about any kind of sex. Gay, or straight, or whatever.”

            “No wonder you had no clue what you liked. I mean, the gay scene in Almaty was like underground, but huge. It was crazy easy for me to discover stuff and experiment.” Otabek stroked his hand through Yuri’s hair and gave him another kiss on this temple. “We’ll figure it out together. Long as you like me, you know?”

            “I’m pretty sure I like you after all that drama.” Yuri glanced back up at the screen at the wrong time and winced at the gore, pressing closer to Otabek on instinct. “Don’t tell anyone what a pussy I am when we watch these movies either.”

            “Aw, I like when you snuggle close to me though. Remember when you came to visit me in Kazakhstan and you kind of pissed yourself at that zombie movie?”

            Yuri’s eyes bugged and he punched Otabek in the arm. “You said you’d never bring that up!”

            “I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” He snickered. “It was just funny, oh my God, you were so cute that night.”

            “Don’t call me cute.” Yuri said with a roll of his eyes.

            “Sorry. You were though.” Otabek gave him a squeeze and turned his head to press a kiss to the side of his neck, something that earned an unexpected little gasp from Yuri. “Oh?” He laughed. “Wow, you liked that.”

            “I didn’t mean to-“

            “Shh, shh it’s fine.” Otabek said before pressing a few more kisses to Yuri’s neck, each one sending tingles down his spine. “You like that?”

            “Yeah.” He breathed, tipping his head back to give him more access.

            Otabek opened his mouth and sucked a little on the skin, his tongue swiping over the mark he’d left before he went back to just kissing.

            “That feels really good.” Yuri sighed. “Otabek.”

            “I love that everything is new for you.” He mumbled against his skin. “Tell me what you want.”

            “Use your tongue again. J-Just do that thing with your mouth.”

            Otabek did and sucked a bit harder this time, nipping at the skin with his teeth just enough not to hurt.

            Yuri was too embarrassed to let out any more noises, so he hid some of the heavy breathing and whimpers in his laughter as Otabek nipped at his neck, snickering a little like they might just be messing around and not making out or anything.

            “Well that’s one more thing we know you like.”

            “Yeah.” He breathed, shifting a little in Otabek’s lap. Fuck, he really needed to learn some self control because every time Otabek seemed to move a finger, he got a boner.

            Otabek didn’t call him out on it this time and gave him one more kiss on his cheek. “You have other questions?”

            “Maybe. They’re dumb.”

            “Well, I’m here to listen you know.”

            “Do blowjobs taste gross?”

            “Nah, I mean as long as the person’s clean. It kind of tastes like nothing, or just like, skin.”

            “And you’ve um… You’ve given one?”

            Otabek nodded. “I like it. It can be like this dirty quick thing, or it can be super intimate depending on where you are, or who you’re with.”

            Where you were? His mind rushed right to images of Otabek on his knees in some club bathroom in Almaty, or some stranger’s bedroom. He liked and hated the thought of that. Otabek doing something so dirty was attractive, but his heart hated the thought of him doing things with other people.

            “Do you want to try something?”

            “Like what?” Yuri gulped, his heart leaping to his throat.

            “I don’t know, anything you want. I mean, you have a lot of questions. If you want to try anything, all you have to do is tell me.”

            “I-I um… I don’t know what I want to try really. I think something?”

            “Okay.” Otabek nodded his head and gave Yuri’s knee a squeeze. “I can blow you right now if you want. Unless you’re more comfortable doing me, but either is fine.”

            “U-Umm.” Yuri bit his lip. “I-I really don’t know which is better. I’m nervous. Both make me nervous.”

            “Here, let’s turn this off.” Otabek said, reaching for the remote and pausing the movie. “Come to my room.” He held his hand out and Yuri took it, taking a deep breath as he got up and followed him.

            He’d only been inside Otabek’s room a few times since he’d moved in, but he liked it. There was a table full of all his DJ equipment in the corner and the walls were red, covered almost entirely in movie posters and photos of other skaters he’d liked as a kid. He had a massive bed too.

            Otabek kept the light on and shut the door while Yuri sat on the side of the bed. “Would you feel better if I was vulnerable first?” He asked when he sat down next to Yuri, one hand coming up again to run through his hair and Yuri practically purred at the touch. He loved having his hair played with apparently because every time Otabek touched it, he shivered.

            “I think so.” He swallowed as Otabek leaned in to start kissing his jaw. “Don’t make fun of me if I chicken out, okay? I-I just want to experiment with the sexual stuff for now.”

            “Just tell me if you want to stop whatever we’re doing.” Otabek murmured, pressing a wet kiss to Yuri’s neck again. “Do you want to see me first?”

            “What do you mean?” Yuri blinked. “Oh… _Oh_.”

            “Too much?”

            “No.” Yuri shook his head. “No, no, I-I’m just dumb, I… I want to see you first.”

            “Try to relax.” Otabek said, leaning in to give him a proper kiss.

            Yuri wasn’t complaining, but he didn’t get why Otabek wanted to start kissing again if he was about to pull his dick out, but when Otabek’s zipper come down at the same time their tongues met again, he understood the distraction. He did feel better doing it like this. It felt natural, less like a school boy style I’ll show you mine and you show me yours type of thing and more romantic. Otabek’s lips were gentle and his tongue was soft, one hand cupping his cheek before they parted from the kiss and Yuri glanced down.

            “Jesus fucking Christ, Beka. You didn’t tell me you had a fucking weapon on you.” He gaped when he looked at the erection protruding from Otabek’s now open jeans.

            “Sorry.” Otabek laughed. “I warned you.”

            “And eventually _that_ is going to fit inside me?” His eyes bulged. “Beka, I don’t know if I’ll be able to-“

            “Don’t worry about that. We’re not doing any of that stuff tonight. Right now’s all about you exploring, right? You still feel good?”

            “Um…” Yuri ran his eyes over it and bit his lip. His heart thumped at the sight of him, seeing how hard he’d gotten just from showing Yuri what he looked like and how the tip glistened with pre-cum. He thought about taking it in his mouth, but his stomach turned at the idea. That was too far for tonight.

What would his Grandpa think if he knew what on Earth Yuri was doing? Maybe he could just touch it? If Otabek was going to blow him, he felt shitty not reciprocating at all. “I-I like it. I-I mean I like you, I like your body, um… Fuck, I-I don’t think I’m ready to blow you yet. It’s too much to get my head around.”

            “That’s fine, do you want me to cover up?”

            “No, um… I-I said I like seeing it.” His mouth actually watered at the sight, but when he thought again about putting it in his mouth, that voice in the back of his head shouted no the same way it did when he pulled away from their almost-kiss the night before. “You can see me though.” That was a good compromise at least. “If you want to.”

            “Of course I want to.” Otabek said, wrapping a hand around himself and stroking slowly when he leaned in to catch Yuri in another kiss, sliding one hand up the inside of his thigh, but not going so far as to take his cock out for him. Yuri appreciated the small gesture of letting him be in control and kissed him deeply as his hands trembled with excitement, fumbling to get his own zipper down.

            “It’s not as big.” He breathed when he kiss broke and he pulled himself out for Otabek to see. He felt really small in comparison to the dark tan erection in Otabek’s grip, not just because of length, but he was all pink and slicker than Otabek without even touching himself much yet.

            “It fits you perfectly though. I love it.” Otabek took one hard look then turned his head to nip at Yuri’s neck one more time, earning another sharp gasp. “Do you want my mouth?”

            “Is it rude as fuck for me to say yes when I’m not going to do you too?”

            “No, not while you’re still getting comfortable. Once you suck my dick though, you better believe the playing field for oral is gonna level though.” He smacked a kiss against Yuri’s cheek just to be cute then slid off the bed and down to the floor, kneeling right between Yuri’s open thighs. “I’m offering, Yura. Do you want me to?”

            “Yes.” He whimpered in a voice he barely recognized as his own, fisting the bed sheets in his hands as Otabek’s mouth hovered dangerously close to him. “I-I won’t last.”

            “No one does their first time.” Otabek reached out and took Yuri’s hand, so he could place it on top of his head. “Just don’t pull too hard.”

            Yuri thought his heart might actually burst as he watched Otabek lean in and he shut his eyes the second he took his tip in his mouth, a cry falling from his lips at the sensation of Otabek’s mouth sinking down on him. He really needed to work on shutting the fuck up because that had to be the fifth time in twenty-four hours he’d let out some weird ass porn noise without wanting to.

He gripped Otabek’s hair and whined as his head bobbed back and forth, taking every single inch of him in and opening his throat. How the hell did he even do something like that? “Beka.” He sobbed, falling back on the bed as he tried not to push his hips up. “Beka, fuck, that’s too much. I-I’ll cum right fucking now if you don’t stop.”

            Otabek pulled off for a moment and dragged his tongue in one teasing stripe from the base to the tip, swirling it around his slit before taking him all in again and humming.

            Yuri bit his lip hard enough to draw blood and groaned, his thighs trembling from the sensation. It was the most overwhelming thing he’d felt in his life and just when he thought he’d regained control of himself, he heard the slick sound of Otabek masturbating and that was all it took.

“ _Otabek_.” He choked when his back arched up off the bed and he came onto his tongue, toes curled and thighs shaking as Otabek swallowed everything he released until he’d finished entirely.

Yuri sat himself up as soon as Otabek pulled off and watched, red-faced as Otabek touched himself. He’d never seen this expression on Otabek’s face before. His mouth hanging open, a few pieces of usually slicked back hair falling in his face as he moved his fist, his face completely flushed despite the darker tone of his skin. When Otabek came, it was with a gasp that could have easily gotten Yuri hard again if he’d had time to recover and he looked up at Yuri when he finished, lips all swollen and hair all fucked up from Yuri’s hand running through it. “You’re just like I imagined you’d be.” He laughed, his chest still heaving a little as he panted. “Fuck, I’m like out of breath and everything. You really liked that?”

            “Yeah for the whole minute it lasted.” Yuri grinned. “Sorry.”

            “Can I take you on a real date?”

            “Huh?”

            “Like dinner.” Otabek said as he tucked his cock away and stood back up, leaning down to kiss Yuri with a closed mouth to spare him the taste if he didn’t want it. “I don’t want you to think this is a sex thing. I want to treat you right.”

            “Beka, you don’t have to do anything.”

            “I know, but I want to. You mean the world to me.” Otabek said and Yuri’s heart fluttered in a whole new way. Something about that fucking Kazakh accent too. It made everything Otabek said sound even more romantic. “We’ll go somewhere we won’t be seen, okay? I want to spend time with you outside of just going to each other’s places.”

            “Okay.” Yuri blushed. “Yeah, sure.” He tucked himself away and took a deep breath as he zipped his pants back up. “Jesus, we’re really doing this.”

            “Are you happy about that?”

            “I think so. I mean, I’m nervous, but… I like being with you like this. I thought you’d make fun of me more.”

            “I’m never gonna make fun of you when it comes to this stuff. I want you to feel safe.” Otabek dipped down and kissed the side of Yuri’s nose. “You’re still my best friend. I’m gonna roast you when you lose in Halo in a second though.”

            “You lost last time.” Yuri said, pushing him away and standing up. “Come on, I’ll kick your ass again.”

            “You willing to make a bet out of that?”

            “No, you’re already talking about taking me on dates and shit. I don’t want to take even more from you when you lose.”

            Otabek laughed and cocked his head towards the bedroom door. “We’ll see about that.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope y'all enjoyed! Next chapter will be posted this weekend.


	4. Chapter Four

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Look at our boy comin out of his gay little shell, also Mila gets #rekt

            Yuri felt more confident the more time he spent with Otabek, getting used to the dynamic. The more he opened himself up, the more he realized that these urges had been there all along. He didn’t shut it down when he felt like moving closer to him and even let his mind explore the possibilities, giving in now and then to one of those little temptations. When Otabek started to beat him in the video game, he leaned in and kissed him hard, waiting until Otabek panted against his lips before he pulled away again and killed him.

            “That’s totally fucking cheating.” Otabek grinned when he snatched Yuri’s remote and tackled him onto the floor, pinning his hands above his head.

            “Hey I didn’t give you permission to get this kinky with me yet.”

            “Oh yeah? You like being dominated?”

            “Beka.” Yuri laughed.

            “Kidding, kidding.” Otabek said, pressing a soft kiss against Yuri’s cheek as he let go of his wrists. “Think about where you want to go on that date, okay? Friday night?”

            “I mean, is there anywhere we could be completely private?”

            “Are you afraid of the media catching us?”

            “Anyone, really.” Yuri blushed.

            “Alright.” Otabek sighed. “Uh, how about a picnic? There’s a place that’s really nice around here if you don’t mind a little hike. I go there on my runs sometimes.”

            “That’d be fun, yeah.”

            “Cool.” Otabek smiled and Yuri loved the new glint in his eyes when he did that. Otabek just seemed so happy and it made his heart swell that he was enough to make Otabek feel that way. He didn’t know when this would stop feeling like a dirty little secret, or if it ever would, but he wanted to keep making Otabek smile like that. “Can I be cheesy for a second?”

            “Uh, yeah.” Yuri swallowed. “What is it?”

            “I’m just uh… I’m just so fucking happy, Yuri.” Otabek laughed. “I mean, this is like all I’ve thought about ever since we had that amazing time the day we met and I thought that maybe it would never happen, but now I have you.” His face was completely red as he spoke and Yuri reached up to touch his cheek, feeling how warm it was. “I don’t want you to think I was just trying to fuck you all this time or anything, but my heart would just pound every time you texted me, or when you’d visit and we slept in the same bed, I just… I’m really crazy about you, I’m sorry.”

            “I didn’t know you could be all sweet and soft like this.” Yuri said, leaning up to plant a shy kiss against Otabek’s lips, but chickening out at the last moment and pulling back. “I’m sorry that it took me so long, but um… Now that we’re doing this, I’m really crazy about you too. I mean every time you touch me, I just lose my shit. I-I’m just still kind of embarrassed though.”

            “Was it always like that? Like you felt good when we were together and stuff?”

            “I think it always felt good, but I wasn’t thinking about it being romantic, so I didn’t get nervous.” He shrugged, nuzzling his nose against Otabek’s. “Didn’t you feel dirty when you realized you were like this? How do you get rid of that?”

            “Time.” Otabek answered, turning his head to kiss him again, briefly with a closed mouth. “Support.” He kissed him again and Yuri’s heart skipped. “Love.” Their eyes met for a brief moment and Yuri pulled Otabek over him, taking the weight off his elbows as they kissed.

            He felt like he could get lost there, lying on Otabek’s floor, just feeling his lips and his tongue, embracing how fucking _good_ it felt instead of panicking over everything. Nobody had to know that he liked this. Nobody but Otabek and it was their secret together, the way his heart swelled at each kiss. It was just them.

******

            When Yuri finally went home, he went back over every detail he could remember. Without the excitement of it happening in the moment, he felt pretty guilty again and a little gross – even if his heart skipped at the thought of Otabek’s mouth on him.

He just thought about how his Grandfather had wrinkled his nose when they’d passed two men holding hands on the street and about the man who slashed Victor’s tires once and keyed the word faggot into his car, how he’d once seen Yuuri Katsuki cry after someone drove by and through a bottle at them from a moving car.

Was he strong enough to deal with all of that if it came to it? If he was really gay – and signs pretty conclusively pointed to yes – then he couldn’t make Otabek hide forever. That didn’t feel right. _Nothing_ felt right except having his lips pressed against his best friend’s and even with that, shame set in afterwards. Was he broken or something? How come everyone else could be gay and shit without feeling this way?

Yuri kicked his shoes off and set an early alarm for tomorrow’s practice time before going to take a shower. Maybe he’d feel better in the morning.

**

            Yuri felt sick when he woke up. He was dating a _guy_. He’d let another boy give him a blowjob and it had been the best thing he’d felt in his entire life. What if his grandfather found out? Christ, he’d puke.

            Walking into the rink, Yuri almost felt dizzy mulling over all the potential consequences of someone discovering the Russian fairy was an even bigger girly boy than before.

He sat down to get on his skates, eager to try and skate everything out when he heard foot steps approaching from behind. Without looking, he recognized the pace and leaned into the touch when Otabek put a hand on his back.

            “Hey.” Otabek smiled. “How you feeling?”

            “Anxious.” Yuri sighed as he relished in the tingles flowing from Otabek’s fingertips. “Like really anxious.”

            “Shit, really?”

            “Yeah.”

            “Did I go too far last night?” Otabek asked, his voice filled with nervous concern before Yuri shook his head.

            “No, you blew my mind last night. I’m just… I-I’m fucked up, I guess. I can’t get my head around this.” He kept his voice low, watching Mila carefully as she skated around the ice in case she came within earshot, or stepped off to talk to them. “I fucking loved being with you last night and I feel gross for liking it so much.”

            “Why? Because we’re both guys?”

            Yuri blushed a little and nodded his head.

            “Do you think I’m gross for doing what I did to you?” Otabek asked, his fingers drawing slow soothing circles on his skin through his t-shirt.

            “No, of course not.”

            “Then why are you gross for liking it?”

            “It’s just how I feel.” Yuri mumbled, reaching down to slide his feet into his skates and lace them up. “Sorry.”

            “Don’t be sorry.” Otabek sighed, sliding his hand up to squeeze Yuri’s shoulder. “But you know we need to work through this yeah? I really worry about you hating yourself so much.”

            Yuri just shrugged his shoulders.

            “Yura, really.”

            He felt Otabek’s hand tense.

            “I’m worried.”

            “Don’t be.” Yuri said, leaning his head back to look up at him. “I’m okay, yeah? I’m just trying to get used to everything.”

            “And you’re sure I’m not pushing you or anything? I don’t want you to be uncomfortable.”

            “You’re not. I love everything you’re doing.” His face burned red as he said it, but he meant those words and he didn’t want to lie to Otabek about how he felt. “Just keep helping me get used to it, okay?”

            “Okay.” Otabek breathed, taking his hand away as the door from the lobby to the rink opened.

            Yuri sighed at the sound of Victor and Yuuri entering, knowing he’d already been caught acting pretty close to Otabek. When he thought about it, Otabek had always touched him casually like that and he’d always liked it, but it was definitely one of the things Victor would tease him about.

            “Hi boys!” Victor grinned, Yuuri a few steps behind him as he walked up to greet them. “How’s everythi-“ Being dramatic as he is, he made sure to stop mid-word when his eyes drifted down to Yuri’s neck. “Yuuri, come look at this.”

            “Huh?” Yuuri yawned, pushing his glasses down from on top of his head. “Jesus Yurio, who gave you that thing?”

            “What?” Yuri asked, his hand flying up to his neck to try and feel for a rash.

            “You have a hickey the size of Jupiter.”

            The blood drained from his face. He hadn’t really looked in the mirror that morning. He fumbled to get his phone out of his duffel bag and nearly gasped when he turned on his front camera to assess the damage. Christ, it was huge and dark purple, practically a bite mark. With Otabek standing behind him, he must not have seen it either past Yuri’s hair.

            “Otabek, any hunches?” Victor laughed, eyebrows raised as he looked over at him.

            “Fuck off, I got it from um… I-I got it from Mila, shut up.” Yuri stammered, putting his phone back in his bag and running his hands through his hair to try and keep it forward and over his neck.

            “Huh?” Yuuri blinked. “Doesn’t she have a boyfriend?”

            “Yeah, what?” Victor added and Yuri’s stomach lurched.

            “So what?” He huffed. “Mind your own business, I’m going to practice.” He looked at Otabek with wide eyes and cocked his head hard towards the ice. “Meet me when you get your skates on.”

 _Fuck, fuck, fuck_. He was stupid, _so_ fucking unbelievably stupid. How the hell was he going to keep this shit under wraps when he’d nearly exposed himself less than forty-eight hours after realizing he liked Otabek? He skated around the ice to warm up and waited anxiously for Otabek to come join him, his face burning red each time he went past Mila. Shit, he wasn’t looking to start any rumors about her. He’d just panicked.

“Hey, you good?” Otabek asked when he got onto the ice and caught up with him.

“I think I’m gonna throw up. Do they know?”

“They don’t know anything, calm down.” Otabek said, syncing up his paces with Yuri’s. “Yura, I have to say one more time, you _know_ that every single person here would support us right? I know you don’t want to be seen as weak, but no one here looks at it like that. You can’t be this stressed at practice.”

“Stop, I don’t want to talk about it right now.” Yuri swallowed. “H-Help me with my jumps, okay? I want to get my mind off it.”

“Yeah of course.” Otabek said, his voice soft as usual. Whenever he lowered his voice and took on that kind tone, his accent got heavier. The mix of that and the genuine concern just made Yuri shiver every time he heard it. “Just look forward to Friday. We’ll be alone and you can just be yourself. No judging.”

            Yuri took a deep breath and nodded. He needed that desperately.

            Otabek guided him through practice on his quad lutz, holding his waist to lead him through on a deeper edge. His heart swelled at how gentle Otabek’s hold on him was and he even let him spin him around on the ice a little bit just for fun before he started to help Otabek with his spins – a pretty decent cover for spending almost all of his practice time with him without Yakov’s complaining.

            “Here, get your leg higher. You’re breaking your line.” Yuri said as Otabek spun slowly in a camel position, reaching out to hold him still and lifting him up at his knee. “How’s that feel?”

            “Ugh, hard. I’m not flexible enough.”

            “Well shit, you need to get on that.” Yuri laughed, lifting his leg just a little higher.

            “Ouch, fuck.” Otabek winced.

            “Shit does that really hurt?”

            “Not like really, but yeah.” He put his leg down and sighed, stretching his arms up above his head. Yuri wondered if he’d purposefully let his shirt stretch up like that, teasing him with those stupid abs. “I’ll never get how you’re like a rubber band.”

            “Ballet, Bitch.” Yuri backed up, so he’d have room to accelerate then skated right by him into a split jump just to show he could do it, landing and turning himself right into a layback spin.

            “Okay, now you’re just showing off.”

            “I could do worse.” He grinned as he slowed the spin to a stop. “You’re still a better jumper than me.”

            “I am not.” Otabek rolled his eyes. “Having like one more quad than you doesn’t make me better. My GOE’s are like plus ones at best.”

            “Still that’s just because you don’t have enough connecting steps.” Yuri’s eyes drifted down Otabek’s legs and he turned to skate in a circle around him, not wanting to get caught blushing. He hadn’t noticed before, but Otabek’s thighs in those tight practice leggings should be considered a wonder of the world or something. “What time are you leaving?” He asked, leaning down and bringing his leg up in a half spiral just to do something as he skated around him.

            “In like an hour.”

            “Really?”

            “Yeah, sorry.” Otabek shrugged. “I don’t mind staying for you.”

            “No, no it’s fine. You’ll pick me up at my place tomorrow though, right?” He felt stupid sounding so eager, but he really was excited. Being alone with Otabek was magical and shame free, but being by himself, or in public was miserable for the time being.

            “Yeah, six sharp, so be ready.” He teased, crossing one ankle over to put himself in a slow scratch spin as he spoke. “Can you call me if you’re anxious, or depressed, or anything tonight? Seriously.”

            Yuri brought his leg down and crossed his arms, glancing over each shoulder to make sure their conversation was still private. “Do you want to maybe just come over tonight?”

            Otabek raised his eyebrows. “Really? Yeah of course I do.”

            “I-I want to um… I don’t want to be alone.” He huffed. “Just come over at like seven and stay as long as you want.”

            “Sure, Yura. Whatever you need.”

            Fuck, Yuri didn’t deserve someone as sweet as Otabek. He really did think he’d feel better if he just curled up with him for a little bit. When Otabek still lived in Almaty, they used to Skype and watch movies together and when Otabek moved to Russia, at least twice a week they had a movie night on one of their couches. It was fun and maybe if Otabek was around, he wouldn’t get that wave of guilt and shame afterwards.

            They practiced a little harder for a few more hours before Otabek headed home and Yuri just drilled his jumps, going until he took a hard enough fall that he figured it was time to call it a day. He was just heading out the door, duffel bag slung over his shoulder, when a pair of light and fast-paced footsteps started to follow him.

            “ _Yuri_.” Mila’s voice hissed and Yuri whipped around with his heart in his throat.

            Shit why couldn’t anyone ever keep a secret. She was glaring at him like he’d just killed her cat or something. “Um, h-hey Mila, what’s up?”

            “What’s up? You told everyone that I gave you a fucking hickey?” She seethed, stepping up close to him. “My boyfriend skates here, what the fuck are you doing?”

            His heart pounded against his chest as he searched for an explanation. He felt terrible about what he’d said, but he didn’t know how to explain it. He didn’t want people to know Otabek had given it to him. “U-Um…”

            “Hello? Earth to Yuratchka why the fuck are you trying to tell everyone I’m a slut?”

            “I didn’t say that.” Yuri swallowed, panicky tears welling up in his eyes. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to say it was you, I just… I-I’m sorry.” He blinked his eyes and tried to swallow a lump in his throat, but his breath was picking up. He didn’t know how to get out of this.

            Mila’s expression fell for a moment and she took a step back from him, her voice soft when she spoke again this time. “Yura, what’s going on with you?”

            He shook his head.

            “Did I do something to you? Did I hurt your feelings or something?”

            A sob broke out of Yuri’s lips before he could stop it and he covered his mouth with his hand, quivering in front of her while tears started to roll down his cheeks. He felt like a little kid having some kind of stupid breakdown for no good reason, but he just couldn’t come up with a single explanation that wasn’t the truth. “I’m sorry.” He sniffled. “I-I can’t talk about it, I… I-I’m just sorry that I started a rumor about you, it was an accident.”

            “Hey, hey come here.” Mila cooed, flipping the switch on her big sister mode as she rushed forward to hug him. She was taller than him and Yuri hated it. He was proving everyone right. He was sleeping with a boy, crying all over a girl like he was too much of a mess to even control himself. “What’s going on, Yura?”

            “Everyone treats me like I’m weak.” He choked.

            “They’re just teasing, Yuri. Everyone knows you’re the strongest one here.” She pulled back and held his shoulders, Yuri looking down at his shoes to avoid the look in her eyes. “Who gave you this?” Mila asked, pushing his hair back to expose the hickey.

            “Will you stop being mad at me if I tell you?”

            “Sure.” She nodded. “It’s okay.”

            “You can’t tell anyone.”

            Mila nodded again and Yuri’s lips trembled.

            “I-I know you’re gonna laugh and say it’s obvious, but m-me and Beka…” The words got caught in his throat. “I don’t want anyone to know. It’s not as easy for me as it is for everyone else, so please? Please don’t tell.”

            Mila looked at him with wide eyes. “Yuri, no one here would judge you for something like that. People have been waiting for you to come out.”   

            “I don’t care.” He swallowed, his stomach feeling sick. “Everyone thinks I’m a girl. Even if everyone here didn’t make fun of me, all the media will care about is that I’m gay and I’ll be a fucking joke on the ice.”

            “It’s okay to be feminine, Yura.”

            “Not to my Grandpa. Not to the rest of the world.” Yuri shook his head and pulled out of her touch. “Please don’t tell, okay?”

            “Okay.” She sighed. “Are you okay? I-I’m sorry for yelling, I just… I thought you were just being mean or something.”

            “It’s fine.” He shrugged, keeping his eyes cast down to hide the wetness around his eyes. “I’ll see you around.”

            “Yeah, see you.”

            Yuri ordered a ride on his phone as he walked out and hurried outside to wait for it, his hands still trembling a little bit when he called Otabek. “Beka, can you come over like right now? I-I’m about to head home from the rink.”

            “Sure, I was just getting ready.” Otabek said. “What’s wrong?”

            “M-Mila confronted me, I’ll talk about it when you come over.”

            “Shit, you okay?”

            “Not really.”

            “Okay… Well I’ll be right over. See you soon?”

            “Okay.” Yuri swallowed, squeezing his eyes shut when he hung up the phone. Why did everything have to be so fucking hard and complicated for him?

            He got home just in time for Otabek’s arrival, having just changed into a pair of fleece pajamas for the warmth and comfort when the knock came on his door.

            “Hey.” Yuri said with a tired smile as he opened the door.

            “Hey.” Otabek said back, immediately stepping forward to hug him. “You okay?”

            “Better now.” He mumbled against Otabek’s shoulder, squeezing him back tight before pulling him into the apartment and shutting the door. Potya of course came up right away to nuzzle her face against Otabek’s calf. She always loved when he visited.

            “So what happened?”

            “Um.” Yuri shrugged. “It was embarrassing. She was yelling at me and I didn’t know what to say and then I kind of panicked. I told her the truth.”

            “Yeah? She took it well right?”

            “Yeah.”

            “Don’t you feel better telling someone?”

            “Nope.” He shrugged again. “I feel stupid for crying in front of her and embarrassed that she knows.”

            Otabek sighed and reached out to tuck a lock of Yuri’s hair behind his ear, his fingers lingering a bit when they brushed against his cheek. “I’m sorry. I should have noticed how bad the hickey was and stuff.”

            “Not your fault.” Yuri mumbled, shuffling his feet a bit. He kind of just wanted to cuddle, maybe go to his room and turn the lights off for their usual movie night while Otabek held him a little closer than usual. He didn’t know how to ask for that though. Every time he tried, the words got caught in his throat.

            Otabek kicked his shoes off by the door and bent down to pick up Potya, pressing a few hello kisses into her fur. “Want just go watch something and relax?”

            Yuri nodded. “Yeah, uh… Can we go to my room this time? Nothing weird, I just want to be comfy and stuff.”

            “Sure.” Otabek smiled, leaning forward to plant a quick kiss on Yuri’s cheek. “Lead the way.”

            His heart thumped and he did exactly that, leading Otabek back to his room and shutting the door, tossing the remote to his bedroom television onto the pillows as Otabek got settled on the bed and placed Potya at the foot of it. Yuri dimmed the lights before crawling onto the bed himself and lying next to him, handing him the remote. He was craving Otabek’s arms around him, but he didn’t want to sound weird, or clingy or anything, so he just scootched close enough for their legs to touch.

            Otabek turned on some show that Yuri liked then wrapped an arm around his shoulders like he’d been doing it for ages, pressing a warm and loving little kiss into Yuri’s hair. “I’m sorry you had such a bad day. If there’s anything I can do, just tell me yeah?”

            “You don’t have to dote on me so much.” Yuri said as he gave into temptation and rolled onto his side, snuggling in close to Otabek with his head rested on his chest. It was so warm there with his head over this other boy’s heart.

            Otabek didn’t press him any further about how he was feeling. He just rubbed Yuri’s back and pressed the occasional kiss into his hair, squeezing him every now and then just to remind him that what they were doing was okay. He didn’t make any moves to initiate sex, just held him like Yuri wanted him to.

Before Yuri could realize enough to stop himself, he fell asleep just like that.

**

            Yuri woke up on top of the covers, a spare blanket over him and Otabek who still had his arms wrapped around his waist. His heart leapt for a moment when he realized they were in bed together, but it only took a minute to remember he’d fallen asleep here and they hadn’t had sex. He shifted a little bit and blushed when he felt Otabek’s morning wood pressing against the small of his back. They’d slept in the same bed before, but this was something else entirely.

            “Hey.” Otabek mumbled, half asleep as he pressed a lazy kiss to the side of Yuri’s neck. “You kinda dozed off, so I figured I should stay. That okay?”

            “Yeah it’s fine.” Yuri swallowed, fixated on what was pressing against his back. He had a bit of a morning problem himself and Otabek’s hand on his hip was a little too close for comfort.

            “Feeling better?”

            “Kind of.”

            “Mm.” Otabek sighed, holding him a little tighter. “Sorry, you’re really warm.”

            “It’s fine.” Yuri shivered as Otabek’s hand drifted over his abdomen, just a few inches over where he was yearning to be touched, but too afraid to ask. He shifted again, subtly pressing back against Otabek’s hips to give him the hint, but he got that queasy guilty feeling when he did it.

            Otabek started to kiss his neck again, slow, lazy kisses to test the waters until Yuri pushed back one more time, just barely, and Otabek pushed forward.

            He hadn’t meant to, but his mouth betrayed him again and he sighed, his face hot as the sound escaped his mouth. Yuri scootched up just a little, so his ass was more aligned with the bulge. It was so much easier to do this when they didn’t talk about it. Otabek pressed against him when he pressed back until Otabek’s breath turned hot and heavy on his neck, kissing it with an open mouth now, but straying from leaving more dark marks.

            Yuri was still wearing the leggings from yesterday’s practice, so he didn’t get any pain from the erection stretching inside them, but he was aching for attention and still couldn’t bring himself to say so.

            Otabek’s hand drifted down and traced the waistband of the leggings, silently asking for permission before Yuri worked up the nerve to take that hand and push it down between his legs.

            “Nnn.” He whined, again, without meaning to as Otabek’s hand squeezed him through the thin material.

            “Is this okay?”

            “Y-Yeah, it’s fine.”

            That was all Otabek needed to shove his hand into those leggings and pull his dick out, jacking him off in fast, steady motions as Yuri squirmed and panted at the touch. “Do you want to touch me too? You don’t have to.”

            Yuri bit his lip at the request and shivered when Otabek’s hand slowed down. It scared him a little bit, but if he was going to constantly let Otabek get him off, he couldn’t just never return the favor. “I-I can touch you.” He stuttered, his face burning red as Otabek let go of him, so he could roll over.

            “Aw, your face.” Otabek laughed, pressing a kiss to the side of his nose. “Don’t be embarrassed. Just do what comes natural like when you touch yourself.”

            Yuri nodded and trailed his hand down Otabek’s abs underneath the blanket, his heart beating faster and faster as his fingertips ran over the fuzz of his treasure trail to the bulge in his boxers. Shit, Otabek had taken his pants off to sleep. His hand trembled a bit when he touched the tent in his best friend’s underwear, feeling Otabek twitch at his touch.

            When he glanced up, Otabek was blushing too, his face completely flushed as he stared down at where they could see the movement through the blanket.

            Yuri took a deep breath and dipped his hand below the waistband to pull him out, his heart threatening to burst as he stroked it in slow, unsure thrusts. Otabek groaned on the first contact and immediately brought his own hand back to Yuri, occupying his mouth again on his collar as their hands moved back and forth.

            It felt a lot like his own, just bigger and a lot warmer too, quickly becoming slick in his hand as he leaked into Yuri’s palm.

            “Beka.” Yuri breathed when his teeth scraped his skin and Otabek paused to rub his thumb around his tip. His heart was still racing as he stroked Otabek, but he found himself not wanting this to end. Otabek’s cock was just so _excited_ in his hand and hard as a fucking rock as he stroked it. It felt amazing knowing he could make someone else feel good like that, even another boy. Just like before though, he felt his orgasm swelling way too soon. “Fuck, Beks, I’m really close, but fuck, I don’t want to cum yet.”

            “Here.” Otabek breathed, taking his hand away and bucking his hips forward into Yuri’s hand. “You feel so good, you have no idea.”

            “Really?” Yuri swallowed. “I-I’m not good at this.”

            “Not a lot of wrong ways to do it.” Otabek pulled back, so he could meet his eyes. “You look really good right now.”

            “I just woke up.” Yuri laughed, stopping to drag his thumb around Otabek’s tip like he’d always do to himself.

            “You do though. I know you don’t like to be called beautiful and stuff, but you really are.”

            Yuri rolled his eyes.

            “You _are_.” Otabek nudged their noses together and wrapped his hand around Yuri again. “Kiss me.”

            Yuri’s heart skipped and he leaned forward to meet him, parting his lips right away, so he could feel Otabek’s tongue while their hands moved. They both had morning breath a little bit, but after a minute, everything just tasted sweet like water as they kissed deeper and more intensely. As they got closer and closer, the kisses became deeper, both of them gasping in each other’s mouths until Yuri was the first to spill over.

He whimpered against Otabek’s lips and let his hand go slack for a moment while Otabek stroked him through it until he found his head again. “Sorry.” He breathed, tightening his grip on Otabek again and stroking him fast. “You close?”

            “Yeah, don’t stop.” Otabek said in a breathy voice, leaning in to get Yuri back in a kiss as he got closer to orgasm.

            Yuri’s heart had slowed a bit with the relaxation of an orgasm, but that kiss had him going crazy again. Otabek’s tongue was just needy and desperate, sucking on Yuri’s lower lip until he made it there and moaned right into Yuri’s mouth, swallowing around his tongue as he came.

            Otabek was always so fucking collected and calm. It was amazing to see him fall apart right there in Yuri’s hand as he emptied himself and there was just so _much_ of it. “Shit.” He sighed when it passed. “That was a lot.”

            Yuri pulled his hand out from beneath the blanket and blushed again at the sight of Otabek’s cum over his palm, webbing between his fingers. It should be gross, but he liked the sight of it. He’d made Otabek do that.

            “You make me feel so good.” Otabek whispered, kissing a line down Yuri’s jaw. “Do you want to shower?”

            “You can go first if you want.” He said as he stared at his hand.

            “You can jump in with me if you want. Not for like round two or anything, but it’d be easier.” Otabek shrugged.

            “You just want to see me naked.” Yuri laughed. A shower together sounded pretty good though. He liked to look at Otabek now that he could. “Sure, I don’t mind.”

            “Yeah?” Otabek grinned and Yuri’s heart warmed at the sight. He looked cute like that, his hair all over the place and his lips kind of swollen. “We have to wash your bed sheets at some point.”

            “I’ll throw them in after.” Yuri said, peeling out of his shirt and getting out of bed to get the leggings down. His thighs were a little bit of a mess which was kind of gross, but he didn’t feel a lot of anxiety over Otabek seeing him naked and messy like that. It was a few steps below having him blow him, or jack him off.

            Otabek followed and stripped out of his clothes too, leaving them in the pile with Yuri’s as they went across the hall to the bathroom together.

            “It’s kind of tight.” Yuri said, sliding the glass door of the stall open and reaching in to turn on the water, so he could rinse his hand off.

            “I don’t mind.” Otabek shrugged.

            “Yeah of course you don’t.” Yuri smiled as he stepped in under the water, letting Otabek come in before shutting the door.

            Otabek’s eyes ran over him before he reached forward to put a hand on his hip. “I love how you look.”

            “You’ve seen most of it before.” He swallowed, looking down at where Otabek was touching him.

            “Yeah, but this is different. You’re like _naked_ naked, you know?”

            “So are you.”

            “You got me there.” Otabek said, leaning in and planting a kiss on the side of Yuri’s nose. “Are you feeling okay about everything?”

            “Well, I’m here, yeah?” Yuri shrugged, stepping to the side, so Otabek could come under the water. “I um… I-I like what we’re doing.”

            “Okay, well tell me if I ever take things too far.” Otabek said, giving him another kiss on his cheek. “Come here.” He took Yuri’s shoulders and turned him, stepping behind him and the water, so it washed over Yuri’s back.

            “What are you doing?”

            “Just trying to help you relax.” Otabek said as he rubbed his shoulders, kneading his thumbs into the tense muscles to work out the knots.

            Yuri sighed and let him do it, relishing in how strong his hands felt. He hated how much everything made sense with Otabek. It just proved over and over that this was really who he was. As if it wasn’t hard enough, not only was he gay, but he seemed to be the submissive type too. He melted when Otabek touched him.

            “I love how you are when we’re alone you know.”

            “What, because of the sex?”

            “No, you’re just more yourself when we’re alone. You’re so self conscious and when we’re by ourselves, you’re so sweet and you open up.” Otabek pressed his fingers into Yuri’s neck and he sighed, relishing in the touch. “I’ll make us breakfast after this.”

            “Thanks, Beka. Fuck, you’re the best.”

            “If you want, I can give you a real massage later.”

            “You don’t have to do that.” Yuri blushed. “I feel bad that you do so much for me and I’m kind of just…” He shrugged his shoulders.

            “It’s fine, you’re still getting comfortable.” He ran his hands down Yuri’s sides again. “Listen, I know you’re really insecure about your masculinity, but I want you to try to put that out of your head when you’re with me. Nothing you _ever_ do is going to make me see you as less of a guy, so…” Otabek gave him a squeeze and pressed another kiss to his neck. “Let me rub your shoulders and cook you breakfast and shit. I love doing that kind of thing.”

            “Fuck, Beka.” Yuri sighed, turning around in his arms and kissing him all he wanted, tasting the water droplets on his lips and even letting his hands wander to Otabek’s hips. “I want to do something for you.”

            “Don’t worry about me right now.” Otabek grinned, locking his arms around Yuri’s thin waist and holding him against his chest. “Every time you kiss me on your own, it like adds a year on my life.” He pressed his lips against Yuri’s cheek. “You look hot with your hair wet.”

            Yuri laughed at that and let himself relax for a little bit, kissing Otabek under the water and enjoying the feeling of someone else’s hands on his skin. Otabek was so fucking good at keeping him calm and happy. He didn’t drag him into some emotional conversation about where this relationship was going, he just touched him and told him stupid jokes until they started to prune up a little bit.

            “Are you gonna roast me if I offer to do your hair?” Otabek asked as they each wrapped a towel around their waist.

            “Hm?” Yuri blinked. “You want to?”

            “Yeah, you love when I do.”

            He blushed at that. Otabek had done his hair a few times before for competitions and he’d always loved it. He was good at it and it was more relaxing than a massage. “I mean as long as you want to.”

            “Course I do.” Otabek said, wrapping his arms around him from behind and kissing the side of his neck. “You still want to go on that picnic date?”

            “Oh shit, today’s Friday. I mean, yeah. I want to. We could just um…” He felt his face heat up. “We could spend the day together.”

            “Sounds perfect.” Otabek let go of him and dragged a stool up to the vanity for Yuri to sit on. “Sit down, I’ll make you look hot.”

            “Am I not already?”

            “Hotter.” Otabek shrugged, grabbing a brush from the counter. “Let’s do it like we did for the finals last year.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have a really busy week so?? Next chapter up Friday most likely.


	5. Chapter Five

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yurio's gettin kinda confident folks (or is he lmao)

Yuri was starting to think he could live with this. Maybe he’d have to hide it around people, but he could be himself with Otabek and he could be as open as he was comfortable being.

            He was anxious at the movies, unable to stop blushing, looking over his shoulder constantly for someone who might recognize them before Otabek moved the armrest up and leaned over to kiss him.

            “See? World didn’t end.” Otabek whispered against his lips before he pulled back and settled into his seat like nothing happened.

            “Point taken.” Yuri rolled his eyes and took the initiative to lift Otabek’s arm and tuck himself under it.

            “Hm.” Otabek laughed.

            “What?”

            “I think the key to opening you up might be to challenge you all the time.”

            “I am competitive.” Yuri shrugged, leaning his head on Otabek’s shoulder as he watched the movie and Otabek went to take a sip of the massive soda they were sharing. “I think I want to suck your dick later.”

            Otabek choked on the soda and clamped a hand over his mouth before he could spit it over the empty row in front of them. “Really?”

            “You do it for me.”

            “Yeah, but… I mean, are you sure?”

            Yuri saw how his eyes lit up and laughed, allowing himself to be a little cute and kissing Otabek’s cheek. “I think so.”

            “Okay.” Otabek blushed, eyes still wide. “You can always change your mind.”

            “Even I wouldn’t tease you that bad.”

            Otabek just took a deep breath and squeezed Yuri’s shoulder. “I’m so fucking crazy about you.”

            Yuri’s heart warmed and he relished in how it felt again to be held by someone. He was embarrassed to admit it even in his head, but he loved that feeling. Otabek smelled like rain and he was warm. Yuri was always fucking cold.

**

            They took the motorcycle to the picnic spot, Yuri blushing the whole way. The way Otabek described it, it seemed pretty private, so he could be a little more comfortable with being on a date with another guy. Otabek drove him down a nature trail, following signs towards the waterfall. It was definitely man-made, being in Russia and all, but it still seemed pretty romantic. They followed the signs up to a small cliff’s ledge that overlooked the waterfall and set up, laying the blanket out with the cooler and the picnic basket.

            “Are you warm enough?” Otabek asked when they sat down, rubbing Yuri’s back to make sure he wasn’t getting too cold.

            “Yeah.” Yuri smiled, moving over to sit close to him as he looked out at the waterfall. It was small, but he liked it. He felt like they were alone. “Can I kiss you before we eat? I like it here.”

            Otabek didn’t bother replying and pulled Yuri right into a kiss, both hands coming up to hold his face as he did it. “You never have to ask.” He breathed against Yuri’s lips before he kissed him again, sliding his tongue into Yuri’s mouth as their lips parted further to accommodate it.

            Yuri let out a gasp without meaning to, but he didn’t feel so embarrassed about it when Otabek did the same. He did feel embarrassed when his pants grew tight though and pulled away, red in the face. “U-Um, we should eat and stuff.”

            “Okay.” Otabek laughed, keeping his hand on Yuri’s cheek for a moment before he grabbed the picnic basket and pulled out the sandwiches they’d bought on the way.

            Yuri tugged his jacket down to hide his erection and took the sandwich, leaning into Otabek as he bit into it. “These are really good.”

            “Yeah? Eat up, I always worry you’re not eating enough.”

            “I eat, it’s just hard to do my ballet exercises and stuff if I overdo it.”

            Otabek frowned and pressed a kiss to the top of Yuri’s head. “Still.”

            Yuri let himself snuggle in a little closer and looked out over the waterfall. No one had ever really noticed those days when he’d skip meals. Otabek really cared about him like that? He set his food back down and pressed a line of kisses down Otabek’s neck, his hand shaking a little with nerves as he stroked it up Otabek’s thigh.

            “Baby, you don’t have to do anything that you don’t want to.”

            Baby? Yuri’s heart leapt to his throat. He fucking loved how that sounded. No one had ever given him a pet name before. He took a deep breath and thumbed open Otabek’s jeans. “You swear no one will walk in on us up here?”

            “I mean, I guess there’s always a risk, yeah? I’ve never seen anyone come up here though.” Otabek said, putting his food down.

            “Okay.” Yuri breathed, dragging down his zipper and feeling his mouth water at the sight of Otabek’s cock through the thin white material of his briefs. “Literally when have you ever worn tighty whities?” He laughed when he looked back at his face.

            “I didn’t think you’d do this here.” Otabek blushed, laughing too as he looked down at himself. “I don’t have a ton of laundry right now, I was gonna change later.”

            “That’s um… That’s kind of cute?” Yuri bit his lip and felt his heart skip when Otabek’s bulge grew a little bit.

            “Shit, sorry.”

            “It’s fine, I um… I like it.” He looked around to double check that no one was around then pulled back the waistband of Otabek’s underwear. “Can you um…”

            “What do you need?”

            “Lift up a little.”

            Otabek nodded and shifted a little, so Yuri could tug everything down a little more, pulling his jeans and underwear halfway down his thighs to expose everything.

            “Can you tell me what to do?” Yuri asked, his face burning red as he looked at Otabek’s erection. It still seemed really big to him, like he might not be able to fit most of it in his mouth. The sound of the waterfall was a little calming, but not enough to keep his heart from pounding out of his chest.

            “You can start just by touching it.” Otabek said as he leaned in to press a kiss to Yuri’s cheek. “You can stop whenever you want.”

            “Um… I-I don’t know how to um…”

            “Here.” Otabek took Yuri’s hand and guided it to his cock. “Just like this morning, yeah?”

            “Yeah.” Yuri swallowed as he stroked his hand up and down Otabek’s length. It had been easier in the morning when they were close and in bed, the covers helping to hide everything, but now they were out in the open and he really wanted to make Otabek feel good. He liked how the weight of it felt in his hand and he wondered if he could get him turned on enough if Otabek would call him Baby again. He tightened his grip a tiny bit and started to stroke him faster, rubbing his thumb around the tip and spreading the pre-cum around.

            “Fuck.” Otabek sighed, his hand coming up to rest on the back of Yuri’s neck, stroking him there a little. “Do you know how to use your mouth?”

            “Not really.”

            “Just use your hand on whatever doesn’t fit, don’t choke yourself or anything. I’ll guide you.”

            Yuri nodded and licked his lips, his heart still racing as Otabek kept rubbing his neck. Fuck, it was such a gentle touch, but it was driving him crazy and his jeans were almost painfully tight. “Okay, um… I-I might not be too good at this.”

            “That’s okay, Baby. Just do what feels good.”

            His heart thumped at that name again and he held Otabek’s cock up to aim it towards his mouth. “Can you touch my hair while I do this?”

            “Yeah.” He smiled, moving his hand up into Yuri’s hair and stroking it a little. “You’re doing great.”

            Yuri took one more deep breath and bent down, his hand trembling as he held Otabek’s base. He had no idea how it would taste, but he shut his eyes and took the tip in his mouth, Otabek whimpering the moment he did it. Holy shit, he liked that sound. It didn’t taste bad either. It just tasted kind of like skin and a little salty. He sucked hard on the tip to hear Otabek whine again then sunk down a little further. Shit, he only had half of it in his mouth and he already felt like he couldn’t fit more.

            “Fuck, Yuri that feels good.” Otabek gasped, his hand tightening on his hair. “Use your tongue.”

            Yuri swirled it around the tip and dipped it a little into Otabek’s slit, swallowing the pre-cum that leaked into his mouth. He felt like he was doing kind of a sloppy job, but Otabek’s thighs were tense and he kept tugging on Yuri’s hair. He couldn’t be doing too bad.

            “Oh my God, Yura.” Otabek groaned. “Just like that. Hum.”

            Shit, he forgot about that. He hummed around Otabek’s cock and pressed down a little further, swallowing around him to try and control his gag reflex. Fuck, he would touch himself if he thought he had the coordination for it. He was trying to focus on not choking and using his hand on the few inches he couldn’t get in his mouth. Fuck, he was really hard though.

            “Yura, I-I’m gonna cum. You don’t have to swallow if you don’t want to, so fuck, pull off.”

            No fucking way. Otabek had swallowed for him, so he bobbed his head back and forth a little faster until Otabek gasped and Yuri’s mouth filled with a warm liquid that he swallowed without hesitation. He kept his mouth there until Otabek was finished then pulled off and caught his breath, his own cock aching for attention in his jeans, but for the moment he was a little focused on seeing if he’d done a good job or not.

            “Come here.” Otabek breathed, pulling him right into a kiss.

            Yuri thought he’d be grossed out, but Otabek slipped his tongue right into Yuri’s mouth. Fuck, he really needed to calm himself down, or get his cock out because he was seriously worked up.

            “I like to taste it.” Otabek mumbled against his lips and Yuri’s heart skipped, gasping as his cock twitched in his jeans and a wet spot formed as he shuddered against Otabek.

            Shit, did he really just fucking do that? Yuri trembled with oversensitivity as he kissed Otabek back, too afraid to end the kiss and let Otabek noticed he’d just cum in his pants like a fucking middle schooler. He wrapped his arms around Otabek’s neck and kept kissing him, searching his mind for a way he could hide it. His jacket wasn’t really long enough, but maybe if he took it off fast enough, he could put it in his lap. Shit, but what about when they got back on the motorcycle?

            Before Yuri had a chance to decide on a game plan, Otabek’s hand slid down to cup him through his jeans and felt the softness and the wet spot.

            “Oh.” Otabek blinked when he parted from the kiss. “Shit, sorry I should’ve um… I-I should have paid more attention to you.”

            Yuri felt like he could fucking cry. How embarrassed could he get? He batted Otabek’s hand away and stood up, fumbling to get his jacket off and try to hide the spot. “I-I’m gonna go home.”       

            “What?” Otabek’s face fell. “Yuri, it’s fine. It happens. You’ve never done this stuff before.”

            He shook his head, his face burning as he held his jacket in front of him and stepped away. “I-I’ll walk back down and call an Uber.”

            “You don’t have to be embarrassed, it’s just me. I’m not judging you.” Otabek shifted around and pulled his jeans back up, his face still flushed when he stood up and grabbed Yuri’s wrist. “Yuri, it’s fine.”

            “It’s not.”

            “Why? There’s no one here but us, you don’t have any reason to be embarrassed.”

            “What the fuck Otabek, of course there’s a reason.” Yuri glared, ripping his arm away from him. “Leave me alone, okay?”

            Otabek’s face fell, his shoulders slumping as he looked at Yuri with those stupid brown eyes that always made him feel so guilty. “Why do you always act like this? I-I get that you’re embarrassed and stuff, but whenever you get upset, you never fucking talk to me. You just ditch me o-or get mad and me and I-I’m like…” He crossed his arms and bit his lip. “Yuri, it hurts me that you just want to walk away all the time.”

            “I mean why do you act like I’m just being sensitive? You’ve done all this before and you’ve been with all these fucking people and I’m a fucking virgin a-and I don’t know what I’m doing and I want to be good at it, but I’m nervous and embarrassed all the time.” Yuri sniffed. “I-I don’t understand how all of you do this.”

            “None of us were this comfortable from day one.” Otabek said, reaching out to take his hand again and pulling him back. “It takes a lot of time and when it comes to sex, you’re just not used to this stuff. That takes time too.” He squeezed Yuri’s hand and looked out at the waterfall. “I really, really wanted to share this place with you. I-I don’t want you to be pissed at me and leave when we were doing so well today.”

            “I-I’m not pissed at you, I’m just… I-I’m just embarrassed. I always am.” Yuri blushed, looking down at his feet. “Was I um… W-Was I bad at the blowjob? I know you’re always really nice about this stuff, but I know I couldn’t do it like you could.”

            “There’s not a super wrong way to do it.” Otabek said, leaning in to kiss the corner of his mouth. “You were perfect. I love how cute you get when you make a move.”

            Yuri sighed and let go of his hand walking back to their blanket and sitting down. “Sorry for being so difficult. I-I don’t want to hurt your feelings or anything.”

            “It’s okay, just try to talk to me okay? When you just want to leave, it freaks me out.” Otabek came over and sat down next to him, pulling his food back out of the basket and wrapping an arm around Yuri’s shoulders.

            “I’m glad we have today together.” Yuri said, his jacket bundled in his lap as he leaned his head on Otabek’s shoulder for warmth.

            “You cold?”

            “A little.”

            “Here.” Otabek set his food down and shrugged off his jacket, draping it over Yuri before planting a kiss on top of his head. “Yakov will kill you if you get sick.”

            “Yeah.” Yuri laughed, snuggling back into Otabek a little bit. “I guess then you’d get to take care of me though.”

            “I wouldn’t complain.” Otabek said as he looked out over the landscape. “Are you gonna be okay to sleep by yourself tonight? I know you’re anxious and stuff.”

            “Um… I-I wouldn’t complain if you wanted to stay over again.” Yuri blushed. “Would that be weird? I don’t want to be too clingy.”

            “You’re not the clingy one here.” Otabek smiled, pressing his lips into Yuri’s hair again. “If you want me over, I’ll stay.”

            “I just get all freaked out when I start to overthink what we’re doing, but I feel okay when you’re with me.”

            “We’ll keep your mind off of things.” Otabek said as Yuri listened to the sound of the rushing water. “I hope you can start to feel okay about this soon.”

**

            Yuri spent the night curled up with Otabek, pushing all the freaked out thoughts out of his head. He still had no idea how he was going to carry on hiding this, but when a half asleep Otabek rolled over and hugged him like a teddy bear, it was impossible to worry about anything.

            In the morning, he got up early and showered then made Otabek some breakfast just to thank him for being so sweet about everything.

            “Hey.” Otabek yawned, wandering out to the kitchen in a towel as Yuri set the table. “Aw did you do this?”

            “Yeah, um… Y’know, thanks for putting up with me lately.”

            “Look at you being all domestic.” Otabek grinned, holding his towel up with one hand as he came over to give Yuri a kiss on the cheek. “Thank you. Did you sleep okay?”

            “Yeah um… You’re pretty clingy in your sleep you know.” Yuri blushed.

            “Shit, sorry.”

            “No, I liked it.” Yuri smiled. “I mean, you’re warm and everything.”

            “Well, I love sleeping with you. You’re really cozy.” Otabek shrugged and put his hands on Yuri’s hips. Yuri was already dressed for practice in some dark grey leggings and a red t-shirt, but Otabek was looking at him like he’d dressed up, or something.

            “What?”

            “You just look good in the morning.” Otabek said, his face a little pink when he gave Yuri a short kiss. “I’m gonna get dressed then I’ll eat okay? Thanks for making it.”

            “Well, I know you need protein in the morning.” Yuri blushed, eyes wandering over Otabek’s torso. Shit, he loved looking at that.

            Otabek left to go get dressed and Yuri started to eat, hoping his stomach would ease up a little. He was really nervous about going to practice. He trusted Mila to stay quiet, but she still might talk to keep the rumors from getting back to her boyfriend.

            “Is everything okay?” Otabek asked when he walked back out, dressed in black leggings and a t-shirt as he came right up to kiss Yuri’s head.

            “I’m kind of nervous to see everyone after the Mila thing.”

            “Shit, it’ll be okay.” Otabek frowned, sitting down next to him. “Just stick by me, yeah? We’ll focus on practicing and ignore everything else.”

            “Okay.” Yuri sighed. “Yeah, um… Try not to leave me alone.”

            “I’ll be right there.” Otabek squeezed his knee and took a few bites of scrambled eggs. “Hey, this is good.”

            “Really?”

            “Yeah, I like your cooking.” Otabek smiled. “Want to ride the bike to practice?”

            “You really know how to cheer me up you know.”

            “I know.” Otabek said, leaning over to kiss his cheek. “I’ll go back to my place tonight, but call me if you’re having a rough time okay?”

            “Okay.” Yuri nodded as he poked a little at his food. He felt fat that morning for whatever reason. Maybe he’d eaten too much yesterday.

            They ate together and gathered their stuff, Yuri keeping his eyes closed for the full ride to the ice rink. Shit, it’d be nice to sleep in for once.

            When they got to practice, Mila, Victor, and Yuuri were already out on the ice with Yakov barking from the sidelines. Yuri plopped down on a bench and tugged his skates on, lacing them up tight enough to hurt. “Beka, I’m gonna go ahead and warm up.”

            “Are you okay on your own?”

            “Yeah, I actually want to just skate off some of the anxiety you know? I don’t want to tie you to my side or anything just because I’m a mess.”

            “Okay.” Otabek nodded, giving his knee a squeeze before Yuri stood up and headed for the ice.

            He kept his head down and focused on warming up, taking deep breaths and gliding around the rink. The cold air always felt nice in the morning. It helped him wake up and the ice wasn’t too scratched up yet, so it was easy to practice his footwork without worrying.

            “Yurio?”

            Shit. Yuri skidded to a quick stop and turned to look at Victor. “What?”

            “Can I talk to you?” Victor asked, his eyebrows pushed together in that dumb concerned look Yuri hated. Victor was always trying to act like his fucking dad whenever he thought something was wrong and Yuri really didn’t feel like talking about it.

            “I really need to practice.”

            “It’ll just take a minute. We’re right by the boards, we’re out of the way.” Victor skated around him to see him face to face. “Everyone’s worried about you.”

            “Jesus, why?” Yuri huffed. “I’m not doing anything, I’m just…”

            “Something’s up with you, I mean you look like you’re hurting lately and no one knows what’s going on. That thing with Mila, did that… did that really happen?”

            Yuri’s face turned red. “Y-Yeah. It did, so what?”

            “So why are you messing around with people like that? She has a boyfriend and geeze, Yuri that’s just…” Victor shrugged. “That’s not like you. You’re so focused on skating and if you’re going through something, you know you have people to talk to yeah?”

            “Victor, you’re not my dad. Can you just leave me alone?”

            “Are you at least talking to Otabek about whatever’s going on? I know we tease you guys, but I don’t want you to think we’ll give you shit for spending time with your friend.”

            “I don’t know what you think is going on with me. It’s nothing.” Yuri slipped the hair tie from his wrist and tied his hair up to get it out of his eyes. He felt like even more of a freak knowing everyone thought he was some troubled kid now. This was the stuff that made him feel like shit for liking guys. It was this whole big fucking ordeal that got everyone worried about him and gave him something to hide and as good as it felt to be with Otabek, he wished again that he didn’t have to deal with this at all. “Just mind your business okay?” Yuri sighed, skating backwards away from him. “I’m fine.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter by next wednesday most likely!


	6. Chapter Six

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> THINGS HEATING UP YALL

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THIS IS SO LATE IM SORRY

            Yuri felt a little cagey after that. It was like everyone was looking at him and analyzing him and he felt so fucking embarrassed about why. The more everyone worried about him, the more mortifying the idea of coming out was. He hated getting attention that was for anything but his skating. Otabek kept coming over to practice with him, but Yuri tried to take his space. He felt a little like he might be too clingy lately too and the last thing he wanted to do was smother the one person who he really needed at the moment.

            Otabek caught him at the water break, his eyes full of that same concern he’d just seen on Victor. “Hey, are you avoiding me? I-I thought you wanted me to stick around you today.”

            “I’m not, I’m just… I don’t know, Victor gave me this whole spiel about being worried about me and I kind of just want to be alone. I feel like a freak.” Yuri grimaced, holding his water bottle with both hands.

            “Shit, I’m sorry.” Otabek sighed. “Hey we don’t have to spend the night together again, but can I take you out for ramen after this? I can walk you home.”

            “Okay.” Yuri glanced back towards the ice where Victor was twirling Yuuri around and felt his heart sink. Why was it so hard for him to be like that? Fuck, he hated this. “Yeah, that’d be nice.”

            “You want to keep practicing by yourself?”

            “For now, yeah. Thanks for um… Y’know, thanks for being understanding.”

            “Whatever helps you feel okay right now.” Otabek shrugged. “Just come get me if you need me.”

            Yuri smiled a little at that and nodded, nudging Otabek’s skate with his own. “Thanks, Beka.” Every time he had doubts, Otabek kept being sweet and he just wanted to curl up with him again as cheesy as the thought was. “I’ll meet you in the locker room after, okay?”

            “Okay.” Otabek smiled back. “We can leave the motorcycle here and just walk since it’s so close.”

            “Sounds good.” Yuri took one more sip of water then gave Otabek’s wrist a quick squeeze while no one was looking before stepping onto the ice again. Maybe if he landed enough quads, he’d have the fucking confidence to not feel insecure in his own rink.

**

            Otabek walked him out of practice as soon as they were done and lead him down the black to the only ramen noodles place in the city. He felt a little bit better, but it still seemed like everyone was watching and analyzing him. The feeling made his skin crawl.

            Once they turned the corner from the rink, Otabek reached over to take Yuri’s hand, but his heart leapt to his throat and he ripped it out of his grip without thinking.

            “Jesus, sorry.” Otabek winced, pulling away from him and stuffing his hand in his pocket. “No one’s looking at us.”

            “There’s too many people around still.” Yuri mumbled as they walked, his face already red.

            “You don’t have to be so aggressive like that. Geeze Yuri, it hurts me.” Otabek sighed as they walked down the sidewalk, plenty of other hand holding couples passing them. “Are you really that embarrassed to be seen with me?”

            “Not because you’re you, because we’re… you know.” He swallowed. “You know that’s why.”

            “I know, but…” Otabek took a deep breath and shook his head. “I’m trying to be understanding, but shit, when you rip your hand away like that, I feel like garbage.”

            Yuri’s chest ached as he stared down at the sidewalk. “Beka, I’m not trying to hurt your feelings. I’m just not good at doing this stuff in public yet.”

            “I know.” Otabek huffed. “I just… I have a lot of trouble figuring out what’s really in your head. I mean when we were in bed together last night and you let me hold you, I felt like there was no way you don’t like me the same way I like you, but then you didn’t want to be with me at practice and you act like you’re fucking repulsed when I try to hold your hand.” He ran a hand through his hair and Yuri’s stomach did a somersault.

            “I’m sorry.” He gulped. “I-It was just instinct.”

            “Then here.” Otabek held his hand back out and Yuri stopped walking, staring at it with wide eyes as people walked around them.

            “Beka.” Yuri croaked, his eyes welling up as he stared at it. “I-I can’t. There’s too many people around, can we please just go get dinner?”

            “Seriously?” Otabek’s eyebrows pushed together. “Yuri.”

            “Beka, I really can’t. Please I-I thought you were okay with me wanting to keep this a secret.” Yuri said, his heart racing as he glanced around them, terrified of any passers by picking up on their conversation. “You’re scaring me.” He felt his hands tremble as he wrung them together, his breath picking up as he glanced between the anger on his boyfriend’s face and the crowd of foot traffic around them. He felt exposed like everyone who looked at them could see some kind of lover’s dispute and now they were all watching him and judging him and they all _knew_. “I-I don’t want to go anymore, I want to go home, I can’t do this.” He gasped, a hand flying up to cover his mouth as he felt his knees wobble with panic. He couldn’t breathe. People were really looking at him now.

            “Yuri?”

            His chest rose and fell as he glanced around, starting to hyperventilate. He’d never felt like this before even with competitions.

            “Whoa, hey… Yura, breathe.” Otabek said, the anger falling from his face. “Yura seriously. Holy shit, breathe.”

            “You hate me.” Yuri croaked through quick sharp breaths. “Y-You hate me, I made you hate me. I-I shouldn’t have done this, I should’ve just k-kept this to myself and-“

            “Stop, stop, hey.” Otabek grabbed him by the wrist and tugged him off the sidewalk, leading him quickly down a side alley and out of sight. “No one can see you here, take a deep breath.” He said in a low voice as Yuri leaned against the brick wall, tears clouding his vision.

            “Why did you do that to me?” Yuri cried, sliding down the wall to the ground and pulling his knees in. “We talked about this, I-I told you how I feel. I’m not ready to do anything in public and you made me feel like a monster for being too nervous to hold your hand.” He gasped for air and kept his face hidden in his knees.

            “Yuri, I just… I-I just thought…” Otabek bit his lip and knelt down next to him. “Yura, I didn’t know it was this extreme for you.”

            “Of course it is, I’m a fucking freak.” He sobbed, tears still rolling down his cheeks as he hid his face. “I feel like everyone’s looking at me. I didn’t used to have to deal with any of this, how the fuck do you guys do it?”

            “Look, we’re alone right here. Can I hold you? Would that help or make it worse?”

            Yuri sniffled and wiped his eyes, looking up at him and holding his arms out.

            “Come here.” Otabek breathed as he pulled him into a hug, squeezing tight. “I’m sorry, just hold on to me and breathe. No one’s looking.”

            Yuri buried his face in Otabek’s neck and squeezed him back tight. “You got so mad at me.”

            “Baby, I just can’t get my head around how hard this is for you. I’m insane about you and I want to show it, so I get kind of scared when I think you don’t feel the same way.”

            “I’m crazy about you too I-I just…” Yuri’s breath hitched. “I-I can’t show it like you can. I wouldn’t be doing any of this if I didn’t feel something for you, this is like hell for me.” His heart skipped from Otabek using that pet name again and he felt even more ashamed.

            “Yuri, what can we do to make you comfortable with this? You can’t live in this state of anxiety all the time.” Otabek sighed as he rubbed his back.

            “I-I don’t know. I can’t stop thinking about what my Grandpa will think.”

            “You could be out to different degrees, Yuri. I was out to my friends and my coach for years before I told my parents. It’s not all or nothing.”

            “I know, I just really…. I-I can’t tell anyone. I’m not ready yet. Maybe one day, but not right now, Beka. I-I need you to be okay with that.” Yuri’s mouth wobbled and he moved his arms to around Otabek’s neck. “I can’t lose you.”

            “I’m not going anywhere.” Otabek cooed, kissing the top of his head. “Yuri, I need you to know that I’m here for you no matter what, okay? This is just a little hard for me because you can get so distant so fast and you’re not easy to read, but that doesn’t mean I would ever leave you. You’re still my best friend first.”

            Yuri swallowed the lump in his throat and pulled away to wipe his eyes. “I’m sorry I hurt your feelings.”

            “I mean, I gave you a panic attack, so I think we can call it even.” Otabek grimaced. “Are you okay?”

            “I don’t want to be clingy, but um… I-I don’t want to sleep alone, Beka. Can I sleep at your place tonight?” He wiped his eyes and glanced anxiously at the entrance to the alleyway to make sure no one was coming. “It’s okay if you don’t want me to, but I fed Potya this morning, so I can go to your place without stopping at mine first.”

            “Of course you can.” Otabek smiled, wiping some of the tear tracks from Yuri’s face and pushing his hair back behind his ear. “Do you still feel like ramen?”

            “I don’t know, I feel kind of fat today.” Yuri mumbled, picking at a tear in his jeans. “I can skip.”

            “What? Okay, no. You’re eating dinner.” Otabek leaned in and pressed a kiss to the corner of his mouth. “You’re perfect. Let me buy you noodles and stuff.”

            Yuri let out a stuffy laugh and leaned his head back on Otabek’s shoulder. “Just give me a minute to stop looking gross.”

            “You look cute when you cry.”

            “You know that’s a lie.”

            “Just a little one.” Otabek smiled before standing up and holding his hand out.

            Yuri didn’t hesitate to take it this time and let Otabek pull him up, wiping his eyes one more time. “Sorry for all the drama. Again.”

            “You are pretty dramatic lately. Want to just get the food to go? We can go back to my place.”

            “I feel like I’m smothering you.”

            “You’re not.” Otabek pulled Yuri against him one more time and kissed the top of his head while there wasn’t anyone to see them. “Baby, we have to figure out a way to get you over this anxiety. At least a little bit.”

            “I know.” Yuri sniffed. “Also, um…”

            “Yeah?”

            “I love it when you call me that.” Yuri blushed, leaning his head on Otabek’s shoulder. “Like really, really love it.”

            “Really?”

            He nodded and kept his arms around Otabek’s waist.

            “So do you get any anxiety when we do stuff alone?”

            “I mean just nerves sometimes when we’re messing around because I haven’t done it before and um… I-I like you, so I don’t want to be bad at it. I don’t mind dealing with that, but out in public, I just feel terrified about people staring at us. Plus it seems like even when I think my fans aren’t around, there’s always someone and if they got a picture of us…” Yuri shrugged. “I’m not ready for that yet.”

            “Okay.” Otabek gave him a squeeze. “Let’s go get dinner, I’ll give you your space until we get back.”

            “Thanks, Beka.” Yuri wiped his eyes one more time and took a deep breath as he pulled away, following Otabek back out of the alleyway. Shit, he really did need to get a handle on this anxiety. It was starting to make Otabek feel bad and that was the last thing he wanted.

            They walked the few blocks to the noodle shop and got their food to go, bagging it up before making the trip back to the rink, so Otabek could get the motorcycle. Riding on that thing really helped him relax. The vibrations and the wind against his face, being so close to Otabek in a way that didn’t give their relationship away.

            Yuri had no idea what he’d done to deserve this boy. As soon as they got inside, Otabek set the food up on the coffee table and gave Yuri some pajamas to change into just to be comfy while they sat on the couch together and ate. Yuri actually finished first and laid down with his head in Otabek’s lap, letting him play with his hair while they watched some dumb zombie movie they’d found on TV.

            “Are you feeling better?” Otabek asked, reaching over him to set down an empty take out container. “Hey, I’m really sorry that I yelled at you earlier.”

            “It’s fine. I mean, I understand.”

            “I just don’t want you to think that I’m mad at you for being secretive with this. I just really care about you, you know?” Otabek bent down and kissed Yuri’s temple. “I get a little insecure when I think about how you feel about me.”

            “I don’t want you to be.” Yuri sighed, sitting himself up and moving closer to him. “It’s getting really hard at the rink, I’ll think about telling people there okay? I’ll actually think about it.”

            Otabek smiled at him and leaned in to plant a kiss on Yuri’s lips, letting him feel the warmth and softness that brought him so much comfort when they were alone. “Thank you.” He mumbled against Yuri’s lips, kissing him again.

            Shit, Otabek really deserved to feel loved. Yuri hated that he was feeling unsure about this, so he kissed him back and only parted when he worked up the courage to move over and sit in his lap. “I’m not ready to fuck yet, but I think I’m gonna get there.” Yuri said, pressing his forehead against Otabek’s. “Right now I kind of just want to make out.”

            “Okay.” Otabek laughed. “You’re really cute when you open up. I like when you tell me what you want.” He cupped Yuri’s face in one hand and pressed a short kiss to the corner of his mouth, waiting for Yuri to take the lead.

            Yuri did and wrapped his arms around Otabek’s neck, letting him kiss away all the stress and anxiety of the day. He wished so hard that this wasn’t taboo. He felt the same way about Otabek that guys would feel about their girlfriends, why did he have to be so embarrassed about it? Even with that frustration though, he still _was_. He was mortified thinking about his Grandpa knowing what Yuri liked in bed. That was the worst part about coming out. It was almost inherently sexual like if he told anyone, all they’d be able to see was how Yuri Plisetsky liked to have sex and who he was having it with. Although he was still a little scared to _actually_ do that part.

            Otabek’s mouth tasted like ramen and Yuri purred against his lips, his face warm as Otabek’s hands drifted down Yuri’s sides.

            “I think you can fuck me soon.” Yuri breathed when Otabek rolled his hips against him and slipped a hand up the back of his shirt.

            “Fuck, really? You don’t have to say that if you really don’t feel ready.”

            “I’m not ready now, but I think soon. Everything you do to me feels good.” Yuri sighed, blushing when Otabek kissed a line down his neck. “If you make me cum in my pants again I’ll kill you.”

            “Sorry.” Otabek laughed, pressing a few more kisses to his jaw. “You were really cute when that happened though.”

            “That was not cute.”

            “Yeah it was. Your face was all red and you get all shivery when you cum.” Otabek turned his head and dragged his tongue up Yuri’s neck, stopping and sucking a little on the skin, just enough to make him feel good, but not enough to leave a mark. Otabek slipped one hand up the front of Yuri’s shirt, pressing against his abs.

            “Don’t, I’m fat right now.” Yuri sighed, batting his hand away.

            “What?”

            “I just ate.”

            “Yura, you have a six pack.” Otabek nuzzled his nose against Yuri’s and squeezed his waist. “Don’t say stuff like that, do you really feel fat?”

            “Yeah.” Yuri rolled his eyes. He could really feel the waistband of his jeans and that always meant he’d eaten too much.

            Otabek sighed and stopped kissing him.

            “What?” Yuri’s heart sank. “I-I shouldn’t have pointed it out, now you think I look gross.” He pulled off of Otabek’s lap and reached up to let his hair down. When he felt fat, it helped not to put it up. It hid how round his cheeks were.

            “I don’t think that. You’re just scaring me a little thinking you’re overweight or something when you’re not.” Otabek reached over and tucked his hair back behind his ear. “You know you’re not, right? I know I asked before, but seriously.”

            “I know.” Yuri mumbled. Not being overweight didn’t mean he looked all that great either. Usually he wasn’t too self conscious about it, but lately with everyone looking at him so much, it was getting harder. “Sorry, I don’t mean to be difficult again.”

            “It’s okay. Let’s just watch the movie, yeah?” Otabek turned over and kicked his legs over the armrest, putting his head in Yuri’s lap and smiling up at him. “You know I think you’re beautiful right?”

            “Otabek.” Yuri blushed, rolling his eyes and looking away.

            “Seriously.” Otabek turned his head and kissed Yuri’s abs through the shirt to make him laugh.

            “That tickles, you dick.” Yuri snickered, running his hand through Otabek’s hair. He’d realized how much he liked to touch it lately. It was super thick, but soft at the same time. “Thanks for letting me stay here.”

            “You can always come to my place.” Otabek smiled as Yuri stroked his scalp. “I’ll take you to practice tomorrow morning. We’re the first ones starting, so you’ll have a little time not to worry about people staring at you and stuff.”

            “Okay.” Yuri smiled back, bending down to kiss Otabek’s forehead. “I love when we have the rink to ourselves.”

**

            “Fuck, we gotta get Yakov to stop making us practice this early.” Yuri yawned as he laced up his skates, sat on the locker room bench as Otabek put away a few things in his locker.

            “Did you sleep okay last night.”

            “Yeah, it’s just too early.”

            “Come here then.” Otabek smiled, turning around and holding his hand out.

            “What?”

            “Just come here.”

            Yuri took his hand and let Otabek pull him up, blushing as the taller boy turned him around and pressed him against the lockers. “What are you doing?”

            “I mean no one’s here, I could help you wake up.” Otabek smiled, leaning his forehead against Yuri’s and running one hand down his side to his hip. “You look cute in the morning and you’re all tall with your skates on, so I’m kinda… y’know.” His face flushed a little bit and Yuri nodded.

            “Yeah.” He breathed, biting his lip when Otabek sank down to his knees. Shit, he’d thought they would just make out, but the thought of being in Otabek’s mouth again made his knees weak. Yuri felt his face heat up as Otabek looked up at him for that final approval and he pushed his hand into his hair. “Just keep an ear out in case-“

            The sound of the door handle turning cut Yuri off mid-sentence. He only had enough time for his heart to stop and for the blood to drain from his face before it opened and Yakov stood front and center with Victor and Yuuri behind him.

            “Wow.” Victor was the first to say, one hand flying up to cover his mouth as they all looked on with wide eyes. “Shit you guys really have been-“

            “Victor don’t-“ Otabek started, but a sob flew out of Yuri’s mouth before he could stop it.

            Fucking Otabek had said they were alone and now this was Yuri’s worst nightmare. He was shaking so hard he could barely stand and he felt like he’d puke if he stayed a second longer, so he pushed Otabek out of his way and went running out, shoving Yakov aside to get through and running in his skate guards away towards the lobby.

“Fuck.” He croaked, wiping his eyes as he turned the corner and leaned against the wall by the vending machines to keep him out of site as he crumpled to the floor and fumbled to unlace his skates. He couldn’t skate here anymore. He’d move, find a new coach, start over in a place where people didn’t know who he was. There was no fucking way to deny what they had just caught him doing.

Yuri pressed his teeth together to keep himself from making noise as the tears trickled down his face and he yanked his skates off with shaky hands. He was so fucking stupid. It was bad enough that Mila knew now he’d been caught in the fucking act. Shit and he’d left all his stuff in the fucking locker room. His apartment key was in his duffel bag. He wiped his eyes and pushed himself up, leaving his skates by the vending machine as he walked carefully back towards the locker rooms in the hopes they’d moved.

He crept up to the corner and stopped when he heard the voices.

            “Guys, you can’t make fun of him for this. I’m not kidding, he’s terrified.” Otabek said, his voice muffled by the distance as Yuri listened in. “Please just try to get him to accept himself. I don’t know how to fucking do it and this had to have just destroyed him. I-It’s my fault, but just please try.”

            “Why does he have such an issue with it?” Victor asked, his voice hushed like he might know Yuri was in ear shot. “I mean everyone kind of thought he was already until that weird Mila thing.”

            “That’s part of why he has an issue with it. He wants to be seen as strong and he wants to be known for his skating, but everyone just talks about how he looks like a girl and he has that stupid fairy name in the media. Plus, his Grandpa seems to just hate gay people and he’s been around you a long time. He’s seen you guys get discriminated against and it scares him, so he’s just this huge mess of self hate and insecurity over being with me.”

            Yuri felt his face turn red. He didn’t know if he liked Otabek telling them all of this or not.

            “How long has he been dealing with all this?” Yuuri asked in that concerned voice that always drove Yuri nuts when it came out of Victor, but from Yuuri Katsuki it was kind of sweet. He didn’t like it, but it didn’t feel condescending when it was him.

            “He’s spent like his whole life in denial. He literally just figured out he likes guys at all a little while ago because he’s been so insistent for so long that he’s straight. He’s pretty okay when he’s just with me, but yesterday I tried to hold his hand in public and he had a full on panic attack. Like he couldn’t breathe and he was crying because he feels like everyone’s watching and judging him all the time.”

            “Shit I guess we haven’t helped with that.” Victor sighed.

            Yuri couldn’t hear anything from Yakov and breathed a sigh of relief that at least his coach wasn’t a part of this whole conversation.

            “He knows everyone would support him though right?”

            “I guess, but then there’s the media and his Grandpa.”

            “Well we could all keep it here amongst ourselves. I mean geeze he’s gotta have somewhere to just be himself or he’ll lose his mind.”

            Yuri’s mouth wobbled a little. Maybe he was overreacting a little bit.

            “Yeah, just please try to talk to him and be as supportive as you can. Don’t belittle him or anything, just try to convince him that he’s not broken like he thinks he is. I’m gonna try and find him.”

            Yuri retreated a few steps and took a deep breath as the footsteps approached, waiting in his socks until Otabek rounded the corner.

            “Yuri, hey.” Otabek frowned when he saw him, rushing over and putting his hands on Yuri’s shoulders. “That was all my fault. I-I didn’t know they’d be here early, but please, please don’t freak out okay?” He tucked a lock of Yuri’s hair behind his ear and turned his head, so he could look him in the eye. “I know that was embarrassing, but if you could just be out here at the rink with the team and everything I really think that would help you get past some of this anxiety you’re having and, fuck, Yuri I want you to love yourself so fucking bad. Everyone here wants you to.”

            “They’re not gonna call me a girl?” Yuri sniffled.

            “No, Baby.”

            “N-No one outside the rink has to know?”

            “Not until you’re ready.” Otabek said, his eyebrows pressed together in concern as he reached up to wipe the tears from Yuri’s cheeks. “Are you okay?”

            “This sucks.” Yuri swallowed as he wrapped his arms around Otabek and hid his face in his neck. “I just want to be normal, Beka. All this fucking drama stresses me out so much.”

            “Baby, if you stop hiding, you won’t have to deal with the drama anymore. Everyone wants to support you, let us do it, okay? Let the people who love you take care of you.”

            “My Grandpa’s not going to love me when he finds out about this.”

            “Then he doesn’t have to find out yet.” Otabek said as he hugged him back tight and kissed the top of his head. “Yuri, I love you. If anyone else stops, I’ll be here with all the love I can give you, okay? We’ll get through all of this together.”

            Yuri pulled back and swallowed the lump in his throat, his heart pounding against his chest. “You love me?”

            “Of course I do. I uprooted my whole life just be near by you.” Otabek dropped his hands to Yuri’s waist and pressed a kiss to Yuri’s forehead. “I’m sorry I got us caught.”

            “It’s okay, um… I’m not mad and uh…” Yuri looked down at the floor and shrugged his shoulders. “I-I think I love you too and stuff.”

            “Yeah?” Otabek beamed, tilting Yuri’s head up and leaning their foreheads together. “Look at you already taking those big steps, yeah?”

            “Yeah.” Yuri blushed. “Are Victor and Yuuri still there?”

            “They’re waiting for us, yeah. Can you come talk to them?”

            “I guess.” He sighed, wiping his eyes one more time. “My skates are by the vending machine.”

            Otabek raised his eyebrows.

            “Leave me alone, I was having a moment.” Yuri smiled, pushing Otabek back and walking to go and get them. Shit, now that he was calming down, it felt a little like a weight had been lifted. He may have been exposed, but he didn’t have to hide at the rink anymore. He grabbed his skates from behind the vending machine and slung them over his shoulder before heading back to Otabek. “Can you come with me?”

            “Yeah of course.” Otabek said, cocking his head back towards the corner. “Come on.”

            Yuri swallowed hard and let Otabek lead him back towards the locker room. Yuuri and Victor were standing together outside, that look of concern painted on both their faces as he walked up to them. “Um…” He shrugged when he approached them, already feeling his face turn red.

            “Come here.” Victor said, taking his arm from around Yuuri’s shoulders and running forward to hug him. “I know you hate when I do this, but I’m serious that you need to know it’s okay to love who you want.” He pulled back, but kept his hands on Yuri’s shoulders. It was the first time in what felt like years since Yuri had seen Victor look so serious. “You see me now as someone who’s out and proud, but it wasn’t always like this. Everyone like us goes through what you’re going through. It’s scary and it sucks, but you have Otabek and you have friends and teammates who _love_ you, Yuri. Be yourself here. You’ll want to kill yourself if you don’t.”

            Yuri looked at him with wide eyes as Victor took his hands away. “You weren’t always out?”

            “Nope.” Victor shook his head. “Neither was Yuuri. Neither was Otabek.”

            “How did you tell people?”

            “Yuuri told his family one by one. I told my parents over dinner and they threw me out when I was seventeen, so I lived with Yakov just like you did for a while until I made enough money skating to move out.”

            His face paled. “Your parents kicked you out?”

            “Yup.” Victor nodded. “But you know what, Yuri? You don’t need people like that. Even if it’s your parents, or your Grandpa, or whoever. You only need the people that are going to love and support you no matter what and even though this process sucks, you’ll be really happy when you embrace who you are and forget everyone else.” He reached his hand back and took Yuuri’s, finally smiling again when he gave it a squeeze. “It’s worth everything.”

            “So what, I should just tell the whole world?” Yuri grimaced. “I can’t do what you guys do.”

            “Maybe not now, but make the rink and the team your safe space, Yura. You can even laugh about it. You want a coming out party?”

            “A _what?_ ”

            “They’re fun.” Yuuri laughed, leaning his head on Victor’s shoulder. “It might help you feel better about the whole thing, you know? We can all laugh a little about the situation, you could feel more at home here. It’s just a party and we’ll do like a rainbow cake and balloons and stuff. Otabek can DJ and we can all skate for a little while.”       

            “That sounds humiliating.”

            “It’s just silly and fun. I know that’s not really your thing, but wouldn’t you feel better if you just got it out of your system?”

            Yuri rolled his eyes. “You guys are just gonna do it anyways if I say no.”

            “Fair enough.” Victor shrugged. “Also Yakov just mumbled about all his skaters being horn dogs and went to his office, so don’t worry about him.”

            “Okay… Could you guys tell everyone else on the team? Don’t uh… Don’t tell them how you found out, but I don’t want to go around to everyone over this.”

            “Of course.” Victor nodded. “You still want to practice today?”

            “Yeah, but maybe for not as long.” Yuri said, glancing towards the ice. “Is everyone gonna roast me if I work with Otabek.”

            “No, we’ll leave you alone.” Victor laughed before pressing a kiss to Yuuri’s forehead. “I’m gonna run and change. See you guys out there okay?”

            “Wait, uhh…” Yuri blushed and looked down at his feet. “Could I talk to Yuuri a second? You guys can go ahead.”

            “Me?” Yuuri blinked.

            “Yeah, shut up.” He sighed, nudging Otabek in the side so he’d go ahead and get on the ice.

            “Alright.” Otabek shrugged, planting a kiss on Yuri’s head before he popped his skate guards off and walked off to start practicing.

            Victor gave him a little sideways glance, but pulled away anyways and headed for the locker room.

            “Uh… What do you want from me?” Yuuri asked, pushing his glasses up his nose.

            “Can I ask you some stuff? You can’t laugh.” Yuri said as he looked down at his skates, his face still red.

            “Yeah sure, anything.”

            “Not that I ever want to picture this, but um… Victor tops you right?”

            “Huh?!” Yuuri’s face turned just as red. “I-I mean uh, yes? Yeah, but why do you-“

            “Does it hurt?” Yuri swallowed, still refusing to look at him. “When you guys have sex, does it hurt you?”

            “ _Oh_.” Yuuri breathed. “Okay, now I get it. Geeze, um… I’m not good at talking about this stuff, but if you’re nervous about having sex with Otabek, I wouldn’t be. The first time always hurts a little bit, but Otabek’s a really patient guy. He’d probably be really gentle and everything.”

            “But it doesn’t hurt every time?”

            “Nope. Especially after you’ve gotten used to it. Just uh…” Yuuri glanced away and ran a hand through his hair. “You know to use lube and stuff right? Use a lot of it and make him wear a condom. Not that he wouldn’t wear one, just make sure. Tell him to get tested too.”

            “What, like for diseases?” Yuri frowned. “He’d tell me.”

            “Of course he would, but he might not know, you know? Just ask him about it.”

            “Okay.” Yuri grimaced. “Does it actually feel good when someone does that to you? It looks um… It looks kind of weird.”

            “Well all sex looks kind of weird.” Yuuri shrugged. “With the right person, it feels amazing. Just make sure you wait until you’re ready. If you trust him completely, you’ll feel great. Not just physically, but like, emotionally. It’s a really powerful thing.”

            “Okay.” Yuri cleared his throat. “I’m gonna go practice, but um… Thanks. Don’t tell anyone I asked you that stuff.”

            “Will do.” Yuuri nodded, stepping aside so Yuri could walk to the ice. “Be safe.”

            “Stop trying to be my dad.” Yuri laughed and he actually felt kind of happy again. Things were kind of looking up.


	7. Chapter Seven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Time to get spicy gang!!!!! You know what that means!!

Practice was liberating. He didn’t cringe when Otabek got a little touchy and he even leaned against him on their water break, resting his head right against Otabek’s shoulder even though everyone could see them. By the end of the day he worked up the courage to kiss him after watching him land the best quad sal combination he’d ever seen him do.

            “Do you want me to take you home?” Otabek asked as they slid their regular shoes back on, Yuri wincing at the new blisters that had formed.

            “Uh… Actually, can I ask you some stuff while we’re sitting here?” Yuri glanced towards the ice to make sure Victor, Yuuri, and Yakov were still all out of earshot. “Have you ever been tested for like… you know, STD’s and stuff.” He mumbled, already blushing as he tried to focus on tying his shoes.

            “Yeah, I haven’t slept with anyone since the last time I was tested and it came up clean. I can go get tested again if you’re anxious though.” Otabek said, reaching over to squeeze his knee. “Do you want me to?”

            “No, I believe you.” Yuri bit his lip. “Are you busy tonight?”

            “No.” Otabek laughed. “All I have going on is you and skating. You want to come over again?”

            “I want to have sex.”

            Otabek’s eyes went wide. “Really?”

            “Yeah.” Yuri nodded. “When um… When you said you loved me, I really felt something and I want to try having real sex with you. Just stop if I say so, okay?”

            “Of course, Baby. Say the word any time.” Otabek stood up and held his hand out for Yuri to take, pulling him up off the bench and giving him a soft kiss on the lips while no one was looking. “I’ll make you feel amazing. Do you want to wait or do you want to just go do it right now?”

            “I guess right now.” Yuri laughed. Otabek seemed excited enough to burst and his heart fluttered seeing him with his eyes all sparkly and his face all flushed just over the thought of having sex with him. “Let’s go.”

            “I’m gonna speed.”

            “That’s fair.”

Otabek grabbed his duffel bag and slung it over his shoulder before grabbing Yuri by the wrist and leading him towards the doors.

            Yuri laughed as he followed him and they ran out to the parking lot together, jumping onto the bike and speeding off as soon as they were ready. Yuri buried his face in Otabek’s shoulder and held on to him tight as soon as they were on the road. His heart was racing and he felt more excited than guilty. He was still embarrassed from the whole ordeal of being caught, but knowing that Otabek _loved_ him just gave him so much more confidence. No one had ever said those words to him before.

            Otabek raced them back and jumped off the bike as soon as they parked it in the garage, grabbing Yuri’s hand to lead him up the stairs. They took the steps two at a time until they got to Otabek’s apartment door, Yuri watching as he fumbled with the key.

            “Oh my God, fucking finally.” Otabek breathed when he shoved the door open, pulling Yuri inside and locking it behind him. “Give me a minute to clean my room up.”

            “Beka, you don’t have to-“

            “Babe trust me. You don’t want to lose your virginity with my dirty laundry everywhere.” Otabek tugged him into a quick kiss and held him there for a moment, swiping his tongue over Yuri’s lower lip before he pulled back. “Wait for me out here, okay? I want to set up something nice for you.”

            “Okay.” Yuri smiled, blushing a little as Otabek rushed off to his room.

            He was gone for a few minutes, so Yuri kicked off his shoes and hung his jacket up, waiting anxiously until Otabek came running back out.

            “You can come in.” Otabek said, dressed in just a pair of boxer shorts and a clean black t-shirt.

            Yuri walked up to meet him in the doorway and laughed. He’d expected a clean floor, but shit. Otabek had dimmed the lights and lit candles and everything. “Were you expecting this?”

            “No, but I was uh… Prepared?”

            “I can’t believe you have candles.”

            “I like candles.” Otabek smiled, pulling Yuri into the room and shutting the door behind them. “Don’t be nervous, just tell me if you want to stop and we’ll go watch a movie or something instead.”

            “Okay um… A-Are you gonna tell me what to do?”

            “I’ll guide you.” Otabek nodded, locking the door and turning to put his hands on Yuri’s waist. He pulled him in close and nuzzled his nose against Yuri’s before kissing him. It was gentle and slow, trying to warm Yuri up and relax him like always. “Don’t be freaked out if you have trouble cumming, or if you feel ready to cum too soon. It can be overwhelming, or it can feel kind of weird the first time.” Otabek told him in a low voice, turning his head to press a few kisses to his neck. “Make sure you talk to me about how everything feels. I don’t want to hurt you.”

            “Okay.” Yuri breathed, his heart thumping when Otabek’s hand drifted down and cupped him through his leggings. “I think I want to just go ahead and take everything off.”

            Otabek nodded and pulled back to peel out of his shirt, reaching down to tug at the hem of Yuri’s once he was finished. He waited for him to lift his arms and tugged the t-shirt off for him, pulling him back in close for another kiss before hooking his fingers around the waist of his leggings.

            Yuri pushed them down for him and stepped out, shivering when Otabek pushed down his underwear, letting it fall to his ankles. “Can you do it too?”

            Otabek dropped his boxers and stepped out of them, taking Yuri’s wrist to lead him to he bed. “Ask me anything you need to, okay? Just lie down and get comfortable.”

            “Okay.” Yuri breathed, laying on the bed and stretching out, his face still warm as he tried to calm himself. He looked over as Otabek pulled a condom out of his bedside drawer and a small tube of lube, his eyes wandering over his body in the dark. Fuck, he felt like such a twig in comparison to him. Yuri had always focused on his chest, but now that he let himself really look over the curve of his ass and the strength in his thighs, his cock twitched. _That_ was his? How did someone like Otabek even want someone like Yuri?

            “We’ll warm you up before we really do anything.” Otabek said, placing what they needed on the bed before sliding in beside him. “Come here.” He whispered before kissing him and Yuri relished in the warmth of it. Otabek’s hand stroked down his side as his tongue entered Yuri’s mouth, sliding down to his thigh until he lifted it and took Yuri’s erection in his hand. He squeezed it for a moment then began to work his hand up and down, letting Yuri whine into his mouth. “Feel good?” He mumbled against his lips.

            “Yes, fuck.” Yuri groaned, spreading his legs a little. “Am I supposed to blow you before we start? I-I saw that in a video, but I don’t know how much of that is exaggerated and stuff.”

            “You can if you want to. It helps if I’m really hard before we start, but you don’t have to. I can get there without it.”

            “I-I can do it.”

            “Are you sure?” Otabek asked, his hand pausing on Yuri’s cock.

            Yuri nodded and waited for Otabek to lay back before sliding down the bed himself. He’d really liked this part the first time, so he didn’t mind. Plus, he wanted Otabek to feel good.

He licked his lips and laid between Otabek’s thighs, taking his erection in his hand before putting the tip in his mouth. He still had no clue how he would ever get the whole thing to fit in his mouth, but Otabek seemed to _really_ like the tip. He sucked hard and used his hand on what didn’t fit, relishing in the slightly salty taste of it as Otabek’s breathing became heavy. He felt dirty, but he liked it enough that it felt right to keep going.

            He pushed his mouth down a bit more and swallowed around him, his heart skipping when Otabek gasped out his name. He was definitely harder than when Yuri had started, but he worked his mouth over him for another minute before pulling off and licking a stripe from the underside of the base back to the tip. He knew how much he liked that himself when Otabek did it, so he figured Otabek must like it too.

            Otabek’s face was red and his hair already a little messy as he motioned for Yuri to come back up next to him. “You’re so fucking pretty in the dark. I never tell you that.” He ran his hand back through Yuri’s hair then rested it on his cheek, stroking it a moment before pressing a short kiss against his closed lips. “Can I start prepping you?”

            “Um, yeah.” Yuri nodded. “But I’m nervous about it hurting.”

            “We’ll go slow. Tell me if you want to stop though, okay? Don’t be embarrassed to say stop.” He pressed a kiss to Yuri’s jaw and reached over him to grab the condom. “It’s better to put these on beforehand before your hands get all slippery and stuff.”

            “Okay.” Yuri blushed as he watched Otabek roll the latex onto his length. Otabek looked really, really big and he was starting to seriously worry about it fitting inside him.

            “It’s cinnamon flavored, so you’ll smell good after.” Otabek laughed as he reached for the lube and started to spread it over his fingers. “It also helps to be distracted by other sensations and stuff, so I can kiss you the whole time and if you want me to do something else just say so.”

            “Uh…” Yuri bit his tongue. “I really like when you use your mouth on my chest and stuff.”

            “Yeah? I’ll do that then.” Otabek said as he rolled onto his side, pressing up close to Yuri before he slipped a hand between his legs. He nudged at his entrance with the tip of his index finger and raised his eyebrows for that final approval.

            “You can do it.”

            “Okay.” Otabek murmured, gently easing the slicked up finger inside and moving his mouth to Yuri’s chest. He dragged his tongue in a circle around his nipple then sucked it into his mouth.

            Yuri’s heart seized in panic. It didn’t feel that good. It felt weird and kind of painful.

            “Baby, it hurts more if you tense up like this.” Otabek cooed, keeping his hand still. “How do you feel?”

            “I-It feels kind of weird. Is it supposed to feel like this? W-What if I don’t like it?”

            “It’s totally normal for it not to feel good yet. Do you want me to take it out?”

            “I don’t know.” Yuri gulped. “When is it supposed to feel good?”

            “Take a deep breath. It’ll feel good when you relax and I can find your spot.” Otabek said, his eyes sparkling in the dark from the light of the candles. “Deep breaths, Yura.”

            Yuri wrapped his arms around Otabek’s shoulders and sighed, breathing deeply a few times until his muscles relaxed a little.

            “Don’t get freaked out. Not everyone likes it at all the first time. It takes a lot of getting used to.” Otabek pulled his finger out a little and curled his finger, feeling around until he pressed up against something that made Yuri whimper. Fuck, he hated how that always happened before he could stop it. “How’s that?”

            “That’s good.” Yuri breathed, his thighs tensing as Otabek stroked the spot. “C-Can you just touch me like that for a little while?”

            “Yeah Baby.” Otabek nodded, making the come hither motion inside him to make his toes curl right along with it.

            Yuri reached down to touch himself and took another deep breath as he started to find the pleasure in what they were doing. It still felt a little weird and uncomfortable, but it didn’t hurt much anymore and that spot was driving him crazy. “Otabek.” He gasped when he pressed it especially hard.

            “Do you want another one?”

            “Another what?”

            “Another finger.” Otabek smiled, pressing a kiss to the side of Yuri’s neck. “I don’t want to hurt you.”

            “Oh.” Yuri felt his face burn redder. “Y-Yeah, you can use another one.”

            Otabek pushed it in slowly, giving Yuri his time to adjust before he started to twist the fingers around, moving them in and out and pausing occasionally to press especially hard against Yuri’s prostate.

            “Fuck.” Yuri gasped, tightening his grip on himself. The stretch did hurt a teeny bit, but now it was far outweighed by the pleasure of his hand on his cock and Otabek’s fingers pressing inside him.

            “I’m gonna try to stretch you out as much as I can before we start, okay?” Otabek said, scissoring the two fingers inside him as he brought his mouth back to Yuri’s nipple and sucked, nibbling gently on the sensitive part and flicking his tongue over the nub.

            “Bekaaaa.” Yuri whined, pushing one hand up into Otabek’s hair. “It feels good, it feels really fucking good.”

            Otabek eased a third wet finger inside and Yuri shivered. “You already feel amazing.” He mumbled against Yuri’s skin before sucking another hickey onto the skin of his chest. “I love your body.”

            Yuri just sighed and opened his legs a little more, urging Otabek to press deeper. “Fuck.”

            “Yeah?”

            “I-I think I want you to fuck me now.” Yuri said, his voice hot and heavy as Otabek worked his fingers.

            “Are you sure?”

            “Yeah, it feels good. Really fucking good, Beka.” Yuri’s thighs trembled when Otabek pulled his fingers out.

            “Here.” Otabek reached up for a spare pillow. “Lift your hips?”

            “Huh?”

            “It’ll be more comfortable for you.”

            “Oh.” Yuri blushed and lifted himself up, so Otabek could put the pillow underneath him.

            “Comfy?” Otabek asked as he moved on top of him, his elbows on either side of Yuri’s torso and his cock standing between Yuri’s open thighs.

            Yuri wrapped his arms around Otabek’s shoulders and nodded, his heart threatening to beat out of his chest. Jesus Christ, he was doing this. There was no going back after letting Otabek have sex with him, but God, he fucking wanted it. His chest and his cock ached with how much he wanted Otabek to enter him already and when Otabek bent down to kiss him, he melted right into the familiar warmth.

            Yuri opened his mouth for him and curled his tongue around Otabek’s as he felt the tip of his cock press against his taught entrance.

            “Ready?” Otabek whispered against Yuri’s wet lips, nuzzling their noses together. “I’ll go slow.”

            “Yeah.” He breathed. “Do it.”

            Otabek pushed forward and Yuri winced at the stretch, squeezing his eyes shut. Fuck, that was a really huge difference from the fingers. It burned and the sensation from his prostate was hardly anything at all anymore.

            “Wait, stop.” Yuri croaked, pushing back on Otabek’s shoulders a little.

            “Do you want me to pull out?”

            “No, just give me a minute.” He huffed, biting his lip as he tried to get used to the feeling. It was too big for him and he could feel his muscles trying to reject it.

            “Baby, you have to relax. It hurts if you’re tense.” Otabek said, careful not to move his hips as he reached up to caress Yuri’s cheek. “Deep breaths, you’re doing so fucking good.”

            Yuri took a deep breath and blinked back the tears in his eyes. He felt so stupid for not being able to take the pain. He usually had tolerance through the roof, but this was different. He felt so vulnerable at the same time that powering through was hard.

            “I got you, just take your time to adjust.” Otabek cooed, pressing his lips to the side of Yuri’s neck. “You feel amazing.”

            Yuri shivered and breathed while his muscles adjusted to having Otabek inside him. “Okay, push all the way in. Just don’t move yet.”

            “Okay.” Otabek eased himself forward and Yuri honestly couldn’t believe how much control he had over himself as he pushed in the full length of his cock and stopped. His face was burning red which actually brought a smile to Yuri’s face despite the pain. He just looked so turned on and desperate. Yuri felt kind of better about how he looked compared to Otabek. “Are you hurting?”

            “Just a little. Give me a second.” Yuri said, propping himself up on his elbows so he could give Otabek a kiss, relishing in the hunger that Otabek kissed him back with. Despite the amount of control he was showing, Yuri knew he was feeling desperate. He rolled his hips to try and get used to the feeling and it definitely didn’t feel good like Otabek’s fingers had, but he hoped that it would be good again when Otabek started to really fuck him. “I think you can move now.”

            “Are you sure?”

            “Yeah.” Yuri nodded, pressing his forehead against Otabek’s. “Be gentle.”

            “I got you.” Otabek smiled and pulled himself halfway out before pushing back in, keeping his eyes on Yuri’s face to make sure he wasn’t in too much pain as he repeated the motion. “How’s that?”

            “I-It doesn’t hurt that much, but it doesn’t feel like your fingers did.”

            “It’s okay, you have to get completely relaxed and when I go faster, you’ll feel it.”

            “Okay, go faster.”

            Otabek raised his eyebrows, but Yuri nodded again and Otabek picked up the pace, sighing in relief when he started to pump back and forth.

            Yuri shut his eyes and tried to feel everything past the mild burning sensation between his legs, sliding one hand down Otabek’s back to feel how smooth the skin was until he worked up the courage to grab his ass.

Otabek groaned when he did that, moving his mouth back to Yuri’s neck and sucking. He swirled his tongue around a new hickey and slid his hand between them to wrap around Yuri’s cock, stroking it in time with his thrusts.

“Ohh.” Yuri whimpered, feeling the pleasure sensations come back to him. Otabek’s cock was rubbing up against that spot inside him and he could feel those tingles again along with Otabek’s hand stroking him with a tight grip. “Beka, that’s really good.”

“Yeah? I-I’m not gonna last long, you’re really tight and fuck, Yura I’ve waited so long for this.”

            “Fuck Beka, oh my God.” Yuri whined as the pleasure built up. This was the best he’d ever felt, but the sensation was new and unfamiliar enough to keep him from cumming too quick. It was perfect.

            “Do you want to try riding me? It might help you find your angle.”

            “I-I don’t want to mess up.”

            “You won’t.” Otabek murmured and the pet name sent the blood rushing to Yuri’s cheeks again. He put a hand on Yuri’s hip and rolled over with him, lying down on his back with Yuri sitting over him and straddling his hips. “Just move up and down. Do what feels good.”

            Yuri bit his lip and eased himself up just a little then back down, blushing as he rolled his hips and started to repeat the motion. It felt good, but that spot wasn’t being stimulated as much as before. He leaned forward and braced himself with one hand on the headboard to lift himself higher, pushing Otabek deeper when he moved back down and _fuck_ , there it was. That was his fucking angle.

            “Beka.” He whimpered as he started to find a rhythm in it. “Beka, that’s so fucking good, holy fuck. Touch me.”

            Otabek obeyed and wrapped one hand around his erection to stroke him in time before bringing one hand up to run up and down Yuri’s side. It was such a small touch, but it made Yuri feel so much closer to him and suddenly his thighs were getting tense.

            “Yura.” Otabek gasped under him. “Yura, I’m gonna cum.”

            “Me too, just fuck, give me a little bit more. I-I’m close.” Yuri’s head tipped back as a moan fell out of his mouth and his orgasm swelled in the pit of his stomach. “Right there, Beka… R-Right there, right there, hh!” He clamped a hand over his mouth when he gasped and came over Otabek’s chest. The moment he did, he felt Otabek fill the condom inside him and they trembled together, letting the orgasms overwhelm them and pass. “Holy shit, we just did that.”

            “Oh my God.” Otabek laughed. “Yuri, wow. I literally can’t believe that was your first time.”

            “Was I okay?”

            “You’re amazing.”

            Yuri climbed off of him and laid down next to him, snuggling into his side and tucking himself under his arm. “Why does it feel like you just shoved a chainsaw up my ass?”

            “You’ll be sore for a little while. Sorry.” Otabek laughed as he wrapped his arms around him. “I’m so fucking happy that you’re coming out a little. I get worried sick about you.”

            “Well it wasn’t really by choice.” Yuri grimaced. “But I guess I’m glad too. I mean, I did just give you my virginity. I don’t want you to think I’m not proud to be with you.”

            “That means so much to me.” Otabek smiled, squeezing him tight. “You want to go jump in the shower?”

            “In a minute. I’m cozy and I don’t think I can walk.”

            “I can’t believe you thought you were straight.”

            “I know.” Yuri laughed a little. “Thanks for um… For being patient with me and stuff.”

            “Aw.” Otabek rolled over a little and pressed one more kiss to Yuri’s lips. “I’d wait forever for you, Yuri.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for being so slow, hope this makes up for it lol


	8. Chapter Eight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Our boy can't catch a break :(

He was only in a little bit of pain when they showered, but by the time they’d dried off and moved to the couch to watch a movie and order pizza, he was pretty sure he couldn’t move.

            “Beka you literally cut me in half oh my God.” Yuri groaned, laying stomach down on the couch with Otabek on the floor in front of him. “I’m gonna die tomorrow.”

            “We’ll pump you full of Tylenol.” Otabek said as he leaned his head back on the couch cushion to look at him. “Did you really like it?”

            “Until I lost all mobility in my lower half.”

            “So yes?”

            “Yeah.” Yuri smiled. “Am I sleeping over too much? I can go home if you want.”

            “No way, I like sleeping with you.”

            “Can I borrow some stuff to sleep in? I think I still have some clothes for tomorrow around here somewhere.”

            “Sure.” He shrugged.

            They spent a while longer out on the couch until it got late and they retreated to Otabek’s bedroom. Yuri swiped one of his t-shirts to wear to bed and carefully crawled under the covers, lying on his stomach with his head on Otabek’s chest just as the sound of rain started to swell outside. It had been a while since it was warm enough to rain.

            “How’s the pain?”

            “I’m deceased.”

            “Sorry.” Otabek laughed as he stroked a hand down Yuri’s back. “It takes a few days.”

            “Yakov’s gonna be really weirded out when I skate like shit.”

            “Tomorrow’s a party day, don’t worry.” Otabek yawned, holding Yuri close as the rain poured outside.

            Yuri nuzzled his cheek against Otabek’s chest and relished in the warmth, already close to drifting off when thunder cracked outside and he felt Otabek tense. “You good?”

            “Yeah I’m fine.” Otabek said, but when lightning lit up the room, Yuri saw him flinch a bit.

            “Do you have a thing with storms or something?” Yuri frowned, lifting his head to look at him in the dark.

            “It’s nothing, I just don’t like thunder.” Otabek sighed. “It’s dumb, don’t worry about it.”

            Thunder made the windows creak and Yuri saw him cringe again, his heart sinking. Otabek was always comforting him and shit, why couldn’t he do it too? “Hey.” Yuri said, sliding up a little and pressing a kiss to the corner of Otabek’s mouth. “It’s just a little noise, you can hold on to me.”

            “You’re so fucking sweet.”

            “I never thought you really got scared of anything.”

            “Are you kidding?” Otabek snickered, hugging Yuri a little tighter and smacking a kiss to the top of his head. “I’m kind of a pussy, Babe. I mean I like horror movies, but only when I’m watching you really. I hate storms. I just always feel like the roof is gonna cave in or something and I’m used to snow, but rain and thunder makes me nervous.”

            Yuri’s heart swelled. He always thought of Otabek as this muscular guy with the motorcycle and the DJ hobby, but seeing him scared of something so small was kind of adorable. He loved it. “I um…” He bit his lip and nuzzled his cheek against Otabek’s chest. “I like that about you.”

            “Really?”

            “Yeah. It’s um… It’s cute.”

            “You’re so fucking sweet.” Otabek said, nuzzling his nose against Yuri’s hair. “You know I love that you’re so tough out in the world and then you’re so nice to me and so cute when we’re alone. I know today was kind of emotional and sucked a little bit, but I’m glad that you can be yourself at the rink now. It’ll help.”

            “I feel okay about it. I think this party thing is weird.”

            “You’ll have fun.” Otabek yawned, pulling the blankets up a little higher and keeping his tight hold on Yuri. “The storm probably won’t last, right?”

            “They never do here, don’t worry.”

            “Okay.” He breathed a short sigh of relief. “I’ll let you go to sleep now.”

            “I don’t mind.”

            “I know.” Otabek loosened his arms a little bit to make sure Yuri was comfortable and planted one final kiss on his forehead. “Get some rest, Baby.”

**

            “Otabek this is too gay. Even for Victor and Yuuri.”

            “No such thing.” Otabek said as he peeled the plastic off from the temporary tattoo, leaving a pride flag on Yuri’s bicep. “Just take this one day to be super out and proud and cheesy and have some fun, okay? You’ll be able to laugh about it.”

            “I thought the tank top was enough.”

            “It’s close. Just make sure you wear a jacket on the way there.” Otabek leaned in and gave him a kiss, a real one with tongue and his hands on Yuri’s hips as he took the breath right out of his lungs. “I’m insanely proud of you today.”

            Yuri felt his face warm and he couldn’t help smiling back at Otabek. He was wearing neon red fucking skinny jeans and everything was just so over the top. “This is really weird.”

            “But you like it?”

            “A little bit.” Yuri shrugged. “My heart is beating in my ass.”

            “Sorry.” Otabek laughed, nuzzling his nose against Yuri’s and kissing the corner of his mouth. “This is gonna be so much fun.”

            “Am I always gonna hurt this bad after sex?”

            “No, you’ll get used to it. We’ll never do it like that before competition though.” Otabek kissed his forehead and gave Yuri’s hips a squeeze. “You can borrow a jacket from me.”

            “Okay.” Yuri took a deep breath. “Let’s get our shoes and stuff and go.”

            “I’ll get your bag.”

            Yuri let him go and took a good look at himself in the bathroom mirror. Christ, it was over the top. His hair was up and Otabek had done his eyeliner, which he usually saved exclusively for exhibition skates. He felt a little embarrassed, but Otabek seemed so happy that he really didn’t mind. This was for him. He went to Otabek’s room to tug his shoes back on then met him in the living room. “Ready?”

            “Yeah here.” Otabek said, handing him a jacket from the coat hook. “The Uber’s a minute away.”

            “Okay.” Yuri blushed a little as he slipped into Otabek’s jacket and followed him out the door. He wondered if everything would be as over the top as everyone was making it sound.

            They went downstairs and hopped into the backseat of the Uber, Yuri resisting the urge to sit too close to Otabek as they rode the short trip towards the rink.

            As soon as they made it there, Otabek took all their stuff, paid the driver and hopped out, beaming as he lead Yuri to the doors. “You have no idea how excited I am.” He said as they walked in, music already pumping behind the closed doors to the ice area.

            “You guys are crazy.” Yuri sighed, shrugging the jacket off as they walked through the doors to the rink and he rolled his eyes. This was too gay. Even for Victor.

            The ice was covered in balloons and club music was blasting, Mila and Georgi already out on the ice goofing off while Victor and Yuri had set up a table to greet Yuri. There was a cake that had obviously been decorated by Yuuri with how good the rainbow design looked, but Yuri could see the messy parts where Victor had tried to help. The two of them were dressed in matching spandex leggings and “I’m His,” tank tops which made Yuri just a tiny bit nauseous, but nothing trumped the banner. Over the ice was a long canvas that read “Happy Birth-gay, Yurio!”

            “You guys didn’t even try on that pun. It’s not even a pun.” Yuri sighed as Otabek wrapped an arm around his shoulders. “Is this my life now?”

            “Yup.” Victor nodded. “Afraid so.”

            “Welcome to the community.” Otabek laughed, planting a kiss on the top of Yuri’s head. “Get your skates on, let’s have fun.”

            Yuri plopped down on a bench and took the duffel bag from Otabek, so he could tug his skates on. Otabek sat down next to him to do the same and Yuri laughed a little when Otabek’s favorite song came on. He felt embarrassed, but seeing Otabek so happy made him put it aside. “When the fuck did you have time to even make the playlist for this?”

            “After you fell asleep.”

            “Really?”

            “I wanted you to like it.” Otabek smiled, tying his skates on tight and leaning over to kiss his cheek. “I’m happy we can be ourselves here now. I mean, I always hated when we’d practice together and I couldn’t do anything that might seem gay you know? I know we weren’t together, but when I watch you skate, I just get all, I don’t know. You’re really beautiful when you skate, even when you’re just messing around.” He leaned in enough to give him a proper kiss and Yuri’s heart fluttered when their lips touched, knowing that other people could see them as they did it.

            “I still think this is kind of a lot.” Yuri said, but he knew the blush in his cheeks would be enough to tell Otabek he was happy they were doing it deep down. “Wanna skate?”

            “You gonna help me if I fall?”

            Yuri rolled his eyes and stood up, holding out his hand for Otabek to take. “You say that like I’m capable of lifting you.”

            Otabek threaded their fingers together and stepped out onto the ice with him, still smiling that big cheesy smile that was starting to get Yuri to smile back a little. The whole thing was just so ridiculous, it was hard not to.

            “Can I lift you?”

            “What?” Yuri laughed.

            “Let me lift you up. I know how.” Otabek skidded to a stop and held his other hand out. “Just keep your arms straight, hold both my hands.”

            “Otabek, you got a rainbow tattoo on my arm and you got me to come to a coming out party, do you have to lift me up like a princess?” Yuri tried to laugh a little when he said it, so it wouldn’t come off mean, but he really was too embarrassed to do that.”

            “Oh.” Otabek blinked. “Sorry, I just thought it’d be fun.” He kissed Yuri’s forehead and skated forward with him again. “Are you still worried about people thinking you’re too feminine?”

            “I mean, obviously not as much if I’m doing this, but today’s kind of an exception. I still don’t want people to look at me like this.”

            “You do know it’s okay though right? Like none of this makes you less of a guy.”

            “I know that, I just don’t really feel it.” Yuri shrugged “I’m having fun today though. I mean, since this is just the team and all of you guys are kind of like this anyways, I feel okay here.”

            “Well that’s a step. Can I spin you at least.”

            “Fine.” Yuri smiled, lifting his hand and letting Otabek spin him in place until he let go and bent back into a haircutter. He’d finally gotten flexible enough to do a perfect one and Otabek was looking at him like he’d just won the Olympics when he stopped. “What?”

            “You’re just beautiful.” Otabek said as he skated a step forward, putting a hand on Yuri’s hip to keep him still when he leaned in and kissed him.

            “Woo! Get it Yurio!” Mila cheered when she passed them and Yuri laughed into the kiss, pulling away to just hug Otabek.

            “You’re such a nerd.” He sighed against his shoulder. “Can we go get some water?”

            “Sure, just don’t run into Victor. I’m pretty sure he’s trying to teach Yuuri to ice dance.” Otabek said, giving the older couple a side glance as he took Yuri’s hand and crossed the ice with him.

            Yuri’s heart felt pretty light compared to the last week as they stepped off the ice, his cheeks still pink from the kiss as he turned to go find his water bottle. “I think-“

            “Yuratchka?”

            His blood ran cold as he whipped around to see his Grandpa walking through the double doors to the ice rink. “Grandpa? W-What are you doing here? Did someone-“

            “I was in town and thought I would visit my hardworking grandson at practice.” He glared. “What is this?”

            “I-It’s nothing, it’s just a joke.” Yuri said, ripping his hand from Otabek’s grip as his eyes welled up.

            “You know how many times you assured me you weren’t like one of them?” Nikolai hissed, walking straight up to him as the music shut off and Victor and Yuuri came rushing off the ice behind him. “All the years I paid for you to skate and you were fluttering around like one of these other fairies?”

            “No, Grandpa, no. I-I was just-“

            “This is what I get for letting you live on your own, yeah? I never should have let you out of my sight.”

            “I-I’ll come back home, we can talk about this, I…” Yuri’s breath hitched. “I-I’m sorry.”

            “You have no home with me if this is how you live, Yura. I won’t be humiliated.” Nikolai waved his hand and turned around, Yuri’s mouth quivering as he watched him go. Everyone stood watching in silence, too hesitant to interfere, Yuri’s mouth too dry from shock for him to call out after him.

            “Grandpa?” Yuri croaked as he walked through the doors back to the lobby.

            “Baby-“ Otabek started, reaching out to put a hand on his shoulder, but Yuri flinched away.

            “Don’t touch me.” He cried, pushing him away and stumbling back. “Fuck you guys. You fucking force me to come out, you act like you’re trying to make everything better, but this shit just ruined everything. H-He’s the only family I have.” Yuri glared, balling his hands into fists as he stared Victor and Yuuri down. “I was dealing with this on my own, why does everyone here always have to fucking rush me?”

            “Yuri…” Victor blinked. “Yuri, we were just trying to help you. You were so sad all the time and insecure and-“

            “It’s none of your fucking business what I was!” Yuri snapped. “It’s not anyone’s business! I was _fine_ on my own and then you had to fucking make me deal with this.” He said, whipping around to face Otabek. “Being together by ourselves just wasn’t enough for you? I have to tell the whole fucking world that I’m dating Otabek fucking Altin, or I’m just a monster, right?”

            “What?” Otabek’s face fell. “Yuri, I never… I-I never said that. I never made you do anything.”

            “And you guys can’t just mind your own business for five minutes can you?” Yuri bit at Victor and Yuuri. “It was bad enough you saw what you saw, but you couldn’t just leave me alone about it? You couldn’t just pretend that you fucking didn’t see anything and let me live my life?

            Yuuri pushed his glasses up and stepped closer to Victor, eyes cast down at the floor. “We just wanted to help.”

            “Everyone just wants to fucking help, don’t they? Well look what it got me.” Yuri yanked off his skates one by one and grabbed his bag from the ice-side bench. “I’m going home.”

            “Yuri?“ Otabek said, but Yuri just gritted his teeth and ignored him. “Yuri, I’m sorry, please don’t-“

            “Stop.” Yuri hissed, slinging the bag over his shoulder and heading out in his socks. He was going the fuck home and he wasn’t going to feel bad about walking out. He was doing fine with this whole thing just keeping it between him and Otabek, but everyone had to make everything their business and Otabek had to make him feel so fucking guilty for not wanting to tell people about their relationship.

            He stopped outside to get his shoes on then just started to walk home, blinking his eyes hard as he dug his phone out of his pocket and tried to call his Grandfather. He could fucking fix this if he could just talk to him.

            Yuri heard the first tone of the voicemail and swore, hanging up and putting his phone back in his pocket. His stupid fucking Grandfather and his stupid fucking pride. Yuri’s earnings from skating were part of what was paying the rent on his Grandpa’s apartment in Moscow. If he stopped taking that, bigot or not, he was Yuri’s only family and he’d be out in the cold.

            He was barely three blocks down from the rink when his phone started to vibrate with a call from Otabek. His heart sank a little at his contact photo, but he sent him to voicemail anyways. This was just one more awful thing that wouldn’t have happened if he hadn’t fallen for this guy.

            Yuri chewed on his lip and blinked his eyes until he made it all the way home, managing to get in the door and lock it before he walked to his bedroom and collapsed on the bed, letting himself sob into the pillow now that he was finally alone. This was the worst fucking thing that had ever happened to him and he was caught between hating himself for being this way, hating his Grandpa for abandoning him for it, and hating Victor, Yuuri, and Otabek for making this stupid self revelation happened. He probably could have gone his whole life not figuring it out. He hadn’t even noticed before that he didn’t pay attention to girls.

            He cried into the pillow until he couldn’t anymore, his eyes burning and his mouth dry. He never wanted to leave this fucking room. This whole thing had been a huge mistake and the person who’d raised him _hated_ him now. Yuri couldn’t get the image of his Grandpa’s face out of his head. He looked so embarrassed and disappointed.

            Yuri dragged himself out of bed once he ran out of tears and grabbed the wine from the pantry, taking it to the couch and flicking on the TV when he curled up there. He felt so fucking lonely now that he’d gotten accustomed to being with Otabek all the time.

            When his phone started to buzz on the coffee table, he lunged for it in case his Grandpa had decided to talk to him, but it was only Victor. Christ, he didn’t know what Victor could possibly say to him to make this better.

            “What?” Yuri sighed when he answered, rubbing his eyes as he laid back on the sofa with the phone.

            “Hey are you okay?”

            “I’m fine, what do you want?”

            “Are you breaking up with Otabek? He’s not listening right now, just… Are you?”

            “I don’t know.” Yuri grimaced.

            “Yuri, please talk to him.”

            “Why?”

            “Why? Yuri, he’s a fucking wreck. Me and Yuuri brought him home with us and he looks like his heart got ripped in half. He thinks you’re breaking up with him, or that you hate him, or that you might switch rinks. You have to talk to him.”

            “I’m not talking to him right now.” Yuri said, but his heart ached when he did.

            “He didn’t do anything to you, Yuri. I mean he knows that you’re hurting, but at least tell him something. He’s like inconsolable, none of us have seen him like this before. It’s not just the dating thing, you’re his best friend.”

            Fuck, was Otabek really that upset over him? “I need to be alone for a while, I just lost the only family I have.”

            “Can you at least just text him?”

            “Look, I’m… I-I’m not gonna disappear, can you just tell him to give me a day? I’ll talk to him tomorrow.”

            “Okay.” Victor sighed. “Are you alright?”

            “I just don’t know how to feel right now. Tell Otabek, I’ll call soon.”

            “Be nice to him.”

            “I’m not gonna be fucking mean to him, Victor.” Yuri huffed. “Bye.” He hung up the phone and tossed it to the other end of the couch, glaring as he stared at the TV. He didn’t know exactly what he was watching, but it had practically transitioned to porn while he’d been on the phone. He knew it was a zombie movie, so it seemed like some “one last fuck” nonsense, but the guy looked just like Otabek. Not entirely, but he had the undercut and the muscles, the treasure trail that always gave Yuri tingles when he traced it.

            He bit his lip and felt the familiar pang of guilt as he slid his hand down to squeeze himself through his jeans. He wanted to feel good. He wanted Otabek to be there touching him and _making_ him feel good, but he couldn’t stop feeling pissed at him. He knew in his heart Otabek had done absolutely nothing wrong, but the thought that if Otabek and Victor and Yuuri hadn’t pushed him, then he never would have lost his Grandpa.

            Yuri shut his eyes and reached his hand into his pants, stroking his hand over his cock, trying to mimic the ways Otabek would touch him. It didn’t feel anywhere near the same. He pulled his erection out and looked at the guy on TV, running his hand over himself, but it wasn’t doing much for him. It wasn’t Otabek.

            He felt himself soften in his hand sighed, tucking himself away again and wiping his hand on his jeans. He couldn’t even jack off with all this shit on his mind. Maybe he shouldn’t leave Otabek hanging like this.

            Yuri grimaced and pushed himself up, reaching for his phone. He couldn’t keep hurting Otabek because of his own shit. He tapped his contact and laid back on the couch, his chest heavy as he listened to it ring.

            “Yura?” Otabek answered almost right away.

            “Hey Beka.” He sighed. “Sorry for ghosting, I’m um… I-I’m just really upset, but I don’t want you to feel bad.”

            “Are you mad at me?” His voice was wobbly like it was taking all of his effort not to cry.

            “I don’t know. I mean, I am, but I know that’s dumb. I know you didn’t do anything, but I hate this whole situation.”

            “I’m so sorry.”

            “Don’t be.” Yuri sighed. “Do you want to just come over? I um… I-I’m feeling all kinds of weird shit, but I miss you. I feel shitty that I made you cry.”

            “You’re sure you want me there?”

            Yuri swallowed and nodded his head as if Otabek could see him. “I’m sure. Bring stuff to sleep over.”

            “Shit, okay I’ll be right there.” Otabek breathed. “You scared me.”

            “Sorry.” Yuri smiled a little bit, his heart less heavy knowing Otabek still made him feel all warm and fuzzy instead of angry like he thought he’d be. “See you soon, okay?”

            “Yeah, I’ll be right over.”

            Yuri hung up and took a deep breath. If he was just upset by himself, he’d only feel worse and thinking about hurting Otabek after all the shit he’d put him through already made him feel worse too. He felt so fucking angry that his Grandpa would just abandon him over one little thing that Yuri couldn’t change and it wasn’t right for him to turn that anger on Otabek. It wasn’t right for his fucking Grandfather to make him feel like a freak either.

            He pushed himself up and went to the bathroom to freshen up a little bit, plopping back down on the couch to fidget with his phone a while.

            It wasn’t long before there was a knock on the door and Yuri hopped up to get it, swallowing his pride as he opened it up to reveal a pink-eyed Otabek with messy hair and a duffel bag.

            “Aw Beka.” Yuri sighed, stepping back to let him in and shutting the door behind him. “Shit, I’m really sorry.”

            “It’s fine, I was just worried.” Otabek said as he set his bag down. “Are you okay?”

            “Not really. You?”

            “Better now.” Otabek stepped forward and pulled him into a hug, squeezing tight as he pressed his lips into Yuri’s hair. “I’m sorry if we pushed too hard. I just wanted to make you happy.”

            “It wasn’t your fault, I’m just upset that this was the one day he decided to come and visit.” He wrapped his arms around Otabek’s waist and buried his face in his neck. “I don’t want to feel shitty about liking you anymore.”

            “I want that too, Yura.”

            “Can I try something with you?”

            “Yeah, of course.” Otabek nodded, pulling back and cupping Yuri’s face in one hand. “What do you need from me?”

            Yuri felt his face warm and he glanced down to avoid those warm eyes, taking Otabek by the wrist and stepping back towards the couch. “Can you get naked?”

            “Huh?” Otabek laughed.

            “I want to look at you.” Yuri said, his face burning as he sat on the sofa and looked up at him. “Is that okay?”

            “Of course.” Otabek pulled his shirt off over his head and tossed it on the couch next to Yuri. “Like _naked_ naked?”

            Yuri nodded.

            “Okay.” Otabek undid the button on his jeans and dragged down the zipper, kicking his shoes off before he pushed his pants down along with his boxers. “Do you want me to do anything?” He blushed, one hand on his hip as Yuri ran his eyes over him.

            “I just want to let myself really look.” Yuri swallowed, resting his eyes on Otabek’s penis. He wanted to really, _really_ look at him and feel how much he loved doing it. He did love it. He loved the prominence of Otabek’s abs and how they lead into a treasure trail he could follow all the way down to the thin layer of pubic hair on Otabek’s crotch like he shaved it often, but hadn’t gotten around to it in a few days. He loved how his cock was a dark tanned pink that stood out against the color of his thighs and he loved how it looked so much like his, only bigger and a little darker. It felt familiar and safe and he let his eyes trail down those strong thighs, his heart thumping and his mouth watering.

“I’m not good at saying what I really feel and I’m not good at directing my shitty feelings at the right things.” He reached out and held Otabek’s hip, running his thumb over the waxed smooth skin. “But I’m working on it. I think I really do love you, it just gets kind of buried in all this stupid guilt and anxiety and I can feel it more when we’re alone, or when I can see you like this.” His hand brushed down Otabek’s thigh and his cock perked up a little at the proximity.

            “Sorry.” Otabek swallowed, his face as red as Yuri’s for once. “You kind of excite me really easily.”

            “Do you want me to touch you?”

            “Only if you want to. I mean, Yura, you just had this horrible thing happen, don’t feel like you have to-“

            “It’s not like that. Touching you helps keep my mind off of the bad stuff.” Yuri reached forward and ghosted the tips of his fingers over the length of Otabek’s cock, his heart skipping when Otabek let out a groan under his breath. It hardened against his fingertips and he did it again, teasing him until that warm pink member stood erect and Yuri felt good that he was making Otabek feel good. It was a nice feeling. “Do you want to go to my room?”

            “Yeah.” Otabek breathed. “Have I told you that I really like being teased?”

            “No, but you seemed to like it.” Yuri smiled, standing up and taking Otabek’s hand. “We’ll think about all the heavy stuff later. Right now, I feel bad for making you cry.”

            “You had a right to be upset, Yura. You don’t have to make anything up.”

            “I want to.” Yuri took him into his bedroom and locked the door behind them, flicking on the light before peeling out of his shirt. “Lie down. I want to focus on you this time.”

            “Do you need any help?”

            “I think I know what to do now.” Yuri said as he finished stripping himself down and sighed at the relief of his jeans no longer suffocating a pretty desperate erection. “Just lie down.”

            Otabek laid on top of the covers and held his arms out, so Yuri could crawl right over him.

They fit together perfectly like that, lips melting together as Yuri allowed his hands to slide up and down a perfectly smooth torso, down to sharp hips and a tense cock that twitched when he finally took it in his hand. He stroked in careful motions, squeezing on his way up, spreading pre-cum on his way down. He was getting pretty good at this stuff.

            Otabek moaned softly against his lips, his own hands caressing Yuri’s pale back until one drifted down to hold his ass. Yuri smiled a little at how much Otabek seemed to like touching him there.

            “I wish I wasn’t too sore for you to fuck me again.” Yuri mumbled against the corner of Otabek’s mouth, still stroking him lazily between kisses. “I want to make you feel good. I want to have sex and not feel bad about it.”

            “You can do whatever you want to me.” Otabek whispered, smiling with wet lips as he reached one hand up to run through Yuri’s hair. “Anything, Yura.”

            “I want to know what you want.”

            “Whatever you feel like doing.” Otabek shrugged as he leaned up to plant one more kiss on Yuri’s lips. “You could fuck me if you want.”

            “I don’t think I can do that yet.” Yuri sighed. “I feel too small with you.”

            “You’re not small, Yuri.”

            “Smaller than you though.” He turned his head and gave Otabek another kiss just to shut him up. “Let me practice using my mouth on you. Maybe I’ll start to get the hang of it more.”

            “If that’s what you want to do.”

            “Okay.” Yuri nodded, sliding down the bed and settling himself between Otabek’s opened thighs. His heart was racing, but he felt calmer than usual. It was almost like all his fears of being exposed had happened and now he didn’t have much left to lose by having sex with Otabek. It was almost freeing. He took Otabek’s erection in his hand and took one more moment to admire it before dragging his tongue along the underside, stopping at the tip to draw a slow wet circle before dragging it back down and listening to Otabek groan. He may not be able to deep throat yet like Otabek could, but if he teased him in the right ways, he could make him feel just as good.

            “Yuri.” Otabek panted, hooking one leg over Yuri’s shoulder just to get closer as he pushed one hand into his hair. “Fuck.”

            Yuri took him in his mouth and breathed hard through his nose as he sucked, relishing in how Otabek’s thigh tensed against his shoulder when he did it. How did Otabek go so far down so easily? He breathed in deep then slid his way down a little further, letting Otabek’s tip nudge at the back of his throat. Suppressing a cough, he moved his mouth further down and swallowed around him, gagging slightly, but managing to push through it by bobbing back and forth.

            “Hhhh, Yura.” Otabek whimpered. “Yura, I’m gonna cum. You’re getting too fucking good at this, I can’t hold out.”

            Yuri was a little grateful for that - not knowing how long he could keep up having that much of Otabek’s length in his mouth - so he hummed around him and slid one hand up to caress his balls until Otabek gasped and Yuri felt those familiar spurts of cum land on his tongue as he finished. He swallowed every bit of it, never having minded the taste and kept his mouth there until Otabek’s thighs stopped trembling and he became acutely aware of how desperate his own situation between his legs was.

            “Yuri fucking Plisetsky.” Otabek breathed. “Jesus Christ.”

            “Better, yeah?”

            “You’re always good.” He smiled as Yuri crawled back up beside him, pulling him right into a kiss regardless of the taste. “There’s something I think you might like, but it’s a little out there for you.” Otabek said, stroking his hand down Yuri’s side to his hip. “Don’t think I’m gross.”

            “What is it?” Yuri blushed, nuzzling his nose against Otabek’s. “Haven’t you done most things to me by now?”

            “It sounds gross, but it feels so good I swear.” Otabek said as he slid his hand down to Yuri’s ass again, squeezing. “You know what a rim job is?”

            Yuri shook his head.

            “I’ll use my mouth on uh…” Otabek dipped two fingers down and gently traced Yuri’s entrance, making him shiver and cling to him tighter. “Here? And here.” He dipped lower to massage Yuri’s perineum and he gasped against his neck. “You like that?”

            “Isn’t it kind of weird?”

            “Nothing that makes you feel good is weird.” Otabek planted a kiss on Yuri’s forehead. “Can I try?”

            “Yeah.” Yuri said, biting his lip as he rolled onto his back and Otabek slid down the bed. He opened his legs with less hesitation than usual and let Otabek lift his thighs onto his shoulders one by one. “Does it feel weird?”

            “In a good way.” Otabek grinned, hooking one arm around Yuri’s leg to wrap around his cock before he bent down and swirled his tongue around Yuri’s entrance, already sensitive from the activities of the night before.

            “Hh!” Yuri gasped, clamping a hand over his mouth as Otabek’s tongue worked around him. “Beka, fuck.” It did feel weird, but it was _good_. It had his legs trembling and he couldn’t shut his mouth.

            Otabek brought his mouth up and licked over his perineum, making Yuri’s head tip back in pleasure as he moaned loud and uncontrollably.

            “Bekaaa.” Yuri whined, gasping as Otabek stroked him faster. “Oh my God, fuck. It feels good. It feels really, really good.”

            Otabek pressed hard with his tongue, squeezing Yuri’s cock in his hand as he tasted him.

            “Beka.” Yuri whimpered. “Beka, you’re gonna make me cum.”

            “That’s the goal isn’t it?” Otabek asked before lowering his mouth again and as suave as Yuri had felt he’d been that night, he was still the boy learning how to have sex and he came hard into Otabek’s fist.

            “Fuck, fuck, fuck.” He babbled, half in pleasure and half in annoyance at himself. “Sorry, fuck.”

            “Shh, you’re fine.” Otabek cooed, kissing down the inside of his thighs as they trembled. “You liked that?”

            “Yes, but never tell a fucking soul that I do.”

            “Okay.” Otabek laughed as he slid back up the bed, nuzzling his nose against Yuri’s jaw. “How are you feeling?”

            “Better.” Yuri sighed. “How do so many people hate guys like us? I mean, that felt sooo fucking good.” He turned his head and let Otabek kiss a line down his neck. “I’m sorry I scared you. I’m not good at handling this stuff at all.”

            “We’ll deal with it together. Give your grandpa some time and then I’m sure he’ll talk to you, yeah?” Otabek kissed the corner of his mouth. “And I’m right here for you if he doesn’t.”

            “Okay.” Yuri breathed, wrapping his arms around him and squeezing. “I want you to stay with me.”

            “I’m not going anywhere.”

            They stayed in bed like that for a while, naked and wrapped up in each other’s arms, cheeks pink and legs shaky from the intensity of their orgasms. Yuri figured the worst had already happened by now. He might as well just let himself enjoy being with Otabek.

            “I love you.” Otabek murmured, kissing Yuri’s ear when he said the words. “We’ll get you through all of this.”

            “I um…” Yuri blushed and pressed back into Otabek’s touch, secretly adoring the little spoon position. “I love you too. Can I come over tomorrow? I feel really safe at your place. I know it’s kind of dumb.”

            “Do you not feel safe here?”

            “I do when you’re here, but I kind of just like your bed more.” Yuri smiled. “Is that okay?”

            “It’s fine. Why don’t you just pack a suitcase and stay as long as you need to, yeah?”

            “Really?” Yuri blinked. “Like…”

            “I don’t know, a week? As long as you want to. Seriously.” Otabek kissed the back of his neck. “I’ll take care of you.”

            “I have no idea why you’re so good to me.” Yuri sighed, rolling over in Otabek’s arms and snuggling into his bare chest. “But I’m glad someone like you can love me.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm about to graduate soooo hopefully updates will be more consistent aaa


	9. Chapter Nine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> oof storms a comin

            When Yuri woke up, his heart was heavy. He loved waking up wrapped in Otabek’s arms and that warm feeling of someone’s lips on his neck as they woke up together, but the weight of what his grandfather had said still hadn’t lifted.

            “Do you think you can practice today?” Otabek mumbled against his neck. “I’ll make an excuse for you if you can’t.”

            “I’ll practice. I want to get my mind off it.”

            “Okay, can I make you breakfast?”

            “No.” Yuri grimaced. “I don’t feel like eating.”

            “You shouldn’t practice without eating something.”

            “Not today, Beka.”

            “Alright.” Otabek sighed, leaning over to kiss his cheek. “You mind if I take a shower?”

            “No, go ahead.” Yuri said as he rolled onto his back. “I’ll get up in a little bit.”

            “Okay.” Otabek ran his hand through Yuri’s hair and bent down to kiss his forehead. “Holler if you need me.”

            “Mm.” Yuri mumbled as Otabek pulled away. He probably wouldn’t be able to eat today. Usually when he felt like this, his appetite disappeared.

            He rolled over and listened to the sound of Otabek humming in the shower, afraid to check his phone. It would hurt if his Grandpa hadn’t tried to contact him and it would hurt if he had, knowing he’d probably continue rejecting him. Yuri just shut his eyes and tried not to think about it instead.

            “Hey, Sleepyhead.” Otabek said when he stepped out of the bathroom, hair soaked and a towel wrapped around his waist as he came up to the side of the bed. “You okay?”

            “Yeah.” Yuri nodded.

            “You gonna shower?”

            “I think I’m gonna skip today.”

            “You sure? You kind of uh… made a mess last night.” Otabek laughed, bending down to kiss his forehead. “Will you at least drink some coffee?”

            “I guess.” Yuri mumbled, nuzzling his cheek against the pillow.

            “We could go a little late if you want to.” Otabek said as he ran his hand through Yuri’s hair, stroking his sensitive scalp to soothe him. “You had a really rough day yesterday, it’d be fine.”

            “I shouldn’t.” He sighed, rolling onto his back to look up at him. “You look really hot with your hair wet.”

            “Yeah?” Otabek smiled. “You look pretty cute when yours is wet too. Sure you don’t want to hop in the shower?”

            “Ugh, I’ll do it.” Yuri groaned, taking Otabek’s arm and hugging it against his chest like a teddy bear. “But I’m gonna be a bitch about it.”

            “Fair enough. Come on, up.” Otabek said, taking his arm away and standing, so he could pull Yuri up out of bed. “You’re adorable in the morning. I’ll wake you up.” He turned his head and gave Yuri a proper kiss, his hands trailing down his naked sides until they got to his hips and squeezed. “Go hop in, I’ll make your coffee.”

            “Okay.” Yuri managed a small smile and leaned his head on Otabek’s shoulder. “Can I at least see you naked before I go?”

            “Sure, but only clean Yuri’s can hit this alright?” Otabek teased as he unwrapped his towel and dropped it to the floor.

            “Hm.” Yuri bit his lip as he looked down at him. Shit, how’d it take him so long to figure out he liked this? Now that so many of his fears had come true and he could just feel his feelings, he really fucking loved that penis. “Guess that’s a fair deal.”

            “I guess you’re feeling more comfortable with sex and stuff now?”

            “I mean, I was held back because I was afraid of all this shit happening, but uh… All that shit’s kind of happened. Not much to lose now, you know?” Yuri trailed his index finger down the middle of Otabek’s abs. “I really like this.”

            “Well, this is all yours okay?” Otabek pressed a kiss to Yuri’s cheek. “So you’re coming to my place after practice?”

            “If that’s okay.”

            “It’s fine, just pack a bag, yeah?” He leaned in and swiped his tongue over Yuri’s lower lip. “Go shower before I drag you back into bed.”

            Yuri nodded and let Otabek kiss the top of his head before he pulled away to head to the shower. “I don’t know if motivating hygiene with sex is healthy or not.”

            “If it works, it works.”

**

            Everyone swarmed him at practice to make sure he was okay, but Yuri shrugged them off, telling them it was fine and sticking close to Otabek. He wanted to keep his mind off everything as much as he could.

            “I’m gonna try the new spin position, so catch me if I fall okay? I promise I’ll help you on your next thing, I just don’t want to get injured this close to the season.”

            “Sure.” Otabek nodded, skating a circle around him before coming to a stop. “Ready?”

            “Yup.” Yuri skated back to give himself some space then forward to pick up momentum, spinning on his right foot before he laid back and reached down to grab his left, raising it up to go into a higher Biellman than he was used to, but he lost balance and tumbled back.

            “Careful, careful.” Otabek winced when he caught him, tugging Yuri back onto his feet. “You got it?”

            “Yeah, I’m flexible enough to do like a full straight line up, but I have to find where to center myself on it. Do you mind if I go again?”

            “Course not, I got you.”

            Yuri blushed a little and backed up again, skating forward to enter into the spin and bring his leg all the way up into a vertical split behind him, rotating a few times before he lost his balance again and Otabek’s arms wrapped around his waist. “Thanks.” He laughed. “Shit, that’s hard to balance.”

            “You’ll have it down by tomorrow.” Otabek said, squeezing him and kissing the top of his head. “I can’t believe how flexible you are. I can barely do a catch foot.”

            “I could work on that with you.”

            “Yeah?”

            “Yeah, we could do some yoga together and stuff. I mean, I know ballet’s not really your thing.”

            “Okay.” Otabek smiled and set Yuri back on his feet, reaching up to tuck a lock of his hair behind his ear. “I’d really like if you helped me.”

            “You just want to see me in yoga pants.”

            “That too.”

            Yuri blushed and let Otabek press a few kisses to his cheeks, relishing in the feeling of being loved so much. It helped fill in the deficit his grandfather was leaving. Yakov sighed when he skated by, but Yuri just pressed closer to Otabek. “I feel a lot better.”

            “Yeah? You know everyone’s heading to lunch right now if you want to take a break.”

            Yuri glanced towards the edge of the ice where Victor and Yuuri were stepping off, Yakov already heading out, and nodded. “Can you keep distracting me and shit? I don’t want to check my phone or anything.”

            “Sure, uh… Do you want to duck down in the hockey benches and make out?” Otabek asked, cocking his head to one of the boxes on the side of the rink. “No one ever uses them, so they’re always clean.”

            “Okay.” Yuri bit his lip and waited while Victor and Yuuri changed shoes. He was feeling a lot less sore, so maybe he could have actual sex with Otabek again after practice.

            As soon as the others headed out, Otabek lead Yuri off the ice and into the penalty box. It had been forever since anyone had actually used the rink for hockey since Yakov had taken over the place, but it was still there. They ducked inside behind the panes of Plexiglas and shut the little barricade before sitting on the blue painted bench together.

            “Come here.” Otabek murmured, pulling Yuri into a soft kiss that made the remaining little buzz of anxiety in his stomach flutter away. He waited for Yuri to get comfortable and kiss him back with a little more enthusiasm before he nudged his tongue into his mouth.

            “Mm.” Yuri mumbled against his lips, arms wrapped around Otabek’s shoulders as he pressed close to him for warmth. The rink seemed colder than usual. “Beka?”

            “Yeah, Baby?”

            “Fuck, please call me that more. Just when we’re alone, but still. More.”

            “I love that you like that so much.” Otabek said as he turned his head to kiss down Yuri’s neck. “What’d you want to ask?”

            “I-If I can’t get a hold of my Grandpa tonight and if I’m feeling okay, I want to have sex again.”

            “Sure Baby, are you still sore?”

            “Tiny bit.”

            “Okay.” Otabek nodded, licking a stripe from his collar to his ear. “If you want, you can always fuck me remember.”

            “Do you like that more?” Yuri asked, worried that maybe he was being kind of selfish.

            “I like it all the same. I like whatever makes you feel good.” Otabek whispered as he rubbed his hand up the inside of Yuri’s thigh. “I mean I’m most turned on by seeing you turned on, you know?”

            “Okay.” Yuri laughed a little at the generosity and craned his neck, so Otabek had better access. “I still can’t get it through my head that you actually ate my ass last night.”

            “Don’t say it like that. It sounds gross.” Otabek snickered and smacked a line of kisses down Yuri’s neck. “I love kissing you here.”

            “Mm.” He hummed.

            “Just don’t think about anything else right now.” Otabek cooed, his hand sneaking up the front of Yuri’s shirt to tease the sensitive part of his chest.

            “Hh.” Yuri breathed, shutting his eyes as Otabek brought his head back up to kiss him.

            He stayed there with him for a while, his shirt pulled up to his neck, his tongue in Otabek’s mouth, whimpering against his lips. Who could think about anything else when a boy that beautiful was kissing them? Yuri couldn’t worry about a single thing while they were in that box. Shit, Otabek really knew all the best ways to touch him too, so that he’d feel good, but he wouldn’t get too hard, or out of control.

            A few minutes before it was time for people to start heading back for lunch, Otabek put Yuri’s shirt back down and just sat there a while with his arm around him, pressing soft kisses into his hair while they calmed down a bit. They got back on the ice when everyone else came back and Yuri was glad Otabek wasn’t pressuring him to go out to lunch. He really didn’t feel like eating still even with Otabek cheering him up.

            “Can you help me tighten up my step sequence?” Otabek asked, skating circles around Yuri just to bug him a little.

            “Sure.” Yuri shrugged. “We’re doing yoga later though.”

            “Definitely doing yoga.” Otabek winked. “Now here help me not be shitty at inside spread eagles.”

**

            When they went back, Yuri dodged food again and Otabek didn’t seem to notice, which was a relief and he roped him into doing some yoga on his living room floor for a little bit. It was pretty funny watching Otabek struggle to reach much past his toes.

            Yuri had managed to keep the bad thoughts at bay, but when they settled down on the couch for the evening, he knew he had to deal with some stuff.

            “It’s gonna be bad either way.” Yuri grimaced as he held his phone in his hand, the TV paused and Otabek’s arm wrapped around his shoulders. “I’m just gonna call and maybe he’s calmed down enough to talk to me.”

            “It’s worth a shot.” Otabek nodded, gently rubbing the back of his neck a little help calm him as he tapped on his Grandpa’s contact.

            Yuri chewed on the inside of his cheek as he listened to the phone ring. If he could just talk to him even for a minute, it could help everything, but fuck, his Grandpa was so set in his ways about this kind of thing. He waited for him to pick up, but after a minute, the call went to voicemail.

            “Fuck.” He sighed, dropping the phone in his lap. “I don’t know what I’m gonna do.”

            “Shit, I’m sorry Yura.”

            “I might have to go to Moscow and try to see him in person, but fuck, I’d miss practice. Ugh.” Yuri blinked his eyes hard to hide the tears and leaned his head on Otabek’s shoulder. “Can we go have sex?”

            “Right now?”

            “Yeah.” He swallowed. “Can we?”

            “I mean, if you want to.”

            “I want to.”

            “Okay.” Otabek pressed a kiss to his forehead and got off the couch, leading Yuri back to his room, which he’d cleaned again just for him.

            Yuri wanted to stop thinking, so he let Otabek strip him down and lay him on the bed. Unlike the other night, he opened his legs without hesitation and soon, Otabek was on top of him, rolling his hips as Yuri panted underneath him.

            He squeezed his eyes shut and tried to focus on how good Otabek made him feel and he _did_ feel good, but he couldn’t get his mind off his problems this time. Why wouldn’t Grandpa even talk to him? He’d raised him. Was being gay so unforgivable that he would never see him again?

            “Babe?” Otabek asked, stopping the thrusting motions and cupping Yuri’s face in his hand. “Hey, are you crying?”

            “Huh?” Yuri opened his eyes and cursed when he realized a tear or two had leaked out of the corner of his eye.

            “Baby… Hey.” Otabek frowned.

            “I’m sorry, I just can’t stop thinking about what’s going on, fuck. I-I wanted to be distracted, but…” Yuri’s mouth wobbled and he hated himself for crying. “Beka, I don’t want to lose my only family.”

            “Oh Yuri, hey, hey shhh.” Otabek reached down to pull out and rolled off of him, tugging the blankets up to cover them when he pulled Yuri into his arms. “It’s okay. Give him a little more time.”

            “I’m sorry, I don’t want to abuse sex with you, I just wanted to feel good. Y-You make me feel really good, Beka.” Yuri sniffled, his breath hitching as Otabek hugged him. “I’m sorry.”

            “It’s okay.” Otabek cooed as he ran a hand through Yuri’s hair. “Hey, if you’re feeling upset, you have to let me comfort you okay? If you try to use sex like that, it’s not gonna turn out good for anyone.”

            “I just want to feel better. I-I felt better earlier.” Yuri hiccupped.

            “Sex isn’t a quick fix. Let’s get you something comfy to wear and we can go back to the movie, yeah? I’ll be with you and we can try to help you relax again.” He pushed Yuri’s hair back behind his ear and kissed his forehead. “Is it just the Grandpa thing?”

            Yuri nodded.

            “Maybe you should think about going to Moscow. If it’ll really help.”

            “Maybe, I don’t know. I’m fucking scared.” Yuri sighed, rubbing his eyes and sitting himself up. “Can I borrow one of your shirts?”

            “Yeah.” Otabek nodded, sliding out of bed and pulling on a pair of sweatpants and rummaging through his dresser drawer until he found a shirt to toss to Yuri.

            “Thanks.” He sniffed as he tugged it on. “I-I packed underwear and stuff, but I didn’t bring much to sleep in.”

            “It’s okay, I got you covered.” Otabek walked back over and pressed his lips to the top of Yuri’s head. “I’m a little keyed up, so I’m gonna take care of myself super quick, okay? Get dressed, I’ll be right back.”

            “Okay. Sorry.” Yuri said, his heart sinking, knowing he’d kind of mislead Otabek with sex. He hoped Otabek didn’t think he hadn’t wanted it, or that it hadn’t felt good. He was just too much of a mess to have sex right then.

He pulled the covers up and watched as Otabek left, wiping his eyes and swallowing the lump in his throat. He didn’t want to have to go to Moscow and miss out on practice time, especially if he didn’t even know if his Grandpa would see him or not.

            Otabek came out from the bathroom after a minute and walked back over to give him a kiss, cupping Yuri’s face in his hands and holding him for a moment longer than usual. “You okay?”

            “Yeah.” Yuri smiled, reaching up to touch his hair a little. “You totally look like you just jacked off.”

            “Shut up.” Otabek laughed. “Put some pants on, I’ll get the movie going again.”

            Yuri got up and dug some underwear out of his duffel bag, slipping it on and following Otabek back out to the living room.

            “Can I make you some hot chocolate or something?”

            Yuri’s stomach grumbled. Shit, he hadn’t eaten anything all day, but he still didn’t feel like it. Especially if he was going to maybe skip practice tomorrow, he shouldn’t. “I’m good.”

            “Okay, come here.” Otabek sat down on the couch and held his arms open, letting Yuri sit with his legs in his lap and snuggled in extra close. “Isn’t everything better when you don’t hold back?”

            Yuri nodded and tucked his head into the crook of Otabek’s neck. “Thanks for being here.”

            “I’ve always been here.” He kissed the top of Yuri’s head. “Even when you thought we were both straight.” He teased, his hand rubbing up and down Yuri’s back.

            “I was really oblivious wasn’t I?”

            “Babe, there was a pride flag in my room in Almaty.”

            “Oh shit, that’s what that was.”

            Otabek chuckled and gave him a squeeze. “I used to get so depressed that you didn’t feel the same way about me. I can’t believe you let me hold you like this now.”

            “You still can’t tell anyone how soft I am when we’re alone. I’m just… I mean, not that I don’t like it, but you know this isn’t really me, yeah? I-I’m just going through a rough time, I kind of need this.”

            “You don’t have to justify it. I love when you’re affectionate.”

            “I know, I just… I still want most of this to stay private.”

            “I won’t tell anyone about intimate stuff.” Otabek assured him, nuzzling his nose against Yuri’s hair. “You can trust me with anything.”

**

            When Yuri woke up in the morning, his stomach ached and his chest felt heavy again. He usually woke up with pretty bad morning wood after sharing a bed with Otabek, but nothing this time. When Otabek pressed a few good morning kisses to his neck, he barely even had the energy to open his eyes.

            “What do you think about practice?” Otabek asked in a soft voice, picking the hair out of Yuri’s eyes.

            “I can’t do it today.” He mumbled, shaking his head.

            “Okay, do you want to just stay at my place until I finish? Does Potya have enough food?”

            “Yeah, I left her a lot. She’s good. Can I stay?”

            “Of course.” Otabek pressed a kiss to his forehead. “I’m gonna get ready, but I’ll make breakfast after.”

            “Ugh, no thanks Beks.”

            “Really?” He frowned. “Did you ever eat yesterday?”

            “Yeah.” Yuri mumbled.

            “I’ll make something healthy Yuri, can you just eat a little?”

            “I really don’t feel good, Beka. I’ll eat later.”

            “Okay.” He sighed. “I’m gonna jump in the shower. Keep sleeping.”

            Yuri reached his arms out and gave him a hug just to make sure he knew how much he appreciated everything before he let him go shower. If he had more energy, he would probably step in with him, but he couldn’t bring himself to get up just yet. He hated his feeling. He knew what it was. He’d been plenty depressed before he met Otabek and generally made more friends which made it suck that much more to fall back into it.

            He kept his eyes shut and took comfort once again in the sound of Otabek humming in the shower. It was so cute that he did that. Like he wanted to sing, but he was too shy. Yuri breathed in the scent of Otabek’s t-shirt he’d stolen to sleep in and smiled a few minutes later when he came out.

            “Hey you.” Otabek smiled as he walked to the dresser to find some practice clothes. “Get some sleep while I’m gone, okay? And call me if you need anything.”

            “I will.”

            “And eat while I’m gone.”

            “Okay.” Yuri watched as Otabek got dressed and reached his hand out when he came over to say goodbye. “You’re sure it’s okay for me to stay here?”

            “Positive. Take care of yourself okay?” Otabek bent down and gave him another kiss, holding Yuri there for a long moment to make sure he felt loved before he pulled away to get his things. “I’ll call you when I’m coming back.”

            “Okay.” Yuri nodded. “Be safe at practice.”

            “I will be.” Otabek toed on his shoes and grabbed the duffel bag with his practice gear before shutting the bedroom light off again, so Yuri could sleep.

            Yuri’s heart sank a bit when he shut the door and left, wishing he had the strength to go and be with him at practice, but it just couldn’t be done today.

**

            Yuri managed to sleep for a few extra hours before dragging himself out of bed to change into some proper clothes. He hadn’t brought much and just changed into some black leggings and a loose sweater to match. He actually laughed a little when he saw himself in the mirror. It looked a lot like his middle school goth phase.

            He walked out to the living room and curled up on the couch with the TV on while he waited for Otabek to get back. His stomach hurt, but all that really did was decrease his appetite more. Plus, he didn’t want to intrude more than he already was by raiding Otabek’s fridge.

            Yuri just flipped to Cartoon Network and stayed there, one hand on his phone, so he wouldn’t miss the call that Otabek would be coming home. He was just on the verge of falling asleep again when the door slammed open and he jerked up.

            “ _Fuck_.” Otabek swore as he walked in, slamming the door shut behind him and dropping his duffel bag.

            “Huh?” Yuri blinked, his heart beating in his throat. “What’s wrong?” He was home at least two hours early.

            “I fucking rolled my ankle because of some stupid divot in the fucking ice, I mean how fucking hard is it to maintain the rink before we skate? The fucking season’s about to start, shit.” Otabek huffed, kicking off his shoes and tugging up the right leg of his practice leggings to reveal an ankle brace.

            “Oh… I-I’m sorry, Beka. That sucks.” He’d never seen Otabek angry like that before and even though it wasn’t directed at him, he felt sick to his stomach with anxiety. Otabek was so sweet and soft, seeing him swearing and slamming doors actually made him feel scared. “Is there anything I can do?”

            “No.” Otabek grumbled. “Did you eat something?”

            “Um…”

            “Fucking hell, Yuri. I asked you to take care of yourself.”

            “I-I was going to, I just slept late a-and I didn’t have an appetite yet.” He croaked, shrinking back from him and blinking back the tears pricking at his eyes. He was going through one of the worst times in his life, why was Otabek yelling at him?

            “Jesus Christ, ugh.” Otabek ran his hand through his hair and Yuri’s mouth wobbled. “I mean I was worried sick about you all practice, how can you not even feed yourself?”

            “I’m sorry.” Yuri’s stomach turned. Did Otabek get hurt because he was distracted by worrying about him? “D-Did you get hurt because of me?”

            “I don’t know, maybe.”

            “I’m gonna go.” Yuri choked, his hands trembling as he pushed himself off the couch and started to walk back to get his stuff. “I’m sorry.”

            “Huh?”

            “I’m sorry.” He repeated, his voice cracking on the words this time as he dipped into the hallway and made a beeline for Otabek’s room. His breath was picking up as he grabbed his clothes from yesterday and fumbled to shove them into the bag.

            “Yuri?” Otabek asked, stepping into the doorway with the anger faded from his voice. “Hey, stop. You don’t have to go anywhere.”

            “You’re talking like you hate me.” Yuri sniffled, hugging the bag to his chest as he turned to face him. “I-I just lost my Grandpa and I’m so depressed I feel like I can’t even eat and you come in and scream at me? I-I’ve never even seen you mad like that before.” He started crying as he spoke and he hated himself for it. Why did he always have to be so fucking weak? It already felt like the whole world hated him. If Otabek turned on him, he’d have nothing. “What did I do?”

            “Oh my God… Yura.” Otabek breathed, stepping forward and looking at him with wide eyes. “Shit, I am so, so sorry. Hey, I’m just freaked out about being hurt, okay? A-And I’m freaked out by you not eating, I didn’t mean to yell at you like that.”

            “It’s my fault you got hurt though. I-If I wasn’t having all these problems and distracting you, y-you’d be focused and you wouldn’t have-“

            “No, no, no. Don’t think that for a second.” Otabek put his hands on Yuri’s shoulders and looked at him with wide eyes. “I would have hit that divot whether I was focused or not. I was just upset, I’m not upset at you.”

            Yuri’s breath hitched and he took a step back from him.

            “Yura.”

            “You fucking scared me.”

            “I’m so sorry.” Otabek said and he looked like he might cry himself. His shoulders had slumped and his eyes were wide and glistening, mouth hung slightly open. “Yuri, I feel horrible. Please don’t go, okay?

            His stomach cramped and he stepped forward again into Otabek’s chest, sniveling as he dropped the duffel bag and wrapped his arms around him. “You can’t yell at me, Beka. A-At least not when I haven’t done anything because I know sometimes I’m shitty and I deserve to be yelled at, but don’t do that to me when I’ve been good. I’m hurting so fucking much, Beka. I-It feels like you’re all I have right now. I-I need you.”

            “I’m so sorry.” Otabek said as he hugged Yuri tight against him. “Baby, I’m so fucking sorry. I was just upset and I didn’t think. Please don’t go, okay? I really want you to stay.”

            “C-Can we go get Potya? I know it’s stupid, but she really makes me feel better a-and it helps the anxiety.”

            “Sure Baby, I’ll order a ride.” Otabek nodded, pulling back and taking out his phone. “She can stay here as long as you want.”

            “Okay.” He swallowed.

            Otabek tapped a few things on the screen and sighed. “Okay, it’ll be here in like fifteen minutes. We’ll stop by your place and grab the cat and whatever she needs.”

            Yuri wiped his eyes and nodded, his lips still trembling a bit. When did he get so soft like this?

            “Yuri, I’ll do anything to make you feel better right now.” Otabek said, reaching out and cupping his cheek. “I’ll never do that again, I just had a crazy shitty day, but I know it’s nothing compared to what you’re going through. Can you please, please have something to eat before we go?”

            “Yeah.” He sniffed. “Not too much please, just… I-I’ll eat something small. It’s really fucking hard to eat when I feel like this, so don’t push me okay?”

            “Okay.” Otabek pressed a kiss to Yuri’s cheek and took his hand to lead him out of the room.

            Yuri took a deep breath and followed him into the kitchen, but he still felt shaken up. He’d seen Otabek yell once when they’d had that dramatic confrontation in the locker rooms when Yuri was still trying to deny things, but seeing him acting so mad at him when he hadn’t done something was really rattling.

            “Look, I have your favorite yeah?” Otabek said when they got to the kitchen, walking to the cabinet and pulling out a box of chocolate covered almonds. “Could you just eat some of these and when we get back maybe something more substantial?”

            Yuri’s stomach growled, but he still didn’t feel like eating those. His mouth felt dry and his body felt heavy. “Beka, do I really-“

            “Please?”

            He grimaced and took a seat at the table, taking the box from Otabek and tearing open the top. “Are you in pain or anything?”

            “Don’t worry about me right now.” Otabek poured him a glass of water and sat next to him, his eyebrows pushed together in concern as Yuri forced himself to eat a few of the almonds. “Are you mad at me?”

            “No, I’m just kind of… I don’t know, I’m just kind of upset about everything. You swear you’re okay with me staying here?”

            “Of course I am. I love having you here.” Otabek leaned over and kissed his cheek. “I can make piroshky when we get back. Would you eat that?”

            “Really?”

            “Yeah of course. I have the stuff.”

            “Okay.” Yuri nodded. “Yeah, I’ll try to eat that.”

            “Thank you.” Otabek reached his hand out and rested in on Yuri’s knee as he ate the almonds, squeezing it and stroking him a little with his thumb. “You know I’m not mad at you, right? I feel horrible for scaring you.”

            “I know. It was just kind of upsetting.” Yuri set the almonds down and sighed. “I’ll eat when we get back. Let’s go catch our ride.”

            “Okay.” Otabek stood up and let Yuri lead the way out the door.

            Yuri hoped Otabek wouldn’t feel too guilty for too long. He had no right to yell at him earlier, but he was definitely sorry and Yuri wasn’t really mad at him.

They made it downstairs to the front of the building to wait for their car and Yuri leaned into his side, resting his head on Otabek’s shoulder. “I’m not mad at you. Don’t feel bad.”

            “You sure?”

            Yuri nodded. “I’ll really eat when we get back. Then I just want to relax with you like we usually do.”

            Otabek smiled and glanced around to make sure no one was looking when he kissed his forehead. “I love you.”

            Yuri’s heart skipped as their Uber rounded the corner towards them. “I love you too.”

            They got in to the back and sat close for the short ride to Yuri’s apartment, bearing a few sideways glances from the driver in the mirror and tipping him extra to wait when they arrived and rushed to get the cat.

            “Hey Sweetie.” Yuri cooed when Potya greeted him at the door, scooping her up and hugging her. “Hey we’re gonna go stay at Otabek’s for a while, okay? You like Beka.”

            Potya mewed in response and Yuri laughed, walking to the kitchen to grab a bag of her food.

            “The litter box has a lid, can you grab it? It’s in the corner of the living room.”

            “Sure.” Otabek nodded. “Want me to get the carrier from your room?”

            “Yeah.” Yuri said as he peppered Potya’s face in kisses. She really did calm him although he felt kind of silly.

            Otabek grabbed the carrier and they headed out the door with Potya still nestled in Yuri’s arms. She was always warm and it was nice to hold her as they went back out into the cold to the car.

            The driver gave him a bit of a look at the sight of the cat, but Yuri shrugged it off and kept her in his lap for the ride home.

            Back at the apartment, he let Potya roam and laid down on the couch while Otabek cooked. He still didn’t want to eat, but he’d do it for Otabek. Especially once he saw him in an apron, he really couldn’t bare to disappoint him.

            “Here, just eat as much as you can okay? I won’t force feed you, but at least get full.” Otabek said when he came up to the couch, a platter of piroshky in his hands. He set it on the coffee table then plopped down next to Yuri, leaning in to press his lips to his forehead. “Can you?”

            “Yeah. Thanks for making these.” Yuri took one and breathed deep before biting, kicking his legs up in Otabek’s lap as he ate it. Shit, it really was good. “You’ve gotten really good at making these.”

            “Yeah?”

            They tasted just like Grandpa’s. “Can we watch something scary? I’m kind of cozy here.”

            “Sure.” Otabek reached for the remote and started to browse movies while Yuri settled into him.

            It was disgustingly domestic, but Yuri felt so much calmer like this. Eating felt a little easier the more bites he took and he down three of the piroshky before stopping and grabbing a blanket from the arm rest to settle under with Otabek.

            Halfway through the movie, he felt the familiar presence of Otabek’s hand on his thigh, his fingers caressing the inside through his thin leggings, teasing close to between his legs. “Mm.” Yuri sighed, nuzzling his cheek against Otabek’s shoulder.

            Otabek’s hand dipped a little further again, the side of his hand brushing against his bulge to earn a shiver from Yuri. “You know I’ve never had a chance to give you an apology blowjob before.”

            “You don’t have to do that.” Yuri blushed as Otabek’s hand moved to palm over him.

            “Well I made you feel bad. Least I can do is make you feel good now, right?” He kissed the top of his head. “Can I?”

            “I mean, if you want to.”

            “I always want to.” Otabek lifted Yuri’s legs and slid out from under him, moving to the floor and kneeling between his legs. “Cum whenever you feel like it. I don’t care if you’re quick.” He kissed his bulge through the leggings and took one of Yuri’s hands to put it in his hair. “Let me make things up to you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for taking so long to update!!!


	10. Chapter Ten

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Whole lotta smut but whoooaaaa is that some character development????

            Healing through sex was becoming a pretty fun option for dealing with his problems. The next day, Yuri took off practice again, but when Otabek came home, it was straight to the bedroom. They both lasted longer this time, Yuri’s back arching off the mattress when Otabek eventually built him up to an orgasm. Then it was round two in the shower and another make out session on the couch. It was some pretty good shit for breaking him out of the depression, although he still wasn’t eating too much.

            The day after, Yuri decided to get back to practicing. He gave Otabek a little space and ran through his program over and over, determined not to let himself get out of shape. He felt really lightheaded, but figured he should just push through it.

He picked up some speed and entered into the new spin he’d been working on, bringing his leg all the way up behind him into a straight line and grinning when he easily kept his balance on it. Spins never took him long to learn and this would be the hardest spin element in the entire men’s field. He had to lean forward a lot to get his leg that high, so it wasn’t like some of the Russian girls, but shit, for the senior men’s division? He’d get a serious advantage.

            Yuri brought his leg back down and came to a stop, but the rink was still spinning. Not really unusual when coming out of a spin, but even standing still, it wasn’t slowing down.

            “Hey Yuri, how’re you feeling?” Otabek asked when he skated by, sliding around him in a circle until he stopped in front of him.

            “Um.” He reached out and grabbed his shoulder for balance, suddenly feeling nauseous. “Not great? I’m kind of um…” His head felt even lighter, his vision still spinning as his knees started to feel weak.

            “Yura?”

            His knees buckled and his vision blacked out, mind going blank as he fell forward on to Otabek.

            “Yuri?!”

            “Hm?” Yuri blinked his eyes open to find himself lying on the ice, Otabek knelt next to him and Yakov standing over him. “The fuck?”

            “You just fainted.” Otabek said, putting a hand on his forehead. “You told me you ate this morning, what’s going on?”

            “I… Kinda didn’t.” Yuri grimaced. “I didn’t feel good, but I didn’t want you to get mad, so I just…” He shrugged.

            “Yuri…”

            “Yuratchka we’re not going down this road again.” Yakov sighed. “You can’t skate if you don’t eat. You’re skinny enough as it is. You know what happens to muscle when you don’t get any protein?”

            “It’s just hard.”

            “No eating, no competition.”

            “Yakov, fuck, I… I-I can’t.” Yuri choked. “A-And I’ve been eating as much as I can, I just really can’t.”

            Yakov stopped pushing together his eyebrows and he looked at Otabek with concern in his eyes. Yuri had never really seen that look on him before.

            “Yuri, we’re gonna have to get you some real help if this goes on.” Otabek said, one hand stroking Yuri’s hair as he laid on the ice. “You’re scaring me.”

            “I’m sorry.” Yuri looked off to the side. “I’m trying, Beka. I-I just… Grandpa still hasn’t talked to me. I-I can’t feel anything and I can’t eat.”

            “Baby...” Otabek sighed.

            “Otabek, I’m putting you on him.” Yakov said, putting a hand on his shoulder. “He doesn’t live on his own until this is under control. You watch him eat, you make sure he’s doing it. Got that?”

            “Got it.” Otabek nodded, taking one of Yuri’s hands and squeezing. “Come on, let’s get you something right now.”

            “Beka please no.” Yuri grimaced. “I just fainted, I already feel sick. Don’t make me-“

            “You feel sick because you’re not eating. Now come on.” Otabek stood up first then pulled up Yuri, pulling him against him in a hug to steady him and to comfort him a little too. “You heard that right? You’re staying with me indefinitely. If you want to go back to your place that’s okay, but I’m coming with you.”

            “I um… I don’t mind that.”

            “I don’t want to see you back on the ice for another hour at least, okay?” Yakov said, his voice less gruff than usual. “Take a break. Go home when Otabek’s done.”

            Yuri nodded back and dropped his arms from Otabek’s waist, letting him lead him off the ice. He stepped on to the floor and bent down to untie his skates, tugging them off and setting them with his things while Otabek put his guards on and took him away from the ice to the little concession area in the lobby.

            Otabek went behind the counter and ducked down to grab a power bar for him, walking back out to sit next to him and open the bar. “Just eat this for now and I’ll cook a real meal when we get home.”

            “Beka.” Yuri’s shoulders slumped looking at that bar of dried fruit and granola. “I really don’t-“

            “Yuri.” He raised his eyebrows. “If you don’t eat you’re not even gonna be able to skate. You’ll lose your entire season and you’ll lose a shit ton of muscle too which means you’re gonna hurt yourself bad on a quad eventually.” Otabek put the bar in his hand. “Eat.”

            Yuri huffed and took a bite, wincing as he chewed. His mouth just felt so dry and it felt stuck in his throat as he swallowed. “Beka-“

            “Finish it, Yuri.”

            His mouth wobbled, but he swallowed the lump in his throat and forced himself to eat the rest of it, nausea swelling in his stomach with every bite, but he fought it back. If he threw up, he’d have to do this again.

            Otabek rubbed his back as he ate and pressed a kiss to his temple when he got down to the last bite.

            Yuri finished with some reluctance and crumpled up the wrapper, leaning his head on Otabek’s shoulder. “Sorry for being such a pain.”

            “You’re not a pain. I’m your best friend and your boyfriend. I’m here for you.” He gave Yuri’s shoulder a squeeze. “Hey if you eat dinner tonight, I have a surprise for you.”

            “Huh?”

            “You’ll like it. So eat dinner.”

            “Okay.” Yuri laughed a little and turned his head to kiss his neck. “I’ll eat dinner.”

            “Thank you. Drink some water while I practice, okay? Do you want to lie down in the stands?”

            “No, I’ll just sit on the side and watch you.” He waited for Otabek to turn towards him again and leaned up to kiss his lips, relishing in the warmth and comfort that came with them. “I’m feeling so much better about being with you. Here at least. I still don’t know about being in public, but here is good.”

            “I’m glad, Baby.” Otabek gave him another peck then stood up to go back towards the ice. “Come on, let’s grab your water bottle.”

**

            Eating dinner made him feel like shit, but Yuri ate what Otabek put on his plate and was pretty quickly rewarded by being whisked off to the bedroom.

            “Can I show you the surprise?” Otabek smiled once Yuri was naked and under the covers. Otabek had insisted on warming him up first, so there he was with all his clothes on and there Yuri was, dick out on silk sheets.

            “Yes you’ve been teasing me about it for hours.” Yuri said, pulling the comforter up a little to keep warm until Otabek could come share his body heat.

            “Okay, stay right here. I hid it in the bathroom.” Otabek laughed, pinching Yuri’s cheek just to tease him before he pulled away and ducked into the adjoining bathroom, shutting the door behind him.

            Yuri sighed and shut his eyes to wait, feeling the softness of the sheets against his skin. Shit, Otabek really had nice sheets.

            The bathroom door opened and Otabek stepped out, grinning in a pair of tight leather shorts that clung to every curve of his hips and his cock. “Do you like it? I was going to get you something, but I know how you feel about being treated like a girl and I didn’t want you to take it the wrong way, so I thought we could go online and pick out whatever you want. Y’know, so you can get something you feel good in. I mean, if you want anything, we don’t have-“

            “Beka.” Yuri laughed. “Shut up, I love it.”

            “Really?” He beamed.

            “Yes, fuck, I hate it when you’re so cute it makes me all mushy and dumb.” Yuri moved over in bed and motioned for Otabek to come and join him.

            Otabek slid under the covers and got his arms around Yuri, smothering him in kisses until he started laughing and squirming around.

            “What do you think I’d look good in?” Yuri grinned as Otabek dragged his mouth down his neck. “I want to wear something for you?”

            “Will you get mad at me if I suggest something girly? Because I don’t think you’re a girl, I just think you could pull off certain things.”

            “Beka, it’s fine.” Yuri laughed, kissing the top of Otabek’s head. “What is it?”

            “I mean…” Otabek trailed his hand down Yuri’s side. “Not like panties, but something lacy? Maybe something see through.”

            “Sooo like panties.”

            “They make male lingerie, don’t think of it like that. I just think you’d look good.”

            “Hm.” Yuri bit his lip. “Okay, I mean, we can try that.”

            “Yeah?”

            “If you’d like it.” Yuri pulled the covers back, so he could get a better look at Otabek and smiled. “How did I ever think I didn’t like this?”

            “That is what literally all of us have been asking.” Otabek said as Yuri looked him over. “Do you know what you want to do tonight?”

            “I mean I’m still kind of down and stuff. I think I just want you to lay over me and do your thing.” Yuri ran one hand through Otabek’s hair and kissed his temple. “I feel closest to you like that.”

            “Okay.” Otabek gave him a soft smile and moved over, letting Yuri lie on his back before he laid over him, elbows planted on either side of Yuri’s chest as he leaned down to give him a proper kiss. “Can I just kiss you a little more before we start?”

            “Yeah.” He smiled back, wrapping his arms around Otabek’s shoulders and kissing him. It wasn’t ravenous and deep like it had been lately when they fucked, it was slow and soft, Otabek’s tongue lapping at his as Yuri ran his hands down Otabek’s body, eventually landing on the waist of those leather shorts. He pushed down a little and Otabek obliged, lifting his hips and helping Yuri slide them down until he kicked them off and Yuri felt his cock up against his thigh.

            “I need to get a condom.” Otabek mumbled against Yuri’s jaw.

            “Do you have to?”

            “I don’t know if I’ve been tested recently enough, Baby. I’ve never had anything, but still.”

            “I don’t want to move, just fuck me like this.” Yuri said, reaching one hand up to caress Otabek’s cheek. “I’m giving you permission.”

            “Babe.” Otabek bit his lip. “Are you sure?”

            “I want to know what it feels like.” Yuri nodded, relaxing back against the pillow and opening his legs a little more. They’d finally gotten to the point where he wasn’t really sore after sex anymore, so he was eager to try new things now. “The lube’s right next to you.”

            “Okay, I might cum kind of fast.” Otabek said as he reached for the lube. “Don’t roast me.”

            “Beka, I literally always cum first. You’re fine.” Yuri pressed another kiss to the tip of his nose. “Start prepping me?”

            Otabek nodded and uncapped the lube as Yuri leaned up to drag his mouth down his neck. “Just tell me when you feel prepped enough.”

            The sex was exactly what Yuri needed, helping him let go of any thoughts about his Grandpa still not speaking to him, his stomach feeling sick at every site of food. He just felt Otabek inside him and over him, around him. He gasped out his name and whimpered, his thighs trembling at Otabek’s every touch.

            When he came, his emotions welled up more than usual, tears pricking at his eyes as he cried out. Otabek finished only a moment later and Yuri relaxed down against the sheets. “I love you.” He breathed, Otabek pressing lazy kisses down his neck. “Beka, I’m so sorry I was so fucking dumb for so long. I really fucking love you.”

            “Aw, Yuri.” Otabek laughed. “You’re so sweet. I love you too.” He lifted his head and gave Yuri a proper kiss, his tongue caressing Yuri’s inside his mouth as he held him so close, still inside of him. “Do you feel good?”

            “Yeah.” He sighed, gasping a little when Otabek shifted, giving friction to his oversensitive erection. “You should probably pull out.”

            “Oh shit, sorry.” Otabek laughed, reaching down to pull out and rolling over to snuggle in to his side. “You’re so warm after sex. It just makes me want to fall asleep, but we’re kind of gross and should shower.”

            “Let’s get in before I lose the will. I really want to practice tomorrow and if I look gross, Yakov’s gonna think I’m not eating.”

            “Can you please try to eat breakfast tomorrow?” Otabek asked, stroking one hand down Yuri’s arm. “I’ll make something really light.”

            Yuri sighed and shrugged his shoulders. “I’ll try.”

            “Okay.” He kissed his temple and pulled away to go get in the shower. “You coming?”

            “Yeah.” Yuri smiled and slid out of bed, following him into the bathroom and hugging himself for warmth while Otabek turned the water on in the shower.

            “Here.” Otabek stepped in first and held his hand out for Yuri to help him in before shutting the curtain.

            “Mm.” Yuri sighed, the water running down his back as he pressed into Otabek’s chest.

            “Better?”

            “Better.”

            Otabek wrapped his arms around Yuri’s waist and kissed his forehead, rubbing his back a little as they warmed up. “Are you gonna try calling your Grandpa again?”

            “Not tonight. It hurts too much every time he doesn’t pick up.”

            “Okay, let’s just go right to bed then, yeah?”

            “Yeah.” Yuri hugged him back and shut his eyes. “I’m sleepy. Can you watch my hair?”

            “Yeah, Baby.” Otabek nodded, reaching for the shampoo and squeezing a little onto Yuri’s head.

            “Mm.” Yuri purred as he massaged it into his scalp, Otabek taking the time to pull the shampoo through every strand and let it sit for a minute before letting Yuri tip his head back and rinse it out. “That’s nice.”

            “I love your hair.” Otabek said as he went back to rubbing Yuri’s back. “Hey can you help me with my spins tomorrow? And with some of the flexibility stuff? I really need better positions. My GOE is always sad on spins.”

            “Sure.” Yuri nuzzled his cheek against Otabek’s shoulder and opened his eyes, looking over Otabek’s abs and his penis and how both looked when they were wet. He took his index finger and dragged it over the top of Otabek’s length.

            “Babe.” Otabek laughed. “What are you-“

            “It’s pretty.” Yuri shrugged.

            “Don’t make me hard again, the poor little guy’s all worn out.”

            “Your penis is it’s own person?”

            “Yeah it’s little Beka.”

            “It is _not_ little.”

            “Oh my God.” Otabek snickered and leaned down a little to give Yuri another kiss on the lips. “Let’s dry off before we start having sex again.”

**

            In the morning, Yuri felt a little anxious, so he was up before Otabek, playing on his phone to keep his hands busy and looking over occasionally at the boy beside him. Otabek looked really funny when he slept. His hair got all crazy and his mouth always hung a little open. When seven a.m. rolled around, he put his phone down and slid up behind Otabek, wrapping an arm around him and dragging his lips down his neck.

            “Mm, hey.” Otabek yawned. “S’it seven?” He mumbled.

            “Yeah, you should get up.”

            “What’re you doing awake first?”

            “I just woke up.” Yuri shrugged. He didn’t want to worry him more.

            “Okay, will you eat breakfast for me?”

            “Yeah. I think I’m gonna try to call Grandpa again now. It’s been a little while, so maybe.”

            Otabek rolled over and nestled himself into Yuri’s chest, looking up at him. “Are you sure? Is it gonna make you sad all day if he ignores you again?”

            “I don’t know. I know he probably won’t answer, but it might make me less anxious just to know and get on with the day.”

            “Okay.” Otabek nodded, leaning up to press a kiss to his chin. “I’ll go make breakfast.”

            Yuri waited for him to get out of bed and watched him tug on his practice clothes, not being able to resist smiling when he came over and kissed his forehead.

            “Come out when you’re ready okay?”

            “I will.” Yuri watched him leave and grabbed his phone again, tapping his Grandpa’s contact photo and closing his eyes as he listened to the ring. He fully expected voicemail, but every time he called, there was that little part of him that still hoped each time that he might answer.

            “Yuratchka?”

            Yuri bolted upright in bed. “Grandpa? H-Hey, yeah it’s me. Can I please talk to you about what happened? I mean even for just a minute, I know I can-“

            “Stop calling here, Yura. I sent your old things they’ll arrive at your apartment Thursday.”

            “Huh?” Yuri’s eyes welled. “Wait, what? No, Grandpa please just listen-“

            The call ended.

            “Fucking really?” He choked, dropping his phone on the sheets next to him. Ugh he was not going to make Otabek deal with another breakdown. No fucking way. He got out of bed and blinked back the tears, getting some underwear from his duffel bag and tugging on some leggings and a red tank top. He’d borrow one of Otabek’s jackets for the cold.

            Yuri swallowed the lump in his throat and took a deep breath, blinking hard before he headed out to the dining room where Otabek had set the table.

            “Here, I know you might not be able to eat all this, but please do your best for me okay?” Otabek asked, setting a glass of orange juice in front of a plate of eggs and a bowl of oatmeal.

            Yuri’s stomach clenched. “Beka, I don’t-“

            “Babe you have to.”

            Fuck. He didn’t want to keep making things difficult for Otabek. “Okay.” He sat down and grimaced at the eggs on his plate. He used to love Otabek’s eggs. He knew just how Yuri liked them and always did it just right, but he felt so nauseous after that phone call. His Grandpa really was done with him after an entire childhood of being each other’s only family.

            Otabek kissed the top of his head and pulled a chair up next to him with his own plate of eggs. “Just do your best, Babe.”

            Yuri took a deep breath and held his nose, shoveling in four large bites of the eggs to get most of it in and forcing himself to swallow before he chased it with a gulp of orange juice, panting when he leaned back in the chair.

            “Jesus, Yura.”

            “It’s the only way I can get all this down, Beka. I’m sorry, I just feel like shit.” Yuri sighed, holding his head in his hands. “You know it’s not your food right?”

            “I know.” Otabek reached over and rubbed his back. “Try to get a few more bites down and I’ll leave you alone.”

            Yuri nodded and went to shovel in more, but his stomach heaved and his mouth went dry. He jumped up out of his chair and scrambled to get to the sink before he vomited, the bile burning his throat as tears filled his eyes, stomach clenched.

            “Holy shit.” Otabek ran after him and grabbed his hair, holding it out of the way as he spit up what was left, rubbing his back to help comfort him. “Done?”

            “Yeah.” Yuri croaked, still hunched over the sink as Otabek pulled away to get him a glass of water. “Please don’t make me eat any more.”

            “Not right now.” Otabek agreed as Yuri took the glass and gulped half of it down. “Do you want to go back to bed for a little?”

            “No way, I want to practice.”

            “But-“

            “Beka seriously. I’m going.”

            “Okay.” He shrunk back a little bit. “We should go now anyways.”

            Yuri’s shoulders slumped and he turned into him, pressing a kiss to Otabek’s jaw. “Sorry. I’m gonna go get our stuff.”

            “No, no, I got it. The ride will be here in like five minutes, just get your shoes on and wait for me.” Otabek kissed his forehead and went to go get their things together, leaving Yuri by the sink.

            Ugh, he definitely wasn’t going to be able to eat anything else for a while. He hoped he’d be able to practice without fainting or anything.

            Otabek came with their stuff and they headed down, sitting close together for the ride there with Otabek’s hand subtly rubbing Yuri’s stomach.

            “Don’t overdo it okay?” Otabek said when they got to the rink, waiting for Yuri to finish lacing up his skates before leaning over and kissing his cheek. “Is your stomach okay?”

            “Yeah.” Yuri sighed. He felt guilty for not telling Otabek what had happened, but he didn’t want to cause more drama at practice. “Sorry for trying to do breakfast like that I thought it’d help.”

            “You don’t have to apologize. I just want to make sure you’re okay.” Otabek reached over and rubbed his back. “If you want to take a break later we can go to the dance room and work on some stuff.”

            “That’d be nice. I still haven’t given you my yoga lesson.” Yuri smiled and stood up, offering his hand to Otabek to try and put his mind at ease. “Can I help you with your spins?”

            “Yeah.” Otabek grinned back at him and stood up in his skates, lacing his fingers through Yuri’s. “Let’s go, I need help on my doughnut.”

            Yuri’s heart warmed seeing him smile like that and they stepped onto the ice together, skating past where Yakov was instructing Mila to center ice where they had the most room. “Here show me how you’re trying to do it.”

            Otabek nodded and backed up to get some momentum before he turned into a camel spin. He had great speed in the basic position, but when he reached back to grab his skate and turn into a doughnut, he slowed down and started to wobble a bit until he just turned out of it and stood up. “It’s pretty sad.”

            “A tiny bit.” Yuri shrugged. “It’s your flexibility.”

            “Really? I can reach my foot and all.”

            “Yeah, but you’re not getting it close enough to your head and you’re not really getting that ninety degree angle with your hip and your thigh.” Yuri skated up to him and put a hand on Otabek’s hip, running his hand over it a little through the gray practice leggings Otabek had on. “I can help you loosen it up, but if you want to get that spin by competition, you’ll have to really work on your flexibility every day.”

            “Will you do it with me? I mean since you’re at my place and all.”

            “Yeah.” Yuri smiled. “Potya likes to jump on my back when I do Yoga though, so we might have to shut her in the bathroom.”

            “Well do you want to warm up a bit and just go to the dance studio?”

            “Sure.” Yuri stretched his arms out and backed up a little. “Race me around the rink a few times?”

            “You’ll lose, Plisetsky.”

            Yuri raised an eyebrow and Otabek stepped forward to kiss him while Otabek’s back was turned. For a moment, he really forgot about the phone call. He raced Otabek for a few laps, laughing as they traded the lead, Yuri cutting him off on the inside edge just to tease him a little until they felt warm and stepped back off the ice to head to the studio space.

            “Yakov, we’re going to the dance studio for a little!” Yuri called out as they stepped off the ice, Yakov sighing in response.

            “I won’t check on you.”

            Otabek laughed a little at that and Yuri unlaced and tugged his skates off, waiting for Otabek to do the same before they headed off. The studio spaces at the rink were one of Yuri’s favorite perks. It helped him keep up with his ballet skills and not let his flexibility wane. He hadn’t been in much since Otabek came to Russia though, not wanting to miss out on time with him on the ice.

            Yuri shut the door behind him and ignored the ache in his stomach as he stepped onto the wood, spinning around on one foot a few times before kicking his leg up on the highest balance bar. “You need to work on your hips the most for the spin you’re trying to do. You should start by dropping into a split.”

            “Uhh…”

            “What?”

            “I can’t do one?” Otabek winced. “You knew that.”

            “I did _not_ know that.” Yuri said with wide eyes. “Beka.”

            “I’m a jumper, I never really had to.” He shrugged.

            “ _Beka_.”

            “Sorry.” Otabek laughed walking up closer and dropping down to go as low as he could. He wasn’t far off from a split, just a few inches from the floor, but he was definitely at his limit. He sat back down with his legs spread and scootched back a bit. “Help me out?”

            “I can’t believe Yakov let this happen.” Yuri sighed, taking his leg down and kneeling in front of him. “Keep your legs out and lie down.”

            Otabek laid back, legs spread for Yuri to sit between.

            “Okay, so I’m gonna take your ankles and lift your legs and we’re just gonna deep pulse them.” Yuri put his hands on Otabek’s ankles to lift his legs and they both laughed a little at the positioning before Yuri pushed his ankles down and started to pulse it. “You should feel that in your inner thighs the most, yeah?”

            “Yeah.” Otabek winced. “Geeze.”

            “Don’t let me actually hurt you.”

            “No, it’s good. It’s just a stretch.”

            “Okay, that’s where it should be.” Yuri brought his hands down to Otabek’s knees and blushing a little when he noticed the bulge in the leggings. “You should um, try to sit up as straight as you can with your legs still up.”

            “Oh shit.” Otabek laughed, planting his hands on the floor and pushing himself up. “Ow, that’s really hard.”

            “Yeah?” Yuri glanced at him and felt himself blush more at how close Otabek’s face was to his now. His eyes were all shiny and he kept looking right at him. “Why are you looking at me like that?”

            “You’re just so incredible at this stuff.” Otabek rested his legs on the floor, still leaving them open with Yuri between his thighs. He laid back on the floor and stretched his arms out too, sighing. “I don’t know how you do it.”

            “It just takes practice.”

            “I’m already sore.”

            “You’ve been doing this for like a minute.” Yuri rolled his eyes and crawled over him just to raise his eyebrows. “You know you should probably spend at least an hour a day on this stuff.”

            “Will you keep helping me?” Otabek reached up and touched his cheek.

            “I mean, yeah. I don’t mind.”

            “Could you kiss me right now? I just love seeing you move and when you help me, I get kind of mushy and stuff.” Otabek’s face flushed a little.

            Yuri laughed a little then bent down to kiss him, keeping his lips closed at first until Otabek’s hand came up to the back of his head. The feeling of his fingers running through his hair just made him press closer and Yuri opened his mouth, inviting in Otabek’s tongue and suddenly the kiss turned hungry.

            “Yura.” Otabek breathed against his mouth, kissing him again and sucking his lower lip into his mouth, nibbling until Yuri whined against him and they intertwined their tongues again.

            Yuri relaxed on top of him and just laid down, letting Otabek touch his hair and stroke down his back until his hand landed on his ass.

            “Yuri?”

            “Yeah?”

            “I want you to fuck me.” Otabek breathed, pressing their foreheads together. “Really bad.”

            “R-Right here?” Yuri asked, his eyes going wide.

            “The door locks.” Otabek turned his head and dragged his mouth down Yuri’s jaw. “No one will come check on us. There’s lube in my duffel bag if you want to run out and grab it.” He pulled back a little and looked at him, his face burning red and his hair messy from Yuri’s hands. “We don’t have to. I know you’ve never done that before.” Otabek looked at him with big wanting eyes and for once, Yuri got to relish in how aroused he looked.

            Could they get away with having sex in the dance studio? There weren’t any windows and Yakov definitely wouldn’t come check on them unless they stayed like two hours or longer. He didn’t know about fucking Otabek though. He was so much smaller than him. “I don’t know if I’ll be good at it.”

            “You will be. There’s not a long of wrong ways.” Otabek leaned in and gave him another wet kiss. “Do you want to?”

            “I think so.” Yuri blushed. “Never tell anyone we did this.”

            “I don’t want people to know we fucked in here either.” Otabek laughed, holding Yuri’s face in his hands. “I’ll put the mat down.”

            “Lilia would have an aneurysm.”

            “Don’t talk about Lilia while I have a boner.”

            Yuri rolled his eyes and smacked a kiss against Otabek’s nose just because he wanted to before he pulled away and stood up, taking a deep breath and tugging his shirt down a little before he snuck out of the room. He walked back out, close to the ice, and made sure that Yakov’s back was turned when he dashed to grab Otabek’s duffel bag. He snatched it as fast as he could and rushed back out of sight, running to the dance room and locking the door behind him.

            “Hey.” Otabek smiled, sitting on the blue plastic mat with his legs folded and his hair fucked up.

            Yuri’s heart actually melted. He just looked so eager and happy to see him, his face flushed with arousal. He hadn’t really seen Otabek looking so desperate before. It was kind of adorable. He walked up and set the duffel bag down, his mouth watering a little as he watched Otabek rifle through the bag for the lube.

            “It’s cotton candy flavored, don’t laugh at me.”

            “That’s really gay, Beka. Even for us.”

            “You’ll like it.” Otabek smiled, taking out a small bottle that looked like hand sanitizer. “I don’t have any condoms, are you okay with that?”

            “We’ve done it before.” Yuri shrugged. “I can’t believe we’re at a point where we can get away with straight up fucking in the ice rink.”

            “Literally no one will even notice.” Otabek laughed, pushing the bag off of the mat and tugging his shirt over his head, tossing it to the floor next to him and still looking up at Yuri with that soft smile and those bright eyes. “It really drives me crazy when you do your flexibility stuff.”

            “Really? I mean, it’s kind of girly.”

            Otabek shook his head. “No way. I love watching you move.” He reached up for Yuri’s hand and pulled him forward a little. “Can I see you naked?”

            “Haven’t you seen that a lot lately?”

            “I want to really look.” Otabek leaned up and kissed the back of his hand. “Worst case scenario right now is someone knocks. We should be okay.”

            “Okay.” Yuri smiled, blushing a little at Otabek wanting to see him so much. The mirrors made him a little self conscious, as did the tense feeling in the stomach, but he slipped out of his shirt and pushed down his leggings, kicking everything to the side so he was just in a thong.

            Otabek got up on his knees and wrapped his arms around Yuri’s thighs, kissing his abs and down to his abdomen.

            “Beka.” Yuri blushed, putting his hands on Otabek’s shoulders.

            “Shh, you’re so beautiful right here.” Otabek worked his mouth down until he was at Yuri’s bulge and kissed him through the material of his underwear, sliding his hands up his thighs to his hips to hook his fingers around the waistband. “Can I take this off?”

            “Yeah.” Yuri breathed, letting one hand push into Otabek’s hair as he pulled the thong down and let it fall at his ankles.

            “Come here.” Otabek whispered, kissing his v-line before dragging his lips over Yuri’s cock, one hand coming up to the small of his back to hold him steady while he teased.

            “Oh fuck.” Yuri whimpered. “Beka.”

            Otabek swirled his tongue around his tip then took him fully in his mouth, relaxing his throat and moving his hand down to Yuri’s ass as he bobbed back and forth.

            Yuri was grateful for how active they’d been lately, so he wasn’t as trigger happy as before. Otabek’s mouth welt amazing as always, warm, and wet, with his tongue stroking the underside of his cock.

            Otabek pulled back with shiny lips and pushed down his leggings along with anything underneath them, wrapping one hand around himself and taking Yuri’s with the other to kiss his palm.

            Yuri could have cum at the sight, but he shut his eyes and took a deep breath before kneeling down in front of him and leaning in. He’d gotten a little more capable of taking the lead lately, so he pressed his lips against Otabek’s and prodded his tongue into his mouth.

            Otabek complied the moment their lips touched and sat back, letting Yuri finish stripping him before he laughed and laid back on the mat, red-faced. “It’s been forever since someone’s done this to me, so be patient.”

            Yuri nodded and knelt between Otabek’s legs on the mat, his heart pounding as he took the lube and flicked it open. “Beka, this shit is pink.”

            “Leave it alone, it smells nice.”

            “I guess.” He laughed as he poured some on his fingers and moved a little closer. “So um… I should just do it like you do to me, right?”

            “Right.” Otabek opened his legs a little more and Yuri took another deep breath.

            Yuri did his best not to make him feel any pain. He used a little too much lube and put his fingers in one at a time, trying to move them around like Otabek always did, making sure to give his prostate some extra love until Otabek’s breath started to get heavy and Yuri’s erection started to ache from the lack of attention. “Do you feel ready?”

            “Yeah.” Otabek breathed. “You?”

            “Don’t laugh at me.”

            “I would never laugh at you for this.”

            Yuri swallowed and moved forward to crawl over him, bending down for a moment to kiss him before starting. Whenever he was nervous, kissing always made him feel better. Maybe it was from that first time when Yuri had been kind of scared to see him, so they kissed while Otabek undid his zipper and it had killed the nervousness. Yuri lapped at his tongue and felt the warmth of Otabek’s chest against his own before he lifted up and reached down to align himself with his entrance, shivering when his tip pressed against him.

            “You can go.” Otabek whispered, propping himself up on his elbows.

            Yuri bit his lip and started to push inside, watching Otabek’s face for any signs of discomfort as he gradually moved forward.

            “That’s really good.” Otabek breathed. “Go all the way in.”

            Yuri did and shivered, shutting his eyes as he felt Otabek’s muscles tense around him. “Holy shit.”

            “Yeah?”

            “Yeah.” He nodded. “That feels good.”

            “You can move if you want.”

            Yuri rolled his hips a little to give him a chance to adjust then started to gently rock back and forth, his mouth falling open as he found a rhythm and Otabek’s arms wrapped around him. “Beka.”

            “Yura.” Otabek answered, his eyes shut and his face still red as he squirmed a little under him. “You feel so fucking good.”

            Yuri shifted the angle a little to try and aim higher and Otabek gasped, one hand scraping down Yuri’s back.

            “ _Right there_.” Otabek whimpered, his voice going higher and breathier than Yuri had ever heard it before. “Yura.”

            He felt so tight and warm around him, Yuri had to bite his tongue hard to keep from making noise, or from letting himself cum too soon. He had the sense to reach down and take Otabek’s cock in his hand and Otabek let out a moan that nearly gave Yuri a heart attack.

            “Beka, shhh.” Yuri half laughed. “You’re gonna get us caught.”

            “I know, I know, but fuuuuck. Yuri.” Otabek whined, hitching one leg up on Yuri’s hip. “Yura, you’re right on my spot, keep going.”

            Yuri rolled his hips and bit his lip when Otabek gasped under him. Shit, this didn’t feel girly at all. This felt like he was in control and, for once, he was dominant. He snapped his hips and relished in the whimpers that fell from Otabek’s lips, glancing up to see himself in the mirror. That was no fucking girly boy. That was someone with a six pack pounding someone into the floor _._ That was someone with power. That was _him_.

            “Yura!” Otabek gasped again and clamped a hand over his mouth, moaning against it as he spilled into Yuri’s fist.

            The moment Yuri’s hand turned wet, he looked back down at Otabek’s face. The disheveled look of his usually dominant boyfriend, the way his chest glistened with a thin layer of sweat, the look of uncontrollable arousal on his face. Yuri bucked his hips and came deep inside him, realizing too late that he should have pulled out, but still gasping his way through the orgasm as his hand went slack on Otabek’s finished cock and Otabek leaned up to kiss his neck through the process.

            “You’re incredible.” Otabek whispered, nibbling on his ear a little. “I love you so much more every single time we do something new. You’re fucking fantastic at this.”

            “Are you just saying that?” Yuri asked as he pulled out and looked down at the mess they’d made.

            “Not even.” Otabek sat himself up and shook his head. “Guys never listen to me. They get on top and they just think about themselves, but you made me feel so good just now. You seemed so in tune to my signals and everything, I just… Wow.” He laughed. “Babe, that was the orgasm of my life.”

            “I mean, it felt really good.” Yuri smiled, blushing a little as he stood up. There was a roll of paper towels in the corner along with some spray cleaner for cleaning up the mats, so he grabbed both and brought them to Otabek, taking a few paper towels for himself before tossing him the roll. “Can we hit the showers after this? We can get back on the ice after, but we definitely look like we just fucked.”

            “Yeah, we’re pretty obvious.” Otabek said, cleaning himself off and taking a look in the mirror. He got off the mat and started to get redressed while Yuri sprayed it and wiped it down, tugging his underwear and leggings back on before he put it away in the corner of the room by the sound system.

            Yuri slipped back into his shirt while Otabek did the same and grabbed his duffel bag. “If anyone sees us, we just worked up a sweat doing yoga.”

            “Okay.” Otabek laughed a little and gave Yuri’s ass a pinch just to tease him on his way towards the door.

            They walked together out of the studio and towards the locker rooms, slipping in together and shutting the door behind them to go straight to the shower stalls.

            Yuri’s stomach didn’t ache anymore as they stripped down again and got into the middle stall, Otabek turning on the hot water and Yuri pressing up close to his chest so they could both fit under the nozzle. “Mm.” He sighed once the water heated up all the way, Otabek’s hand stroking down his back as they both came down from what they’d just done. “Beka?”

            “Yeah?” He asked in that dreamy post-sex voice he always got. He sounded sleepy and so lovey dovey that Yuri always just melted right into him when he used it. “What’s up?”

            “Grandpa answered me this morning. He’s sending my stuff.”

            “Oh shit.” Otabek pulled back and put his hands on Yuri’s shoulders. “Is that why you were puking?”

            “Yeah.” Yuri grimaced. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you, I just felt like shit and I didn’t want you to worry.”

            “Babe, the whole reason you’re staying with me is so I can take care of you. You have to talk to me.” Otabek pulled him right back in to a hug and sighed. “I’m really sorry, Yuri.”

            Yuri just shrugged and hugged him back, closing his eyes and feeling the warmth.

            “Are you okay?”

            “Are you really fine with me staying with you for so long?”

            “Of course. I love having you around.” Otabek smiled, kissing the top of his head. “You can stay as long as you want to.”

            “Okay… It’s been helping.”

            “Good, Baby.” Otabek murmured, nuzzling his nose against Yuri’s damp hair. “That’s what I’m here for.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> gonna be more frequent with updates from now on!!


	11. Chapter Eleven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this chapter isn't too eventful plotwise, but because of that I'm going to get the next chapter up on Saturday! Make sure to subscribe!!

Yuri was able to eat a little easier and had a proper lunch before they went back to practice, but his heart was still a little heavy. Seeing himself on top had helped. He felt better about himself, a little more confident. The phone call was just making it hard, so he stuck close to Otabek.

            At night, he went to bed early to try and sleep off some of the heaviness, but he didn’t relax until Otabek slid in next to him and Yuri could curl up with his head on his chest.

            “You good?” Otabek asked, tugging the comforter up enough to cover his shoulders.

            “Hold me please.” Yuri said in a quiet voice, shutting his eyes and holding on to him. “Warm.”

            Otabek sighed and hugged him close, kissing his forehead. “You feeling any better?”

            “I was earlier, but not now.”

            “Okay. We’ll work through it.”

            “Can you come to my apartment after practice tomorrow so we can take my stuff inside? It’ll probably be there by then.”

            “Sure, Yura.” Otabek cooed, giving him a squeeze. “Want me to watch your program run through tomorrow? The season’s almost here, we should find anything we want to change.”

            “Yeah, I’ll watch yours too.” Yuri nuzzled his cheek against Otabek’s chest. “I really liked going on top. It made me feel a little less insecure.”

            “Yeah? If you like doing that better, you can top me whenever you want. I don’t mind at all.”

            “I don’t know because I really like it when you fuck me too, I just feel kind of like a girl when we do it like that.”

            “You know there’s nothing wrong with being feminine right?”

            “I know, I’m not sexist or anything. I just don’t like feeling that way.”

            “Well however you feel comfortable having sex is how we’ll do it.” Otabek rubbed his back some more to soothe him and Yuri relished in the touch.

            “Thanks, Beka.”

            “Get some sleep okay? You need to rest.”

            Yuri gave a weak nod and shut his eyes. “I’ll do my best to eat in the morning.”

            “Thanks, Yuri.” Otabek smiled, stilling his hand so it wouldn’t keep Yuri awake. “Wake me up if you need anything.”

**

            Breakfast in the morning was a no-go. Yuri did his best to choke it down, but he was incredibly anxious and after a few bites, he felt so nauseous that he couldn’t even look at his plate. Otabek gave up at that point and they took the bike to practice, Yuri’s heart heavy from knowing he’d made him worried and probably disappointed. They were a little late too from how long he’d taken to try and eat something.

            They headed in together, trying to slip in quietly, but when they walked inside, Yakov, Mila, and Georgi were gathered with Victor and Yuuri in the lobby.

            “Is something up with the ice?” Yuri frowned, heading over. It wasn’t like everyone to hang out during practice time. Maybe the Zamboni guy was late.

            Yakov stepped aside to reveal Victor hugging a teary-eyed Yuuri, cooing to him as he hiccupped and wiped his eyes.

            “Holy shit what happened?” Otabek blinked. “Yuuri, are you okay?”

            “Y-Yeah. Sorry, shit, we really didn’t want you guys to see this.” Yuuri sniffled. “U-Um, someone threw a rock through the window of our apartment this morning. We thought we’d come to practice anyways and try to forget about it, but I’m kind of a mess.”

            “It’s okay, Baby. It was scary.” Victor cooed, squeezing his shoulder and kissing his temple.

            Yuri’s face paled. “Was it a gay thing?”

            “Kind of.” Victor grimaced.

            “I-Is that gonna happen to us?” Yuri swallowed, looking over at Otabek with wide eyes.

            “No, Yuri. Don’t get freaked out.”

            “W-Why wouldn’t it happen to us if we came out?” Yuri’s stomach tightened. “Is this what happens you guys all the time?”

            “Yuri.” Victor sighed. “Look, it’s just because of where we live. I-I get away with being gay here because I represent the country and the Olympics and Worlds and so the government doesn’t care. It’ll be the same for you, but I’ve been around longer, I’ve been more outspoken. That makes us a target. It won’t be that way for you guys.”

            “Shit, Yuri I’m sorry.” Yuuri sniffled. “I didn’t want to scare you guys. Really, it won’t be like this for you.”

            “Babe, don’t worry about stuff like this. We’re not even out to the public.” Otabek said, taking Yuri’s trembling hand in his and squeezing.

            “Let’s not dwell on this the whole day. You boys get out on the ice.” Yakov said, glancing over at Otabek and Yuri before cocking his head towards the ice.

            Otabek nodded and lead Yuri away, threading their fingers together. “Don’t think too much about it. Let’s just practice, yeah?”

            “Aren’t you freaked out?”

            “A little bit, but you have to remember that they’re a different case than us. Victor’s been out for a really long time. He’s always been a target. It’s because he’s outspoken and flamboyant, that doesn’t have to be us even if we come out.”

            Yuri shuddered. No wonder his Grandpa didn’t want to be associated with him. He’d be treated like shit too. “Let’s just practice. Do you mind if I do my run throughs first?”

            “Of course not.” Otabek shrugged, leaning in to give him a kiss on the cheek. “Talk to me if you’re feeling bad, okay?”

            “I feel like shit, we’re just gonna have to deal today.”

            “Can I do anything?”

            Yuri shook his head. “Let’s just try and get some work done.”

            Otabek nodded and they took some time to get their skates on before heading to the ice. Yuri took to the center and Otabek hopped up on the barrier with his legs dangling over the ice, taking the sound system remote, so he could control Yuri’s music. “Ready?” He called and Yuri gave a thumbs up before taking his starting position.

            He really loved his short program. For a long time he’d wanted to do something more similar to Otabek, but with the same balletic choreography that he was so known for. He’d chosen a guitar instrumental, something slow and heavy that he could really move to. Yuri waited for Otabek to start his music then took a deep breath and moved into his choreography.

            Everything went blank in that run through. His body knew just what to do and his mind went quiet as he let his focus shift on to the music. He wasn’t warmed up yet, so he did only triples, but he landed all of them with ease. He tried the new spin and smiled when he brought his leg all the way up and stayed balanced. He ended the program after a sit spin, kneeling on the ice with one leg extended out to the side, his arms hugging himself as the music stopped. Shit, that had felt good. He’d been working so much on the individual elements lately that he forgot how amazing the program was.

            Yuri pushed himself up and skated back to Otabek, his cheeks a little pink. “What do you think?”

            “Yura, that was… Shit, this is your best program ever.” Otabek breathed, letting Yuri skate up and stand between his knees. “I mean holy shit.”

            “Really?”

            Otabek put his hands on Yuri’s waist to slide him closer and turned his head to kiss him. “I love you.”

            “Beka.” Yuri laughed.

            “Seriously. You have no idea how it feels to watch you skate, I mean, you’re the most beautiful person I’ve ever met.” Otabek nuzzled their noses together. “You inspire me every day.”

            “I do feel a little better after that.” Yuri sighed. “Thanks for being so sweet. Can I watch yours?”

            “Yeah, but it’s a little rustier than yours.”

            “That’s okay, I want to see the whole thing.”

            “Okay.” Otabek smiled, giving him another quick kiss on the cheek. “Don’t judge me too much. There’s still a lot to work on.”

            “It’s fine, let me see it.” Yuri hopped up on the barrier and cocked his head towards the ice. “I’ll do your music.”

            “Alright.” Otabek took a deep breath and moved away to take center ice, waiting for Yuri to start his music before he started. This season, his short program was set to “Sweet Dreams,” by Eurythmics and Yuri couldn’t believe how he ever thought Otabek was straight.

            He moved with a little uncertainty through his opening choreography and landed his first triple lutz, stumbling a tiny bit on his connecting steps, but Yuri still adored how he moved. Otabek always took a long time to really come into his own with a new program and Yuri loved watching his process. It was cute to see someone as strong as Otabek stumble a little bit because Yuri knew how good he really was.

            Otabek rotated into a camel, then a doughnut spin, but wobbled on his change of edge and came out of it, sighing and putting his hands on his hips as he stood in the same place he’d started, waving his hand for Yuri to stop the music.

            “What’s wrong?” Yuri frowned, pressing pause while Otabek skated up to stand between his knees. Otabek’s eyebrows were all pushed together and his face seemed flushed. “Hey, you always take a while to warm up to a new routine.”

            “Do you like the program?” Otabek sighed.

            “Of course I do. It’s so you.”

            “I just…” Otabek bit his lip. “I don’t know, when I’m doing it, it feels lame. Like you’re doing this Olympic gold medal level shit and I’m just kind of trying to keep up?”

            “Huh?” Yuri raised his eyebrows. “Beka, this is an awesome program. I’m the one who’s mimicking you this season with the music and all. It’s like my favorite you’ve ever worked on, you just need to practice the choreography. That’s always the final issue to clean up for you.”

            Otabek shrugged his shoulders. “I don’t know, I’m just not feeling it yet.”

            “You will.” Yuri blushed a little and glanced around before pulling him in to a hug. “Beka, you’re gonna be amazing this season. Don’t lose your confidence, that’s my department.”

            “Aw.” Otabek laughed, hugging him back. “You’re really sweet nowadays.”

            “You know I’d still sword fight Victor if I could right?”

            “I know, Baby.” He pressed his lips to Yuri’s cheek and gave him a squeeze. “Can you help me smooth out the choreography a little today? Not for all of practice, but you know.”

            “Sure, Beka.” With all Otabek did for him, it felt nice to be able to help.

            Yuri managed to get his mind off of things for a little. He focused on Otabek and guided him through his movements, helping him get his full extension. Being close to him and keeping busy really eased his anxiety. Sometimes his mind would flick back to that look on Yuuri’s face, but he shook it off. Seeing Otabek feeling insecure made it easier to put his own worries aside.

            They took a yoga break in the dance studio after a little while and Yuri spent an hour coaxing Otabek into new positions to stretch him out. It felt good to laugh a little. Otabek struggled a bit and it was funny how easy it was for Yuri to drop into crazy positions while he had problems even getting halfway there.

            Then they got back on the ice, Yuri felt fine again. Yuuri and Victor were laughing, Otabek was by his side. He could breathe like a normal person.

            Yuri turned around and skated backwards, Otabek a foot ahead of him. He shut his eyes for a moment, just trying to feel the cold and let himself relax, but in that short moment, Otabek crossed over behind him and he went tumbling back.

            “ _Shit!”_ He swore on his way down, twisting his body to try and catch himself, but only succeeding in jamming his knee straight into the ice. “Fuck! Are you serious?!” Yuri swore as he sat on the ice and clutched at his knee. Shit, shit, shit. He couldn’t be injured.

            “Holy shit, Yuri I’m so sorry. I-I didn’t realize you were… I-I didn’t see.” Otabek stuttered, skidding to a hault and rushing to kneel down next to him. “Is it bad?”

            Yuri didn’t mean to push him away, but shit, with everything going on, he wasn’t in the headspace to be calm and collected. That fall had hurt like a bitch and it seemed like his knee might actually be hurt. It made him fucking furious. Couldn’t anything ever go right for him anymore? “Watch where the fuck you’re going.” He snapped as he yanked up his legging to try and assess the damage. “What the hell, Beka?”

            “I’m so sorry.” Otabek gulped and Yuri heard that tone in his voice, like he was holding back tears, but it didn’t tug on his heart strings like it usually did.

            When Yuri got the black fabric up above his knee, he could see that it was swollen and red.

            “Is it okay?”

            Yakov came skating up to the two of them and stopped right before Yuri, a glare on his face. “Yuratchka, what happened?”

            “I fucking tripped over Otabek, I didn’t see him.” Yuri huffed as he looked at the damage.

            “Otabek, why were you close enough for that to happen?” Yakov barked.

            “I-It was an accident.” Otabek stammered, his voice wobbling.

            “Get him home and ice it right now.” Yakov sighed, already turning to skate away.

            “A-Are you okay to come back to my place? I’ll take care of you.” Otabek said and Yuri winced at the concern in his voice. He didn’t need to be taken care of.

            “Maybe I should check back on my own apartment.” Yuri muttered, carefully pulling the material of his leggings back down over the injury.

            “Really?” Otabek _really_ sounded like he wanted to cry then. “Yuri, no. You won’t eat if I’m not there.”

            “So what?”

            “So I can’t sleep at night when I don’t know if you’re okay or not.”

            “Then you should have watched where you were going.”

            “You were skating with your eyes closed!” Otabek exclaimed, his hands flying up to his temples as he gritted his teeth. “I-It’s still my fault, but please at least let me take you home. I-I hate myself for hurting you.”

            Yuri took a deep breath and tried to soften himself a little bit. He wasn’t trying to make Otabek cry, he was just… Frustrated. He held his hand out and Otabek took it immediately to pull him up, hugging him the moment he was on his feet.

            “I’m sorry.” He croaked, squeezing Yuri gently for just a moment before letting go. “Let’s get our shoes and I’ll get you home.”

            Yuri wondered if Otabek thought of his apartment as their home at this point, or if he meant his own. “Okay.” He kept his mouth shut to keep himself from saying anything mean, or dumb and followed Otabek off the ice, wincing when he put weight on his right leg.

            They changed pretty fast and headed home in silence, Yuri’s grip on Otabek’s waist looser than usual as they rode the bike back home. He knew he was being kind of a dick to Otabek. He should have been paying attention to where he was going, but he couldn’t bring himself to speak up and tell Otabek it was okay or anything because it wasn’t. Nothing could go right for him.

            Yuri could tell how hard Otabek was trying to make it up. He carried all of his things for him and put Yuri on his back to get him upstairs despite several insistences that he could make it.

            Otabek set him down on the couch inside and put a pillow on the coffee table, so Yuri could prop his leg up. He grabbed the spare blanket from the closet for him, put on the horror channel that always played the zombie movies Yuri liked and made a cup of the diet tea he’d been drinking just to get something in his stomach. It was one of the few things he’d always take without protest and he drank it along with some Tylenol for the knee. Yuri’s heart started to feel pretty heavy seeing how doting Otabek was.

            “Do you need anything else?” Otabek asked once Yuri was set up on the couch.

            “No, I’m all good. Thank you.” Yuri said, looking down at his lap to avoid how sad his eyes looked.

            “O-Okay um, would you mind if I hopped in the shower? I’ll be fast.”

            “You’re fine. Go ahead.”

            Otabek bent down and kissed his forehead, lingering for a moment before he walked off.

            Shit, Yuri was being an asshole. Otabek hadn’t done anything wrong, Yuri was just upset and taking it out on him.

            He waited for a minute, wondering if Otabek needed some space, before he got up and headed for the bedroom. He could hear water running behind the adjoining bathroom door and walked up to knock. “Beka?” He heard the curtain pull back.

            “Do you need something? You okay?”

            “Can I come in? I-I can wait if you want.”

            “You can come in.”

            Yuri opened the door and felt his heart sink when he saw Otabek’s face peeking from around the shower curtain. Shit, he really had been crying in there. “I-I’m really sorry. It wasn’t your fault, I was just kind of pissed because everything’s going so wrong lately. I don’t think I’m even hurt that bad.”

            “It’s fine, I shouldn’t have been skating so close.” Otabek sighed and Yuri noticed how good his hair looked when it was wet. “I’m being dramatic. I just worry about you and knowing that I hurt you, or made you mad at me makes me feel like shit.”

            “Can I get in with you?”

            Otabek’s smile came back. “Yeah, come on in.” He dipped back behind the shower curtain and Yuri started to get undressed.

            The hot water might actually feel good on his knee, so Yuri was quick to peel out of his clothes and step in to the shower. Otabek looked kind of beautiful right then. He was all wet and Yuri saw him naked so often during sex that he forgot how gorgeous a casually naked Otabek was. No erection, no lust in his eyes, just vulnerability and openness. “You know your penis kind of looks cuter when it’s soft.”

            ‘Thanks?” Otabek laughed and pulled him in, holding him against his chest like always. “You’re not mad at me?”

            “No, I’m sorry for being a dick.”

            “Does it hurt?”

            “Just a little.” Yuri shrugged and leaned his head on Otabek’s shoulder, his arms wrapped around his waist. “Do you really worry so much about me not eating that you can’t sleep?”

            “Sometimes.” Otabek grimaced. “I just want you to be okay. I feel kind of responsible for a lot of shit you’re going through right now.”

            “You shouldn’t. You didn’t make me like this.” Yuri leaned up and gave him a kiss, tasting the water droplets on his lips. “You’re kind of the best part of this whole gay thing.”

            “Yeah?” Otabek smiled, nuzzling his nose against Yuri’s. “Hey, you might not be able to get on your knees for a little while. Guess I’ll just have to be the one giving the blowjobs around here.”

            “Oh my God.” Yuri snorted. “Beka.”

            “I’m not complaining.” He gave Yuri’s ass a squeeze just to make him laugh. “You’re still so cute when I give you head. Every time I do it, you act like it’s your first time.” Otabek kissed Yuri’s wet hair. “I’m sorry you had such a bad day again. Do you think you can practice tomorrow?”

            “Yeah, but we need to run back to my place and get the knee brace just to be safe. My stuff probably hasn’t gotten there from Grandpa’s yet, but we should check back in a few days.” He nuzzled his cheek on Otabek’s shoulder. “Can we just snuggle up with Potya after? I need to relax.”

            “Sure, Baby.” Otabek squeezed him. “Shit, I’m so relieved you’re not mad.”

            “Yeah, sorry about that.”

            “It’s fine. If anyone has a right to be upset these days, it’s you.”

            “Still though. I didn’t mean to make you cry.”

            “I wasn’t crying.”

            Yuri raised his eyebrows.

            “Only a little. I was worried.” Otabek blushed, hiding his face by nuzzling his nose against Yuri’s wet hair. “You really think my dick looks better like this?”

            “Eh. It looks pretty good either way. I just think you’re cute when you’re naked.” Yuri shrugged. “Geeze, can you imagine me saying that six months ago?”

            “No, but I love the confidence.” Otabek kissed the middle of his forehead. “Hey, I’m making borscht for dinner tonight, okay? Can you eat?”

            “Yeah.” Yuri nodded. He wasn’t going to cause Otabek any more strife today.

            They took their time in the shower, washing each other’s hair, making each other laugh, Yuri taking the time to be extra affectionate and put Otabek’s mind at ease.

            Otabek dried Yuri’s hair when they got out and put it in a quick braid just to be sweet before they got dressed.

            “Does Potya need anything else from your place?” Otabek asked as they got ready to head out the door, the cat winding between his ankles as he asked like she knew what they were talking about.

            “She’s good for now. We have her toys here.” Yuri bent down to kiss her little head and picked her up to set her away from Otabek’s calves. She seemed to love his legs almost as much as he did. “Can we take an Uber in case my stuff’s there and we have to carry some things?”

            “Sure, I’ll pay.” Otabek shrugged, taking his phone out to do so.

            Shit. Otabek had been doing that a lot lately. Yuri should really start contributing some, but he didn’t have much to give.

            Their ride came before too long and they headed back to Yuri’s apartment, finding the knee brace and taking some time to clean up a little before leaving it. Otabek helped him get the brace on and since Yuri’s stuff was boxed up in front of the door, they just grabbed it and went straight back home.

            Yuri pulled Otabek into the comfort fortress they’d built on the couch to snuggle up with his knee elevated. He made sure to smother Otabek in kisses and stay extra close, trying to remind him how much he loved him back even if he could be a dick sometimes. If he wasn’t worried about his knee, he’d have dragged him to bed by then, but he was more in the mood to cuddle.

            “Sometimes I feel kind of weak for needing so much, but I really like it when you take care of me.” Yuri said, half asleep on Otabek’s shoulder. “You’re just the sweetest guy. You’re so fucking nice all the time.”

            “I can’t help it with you.” Otabek kissed the top of his head. “I love you, so I kind of feel the need to take care of you all the time.”

            “I love you too.” Yuri sighed. “Can you carry me to bed?”

            “I know you’re half joking, but yes. Very much yes.”

            Yuri raised his eyebrows and watched as Otabek stood up from the couch, snickering when he bent down and picked him up. “Am I really that light?”

            “Yup.” Otabek said as he carried him off, bringing him to the bedroom door and kicking it open, so he could bring Yuri in and lay him down. “Maybe instead of yoga, I should just get to lifting you every day.”

            “Mm, I’d like that, but it wouldn’t do much for your flexibility.”

           “I do like yoga instructor Yuri.” Otabek sighed as he crawled on to the bed and laid down next to him. He reached over to tuck Yuri’s hair back behind his ear then leaned in to press a few kisses to his cheek and jaw. “I’m sorry you got hurt.”

            “It’s fine. It’ll heal fast.” Yuri rolled on to his side and tucked himself back in to Otabek. “You have that healing effect on me.”

            “Is this your way of asking me for doctor/patient role play?”

            “Shut up.” Yuri laughed, tucking his face into the crook of Otabek’s neck. “You’ve talked me in to enough kinky shit as it is.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please don't forget to subscribe and leave comments/kudos! I'll be updating this fic early with chapter 12 on Saturday to give you a little more plot development. Feel free to follow me on tumblr or Instagram at this same username to help keep up with my fics and other YOI content!!


	12. Chapter Twelve

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's a big boy folks!!

            The season was ready to start before they had time to count the days. Yuri’s Grandpa still wouldn’t speak to him, but he made an effort to call him once a week just to try. Their programs had come together perfectly, both of them prouder than ever of the routines they’d created and Yuri was eager for the Grand Prix series. They’d gotten both assignments together and they both had a chance to test out their programs in a challenger series event too.

            The only thing Yuri was dreading was the drug testing. As a top athlete, he had to get them all the time and it wasn’t like he had any issue passing, but he detested needles with a passion. Getting blood drawn was excruciating. The blood test records that were commissioned by the ISU were all public record too and he’d checked. Him, Victor, and stupid JJ were all the most tested athletes in the league. It was like for every gold medal he won, he had to get another fucking drug test.

            Two weeks before their first competition, Yuri reported to the clinic with Otabek to get the blood sample taken. Shit, he hated feeling like the damsel in distress more than anything, but he was practically shaking as they sat in the waiting room.

            “What’s wrong?” Otabek frowned, keeping his hands in his lap to keep them from falling into their habitual physical affection in public. “I didn’t give you shit for not eating this morning, but I’m worried.”

            “It’s nothing.” Yuri muttered, trying to think of anything other than the needle that was about to enter him as he picked at a tear in his jeans.

            “Yura.” Otabek scootched a little closer in his plastic chair while they waited for their names to be called. “You can’t not talk to me, it freaks me out.”

            “I just hate needles. It’s nothing.”

            “You’re this shaken up over the blood work?”

            “Yes, okay?” Yuri glared. “I hate it. I hate fucking needles and I’ve never doped once in my life, but I still have to get these stupid tests every season like a million times.”

            “Shit, I’m sorry.” Otabek grimaced. “Do you want me to hold your hand when they take yours? I don’t think we’ll get in trouble, or anything. Doctors probably see people like us pretty often.”

            “Yeah.” He sighed. “Hold my hand when they do it.”

            “Sure thing, Yura.”

            “Otabek and Yuri?” A young nurse in green scrubs asked as she stepped out of the double doors to the waiting room.

            “Right here.” Otabek answered, standing up first and following the nurse while Yuri trailed a little behind.

            They were lead into a white washed room with two padded chairs, the nurse opening a while plastic cabinet to pull out the equipment.

            Yuri took one of the seats and shuddered as she prepped two needles. He would kill to not have to go through this every season.

            “I’ll go first.” Otabek volunteered, shooting Yuri a sympathetic glance before he shrugged off his jacket and held his arm out to the nurse.

            “Oh, a brave one.” She laughed, giving him a rubber ball to squeeze before running her fingers over his forearm to find the vein. Yuri reminded himself not to be jealous of a nurse practitioner. “Keep squeezing, okay?”

            “Sure.” Otabek nodded.

            Yuri watched as she pricked his skin with the needle and flinched when she drew his blood. Otabek barely even blinked. He looked away again until she finished and put a Band-Aid over the spot.

            “Okay, all done.” The nurse said as she set aside the small glass tubes of Otabek’s sample and picked up the second needle, handing the rubber ball to

Yuri to squeeze.

            “U-Umm.” Yuri swallowed, his breath picking up as he eyed the needle.

            “Here, it’s fine.” Otabek said as he stood up and came to Yuri’s side, grabbing one of his hands and squeezing. “Just don’t look, okay?”

            Yuri’s face turned red from being affectionate in front of a stranger, but he needed that hand and he squeezed like his life depended on it. When the needle went in, he gasped and felt his face turn even redder just from the embarrassment of being such a baby.

            “You’re almost done.” Otabek cooed, running his thumb over Yuri’s hand until the nurse pulled the needle out and put the Band-Aid on.

            “You’re good to go.” The nurse said and Yuri was quick to stand up.

            “Wait, shit.” He said when his knees wobbled, grabbing on to Otabek’s arm for support.

            “You need to sit down?” Otabek asked, but Yuri shook his head.

            “I got it.”

            “You sure?”

            “Yeah.” He grimaced. “Let’s go.”

            Otabek nodded and helped him out the door, letting go of him once they reached the waiting room, but standing close in case he fell.

When they got out to Otabek’s bike, Yuri stopped and leaned against it. “Beka, I really need to relax.” He huffed. “Like really bad.”

“Shit, what can I do for you? I could give you a massage when we get back if you want?”

            Yuri shook his head. “This might be our last chance before the season starts. I really need a vacation.”

            “Oh.” Otabek blinked. “To where?”

            “Well, Grandpa’s kind of a sucker. We have a time share in Japan that he bought after I took him to visit. It’s this nice hot springs place, kind of like the one Yuuri owns, but more private. It’s like a dojo cabin and then a bigger complex that has a spa and sushi and stuff.” Yuri pushed his hair back and stood up straight, blushing as he looked to Otabek. “Do you want to go for a weekend? I have the card and stuff to go. We don’t need Grandpa’s permission. I pretty much own it too.”

            “I mean, yeah.” Otabek grinned. “I’d love that.”

            “Really?”

            “Of course.” He grabbed his helmet and hopped on to the bike. “Wanna go this weekend?”

            “Sure.” Yuri popped his helmet on and carefully climbed on to the bike behind him, hugging Otabek tight. “It’d be nice to just be super alone with you and not stress about anything. Plus, we don’t have to worry about the law or anything in Japan, so we can be affectionate in front of the staff and not worry.”

            “Sounds perfect.”

            They headed back to Otabek’s place and set up on the couch. Yuri still felt a little lightheaded, so they snuggled up with the Potya. He passed on eating lunch, but only because his stomach was queasy from the blood work. He was in love with the domesticity they were developing. Otabek’s apartment really felt like home.

            “Beka?” Yuri asked, glancing up at him from where he had his head rested on his shoulder.

            “Yeah?”

            “Do you really not mind that I’ve been kind of living here?”

            “Of course not.” Otabek smiled, pressing his lips to Yuri’s forehead. “I love that you’ve been staying here.”

            “Really?”

            “Yeah, I love having you around. I think taking a vacation together will be really nice.”

            “Okay.” Yuri’s heart warmed and he snuggled in closer, shutting his eyes. A weekend with Otabek in a hot spring spa might just cure every problem he was having.

**

            They practiced hard for a few days then packed for the trip. Yuri was over the moon to be getting some real private time to do something romantic and it felt weird thinking that way. He never thought he’d be one to pine for a romantic getaway, but when he bought the plane tickets, it felt like a weight lifted.

            The plane ride was a little stressful. It was hard to get there on time and when Yuri got flight anxiety, they couldn’t really be affectionate without him getting more anxious. Eventually, Otabek gave him his jacket and a playlist he’d made and he was able to sleep through the rest of the flight. He felt really lucky to have someone so thoughtful. Who else would make a special play list for him just to help him calm down?

            When they landed in Kurokawa, they took a cab to the hot springs and Yuri lead Otabek to the private cabin.

            The living space was gorgeous. There was a tea room with a long dining table and then the bedroom. The bed was a thin mattress on the floor, dressed with simple sheets and a duvet, the wall next to it a full glass pane, so they could see the reflecting pool just outside. Everything was wood and shit, it was just so peaceful. When they wanted the spa treatment, they just had to walk right next door and the hot springs were just outside. Two robes hung on the wall of the bedroom for them already.

            “Christ, it’ll be nice to get some peace.” Yuri sighed as he shrugged off his jacket and set down his duffel bag, Otabek opening up the closet and pushing the suitcase in. “Do you like it?”

            “Yeah, the place next door is the spa?”

            “Mhm. We can just do whatever.” Yuri took a deep breath and smiled at the view. They were completely alone. When Otabek came up behind him to rub his shoulders, he leaned back into the touch and nearly purred at how he was massaging out the tension. “Take my clothes off.”

            “Already?”

            “Yes.” Yuri said, leaning his head back so he could look up at him. “I know we’re alone in your apartment all the time, but I still worry about the neighbors suspecting something, or reporting us. Here, I’m just not worried or anything.”

            “Shit, yeah. That’s really nice.” Otabek slid his hands down Yuri’s sides and stopped at his hips, squeezing. “Sex then hot springs?”

            “Mhm.” Yuri shut his eyes.

            Otabek took the queue and started to kiss down Yuri’s neck, moving his hand over to cup him through the sweatpants he’d worn for the flight. He rubbed against the bulge with the heel of his palm and slid his other hand up Yuri’s shirt to massage his nipple.

            “Unf, bed.” Yuri mumbled, his knees a little weak at the sensation. “We brought a ton of lube right?”

            “Yup.”

            “Go get that.”

            “You got it.” Otabek smacked a kiss to Yuri’s cheek and let him go to get what they needed.

            Yuri headed towards the bed and stripped himself down, kicking his shoes off and tossing all of his clothes onto the floor. He was worried the bed might be hard because of how thin the mattress was, but when he laid down on top of it, it felt like heaven.

            Otabek was quick to get what they needed from the suitcase and came to join him, toeing his shoes off and peeling off his shirt before he pushed down his jeans. He crawled onto the mattress and advanced until he was over Yuri. “This bed is way softer than it looks.”

            “Right?” Yuri grinned, spreading his legs a little more to accommodate Otabek’s knees between them. “I love this.”

            “Me too.” Otabek smiled and bent down to give him a kiss, melding his lips right against Yuri’s to get him feeling warmed up. “Hey.”

            “Hey.” Yuri said, nuzzling his nose against Otabek.

            “Can I ask you to try something super embarrassing?” Otabek asked, his cheeks dusted pink as he pressed a few more kisses to Yuri’s cheeks. “You can say no.”

            “What is it?” Yuri frowned, reaching one hand up to run through Otabek’s hair.

            “Don’t make fun of me.”

            “I won’t.”

            “And don’t get creeped out.”

            “Beka, just say it.” Yuri laughed. “What, do you have a kink or something?”

            Otabek’s face turned bright red.

            “Oh shit, you do.”

            Otabek bit his lip and glanced off to the side.

            “Hey, I really like making you feel good.” Yuri said, propping himself up on his elbows. “If there’s something I can do that would make you happy, I’ll do it.”

            “You’re really fucking sweet. I know you don’t like being called cute and sweet and stuff, but shit. You really are.” He kissed Yuri again and they let their tongues intertwine again, staying there for another minute.

            Yuri held him close while they kissed, trying to make him feel safe and secure like Otabek always did for him before they parted. “Tell me what you want, Beka.” He whispered against his lips. “It’s just us.”

            Otabek took a deep breath and leaned his forehead against Yuri’s, looking him in the eye. “I kind of want you to call me daddy when I fuck you. Just a little.”

            Yuri’s eyebrows raised. “You’re into that?”

            “I know I’m gross, it’s not a weird roleplay thing, I-I just like how it sounds.” Otabek blushed, pulling away a little. “I kind of like saying it too. I-If you fuck me.”

            “Wow.” Yuri blinked. “I mean, shit, okay.”

            “You’re weirded out.” Otabek grimaced.

            “No, no, no. I like it.” Yuri said, cupping Otabek’s face in his hands. “Let’s try it?”

            “You don’t think I’m gross?”

            “I let you put your dick in my ass at least three times a week. I’m in no position to call you gross.”

            “Okay.” Otabek laughed. “Can I just make out with you for a minute now?”

            “Please.”

            They started to kiss again and Yuri flipped their position, pushing Otabek onto his back and laying over him. He kissed him with all the depth and passion that he wanted to, both of them grinding together as they hardened until Yuri got desperate enough to lie on his back again and spread his thighs for Otabek to prep him. It felt so good to know they were alone. He could say anything he wanted to.

            “I love you.” Yuri breathed as Otabek’s fingers stretched him, his hand wrapped around his erection to stroke himself in time with how Otabek’s fingers pulsed against his prostate. “Hh, Beka.”

            “I love you too.” Otabek whispered to him, dragging his parted lips down Yuri’s neck. “I love you so fucking much, Yura.”

            His heart skipped and Otabek moved his mouth down to his chest, sucking one nipple into his mouth and nibbling on the sensitive skin to tease him. “Nnnn.” Yuri whined when Otabek pressed on his prostate at the same time. He was already twitching and leaking pre-cum like crazy. Could he get dehydrated from being too turned on? They should start putting water next to whatever bed they used for sex.

            Yuri wanted to say that dirty word for Otabek, but he didn’t want them to get too aroused before the real sex started. His inner thighs were already wet from the lube and the pre-cum, Otabek still sucking on his chest. He wanted to say it, but not yet. “Beka, I’m ready.” He said, his voice breathier than usual. They’d gotten used to sex with each other, but being in the new setting and such a romantic one made it more exciting.

            “You sure?” Otabek asked, lifting his mouth from Yuri’s nipple and looking at him with wet lips, his hair already a mess from Yuri’s hands.

            “Mhm.” He reached for the lube beside them and poured some into his hand, slipping his hand between them to wrap it around Otabek’s neglected cock and relishing in the groan that fell from his lover’s lips. Otabek was _painfully_ hard, his dick twitching in Yuri’s hand as he stroked it to spread the lube. “You like that?”

            “Yes.” Otabek breathed, his head falling between his shoulders. “Fuck.”

            “You want to fuck me?”

            “Yes.”

            “You gonna fuck me hard?”

            Otabek shivered and Yuri took his hand away, wiping it off on the corner of the sheets and lying back. His heart was racing from even the vaguest dirty talk.

“You’re fucking gorgeous right now.” Otabek said, reaching up to grab the pillow beside Yuri. “Hips up.”

            Yuri lifted himself and let Otabek put the pillow underneath him, grinning when Otabek tugged him closer and positioned himself between his open legs. “You can go in.”

            Otabek nodded and moved closer, kneeling in front of him and holding his cock against Yuri’s ass, waiting for the last permission. “Good?”

            “Great.”

            Otabek rolled his hips and eased the tip inside, Yuri gasping when it brushed up against his spot.

He arched his back up and shivered as Otabek pressed further in, the air conditioning cool against his body as he relaxed his muscles to let him in.

“You’re so tight.” Otabek breathed and Yuri tensed himself to squeeze him. “Fuck.”

“You can fuck me. It doesn’t hurt.”

Otabek gave a weak nod and leaned over him, propping himself up with one arm and using his free hand to hitch Yuri’s thigh over his hip as he started to pump in and out. He went slow at first, like always, making sure Yuri was stretched and ready before he picked up the pace.

“Beka.” Yuri whimpered, feeling his cock fill him up with heat, his heart pounded as he anticipated saying the word he wanted to hear. “Fuck… Fuck, that’s good.” He whined, squeezing his eyes shut. “Beka, harder.”

Otabek squeezed his thigh where he was holding it up and delivered, pushing in as deep as he could go on each thrust and snapping his hips with more force than usual.

The friction on his prostate sent waves of heat up Yuri’s spine and down into his balls, his cock twitching between them as Otabek pumped in and out of him. His heart raced and he trembled, his eyes still shut when he found the nerve to start dirty talking like he’d done during foreplay. “Daddy.” Yuri groaned, tipping his head back so his hair fell past his shoulders. “Fuck me… Fuck me.” He gasped.

            “Holy shit.” Otabek huffed. “Yura.”

            “Turn over.” Yuri swallowed, his face burning red. “Let me ride you.”

            Otabek nodded and pulled out for a moment, hurrying to push all of the pillows off the bed as he moved to sit where they’d been, his back straight against the wall as Yuri moved into his lap.

            “Come here.” Yuri whispered, straddling his thighs and letting Otabek hold his cock steady as he sunk down on it. “I’m gonna make you feel really fucking good.”

            “I love you.” Otabek breathed, wrapping one arm around him to hold him close and slipping one hand down to rub his cock as Yuri rolled his hips to find a new rhythm.

            “You like when I call you daddy?” Yuri murmured as he leaned his forehead against Otabek’s.

            “Yeah.” Otabek said, his face just as red as Yuri’s even with the darkness of his skin.

            Yuri’s breath hitched as he bounced up and down in Otabek’s lap, suppressing a whimper as Otabek stroked his cock, spreading around the pre-cum to make his grip slick and squeezing him on every upstroke.

He couldn’t believe he was actually doing this. Not just the sex, but calling someone daddy and letting himself be utterly and _completely_ vulnerable and subservient. As much as he’d loved the feeling of fucking Otabek and seeing himself so dominant in the mirror, he loved this. He fucking loved it. All he had to do was let himself enjoy it instead of repressing it like he always, always fucking did.

“Fuck me, Daddy.” Yuri moaned, head tipping back again, so Otabek could suck on his neck as they moved together. “I’m yours, I’m all fucking yours.”

            Otabek stifled a moan, mumbling it against Yuri’s collar and bucked his hips up to meet with Yuri’s movements.

            “Hhh, ah!” Yuri gasped, feeling his orgasm start to swell. “Beka, Beka I’m like right fucking there.”

            “Me too, fuck.” Otabek lifted his head and they made eye contact for one perfect moment before Yuri felt himself truly approach the edge.

            “Kiss me.” He said in desperation, leaning forward just in time to taste Otabek’s tongue as he came into his fist. Yuri didn’t think he’d cum so much since that first blowjob. He spilled over Otabek’s hand, dripping onto his navel underneath him and before he was even halfway through those few seconds of ecstasy, Otabek moaned into his mouth and emptied himself inside of him. Yuri parted from the kiss and panted against his lips, feeling the warmth of Otabek’s cum inside of him as they both started to come down. He’d never relished in that feeling so much before.

            “You’re amazing.” Otabek sighed, a dopey, blissed out grin on his face as he nuzzled their noses together. “I’m so happy you feel this comfortable with me now.”

            “Yeah.” Yuri smiled back as he caught his breath. “Here, let’s uh… get you out of me.” He held Otabek’s shoulders and eased up out of his lap, sitting down next to him and tucking himself under his arm. “Bathroom’s across the hall. We should rinse off before the hot spring.”

            “In a second.” Otabek yawned, putting both arms around Yuri and squeezing. “I love you.”

            “I love you too.” Yuri said, his face warm as Otabek pressed a few kisses in to his hair. “I promise I’ll eat while we’re here and everything. I just want us to relax and the sushi here is amazing anyways.”

            “I’m just glad you feel up to eating.”

            They laid there for a minute to catch their breath then Yuri took Otabek to the bathroom. It had wood paneled walls and low light, a shower stall that fit both of them comfortably. It was romantic and perfect, letting Yuri melt right in to him. They just stayed long enough to rinse off before slipping into provided silk robes and heading outside.

            Yuri lead Otabek down the short stone path to the hot springs and let the robe fall at his ankles, sighing when he stepped down into the water and sat. “I love this.”

            “Fuck, this is really nice.” Otabek said as soon as he sunk down with him, putting his hand on Yuri’s thigh under the water. “Can I tell you something?”

            “Uh.” Yuri blinked. “Sure? What’s up?”

            “I just… I kind of have this thing and I never really told anyone about it, but you’re opening up to me so much. I don’t want to keep any secrets.”

            “What is it?” Yuri frowned. “Is everything okay?”

            “Yeah, yeah it’s from a long time ago.” Otabek moved a little closer and rested his head on Yuri’s shoulder as they soaked in the hot water. “I don’t mean to spring anything on you. I just feel like that sex was really intimate and I feel so open with you right now, you know?”

            “Yeah, Beka. You can tell me.” Yuri murmured, his heart racing a little as he put his arm around Otabek’s shoulders.

            “So you know how I told you I got around a lot in the gay scene at Almaty?”

            “Yeah.”

            “It wasn’t really all party and fun, it got kind of um… it got kind of dangerous.”

            “What do you mean?” Yuri squeezed him a little and tried to do all the comforting little things that Otabek usually did for him when he had to talk about something hard, or felt upset.

            “One time I was in this club and me and this guy had some chemistry. I was eighteen and kind of innocent a little bit, also way smaller than I am now.” Otabek took a deep breath and nuzzled his cheek against Yuri’s shoulder, their skin wet from the humidity. “He took me into the bathroom and I thought we would hook up, but I didn’t want to let someone actually um… You know, like fuck me in a bathroom stall. I would maybe do oral at the most, but he slammed me up against a wall when we were making out and when I got scared, he held me down and locked the door.”

            Yuri’s face went pale. “Holy shit, Beka were you-“

            “No.” He shook his head. “He hit my head on the wall and got my pants down, but when he tried to um… When he tried to, like, initiate, I managed to get away and get out.”

            “Jesus. I-I didn’t even know that stuff happened to guys.”

            “Wow, you really have been sheltered.” Otabek said, reaching up to tuck Yuri’s hair back behind his ears. “Not in like a weird condescending way, just… yeah, that stuff happens to guys all the time. I’ve had a lot of close calls.”

            “Geeze, Beka.” Yuri sighed, putting both arms around him and squeezing. “That sucks.”

            “I just wanted to tell you so you know how much it means to me that I feel safe with you. Like really fucking safe.” Otabek pressed a few kisses to Yuri’s neck and squeezed his thigh under the water. “I mean even though I like the bottom, it was really rare that I’d let someone do that. It takes a lot of trust for me.”

            “I don’t know why you trust me so much, but I’m glad you do.” Yuri smiled, nuzzling his nose against Otabek’s hair. “You make me feel safe too.”

            Otabek smiled back at him and sat up, curling his arms around Yuri’s waist as he leaned in to kiss him.

            They stayed like that for a while, letting the hot water lap at their skin as they shared kiss after kiss, Yuri relishing in how the tips of Otabek’s fingers pressed gently into his hips and thighs. He was just so strong, but he didn’t intimidate him. Yuri just felt protected.

            “I love this place.” Otabek whispered against Yuri’s lips between kisses. “It feels like being on our own island.”

            “Isn’t it nice having real privacy?”

            “Fuck yes.” Otabek gave him a deeper kiss and Yuri opened his mouth for him, pushing one hand up into Otabek’s hair to hold him close.

            Yuri groaned a little against him and shut his eyes to completely enjoy the kiss, letting Otabek caress him wherever he pleased, both of them stiffening a little bit, but neither one of them having the energy for more sex. They just sat together and enjoyed how it felt to hold each other in their own private paradise. “I didn’t know anyone ever hurt you like that.” Yuri murmured when they finally parted, resting his forehead against Otabek’s.

            “It’s fine.” Otabek just smiled back at him. “I have you now.”

            Yuri laughed a little just from how cheesy they were being and nuzzled their noses together, letting himself go with the warm feeling in his heart as he leaned up to kiss Otabek’s forehead. Why had he spent so long not letting anyone in? Intimacy felt amazing.

            Otabek tucked his head into the crook of Yuri’s neck and held him in the water for a while, both of them shutting their eyes and just feeling one another.

Yuri couldn’t believe he’d finally gotten to the point where he could be naked with Otabek and not be painfully hard. They could just be vulnerable and it didn’t have to be sexual.

            “I’m glad you’re healing, Yura.” Otabek murmured, squeezing him a little tighter. “You mean the world to me. I don’t want you to have to hurt anymore.”

            “I want to be happy with you.” Yuri sighed. “I’m getting there.”

            “Are you happy right now?”

            “Insanely happy.” Yuri smiled.

            They soaked for a little while longer until they started to get tired and a little hungry. Otabek got out first just so he could help Yuri up and they both slipped back in to their robes to head back to the bedroom.

            Yuri slid open the paper door and yawned as they walked into the foyer, about to head for the bedroom when he heard the front door creak.

            “Is someone here?” Otabek frowned. “Is there like room service or something.”

            “N-No, the staff stays in the spa building unless we call someone. The only other person who has access to this is-“

            “What are you doing here?” Nikolai asked, deadpan as he stood in the now open doorway, suitcase by his side. His gaze drifted from Yuri to Otabek and he grimaced, shaking his head and taking the handle of his suitcase. “I’ll take the first flight back. I’m taking your name off the timeshare when I get home.”

            “Grandpa, wait. Please?” Yuri croaked, shaking like a leaf as he stepped forward. The cold from his wet hair sure didn’t help. “Please talk to me. Y-You haven’t talked to me at all since you walked in at the rink a-and I don’t think you understood what was really going on.”

            “You’re in a relationship with that boy?” Nikolai said, cocking his head towards Otabek who turned bright red in an instant.

            “Yes.” Yuri swallowed. “I-I am, but-“

            “Then what am I missing here?”

            “Grandpa, I can’t help it.” He croaked, tears welling in his eyes as he tried to keep his voice from cracking. His throat ached as he tried to swallow the lump. “I-I can’t. I tried so hard not to be like this. I tried so fucking hard, but it’s something I was born with a-and I can’t control. I-I don’t have Mom, or Dad. You’re my only family, are you really cutting me off entirely?”

            “Yuratchka, you choose your actions. I don’t care how you were born. I care how you act. If you act like this, you’re no family of mine. I’ll stay elsewhere. I wouldn’t have come if I’d known you were here.”

            Yuri’s mouth wobbled and he couldn’t do much but watch as his Grandpa took his suitcase and turned around, shutting the door behind him, so they were alone again. Why couldn’t he have anything good? Why couldn’t he just be happy without the universe knocking him down again? His knees went weak and he thought he might fall before Otabek came up and wrapped his arms around his waist from behind.

            “I got you.” Otabek said and Yuri collapsed against him, turning around and hugging him with everything he had as sobs wracked his body.

            “Why does he hate me so much for this?” Yuri gasped between cries, his breath hitching between words as he struggled to breathe. “Beka, I can’t breathe. I-I can’t.” He started to hyperventilate quicker, unable to get a handle on his nerves.

            “Hey, hey sit down.” Otabek cooed, holding him as he knelt down and took Yuri with him, sitting him down on the wood floor and hugging him tight. “Deep breaths. Breathe for me.”

            Yuri took one shaky breath and hiccupped, still trembling when he opened his eyes to see Otabek. “I-I’m not gonna take this out on you this time. I need you, Beka. I-I need you so fucking bad, please don’t leave me right now.”

            “Baby, I’m not going anywhere.” Otabek said in that sweet soft voice that made Yuri want to melt. His accent got so much heavier when he took that tone and if Yuri had been upset about anything else, it would have soothed him instantly. “I’m right here.” He kissed the top of Yuri’s head and rubbed his back as he shook, letting Yuri cling to him.

            “A-Am I a horrible person?” Yuri sniffled. “Are we?”

            “No, Baby. He’s the one who’s horrible.” Otabek pulled back a little and pushed the hair out of Yuri’s eyes, tucking it behind his ears. “Let’s get you cleaned up and comfy. I’ll go next door and get you some tea, okay?”

            “No, no.” Yuri shook his head. “No tea, no food, just stay with me.”

            “Yura.” Otabek frowned. “Hey, you were making progress. Don’t go down this road with the not eating again.”

            “Beka, do you see me right now? I-I’ll fucking puke anything up. Just hold me.”

            “Okay, let’s at least get you in bed.” Otabek sighed, standing up and pulling Yuri with him. “Come on.”

            He wiped his eyes and followed him back to the bedroom, quiet little sobs still tumbling out of his mouth even as he tried to contain them. Before it had felt like there was still hope. It was like all he’d needed to do was talk to his Grandpa and then they would work it out if he would just listen, but now it was over. It was over for good.

            Otabek took Yuri’s robe and hung it up for him, digging some pajamas out of his suitcase and letting him get dressed before he took him to bed. He let him lie down then pulled the blankets out, sliding in next of him, so he could hold Yuri close before tugging the blankets up over them. “Come here.” He murmured, hugging him tight.

            “Don’t let go.” Yuri sniffled, rolling over in his arms to burrow in to his chest. “Do you think it’s my fault? Like i-if I was a better grandson maybe this wouldn’t be a deal breaker.”

            “No Baby, it’s all him. You haven’t done anything.” Otabek cooed, rubbing Yuri’s back as he let him find his breath again. “Listen, it’s fine. You’re living with me, the season’s about to start, we have this weekend still to enjoy our privacy even if he kind of burst in for a minute. “Deep breaths, Yura.”

            Yuri shut his eyes and nodded, willing himself as much as he could to just calm down. He hated the shaking more than the crying. It made him feel frail and out of control, not being able to steady his own hands.

            Otabek ran his hand through his hair to comfort him and kept pressing kisses to his forehead, holding him steady until the trembling subsided and the tears slowed. “You okay?” Otabek asked. “You should eat something.”

            Yuri shook his head. “You can.”

            “Babe-“

            “Don’t, Beka. You should go get something.”

            “Are you okay to be left alone for a few minutes?”

            “Yeah, now.” Yuri sighed. “Go get some sushi or something. I don’t want you to not eat.”

            “I’ll bring it back here. It’ll just be a minute.”

            “Go ahead, Beka.” Yuri nodded, pulling back a little. “I’ll be right here.”

            “Okay.” Otabek grimaced. “You won’t eat if I bring you something?”

            Yuri just shook his head again.

            “I won’t push you right now, but tomorrow I will. Okay?”

            “Okay.” He mumbled. “See you in a minute.”

            Otabek gave his head one more kiss then sat up and got off the bed, changing out of the robe and into some real clothes to run and get dinner.

            Yuri watched him change and his heart sunk. Otabek was such an amazing person. He was beautiful and kind and he made Yuri feel so fucking happy. How could anyone think it was wrong for him to love Otabek? Who wouldn’t?

            He curled up and waited for Otabek to come back, staring out the glass towards the springs. They had _just_ been so happy. Now that heavy depressive feeling was back and weighed him down right on his chest. He didn’t move an inch until he heard the door slide open again and Otabek sat down next to him with a plate of sushi.

            Yuri shut his eyes and snuggled back in to him. “Beka, I’m gonna go back to sleep.”

            “Do you want the lights off?”

            He shook his head.

            “Yura, are you okay?” Otabek frowned. “I mean I know you’re upset, but are you alright? At all?”

            Yuri just shook his head again and kept his eyes closed. He wanted to sleep and not feel anything for a while.

            “Can I do anything?”

            “Stay close to me.”

            “Okay.” Otabek said, putting one hand into Yuri’s hair to help lull him to sleep. “If you need me later, wake me up okay?”

            Yuri gave a weak nod. He didn’t want to wake up.

**

            Yuri couldn’t seem to shake this one off. He woke up and stayed in bed for an hour just watching Otabek until he woke up too and even then, Yuri just didn’t have the energy to get up. Otabek seemed to sense how bad it was, but he was doing everything he could think of to try and cheer Yuri up. When Yuri was being lethargic getting out of bed, Otabek smothered him in kisses and sunk down under the covers.

            Yuri tried to get into the blowjob, really, _really_ , tried, but that weight on his chest just drained all his energy and he lost his erection.

            “Did I do something?” Otabek asked when he pulled his mouth away, pulling the blanket back, so he could look up at Yuri. Shit, he had that wide look in his eyes like he was ready to cry and that made Yuri’s heart break. “I-I mean I know you’re sad and stuff, but did I do a bad job o-or do you want me to leave you alone?”

            “Beka, no.” Yuri sighed. “Don’t blame yourself, I’m just… I-I just don’t feel up to anything right now.”

            “What can I do?”

            “I don’t know.” He mumbled, letting Otabek tuck him away again.

            “You need to eat.” Otabek said as he slid back up next to him. “I know you don’t feel like it, but maybe if we just get dressed and go get you something to eat, you’ll feel better. You have to get up.”

            Yuri rolled his eyes and Otabek’s face fell again. Fresh air wasn’t going to magically transform him.

            “Yura, I can’t let you lay in bed and be miserable all day.” Otabek sat himself up and sighed. “I know you’re in pain, but… I-I want to help you through it and I thought that you brought me here to spend time together.”

            “It’s not about you.”

            “I know it’s not. I just want to help you and you won’t let me and I feel responsible for you.”

            “No one says you have to be responsible for me.”

            “Of course I’m responsible for you. What kind of boyfriend would I be if I just let you lie here all day and starve?”

            Yuri huffed and rolled away from him, pulling the blankets up. “Just go do whatever you want.”

            Otabek stayed quiet.

            What did Otabek want from him? He felt like shit. He didn’t feel like going and having a spa day, or eating a shit ton of food. He just wanted to go back to sleep. Otabek could do whatever he wanted. Yuri shut his eyes, content on sleeping the day away and letting Otabek do what he wanted before he heard him sniffle next to him. Was Otabek crying?

            Yuri rolled back over to see Otabek blinking back tears and staring down at his lap, his mouth quivering like he was barely holding it in. “Are you crying?”

            “What am I supposed to do, Yuri?” Otabek croaked, his voice cracking a little as he spoke. “You’re depressed and I don’t know how to help and now you’re mad at me? It’s like every single time we’re happy together, something happens that breaks you again and you get worse every time. I have all this anxiety now that if I leave you alone or something that you might hurt yourself and it’d be all my fault.”

            “Beka…” Yuri frowned. “I wouldn’t do something like that.”

            “How am I supposed to know? I try to cheer you up and you get mad at me.” He sniffed, wiping his eyes and looking away. “This stuff with you not eating is really going to affect your body. If you start losing competitions, it’s gonna make you feel even worse and I don’t know what I’m gonna do to help you. I can’t make you eat.”

            Yuri’s heart sank. “I didn’t mean to be shitty to you. I just don’t feel good.”

            “I need you to try for me, Yura. Either you need to start going to therapy, or you have to make more of an effort to keep yourself healthy.”

            Yuri’s eyes welled a little and he moved over to put his head in Otabek’s lap. “I’ll do both.”

            “Really?”

            He nodded. He didn’t want to put Otabek through anything. Not after he’d taken him in. “I think it’s starting to get worse. Like I don’t think I can really control it much anymore.”

            Otabek ran a hand through Yuri’s hair and sighed. “I wish things could just be good for you.”

            “I’ll try to eat a little and do some spa stuff. I don’t really want to be alone.”

            “Thank you.” Otabek bent down and kissed his forehead. “We’ll get you through this again together, okay?”

            “Okay.” Yuri put an arm over Otabek’s knees and squeezed him a little. “Thanks for putting up with so much. I still wanna spend time with you while we’re here.”

            “I saw the mud bath area when I went to get dinner last night. Do you think that would make you feel a little bit better?”

            “Mhm.” Yuri nodded and sat himself up, his chest still heavy, but he found the will to make an effort for Otabek.

            They laid there for a few more minutes then Yuri let Otabek help him out of bed. He put on some shorts and a t-shirt and together they went to the other building for some breakfast and a mud bath. He managed to get a few bites of eggs down and Otabek left him alone about food. He still felt awful, but it seemed to mean a lot to Otabek that he was trying.

            In the mud, Otabek held his hand and stayed in until Yuri felt like getting out. It didn’t help much, but Yuri wasn’t really opposed to anything where all he had to do was lay there. They got a seaweed wrap together and spent another hour in the hot springs before Otabek made him choke down lunch and they spent the rest of the day just walking around the area, enjoying the warm climate in Japan.

            “Any better?” Otabek asked as they walked on the sand by the water. It was so much like Hasetsu, Yuri made a mental note to go visit Yuuri’s family next time since he wouldn’t have the timeshare anymore.

            “Not really, but thanks for trying. It really is easier with you around.”

            Otabek stopped walking to look out at the water and brought Yuri’s hand to his lips, so he could kiss it. “I’m really relieved that you’re willing to see a therapist. It’ll help, Yura. Really.”

            “I mean anything’s worth a shot at this point. I can’t skate like this.” Yuri sighed. He needed to emote to sell his programs and he couldn’t do that if he didn’t feel anything.

            “I’ll be with you every step.” Otabek said, pressing a kiss to Yuri’s forehead as they watched the waves ebb over the sand. “Whatever you need.”

            “Thanks, Beka.” Yuri smiled for the first time all day and leaned in to him a little bit. “I don’t think I could do any of this without you.”


	13. Chapter Thirteen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter will be up by Saturday! Please please read the chapter notes for an important announcement!!

Yuri was intent on getting his shit together. If he laid in bed depressed, that was letting his Grandpa win. Otabek helped him find a therapist online and he went to see her the day after they got back from Japan. Competition was coming soon and he needed to get a handle on himself.  
Therapy was weird. Otabek stayed in the waiting room while Yuri retreated into the small room with a desk and a sofa, a woman who didn’t seem much older than them at all seated in front of him.  
He spent most of the session just getting her up to speed on everything. How he’d been repressed, how Otabek had brought it out of him, how his Grandpa was refusing to even speak to him anymore. He left out the eating stuff. He didn’t want to be one of those anorexic figure skaters and he knew that was how she would see it, but it wasn’t about weight. It helped keep the bad feelings out to just be in control. Food made him feel sick when he was anxious.  
She was helpful a bit. She gave him some weird ways to breathe that could help him come down from a panic attack, which was helpful if he started to lose it at competition. Still though, he’d hoped to just get a prescription. If there was something he could take that would just knock the sadness right out of him, he’d kill for it, but she insisted that medication was a last resort. There were going to be a lot more appointments before it happened.  
“How was it?” Otabek asked, jumping up as soon as Yuri came out. They’d been assured the office and waiting room was a safe space with all the staff on board, so with no other patients around, they were free to hug and kiss all they wanted. Otabek got his arms around Yuri’s waist immediately and kissed the top of his head. “Did it help?”  
Yuri smiled a little at the affection. “Kinda. I’m gonna keep going. Once a week except when we’re out of town for competition.”  
“That’s great, Baby.” Otabek grinned, pulling back a little and taking his hands. “I’m seriously super proud of you. You feel like you could eat something?”  
Yuri cringed a bit. Shit, he really had no appetite at all, but Otabek looked so relieved to see him feeling even the slightest bit better. He couldn’t crush him. “I-I could eat.”  
“Really? I’ll make your favorite.” Otabek smacked a kiss against Yuri’s cheek before finally letting him go. “Let’s get home.”  
Yuri’s heart was warm as they left together. Seeing Otabek so happy just because Yuri was feeling a little better just made him want to curl up on the sofa with him for hours.  
He held Otabek extra tight on the way home and changed into some comfier clothes when they got there, letting Otabek go straight to the kitchen to cook. He slipped into some shorts and one of Otabek’s t-shirts then went there to be with him a little more, wrapping his arms around Otabek’s waist and propping his chin up on his shoulder. “Hi.”  
“Hi.” Otabek laughed. “You really are in a good mood.”  
“Mhm.” Yuri hummed, nuzzling his nose against Otabek’s neck. “I feel bad for freaking you out. I feel okay right now.”  
“Yeah? Here, step back a second.”  
Yuri did and watched Otabek put the pan of Perogies in the oven, blushing when he stood back up and leaned in right away to give him a real kiss.  
“I never finished that blowjob the other day you know.” Otabek whispered against his lips. “Do you feel up to that?”  
“Yeah.” Yuri breathed, slipping the hair tie from his wrist to put his hair up. He didn’t want it in his eyes when he stared down at Otabek in a minute.  
Otabek slipped his hand between Yuri’s thighs and squeezed a bit, laughing when he leaned in to nibble on his ear. “No underwear?”  
“It’s comfy.”  
“You’re so slutty sometimes.” Otabek teased, rubbing him through the thin material and cocking his head towards the living room. “Couch?”  
“Orrrrr.. kitchen counter?”  
“Sure.” Otabek laughed, picking him up like he didn’t weigh anything more than a stuffed animal and sitting him down on a clean part of the marble counter. “Pull my hair all you want.”  
Yuri’s heart fluttered and he lifted his hips up, so Otabek could pull the shorts down, letting them slip off his ankles on to the tile as he planted his forearms on the counter beside Yuri’s hips and bent down to drag his tongue around the length.  
“Nnn, Beka.” He whined, shutting his eyes and pushing one hand into Otabek’s hair, pulling a tiny bit until Otabek just took him in his mouth and started to suck. Shit, that was good. He could feel something again with his cock in Otabek’s mouth. He could feel tingles in his thighs and up his spine, he could feel the warmth of Otabek’s mouth and the softness of his tongue, the cold counter against his ass as his body started to overheat from the pleasure. “Otabek…”  
Otabek bobbed his head back and forth and brought one hand over to stroke Yuri’s thigh as he swallowed around him. He started to hum to bring him to the edge and Yuri groaned in response, tightening his grip on his hair and pushing his hips up to meet his lips.  
Yuri still couldn’t last long at all when it came to oral. It was only a few more minutes before his toes curled and he came with a long string of curses, Otabek swallowing all of it before he stood up between Yuri’s thighs and leaned in to kiss him with all the hunger and desperation he wanted. “You’re really good at that.” He sighed against his lips. “We should have sex in the kitchen more often.”  
“Yeah, you really liked this.” Otabek smiled, his hand still caressing the smooth skin of his thigh.  
“Do you want me to do you?”  
“Nope. I just want to make you feel good tonight.”  
“Are you sure?”  
“Mhm.” Otabek bent down to pick his shorts up and handed them back to Yuri before retreating to the oven to check on dinner. “These’ll be done in a minute.”  
“Okay.” Yuri swallowed, trying to ignore the way his stomach seemed to flinch at the mention of food. He was still a little tensed up even after an orgasm. He hopped off the counter and gave Otabek one more squeeze before he went to wait for him on the couch. He’d get the food down no matter what just to make Otabek feel like things were alright.  
“Here you go, Baby.” Otabek smiled as he brought out a platter of Perogies for them to share along with a pile of napkins. He set it all down on the coffee table and plopped down next to Yuri, peppering him in kisses. “Just eat as much as you can. I won’t push you hard.”  
Yuri nodded and kicked his legs up in Otabek’s lap, taking two Perogies in a napkin and taking a deep breath before biting in. He felt nauseous even at the taste of his favorite food, but he swallowed every bite and even grabbed a third.  
“Wow, you’re really eating.” Otabek grinned, pressing another kiss to Yuri’s forehead. “I’m proud of you.”  
“Thanks Beka.” Yuri choked out before taking his legs away and standing up. “I’ll be right back, just gonna run to the bathroom.”  
“You okay?”  
“Yeah, I’m fine. Be right back.” Yuri swallowed hard and walked to the bathroom before he rushed to lock the door and turn on the sink to cover the noise of him vomiting into the toilet. He didn’t want to puke, but it was almost reflexive. He didn’t have to trigger a gag reflex, or anything, but he felt so much better as soon as he’d thrown up. He knew it was bad, but anything that let him feel less anxious, or depressed wasn’t something he was going to give up on.  
Yuri rinsed his mouth out in the sink and swallowed the guilt before heading back to the living room to snuggle back in with Otabek. What he didn’t know wouldn’t hurt him.  
**  
Yuri managed to keep breakfast down the next morning. He felt good getting into some final practice before the season started and Otabek seemed to really believe he was feeling better. He was, but he wasn’t doing as okay as Otabek thought. When they ordered lunch in to the rink, he fled to the bathroom seconds after they finished and puked it back up. He felt lightheaded during practice after, but at least he wasn’t anxious.  
Yuri was just running through his free skate when Yakov came to the side of the ice and paused the music.  
“Boys, my office.” Yakov said, cocking his head in the direction of the rink’s only private office. “We need to discuss something.”  
“Hm?” Yuri stopped and glanced over at where Otabek had been watching him. Otabek just shrugged, so Yuri went ahead and followed him off the ice. “What is it?” He asked as they popped on their skate guards.  
“We’ll talk in private.” Yakov said and Yuri’s stomach twitched.  
They followed him back into the small office - which Yakov really just used for naps and making practice schedules – and sat down in the plastic chairs.  
Yakov took a seat behind his desk and reached for a piece of paper from the printer tray. “So, I got the results of your blood and urine tests.”  
Yuri raised his eyebrows. “There shouldn’t be anything on those. We’re both clean.”  
“Of drugs, yeah, but you both have chlamydia.”  
“WHAT?!” Yuri turned and smacked Otabek in the arm on instinct. “Beka!”  
“I didn’t know!” Otabek exclaimed, scraping his chair back away from him. “You’re the one that wanted to stop using condoms, not me!”  
“DON’T TALK ABOUT THAT IN FRONT OF OUR COACH, JESUS CHRIST!”  
“I could care less.” Yakov sighed. “Just… Sort it out? Go to the doctor, both of you. Get healthy before Nebelhorn Trophy. The challenger series may not be the most important, but it does matter that we have an accurate test run of your programs there.”  
Yuri snatched the papers and stood up, his face burning red as he rushed out of the room.  
“Yuri?” Otabek asked as he followed. “Are you pissed at me? I-I didn’t know I had it. We talked about getting tested, but we forgot, and then we stopped using condoms, I-I didn’t mean to give you one more thing to be upset about.”  
Yuri just huffed and kept walking towards the locker rooms, ducking inside and sitting down on the bench.  
“Yura?” Otabek followed him in and when Yuri looked up, he had that look on his face again with the wide watery eyes and his mouth quivering like he was holding back tears.  
“Why are you crying?” Yuri frowned, standing back up the moment he saw that expression on his face.  
“Why do I keep making your life worse?” Otabek sniffed as he stared down at the tile. “Yuri, i-it’s like all I’ve done is brought you pain and embarrassment a-and I feel like we’re one more incident away from you dumping me.”  
“Beka…” His heart sunk. The last thing in the world he’d ever do with so much going on was leave Otabek. “This isn’t your fault. I mean, you told me we should keep using condoms and I told you it was fine. I’m not mad at you, I’m just mad.” Yuri walked up to him, skate guards clacking on the floor and buried himself into Otabek’s chest. “You’re the best thing in my life. This stuff isn’t because of you.”  
“You’re really not mad at me?” Otabek asked, squeezing him tight. “Because shit, Yura. This is the last thing you need.”  
“At least we’re a hundred percent in this one together.” Yuri pulled back and got up on his toes to kiss Otabek’s forehead. The guilt over throwing up his food and not telling Otabek was eating away at him and the last thing he wanted was to make him feel bad. “Do you want to just go to the doctor? We might get harassed, or turned away. I’d rather go get it over with.”  
“Yeah.” Otabek breathed. “Hey um… I know you didn’t get to finish, but your program looks really amazing. You’re gonna kill it at Nebelhorn and then you’ll feel really good going in to the Grand Prix series.”  
“Thanks, Beka.” Yuri smiled, turning his head and giving him a proper kiss on the lips. He relished in how Otabek’s mouth just barely opened for him as soon as they kissed, like he was so eager, but always letting Yuri lead the way.  
“I love you.” Otabek murmured when they parted. “We won’t let anyone find out about this, yeah? It’ll just be us.”  
“And Yakov.”  
“I really think we should pretend he doesn’t know I gave you chlamydia.”  
Yuri laughed a bit and hugged him one more time. “Let’s get our stuff and go to that clinic that’s nice to us.”  
**  
“Why are there more needles?! You already know I have it!” Yuri exclaimed when a nurse prepped another syringe. “We went through this already, come on. Seriously? Seriously please?”  
“Baby, Baby, it’ll be over in one second.” Otabek murmured. The nurse had assured them they would be discreet about handling their results and treatment, so they knew they had a safe place to be affectionate. “Come here.”  
“You really need more blood?” Yuri pleaded with the nurse and she shrugged her shoulders. She’d already taken the second sample from Otabek and he both hated and admired how he could do it without flinching.  
“We really do, I’m sorry. The treatment can damage you if you don’t really have the STD. We have to confirm.”  
“I hate my life.” Yuri groaned as he stuck out his arm, leaning in to Otabek and squeezing him tight while she gave him the ball to squeeze and pricked his skin to take the sample.  
“Shh, shh.” Otabek cooed when he tensed. “You’re okay. It’s almost done.”  
Yuri sighed in relief when it came out and a bandaid was put over the broken skin, relaxing against Otabek’s touch.  
“We’ll push the results through. Just wait here.” The nurse told them before leaving the room, Otabek bending down and kissing Yuri on the corner of his mouth when the door shut.  
“You good?”’ Otabek asked as they nuzzled their noses together, giving him one more quick kiss before he pulled away.  
“Yeah, I just hate that.” Yuri sighed. “So what’s the deal with the treatment for this? Do we just take a pill or something?”  
“I don’t know. Probably?”  
Yuri leaned back in the chair and chewed on the inside of his cheek. If another needle came near him, he’d tear his hair out. “I really need you to fuck my brains out tonight. Today’s been stressful.”  
“If that’s what you want.” Otabek laughed, planting a kiss on top of Yuri’s head. “Hey there’s a new game I think I’m gonna buy if you want to play with me tonight. If I order pizza, will you eat? It could be fun.”  
“Yeah, that’d be nice.” Yuri smiled. He could eat a little bit if it would make Otabek happy.  
The nurse returned after a few minutes and handed Otabek a prescription. “I’m giving you one prescription for twice the amount to be discreet. Pick up the one, but it’ll have enough for both of you. Take one in the morning and one at night every day for a week.”  
“Oh.” Otabek shrugged as he took the paper from her. “Sounds easy enough.”  
“And make sure you both refrain from sex for a week.”  
“Wait, what?” Otabek blinked. “Like any sex? For a week?”  
She nodded.  
“Of course.” Yuri groaned, slipping down in the chair.  
“Well, uh… thanks.” Otabek put the prescription in his pocket and got the door, waiting for Yuri to get up and walk out before he followed him.  
“The universe really does hate me, huh?” Yuri sighed as they walked out of the doctor’s office. “I don’t know if I can survive a week without sex.”  
“We’ll get through it. We can do other stuff.” Otabek pulled out the keys to the bike. “Just gotta get creative, yeah? We’re good at that.”  
Yuri rolled his eyes a bit, but he liked the sound of that. “I’m all ears.”  
**  
They started the medication right when Otabek picked it up and postponed sex in favor of a pizza party and a Mario Kart tournament. Yuri ate two slices to make Otabek happy and sat close to him, so he could tickle him whenever he needed to pull ahead, and snuck off to the bathroom after twenty minutes to get the food back out of his system. He hadn’t meant to make this in to a habit, but he felt less anxious each time he did it.  
Yuri played five more races with Otabek – and lost about four of them – before they finally got distracted enough to abandon the controllers. Even if they couldn’t have sex, Yuri just couldn’t resist kissing him and Otabek couldn’t either. He climbed into Otabek’s lap and spent a long time to just moving his lips against this other boy’s, feeling Otabek’s heart beat when they pressed their chests together, the warmth of his skin and how it continued to heat up as kisses turned more intense.  
“Yura.” Otabek mumbled against his lips, his arms becoming tighter around Yuri’s waist and Yuri could feel how painfully hard he was in his jeans.  
“I know.” Yuri smiled, turning his head to kiss down Otabek’s neck and listening to him sigh. He was hard too, but he was enjoying teasing Otabek too much to focus on his own need right then. “Do you like it when I-“ He was cut off by the loudest growl his stomach had ever let out and pulled back, red-faced.  
“Did you not eat enough?” Otabek frowned, putting one hand on Yuri’s stomach and rubbing. “You sound hungry.”  
“It’s fine.” Yuri shook his head.  
“Are you sure?”  
“It’s just an embarrassing stomach noise, let’s not talk about it while I have a boner.”  
“Okay.” Otabek laughed, reaching one hand up to cup Yuri’s cheek. “Hey.”  
“Hey.” Yuri blushed back at him.  
“I’m so proud of you for eating right again. Seriously.” Otabek leaned up for another kiss and Yuri was quick to reciprocate, his stomach turning with guilt as he opened his eyes during the kiss. He shouldn’t keep lying like this, but he couldn’t tell Otabek what he’d been doing. It’d kill him. Maybe it was time to really try and stop.  
Yuri shut his eyes again and leaned in to the kiss, relishing in all the love that came with it. Otabek could say a thousand words in a single kiss and it was one of those things that just made Yuri melt in to him every single time. He broke the kiss and wrapped his arms around Otabek’s shoulders, hugging him tight and putting his head down. “I love you. Like really, really fucking love you, Beka.”  
“I love you too, Yura.” Otabek said as he squeezed him back. “We should settle down a little or we’re gonna give each other chlamydia all over again.”  
“I know, but I don’t want to stop.” Yuri sighed, leaning his forehead against Otabek’s. “I can’t believe how fucking gay you’ve made me in a few months. I used to jack off to hetero porn and now you’ve ruined it.”  
“Sorry.” Otabek laughed. “I can’t help it. It’s infectious.”  
“It sure fucking is, this gay shit gave me chlamydia.”  
“Stop roasting me, I didn’t know I had it.” Otabek blushed, still grinning as he leaned up and peppered Yuri’s face in a few kisses. “Good thing we found out though. That shit can land you in the hospital.”  
“That would have been really embarrassing.” Yuri sighed. “So what’s your non-sex plan?”  
“I have an idea.” Otabek gave Yuri one more kiss on the chin and squeezed his hips before shifting him off his lap. “Stay here and find something you want to watch.”  
“In this context, it really sounds like you’re asking me to pick a porno.”  
“Whatever floats your boat, Babe.”  
Yuri watched him go and settled back in to the couch, his heart warm as he flicked through options on the TV. That dorky music channel was on and he found it kind of boring, but Otabek almost always knew the band that was on, so he let it play.  
Otabek came back out a minute later in just his boxer briefs and a t-shirt, a bottle of what looked like lube in his hand.  
“Uh.” Yuri raised his eyebrows. “I think they were pretty clear about the no-fucking aspect of this.”  
“It’s massage oil.” Otabek said as he came up and pressed a kiss to Yuri’s forehead. “Scootch over.”  
Yuri’s cheeks turned a little pink at the thought of a massage from Otabek and he moved over, watching Otabek sit down on the far end of the couch and open the recliner.  
Otabek moved all the way back and opened his folded knees, patting the space in front of him for Yuri to sit. “Shirt off.”  
“You’re such a romantic.” Yuri laughed as he tugged his shirt off over his head and went to sit between his thighs.  
“Wait, pants off.”  
“Are you sure you’re not fucking me?”  
“They’re itchy.” Otabek teased, poking him in the side until he raised his hips and wiggled out of the jeans. “There we go.” He mumbled against him as he pressed a few kisses to Yuri’s neck and bare shoulder. “You’re so fucking soft.”  
Yuri blushed a little harder and shivered when he heard Otabek open the oil and lather his hands up. “Ohh fuck.” He groaned the second his hands started to rub his shoulders. Shit, that was exactly where he needed it. “Beka, that’s fucking good.”  
Otabek nibbled a little on his ear and Yuri shivered in response. He was a little cold being in just his underwear, but Otabek’s hands were warm from the oil. Otabek ran his fingers down Yuri’s spine and put pressure on all the right places, making sure to kiss his neck and keep up with all the little touches that helped Yuri relax. “Good?”  
“Great.” Yuri breathed. “How’d you get so good at this?”  
“I watched a youtube tutorial once.”  
“You would do that.” Yuri rolled his eyes.  
“Only for you though.” Otabek wrapped his arms around Yuri’s waist and pulled him back against him, kissing the top of his head. “I know I seem kind of mushy, but I really feel like you deserve to be pampered and stuff. You’re going through so much and a lot of it’s my fault.”  
“It’s not really your fault.”  
“I know, but still. I tried to tell you that being gay would be easy and everything you were afraid of still happened.” Otabek sighed and nuzzled his nose against Yuri’s hair. “You’re the best thing that ever happened to me, Yura. I want you to be able to think of me like that too.”  
Yuri’s heart twinged. “Beka, you don’t think that you’re something bad that happened to me.”  
“I mean, I didn’t at first, but now-“  
“Otabek.” Yuri leaned his head back so he could look up at him. “You are not something bad that happened to me. I might have repressed who I was my entire life if you hadn’t pulled it out of me. I mean… Fuck, I’m bad at being cheesy, but without you, I wouldn’t know what love is like, or sex, or how it is to live with another person and share a bed and stuff. I wouldn’t know any of it.”  
“Really?”  
Yuri nodded and leaned back against him, hugging one of his arms and kissing his bicep because it was close to his lips. “I don’t think I’ll ever be with someone else.”  
“Me neither.” Otabek smiled, squeezing him tight and holding him there.  
“Aren’t you getting your shirt all oily?”  
“I don’t care.”  
“Okay.” Yuri laughed. “You could just take it off.”  
“Now who’s trying to break the no-fuck rule?”  
“I’m just saying.” Yuri grinned as he leaned forward to let Otabek peel out of his shirt, sighing when he leaned back against his bare chest. “You’re always so warm.”  
“You’re pretty cold all the time. I don’t know why you don’t complain.”  
“You always warm me back up.” Yuri turned his head again and pressed a kiss to Otabek’s cheek just to feel how soft it was. “So was rubbing my shoulders your whole plan?”  
“Nope.” Otabek shook his head as he trailed his hands down to Yuri’s thighs and stroked the inside, waiting for him to purr before he brought one hand between Yuri’s legs and squeezed.  
“Hhh.” Yuri shut his eyes. “A-Aren’t we not supposed to-“  
“We can’t have real sex, like, anal, or oral, but our hands are safe. We’ll just clean up after.” He nipped at Yuri’s ear and dipped his hand down, pulling his underwear to the side so he could massage his perineum with two fingers.  
“Fuck.” Yuri just turned his head and nuzzled his cheek against Otabek’s shoulder, letting his muscles completely relax as Otabek slid his hands under the fabric of his boxers. They’d usually be completely naked other than a few lazy fuck sessions when they were half asleep, but Otabek knew him. He knew that touching him like this would trap the heat and make Yuri feel so fucking warm and relaxed that he’d melt right in Otabek’s hands like always.  
The massage oil made his hand slick as dragged his fist up and down Yuri’s weeping erection, the new though of them not supposed to be doing anything like this adding to the excitement. It was funny how that thought used to bring him so much guilt, but now it had Yuri squirming in Otabek’s arms like some virgin schoolgirl. He’d need to think of a way to touch Otabek just as intimately when he finished because the way he was being held made him feel like they were making love, not just exchanging messy handjobs.  
“Nnn.” Yuri whined, his head tipping back against Otabek’s shoulder. “Beka.”  
“Feels good?”  
“You know it does, Asshole.” Yuri panted as he turned towards Otabek’s neck. He felt like he was on fire in the best possible way. Something about that fucking massage oil.  
Otabek paused for a moment and just dragged his thumb around the tip, kissing Yuri’s neck and sucking a hickey on to the skin, his other hand still pulsing Yuri’s perineum to send those sparks rippling up his spine and through his thighs, down to the tips of his toes to make them curl. “I love you.” He murmured right in to Yuri’s ear. “You’re fucking beautiful when you’re turned on.”  
“Oh my God.” Yuri groaned. “Beka, I’m gonna cum.”  
“You can cum, Yura. Cum for me.” Otabek cooed, kissing his ear as Yuri’s back arched away from him.  
“Hhh!” Yuri’s mouth fell open in a silent scream when his orgasm came to completion and spilled over Otabek’s fist into his underwear, gasping for air when Otabek stroked him through it. “Jesus Christ.” He breathed when he finished. “We really can’t go one day can we?”  
“Nope.” Otabek laughed, kissing the top of his head.  
“Here.” Yuri was quick to turn around in Otabek’s lap, ignoring the uncomfortable situation between his legs and reaching down to cup Otabek through his boxers. “You are so fucking hard.”  
“I’m kinda gonna cum right away.”  
“Fine with me.” Yuri laughed, tugging out the waistband and touching Otabek just like he’d done it for him. “You never get any attention here.” He said as he pressed his fingers to Otabek’s perineum and rubbed a little before wrapping his other hand around his cock.  
“Oh.” Otabek gasped, Yuri immediately leaning in to kiss him.  
Yuri felt like he had the biggest learning curve in the world. He’d gone from having to be guided every sexual step of the way to working his hands in the perfect way, making Otabek moan against his lips. He sucked on Otabek’s lower lip and stroked him in time with the little circles his fingers made over that sensitive spot. He relished in how Otabek grunted and groaned against him, like he couldn’t help making noise until he kissed him especially hard, stuffing his tongue deep into Yuri’s mouth when he came.  
Yuri swallowed his moans and stroked him to fruition, smiling a little in to the kiss as Otabek lapped at his tongue. He usually wasn’t so desperate. “Good?” He asked when he pulled back, touching their foreheads together.  
“Great.” Otabek grinned. “Shower?”  
“Mhm.”  
“Then laundry.”  
“Oh shit, yeah. Ew.” Otabek crinkled his nose. “Let’s go.”


	14. Chapter Fourteen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the lack of momentum in the last chapter, I promise the climax to the story is coming!! I think this is going to end around chapter 20 and there's a lot of very big things coming really soon!!

            Yuri made a promise to himself when he went to bed that night. He was going to start eating and eating for real. If he slipped up again and threw up, he had to tell Otabek. No more secrets.

            He fell asleep, naked after showering, wrapped up in Otabek’s arms and woke up early the next morning.

            “Hey.” Yuri whispered as he kissed along Otabek’s jaw to wake him up. “Don’t get up yet. I’m gonna make you breakfast and I’ll wake you up when it’s done.

            “Mm, for real?” Otabek yawned, squeezing him tight. “But you’re so soft and warm and we’re all naked.” He pressed a lazy kiss to the top of Yuri’s head before letting him go. “You really feel up to making food?”

            “Mhm. I’ll eat.”

            “Okay.” Otabek smiled. “Thank you.”

            “Don’t worry about it.” Yuri leaned up and gave him a kiss on the lips, holding him there to take some of his warmth before he slipped out of bed and went to his bag to get out a pair of underwear and a t-shirt. “Um… Hey Beks?”

            “I love when you call me Beks.” Otabek mumbled, rolling over, so he could see him. “Whats up?”

            “Do you uh… Do you think there’s some space in your dresser for my stuff? Would you mind if I put my stuff in there?”

            “You want to?” Otabek sat up and grinned. “Take whichever one you want, or take two, or whatever, just put your stuff where you want. I don’t mind.”

            “You sure?”

            “Can I ask you something?”

            “You seem very awake all of a sudden.”

            “Come here.” Otabek reached his arms out and Yuri rolled his eyes, tugging his clothes on before walking up to meet him. “You can say no. I won’t be offended, okay?”

            “Okay?” Yuri raised his eyebrows as Otabek wrapped his arms around his waist, hugging him with his head on his chest.

            “Do you want to just get rid of your apartment? You’re practically living here, why not just, you know um… live here?” Otabek looked up at him with those stupid brown eyes that always looked shiny and Yuri felt himself blush. “I know you’ve been doing better, but I don’t really want you here just so I can take care of you. I like living with you.”

            Yuri felt a twang of guilt, knowing this was the first day he was being even remotely healthy. He really didn’t have the urge to go back to his place though. He liked Otabek’s apartment. He liked the furniture and how it always kind of smelled like him, the DJ equipment in Otabek’s room that never got touched during training, the way Potya settled in to the new place like it was her home. Maybe this was his home too. “You want me to really move in?”

            “Yeah.” Otabek nodded. “Do you want to?”

            “I mean, yeah.” Yuri smiled. “You’re really wearing away my edgy tough guy persona you know?”

            “Aw, you can still scare everyone else.”

            “You don’t think I’ve gotten too soft, do you?” Yuri crinkled his nose. “I don’t want people to forget I’m their biggest competition.”

            “You’re only soft when you’re with me and I love that about you.” Otabek kissed the center of his chest through his shirt. “I mean I like to think I’m not as sensitive around other people as I am around you. I just trust you and stuff.”

            “You are pretty cheesy.” Yuri teased, leaning down to kiss the top of his head. “Put some clothes on and sleep five more minutes. I want to be the good boyfriend today.”

            “Clothes are dumb.” Otabek gave him one more squeeze before letting him go, smiling when Yuri ran his hand through his hair.

            “We’re gonna have a lot of trouble getting through this week.” Yuri said, pulling the covers back a bit just to raise an eyebrow at Otabek’s morning wood. “Tell Otabek Jr. to settle down.”

            “He’s just confused this time of day.” Otabek yawned, taking the covers back and laying down again. “Wake me up when breakfast is done. Thanks for making it.”

            “It’s whatever, you do it for me all the time.” Yuri shrugged before he walked out of the bedroom, shutting the door behind him to keep the room dark for Otabek.

            He was going to be good today. He was going to eat right like he used to and he was going to dote on Otabek like he should be doing every fucking day after everything he’d done for him. Shit, they really were living together. It wasn’t just an order from Yakov anymore, it was a milestone in their relationship.

            Yuri’s heart thumped as he gathered up the milk and eggs. Otabek had asked him to move in permanently without any hesitation at all. Shit, what was he doing losing his mind over family members not loving him? He had someone right here. Even if he felt soft and still a little embarrassed thinking it explicitly, he had needed to be loved like this for a long time. He didn’t feel like he had to put on any kind of persona anymore. Not that he’d been entirely faking his personality, just his need to be so defensive had dissipated. Otabek gave him all the validation he needed and he had to start returning that favor.

            Yuri wasn’t the best cook, but he made two decent omelets on his fourth and fifth try and made a mental note to buy Otabek more eggs.

            He opened the bedroom door carefully to let the light in slow then crept back up to the bedside where Otabek had fallen back asleep, kneeling down and reaching over to shake his shoulder. “Food’s ready.” He whispered as Otabek’s eyes drooped open again. “You should get up now. We have to leave pretty soon.”

            “Did I dream you saying yes to living with me?”

            “No.” Yuri rolled his eyes. “I’m a big sap now, so I said yes. Come on, it took me all your eggs to pull this off.”

            “All of them?”

            “I’ll get you more.” Yuri stood up, bent down to kiss his forehead just because he could, then flicked the light on for him.

            Otabek rolled out of bed and gave him a long kiss before changing in to his practice clothes, raking his hands through his hair before following Yuri out to the dining room.

            “Here.” Yuri said when he set a glass of orange juice in front of Otabek’s plate, sitting down beside him with his own food. His stomach hurt at the thought of eating it all and keeping it down, but he smiled and ate anyways, watching Otabek eat what he’d made.

            “Yura, this is really good.” Otabek grinned. “I didn’t know you could cook at all.”

            “I mean if I’m gonna actually live with you, I should pitch in and stuff.” He shrugged, forcing another few bites down. “Let me know what my half of the rent is.”

            “You don’t have to pay rent.”

            “I want to.” Yuri said, setting his fork down and leaning his head on his hand. “I should pay half of everything.”

            “Yuri, you really don’t-“

            “We’re partners, right?”

            “Yeah, of course.” Otabek nodded. “But you’re-“

            “I’m capable of paying. Let me know, okay?” Yuri ignored the way his stomach turned and got up to gather his dishes, planting a kiss on top of Otabek’s head before he walked away to the sink. He didn’t want Otabek to look at him like a charity case, but he wasn’t going to start a fight about it or anything.

            He washed his dishes then went back to get Otabek’s, washing them too before he went to change into his practice outfit. He was going to have a good day today and at this point? Fuck it. If he had to be gay, he was going to be the best fucking gay on Earth. Who could look down on him for his personal life if he won every competition?

This was their second to last practice before leaving for Nebelhorn Trophy in Germany. He didn’t like that he was up against Otabek at all three of their first competitions and probably the Grand Prix Final after that too, but he was grateful that they would be together.

            Yuri held tight to Otabek when they rode to practice, shivering a little from the lowering temperatures. Russia was ridiculous. When they walked in to the ice rink, it was actually warmer.

            They spent the day running through their routines. He felt completely confident moving through his short program, loving the heavy guitar instrumental. He’d waited so long to skate a program just like that one, but he still loved his free skate. It was classical music, but it was still dark and deep and he got to really showcase how balletic he was. They were gold medal programs and he could feel that each time he landed the quads in practice.

            Watching Otabek, he felt just as happy. That “Sweet Dreams” short program gave him heart palpitations and his free skate was choreographed to an electronic track Otabek had designed himself. It was just so creative and unique, Yuri knew there’d be at least one competition where Otabek would come out on top. The flexibility exercises had really paid off and he could see the improvements in Otabek’s extension, especially in his spins. He was a heart throb on ice and even if it was a secret outside the rink, Yuri loved that Otabek was all his.

            They barely missed any jumps at all that day. It really sucked that they couldn’t have sex because Yuri was smitten watching the height and power his boyfriend could display when he didn’t hold back.

            “Are you gonna be mad at me when I beat you next week?” Otabek teased when he skated up to where Yuri was seated on the divider, sliding in between his knees to plant a kiss on his lips. “I’m kidding, your base value is five points higher.”

            “You’ll probably beat me at some point this season.” Yuri rolled his eyes. “You have before and five points is nothing.”

            “Yeah, but that was a fluke. You were dealing with that ankle injury.” Otabek pouted, putting his hands on Yuri’s knees. “Feeling good?”

            “Yeah.” Yuri nodded and he really did. “Are you taking me to therapy after practice?”

            “As long as you still want me there.”

            “I do.” Yuri sighed. “You don’t have to come all the time, but I feel less nervous with you in the waiting room.”

            “And it’s helping?”

            “It’s helping.” Yuri smiled, nudging Otabek’s thigh with his skate. “Hey when are your bills due?”

            “I’m doing all that tonight.” Otabek shrugged.

            “Can I leave you a check on the table?”

            “Yuri.” Otabek rolled his eyes. “You don’t have to give me money.”

            “Beka, I want to. I’m gonna leave a check out tonight, so use it okay?”

            “Alright.” Otabek sighed. “You want to run through again while the ice is clear.”

            “Yup.” Yuri groaned as he stretched his arms out, letting Otabek slide back before he hopped back down on the ice and shook his legs out. “I’ll probably be done after this. We can work on whatever you want.”

            “Thanks, I could really use a few more run throughs.” Otabek nodded as he leaned against the divider. “Can I watch?”

            “Kinky. Sure.” Yuri shrugged. “Let me know if there’s anything I can touch up on.”

            After one more solid run through, he helped Otabek for an hour, gave him some time to just work with Yakov on last minute touch ups then they headed to his therapist’s office. He told her that he was feeling better, that he was excited to compete, sleeping well, and really happy about living with Otabek and pitching in. Giving something back made him feel like so much less of a burden. He still didn’t tell her about the eating issues, but he felt like he was in control of it. He didn’t need someone else’s help anymore on that front.

            Yuri cooked again when they got back. It wasn’t the best food, but he felt a little better when he made himself eat it and Otabek seemed to be happy that he’d cooked at all. When he put the check on the dining room table for a few hundred dollars, his heart felt light for the first time in days. He wasn’t going to be Otabek’s burden to carry anymore. He was going to be his partner and start acting like an adult instead of some kid who needed to be taken care of. That recognition meant the world to him and he did the dishes while Otabek paid the bills before crawling in to bed with him that night.

            “Here, I got you.” Yuri said when he pulled the comforter up, pressing up behind Otabek and holding him from behind.

            “Aw, you’re the big spoon tonight?” Otabek grinned. “That’s a change of pace.”

            “Shut up, I’m trying to be nice.”

            “I’m not complaining. I love being your little spoon.” He brought one of Yuri’s hands up and kissed his palm. “Thanks for doing so much today. I really appreciate it.”

            “Well yeah, you don’t have to do everything.” Yuri said, nuzzling his nose a little against Otabek’s shoulder. “Go to sleep, I’ll wake you up in the morning.”

            “Thanks Yura.” Otabek yawned, leaning back in to his touch. “Wake me up if you need me at all.”

**

            Yuri made breakfast again the next morning and cleaned the kitchen before getting Otabek up and feeding him again, eager to start their last practice before competition. He also just felt over the moon to be helping out. That partner status really pushed away the insecurity and he went to practice more confident than ever. He was landing every jump, holding every spin with ease. He was just taking a water break, a few feet from where Victor and Yuuri were chatting when he checked his phone to see how much he had left to spend while they traveled after giving Otabek the rent money. The number was the same as it had been yesterday morning.

            Yuri’s eyebrows pushed together and he looked up to where Otabek was finishing up his program run through. “Beka?” He called out, but he didn’t hear him. “Otabek!” He glared, waving to get his attention and gesturing for him to come over.

            Otabek stopped the moment he heard him and skated right over, his eyes full of concern when he stepped off the ice. “Hey, you okay?”

            “Did you not use the check I gave you?”

            “Hm?” Otabek raised his eyebrows and looked off to the side. “Um… No. I-I didn’t feel right using it, I mean you’re still struggling a bit and I’m the one who invited you in, I just-“

            “Beka, are you kidding me?” Yuri’s heart sank to his stomach. “I don’t want you taking care of me. We’re supposed to be partners.”

            “We are, but you still need help and everything, I was just-“

            “You were just thinking that I’m a charity case?”

            “Yuri, no. I just didn’t want to take your money. You need it for therapy and everything.”

            “I can fucking afford the therapy, I don’t need you to tell me how to spend my money.” Yuri scowled, running a hand through his hair and cursing when he caught a knot. “Fucking hell, Beka.”

            “Why are you so pissed?” Otabek asked, stepping closer to him and Yuri suddenly despised their height difference. “All I do is try to help you, what is there to be mad at me for?”

            Yuri’s face was red knowing that Victor and Yuuri were watching them fight, but he didn’t care enough to stop, or walk away. He was furious. “I’ve been doing fine lately. I’m trying to help out and be a fucking partner, but you won’t see me as anything other than something you’re supposed to take care of. I’m not a fucking little kid. I’m not sick and I’m not broken. I don’t need you to act like I am.”

            “Yuri, are you kidding me?” Otabek glared back, his cheeks turning pink as he balled his fists and Yuri’s mind flashed back to that day Otabek had come home angry and yelled at him. He’d forgotten how much it actually scared him when he saw Otabek angry. “You’re a fucking mess half the time! Some days you won’t even get out of bed, or eat a single thing if I’m not there to make you and you’re going to treat me like some kind of asshole for wanting to take care of you?”

            Yuri gritted his teeth and blinked the tears back hard. “I never asked you to do any of that.”

            “Yura, you lay there like a fucking zombie if I don’t pull you up. You wouldn’t even make it to practice sometimes without me.” Otabek stopped and rubbed his temples. “You do not get to fucking curse at me for treating you like a charity case when are one.”

            The lump in his throat ached and something snapped. Those words hurt him so fucking bad. It had taken him so long to get used to feeling loved and now it felt like Otabek only gave him affection because he felt bad for him. He was a charity case. He was nothing. He wanted Otabek to fucking feel how words could cut right through your heart, but he didn’t know what to say to throw it back at him, so his anger took hold. “Call me whatever the fuck you want, Beka. Maybe I needed some help, but at least I’m not some creep who likes to be called _Daddy_ in bed. I’m not the pathetic one here.”

            That sucked the air right out of the room.

The anger on Otabek’s face disappeared as he turned bright red and his expression collapsed completely. Yuri could see Victor and Yuuri staring at them out of the corner of his eye as he watched Otabek’s eyes fill with humiliated tears. That had been way too far. Otabek looked so hurt and embarrassed that as mad as Yuri was, he wanted to take it back in an instant. He wanted to take it back so fucking bad, why had he said that?

“Keep your apartment.” Otabek croaked, his mouth wobbling as he spoke. “All I did was try to look out for you.” He walked past Yuri and grabbed his things in a rush, not even pausing to put his skate guards on before he rushed out of sight.

“Jesus, Yuri.” Victor gaped from the other bench, his arm still draped around Yuuri’s waist. “That was cold.”

“I… I-I didn’t mean to…” Yuri stammered as he stared at the glass doors Otabek had exited from. “I didn’t mean to say that, I just got so angry and… Did he just break up with me?”

“Aren’t you guys flying to Germany in the morning?” Yuuri asked and Yuri’s stomach did a somersault.

“We’re supposed to.” He could feel the sobs rising in his chest, but this time, he choked them down, leaning back against the divider and pulling his feet up one at a time to take his skates off. He got his real shoes on quick and gathered his stuff, swallowing hard when he turned around to face them one more time. “Please never bring this up again. I really didn’t mean to say it and it was horrible. Don’t tell anyone.”

“We won’t.” Yuuri nodded. “Do you need to talk?”

“Fuck, I-I just…” Yuri’s mouth quivered as he walked up to them. “He does so much for me and I’ve been trying so hard to give back, but it’s like he doesn’t see me as equal to him or something. I-I try to help out and he won’t even take money from me. I don’t want to be treated like a charity case, but that’s all he fucking sees me as and it hurts. I-It hurts even more when I’m doing better.” He sniffled and pushed his hair out of his face. “I know it doesn’t excuse embarrassing him like that. I-I never meant to say it, it just came out.”

“You’re gonna have to work really hard to make this up.” Victor grimaced. “Otabek loves you. He has a right to be worried and it’s not because he thinks you’re weak or anything. No one here thinks that, but you’ve been through a lot lately. He wants to take care of you because he loves you not because he feels like he has to.”

“I’m such a fuck up.” Yuri sighed, looking up at the ceiling and blinking his tears back. “Why are you guys always so perfect? Dating is fucking… I-It’s fucking hard. I don’t know why I said something so mean.”

“We’re not perfect.” Yuuri laughed, giving Victor a little nudge. “I mean, you weren’t here, but one time, we really had it out on the ice. You know how Vitya gets when he goes coaching mode and he kept critiquing my landings. He was just trying to help, but I snapped at him and he almost cried in front of Yakov.”

“Seriously?” Yuri raised his eyebrows. “You guys?”

“It happens.” Victor shrugged. “All couples fight, but never use bedroom stuff against each other. That has to be a place of trust, you know?”

            “I’m a fucking asshole.” Yuri swallowed, looking off towards the glass doors Otabek had run out of. “Do you think I still have time to catch him?”

            “He might have stopped to clean up in the locker room before he left. Go after him.” Victor nodded, cocking his head towards the doors.

Yuri nodded back at him and made a run for it, hoping to catch Otabek in the parking lot, but when he stumbled out on to the asphalt, his bike was already gone. He slung his duffel bag over his shoulder and whipped out his phone, waiting an agonizing two minutes for an Uber to pull up before he jumped in and was taken to the apartment, _their_ apartment.

He sprinted up the stairs the second he arrived and fumbled to unlock the front door, dropping all of his stuff on the floor once he was inside and glancing around desperately for Otabek. “Beka?” Yuri ran back to the bedroom and opened the door. The lights were on, but the bed was empty. The bathroom door was shut and the shower was on, sending Yuri’s heart sinking down again. Otabek was crying again.

            Yuri stopped and took a deep breath. This was fine. Last time this had happened, Otabek had let him right in and they’d talked and made up. This would be the same. He’d never felt so fucking guilty in his life even after how awful he’d felt at first when they got together. This was a thousand times worse.

            “Beka?” Yuri croaked again when he walked up and knocked on the bathroom door.

            No answer.

            “Otabek?” Yuri’s heart leapt to his throat. “Are you okay?” When he was met with silence again, he turned the door knob and thanked God it was unlocked before he burst in to find Otabek sitting on the floor and leaned against the wall, knees pulled to his chest as he sobbed while the shower ran behind a closed curtain. “Beka…”

            “Please leave me alone.” Otabek choked, shaking his head and staring down at his knees. “Please, just fucking leave me alone.”

            “Otabek, I’m so sorry.” Yuri gaped, his eyes welling as he walked over and reached behind the shower curtain to turn the water off, kneeling down on the tile next to Otabek.

            “How could you do that to me?” Otabek lifted his head and for the first time, Yuri saw him look truly heartbroken. There were tears rolling down his cheeks and his eyes were pink from crying, his face still pink even with his dark skin. “I-I trusted you with that and you knew how embarrassed I was about it. The only other people I’ve ever shared that with were complete strangers that I didn’t care about. I-I’ve never even shared that kink with a boyfriend before a-and you just-“ His breath hitched hard and he put his head back down as he continued to cry. “I didn’t know how much the money meant to you. I thought it was just money. I-I wasn’t trying to undermine you. I was just trying to help.”

            Yuri’s chest ached because he knew that was true. Yeah he’d _felt_ undermined, but he knew Otabek hadn’t meant it that way and he only got angry and upset when Yuri attacked him over it. “I know.” He said in a quiet voice, his shoulders slumping as he sat back on his heels. “Everything you do is to help me. You’re selfless and I-I’m just… I’m awful.” He sighed. “That was the worst thing I’ve ever done. I never meant to say that. It just hurt me so bad when you said I was a charity case because I knew you were right and I lost control of myself.”

            Otabek hiccupped and looked up at him again. “Yuri, I know what I said was wrong and it was mean, but I would never throw something so personal back in your face. I would never embarrass you in front of our teammates just to win an argument. I-I mean, I look up to Victor and Yuuri as a skater and I know that you do too. I would never dream of embarrassing you in front of them.”

            “I know you wouldn’t.” Yuri swallowed, sniffling a bit. “I don’t know how to make this right. I hate myself for saying that and I just want to take it back. I-I don’t want to keep my apartment, but if you need some space from me, I-I’ll um…” His lips quivered as he tried to say it. “I-I’ll move back and I’ll switch my seat on the plane tomorrow, so you don’t have to see me.”

            “Don’t do that.” Otabek sniffled, wiping his eyes and staring up at the ceiling. “Even when I’m mad at you, I get worried.”

            “I’m sorry. I-I’m so sorry, Beka.”

            “You’re my best friend, Yuri.” Otabek swallowed, finally looking at him in the eye again. “It’s not like I can’t forgive you because I always can. I-I love you, but now it feels like I can’t tell you anything and that really hurts because you’re my best friend too. When I’m mad at you, or when you hurt me, I don’t have anyone to turn to. You’re everything.”

            A tear slipped down Yuri’s cheek and he lunged forward to hug him, squeezing Otabek like his life depended on it. “I’m so fucking sorry. Please don’t stop talking to me.” Yuri cried on to his shoulder. “I’ll do anything to make it better. I would never do anything like that again. I feel so fucking bad and I don’t want you to think that I even judge you for liking what you like. I-I liked it too. I love how we have sex and I don’t want that to go away just because I’m an idiot.”

            Otabek hugged him back and they both squeezed tight, breath hitching as they clung to each other and tried to stop the tears.

“I didn’t mean to call you any of that stuff.” Otabek croaked when they had calmed down a little bit. “I was just being defensive.”

“I-I didn’t mean to react so harshly, I just…” Yuri pulled back and wiped his eyes. “I-I get scared that maybe you do all this because you feel bad for me and not because you love me.”

“Really?” Otabek pushed his eyebrows together. “Yura, I only do it because I love you. I mean, I need you too. That’s what our relationship is. We meet each others needs even if you need a little more help.”

“It really hurt me that you wouldn’t take that money, Beka. Nothing excuses how I reacted, but… could you please take it?” Yuri sniffed. “I need to feel like I’m helping. I have to give back to you somehow.”

“I’ll take it if it means that much to you.” Otabek nodded. “You swear that you don’t really think I’m a creep? Because um… i-it’s just that when we had sex that way even though it was really dirty and stuff, I just… I-I felt so in love with you because you didn’t judge me and when it turned out that you did, it just made me feel disgusting.”

Yuri shook his head. “I was just lashing out. I really do like it too and I never want you to keep things from me. This is never ever going to fucking happen again and I hate myself for being so fucking mean.” He sighed and pushed his hair back behind his ears. “I don’t even know how you can forgive me.”

“I’ll always forgive you.”

“You still want me to move in?”

“Of course I do.” Otabek said, reaching his hand out to take Yuri’s. “I know that you wouldn’t do something like that again, but um… Give me a little bit of time to trust you again completely okay? Maybe this week of no sex is good for us right now.”

“Yeah.” Yuri swallowed. “Can I run us a bath or something? I really want to cheer you up a little bit. I’ll help you pack after.”

Otabek gave a little nod and Yuri stood up, pulling back the shower curtain and plugging the drain to start running the hot water. He’d never seen Otabek so hurt like this before. It was breaking his heart knowing that it was all his fault.

Yuri stripped out of his clothes and gave Otabek a hand to help him up, planting kisses on his cheeks and jaw as he undressed him, wanting desperately for Otabek to feel how much Yuri loved him still.

Yuri got some bubbles going then stepped in first, sitting down with his knees open, so Otabek could sit between them and shut off the water. Yuri held him close from behind, kissing his neck and cooing to him, rubbing his shoulders and washing his hair. Otabek was smiling a bit, but Yuri could still feel how things were different. “Hey Beka?”

            “Yeah?”

            “Um… I really don’t want you to feel like you’re gross, or a bad person just for liking something in bed. Would it help if I told you whatever weird thing I was in to?” Yuri blushed, his hands stroking up and down the outside of Otabek’s thighs under the water.

            “A little bit actually.” Otabek said, leaning his head back to rest on Yuri’s shoulder and look up at him. “What is it?”

            “Um… I-I kind of like voyeur stuff.” Yuri said as his face turned from pink to bright red. “Like risky public stuff. I-It’s always been kind of a fantasy and then there were those few times you got me going when we were alone in public places. I-I just kind of like it, but it’s embarrassing.”

            “That’s cute.” Otabek smiled. “And you used to be afraid to hold hands in public.”

            “Well, I’m still pretty anxious about doing things in front of strangers, but the risky stuff, I kind of like. You’re not the only one who has kinks, you know? Also I’m a hundred percent sure Victor has a daddy kink.”

            “Shut up.” Otabek laughed. “I don’t want to picture Victor being called daddy.”

            “Are you gonna be okay to compete and stuff? I don’t want you to lose your confidence because I was such a dick today.”

            “I’ll be fine. I feel really good about my programs.”

            “They’re really fucking good, Beka.” Yuri said, pressing a kiss to the back of Otabek’s neck. “You’re gonna do amazing. I’ll be right there with you.” He ran his hands back up to Otabek’s waist and hugged him again. “Hey, when this week is up, I’m going to give you the most mind blowing make up sex of your life.”

            “Oh yeah?”

            “Mhm.” Yuri dragged his lips up Otabek’s neck and nibbled on his ear for a moment just to make him shiver before planting one more kiss on his cheek. “Hey, I’m gonna do everything I can to make up for today, okay? You do way too much for me and you didn’t deserve any of that.”

            “I’m fine as long as you’re sorry. I don’t want to be fighting.”

            “Me neither.”

            Yuri rubbed Otabek’s back for a little while longer until the water turned cold and they both got out and put some pajamas on. Yuri swiped one of Otabek’s sweatshirts to comfort himself a little bit, still anxious about upsetting him so much, and made dinner. His stomach was queasy and keeping food down was hard, but he ate every bite and did the dishes after before helping Otabek pack and getting packed himself.

            “I set an alarm for tomorrow morning. I’ll pay for the cab to the airport.” Yuri said when he shut off the light and crawled in to bed.

            “Okay. Thank you.” Otabek turned over and tucked himself under Yuri’s arm, resting his head on his chest and hugging him close. “Yura?”

            “Yeah?”

            “Can we just start fresh tomorrow? I hate that we had such a bad fight today.”

            “Yeah, Beka. Me too.” Yuri swallowed, that pang of guilt striking his chest again. “You know that I love you right? I mean, shit, you know I’m bad at being cheesy, but I fucking love you a _lot_. I’m never going to hurt your feelings like that again.”

            “I know you won’t.” Otabek nuzzled his cheek against Yuri’s chest and pulled the blankets up. “Just hold me tonight.”

            Yuri’s heart thumped a little and he wrapped his arms around Otabek, pressing his lips against his forehead and squeezing to let him know that he was there, that he’d protect him at all costs. “Always, Beka.” Yuri said, breathing in the scent of his shampoo and how comforting and familiar it had become to him. “Whenever you need me to.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't forget to leave comments/kudos!! Thank you to anyone whos still reading this far in to the story!!


	15. Chapter Fifteen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Oooooh y'all this climax is comingggggg

            Yuri was pretty apprehensive about being affectionate with Otabek in front of Yakov outside the rink. It felt kind of weird, just the three of them, but when they took their seats on the plane and the flight anxiety set in, he opted to stop giving a fuck and tucked himself right under Otabek’s arm to sleep through it.

            There was something about their newfound domesticity that just settled him down in an instant. He could put his head on Otabek’s shoulder and shut his eyes, feel the gentle squeeze that Otabek gave him when he got comfortable and his heart rate would go back to normal. Yakov didn’t really seem to care anymore anyways. He’d seen enough after that locker room incident.

            When they landed, it was straight to the hotel. They still had several days ahead of them of no real sex and taking the dumb pills every night, but Yuri still dragged Otabek into one of the beds the moment they arrived. Yakov had his own room and they’d gotten one with two beds just to avoid suspicion, but they could easily fit on one.

            “I’m going to fucking lose it when you have that costume on tomorrow.” Otabek breathed when Yuri climbed into his lap, pressing kisses down his neck and up behind his ear. “Fuck, I hate that we can’t have hotel sex.”

            “You probably shouldn’t rail me right before we compete anyways.” Yuri mumbled against his skin. “Throws my balance off.”

            “Still.”

            “Yeah, I still wish you’d rail me.”

            “Stop saying rail.” Otabek laughed, lifting Yuri’s head and giving him a proper kiss to quiet him for a minute. “I’m actually kind of nervous for tomorrow.” He said when they parted, nuzzling their noses together. “I wish we didn’t have to be so secretive. Nothing against staying in the closet, you just help me calm down.”

            “We can always slip away.” Yuri pushed his hand up into Otabek’s hair and scratched his scalp a little, planting a kiss on his forehead. “Don’t be nervous. These are the strongest programs you’ve ever had and if you make some mistakes, then it’s fine. This is just the challenger series. Grand Prix is what matters.”

            “Yeah.” Otabek sighed. “We should probably try to sleep off the jet lag for tomorrow. Do you want to just put something comfy on and find a movie?”

            “Sure. Just a minute.” Yuri turned his head and dragged his mouth down Otabek’s neck, nibbling a little on his collar and sucking lightly on some sensitive spots, but being careful not to leave any marks.

            “Yura.” Otabek breathed. “Don’t get me all worked up. We can’t-“

            “I know. I just want you to feel good.” Yuri lifted his head and planted a kiss on the corner of Otabek’s mouth. “It’s just a few more days. We should be able to have sex after the free skate.” He nuzzled their noses together and gave him one more proper kiss, keeping an arm around Otabek’s shoulders. “Don’t forget I still want to make things up to you. I’m gonna blow your mind as soon as I’m allowed to.”

            “Okay.” Otabek smiled a bit and leaned his head on Yuri’s shoulder. “I’m not mad, or anything. You don’t have to work so hard.”

            “I want to.” Yuri hugged him with both arms and squeezed, relishing in how warm he always was. Yuri always felt cold. “I’ll always work hard for you.”

            “That’s so gay.” Otabek sighed, lifting his head to flash that cute little smirk that Yuri always loved. It appeared every time Otabek teased him. “Let’s order room service.”

**

            Something was off at practice the next morning before the short program. They were the only high level athletes there, which was typical for a challenger series event. There would probably be a thirty point gap between first and third place. They had nothing to be nervous about and Yuri was running through his motions just fine, but Otabek kept stumbling. The first quad toe he attempted during the practice session ended with a hard fall on to his hip that had Yakov trying to pull him off the ice, but Otabek insisted on continuing practice until another hard fall on the second jump of his triple loop – triple loop combo rattled him enough to stop.

            Yuri let him get off the ice on his own and talk to Yakov, knowing that he shouldn’t get in the way of Otabek’s coaching, but he pulled him aside as soon as the practice ended, taking him underneath the stands to be alone.

            “Are you okay?” Yuri frowned, running his hand through Otabek’s hair as they stood in the dim light. “Those looked like they really hurt. What did Yakov say?”

            “Just stuff about not letting it get in my head, that I’ll be fine, all that.” Otabek sighed. “Fuck, Yura. This is such a low stakes event, why am I skating like shit?”

            “It was just two mistakes. You’ll be fine. It always takes u a bit to really warm up in the season, you know?” Yuri planted a kiss on his cheek and rested his cheek on Otabek’s shoulder as he hugged him. “You’re gonna be fine. Is anything on your mind?” If Otabek was skating poorly because Yuri had rattled his confidence the other day, he’d never forgive himself.

            “It’s just the usual.” Otabek grimaced. “I’m the only skater representing my country at all. If I don’t put out a good showing at every single event, it reflects so bad on Kazakhstan.”

            “Don’t put that pressure on yourself. Even if you have a bad competition, or a few, you’re still their national champion. You’re still in the top six in the world and everyone knows your name, yeah? You did that for Kazakhstan. You don’t have to be perfect every time.” Yuri knew what it felt like to feel the weight of a country’s reputation on your shoulders. Skating for Russia was beyond nerve-wracking with how deep the field was and how much people expected of Russian skaters, but he couldn’t imagine how Otabek felt being the only skater from Kazakhstan. So many young people in his home country looked up to him now.

            “I know, I just… Shit, this is the start of the season. I don’t want to fuck it up.”

            “It’s gonna be fine. Let’s go get some food, yeah? We’ll come back before the warm up and you can just reset before the short program. We’re not until the last group, so we have a lot of time.”

            “Yeah, I mean, we are in Europe.” Otabek nodded, hugging Yuri a little closer. “Thanks for being so sweet. I don’t know why I’m nervous today.”

            “Let’s just go get your mind off it.” Yuri said, cocking his head back towards the side of the stands where they’d snuck in. “We’re in Germany. Weird meat always cheers you up.”

**

            They couldn’t go too wild with food the day of a competition and Yuri was cringing at the thought of food, but he wasn’t going to let that on. They changed into regular clothes and took a taxi to a nearby restaurant, taking a seat in the back and ordering some of Otabek’s comfort food.

            Yuri didn’t overdo it, but he did make himself eat enough to have the energy to skate. Otabek had been right before. His stamina was going to go to shit if he didn’t eat. He even played a little footsy with Otabek under the table to help him cheer up despite how much anxiety he had over them being caught, or spotted, now that the season was underway.

            They had another hour at least before it was time to head back to the competition rink, so Yuri dragged him back to the hotel room and rubbed his back, cooing to him all the supportive things Otabek had told him in the past when he’d been nervous.

            “You’re gonna do great.” Yuri said as they slipped their jackets on. They’d hung back while everyone else in the final group got dressed and waited for the other four skaters to leave before zipping their costumes up and tugging their skates on. “Just listen to Yakov and don’t dwell on the practice. Focus on how much you love this program.”

            “Yeah.” Otabek breathed. “I’m not gonna do any big jumps in the warm up. I’m just gonna go autopilot when I go out there.”

            “We’re the last two to skate, so you have time to get your bearings a little more.” It felt a little strange to be the one talking Otabek down when usually Yuri was the one who needed comfort, but he was glad that he could be there for him. He finished lacing up his skate and leaned over to give him a kiss while there was no one to see them. “You good?”

            “I’m good.” Otabek smiled. “Thanks, Yura.” He leaned up again and pulled Yuri into another kiss, holding him there for a moment and sliding his tongue over Yuri’s lower lip. “You’ve been really, really great today and I noticed how much you’re trying to eat right and it helps me a lot.” He whispered, kissing his cheek before pulling away to finish tying his skates.

            “Here.” Yuri handed him his skate guards when he finished and let Otabek pop them on before helping him up. “Ready for the warm up?”

            “Yeah, I feel a lot better.” He put his hand on Yuri’s hip to give it a squeeze and grinned. “I love your costume. You can see how nice your silhouette is.”

            “Yeah?” Yuri felt himself blush a little bit. He liked the costume a lot too. It was a dark midnight blue body suit that clung right to his skin, covered in subtle silver glitter that made it shine under the light without making him feel too girly. He loved how Otabek looked too in black fake leather pants that stretched, so he could spin and the matching black dress shirt that moved the same way. It was simple, but he looked so masculine and it brought out the green in his eyes. “I really like yours.”

            “It’s not much.”

            “Yeah, but it’s so you.” Yuri ran one hand through Otabek’s hair to fix it up a little bit. “Come on, we should get going.”

            They headed out of the locker room and out to warm up. Since it wasn’t a big event, the stands were mostly filled with their own fans, which was a nice change of pace from the sea of Russian fans Yuri was used to, all of them there for a different skater.

            Otabek avoided jumps in his warm up, sparing a few singles to get a feel for the ice again, focusing on practicing his spins and running the harder parts of his step sequence. Yuri didn’t want to psych himself out either, so he just went for the quad lutz once and was satisfied. His stomach was a little bit uneasy. It was hard being under such a spotlight when he had a secret to keep, but he was good at putting things aside to focus on competing.

            The first four skaters in the final group were a few they knew from the Grand Prix Circuit. Guang Hong was up first, followed by Seung Gil Lee, the German national champion who they’d never really met, and Leo from the states. It was nice to be in a group they were familiar with and also one that was a bit below their skill level. It took the pressure right out of the equation.

            Yuri was up fifth, so he got to the edge of the ice as soon as Leo was off of it.

            “Just do what you do in practice, Yuratchka. This is just a warm up for you.”

            “Got it.” Yuri nodded, handing him his skate guards just before the announcer called his name and he stepped onto the ice, relishing a little in the screams of his fans as he made his way to the center.

            He’d forgotten how good that feeling was. Complete strangers shouting his name, rooting for him. It was nice to feel that love after losing his only family member’s support. He couldn’t help glancing back to see Otabek’s thumbs up before his music started and the little jump his heart made gave him the perfect mood to start the program.

            It felt like he’d really matured with this short program. The guitar was heavy, but slow and sensual. He used all of the confidence Otabek had given him as he moved through the choreography. He put aside the fear, the doubt, the insecurity. This was something he was fucking _good_ at. He thought about how much Otabek loved this costume, this music, loved _him_ and suddenly his heart felt lighter than it had in weeks.

            He landed the first quad combo in the second half and breathed a sigh of relief as he moved forward. It wouldn’t be a world record by any means. He was still working his way up with this program, but it would be a good fucking score.

            The triple axel was a breeze and so were his remaining quads, although he overrated a little bit on the lutz. His legs ached a bit when he went into his final spin, that difficult straight-legged Bielman he’d worked his ass off to achieve, but he felt like he was somehow in better shape than ever. Fuck everyone, he was still the best skater in senior men’s.

            When the music stopped and he stood in his end position, he was panting, but grinning nonetheless as his fans erupted. That had to have been his best short program yet.

            “Perfect, Yuratchka. We’ll work on that lutz a bit more before the Grand Prix.” Yakov said when he stepped off the ice, handing Yuri his skate guards before Otabek gave him his jacket.

            “Thanks.” He breathed, smiling up at Otabek when he put his arms through the sleeves. “I have to go to the kiss and cry, but you’re gonna do great okay?”

            “Okay.” Otabek nodded, smiling back at him before letting him walk off with Yakov to get his score.

            He wished they could sit together, but Otabek had to get on the ice in just a minute and they’d look way to obvious if they did that, so Yuri just sat down with Yakov and chewed the inside of his cheek as he waited for the score. It didn’t take long at all, which was the first good sign.

            “The score for Yuri Plisetsky of Russia… One hundred and eight point two!”

            “Holy shit, I never start the season that high.” Yuri blinked.

            “They score a little easily here, but still. It’s well deserved.” Yakov nodded. “Let’s go give Otabek our attention now.”

            Yuri heard them announce his name and stood up in time to see him get on the ice, following Yakov back to their spot on the side of the rink to watch him. This program played to all of Otabek’s strengths and it was to music that he loved. Yuri’s heart was pounding just with the anticipation of seeing it in competition.

            When Otabek’s music started, he brought all the confidence and sex appeal that Yuri was yearning to see from him. Rolling his body to “Sweet Dreams” and skating with deep edges through his opening sequence. Yuri shivered just watching the way his shirt billowed a bit around him as he skated, gaining momentum for his first jump combination. He was supposed to start off with a quad lutz, triple toe, a combination that Yuri actually envied a bit, but despite all the speed Otabek had gained, he popped into a single lutz and didn’t have a chance to go for the second jump at all.

            “Oh fuck.” Yuri sighed, his heart sinking as he watched Otabek stumble a bit on his choreography. He knew Otabek and after a mistake like that, he was ruined. Things like that shook Otabek to his core and Yuri’s intuition was only confirmed when Otabek went into a triple axel and fell hard on an over rotation. He’d overcompensated for the first mistake and made another one.

            The confidence fizzled, the sex appeal nonexistent even with the music as Otabek powered through the remained of the short program, managing to land a quad toe at least in the second half, although he spun out of it.

            “He’s going to be in bad shape.” Yakov mumbled when the music ended. “Don’t get in to any drama with him tonight. Be nice.”

            “I’ll take care of him.” Yuri nodded. He really fucking meant that. For once, he was going to take care of Otabek instead of vice versa.

            “I’m so fucking sorry.” Otabek breathed when he got off the ice, his hands trembling as he took his skate guards and popped them on. “I-I don’t know what happened, I-I just fucking panicked and everything went to shit a-and I-“

            “It’s just a challenger event. Take a deep breath and move on.” Yakov said. “You still have the free skate tomorrow. Let’s just take the score and do better next time.”

            “Beka, it’ll be fine. You still have tomorrow.” Yuri gave him his jacket and gave his shoulder a subtle squeeze once their eyes met. Otabek was welling up, but fighting hard not to cry on camera, so Yuri held back from giving him any more support just yet. If Otabek got a hug right then, he’d burst in to tears, so Yuri cocked his head towards the backstage exit and led him out of sight.

            They walked a few feet down the hall, away from the locker room to avoid other skaters, away from the cameras before Otabek stopped and pulled Yuri into a hug, his shoulders shaking as he held him.

            “Oh, Beka.” Yuri sighed as he squeezed him back.

            “I fucked up.” Otabek said into the crook of Yuri’s neck, still choking back his tears. “I’m so fucking embarrassed.”

            “You shouldn’t be.” Yuri’s heart sank as he held him. Even back when they were friends, he’d always feel guilty if he put out a great skate and Otabek did poorly. “Beka, you’re gonna come back tomorrow and that’s all anyone’s gonna care about. It’s a small event. Don’t worry so much.”

            “I-I know we’re kind of risking it being affectionate right here, but can you just kiss me?” Otabek sniffed, pulling back to look at him. “I don’t want to think about what just happened and you always know how to clear my mind, so if you’re not too anxious about it, could you maybe just-“

            Yuri brought both hands to Otabek’s cheeks and pulled him in to a kiss, melding his lips against Otabek’s and holding him close, caressing the soft skin of his face as he kissed him with all the love he could muster. “ _I’m_ proud of you today, okay?” He whispered against Otabek’s wet lips when he pulled away, keeping one hand still in place. “Let’s go back to the hotel and I’ll order room service and rub your back until you feel better.”

            “I can’t believe how fucking doting you are.” Otabek smiled, his eyelashes clumped together as he looked down. “Never thought Yuri Plisetsky would kiss me and offer me a back massage.”

            “Shut up.” Yuri rolled his eyes. “Ready to go change? Yakov’s fine. We can just go.”

            Otabek wiped his eyes and nodded. “Let’s get out of here.”

**

            They changed quickly and retreated back to the hotel. Yuri’s stomach was upset, but he tried not to think about it. He needed to keep eating, or Otabek would just have something else to worry about, so he ordered some comfort food that would make Otabek feel a bit better and put it out of his mind.

            Otabek seemed okay after a little bit. Yuri rubbed the tension out of his shoulders and massaged his back, smothering him in kisses. When the food came, he choked it down, but he was anxious about tomorrow. If he skated badly, it’d look even worse and reflect poorly on Yakov for two star students to blow it at a small event.

            Yuri ate with Otabek, but the anxious butterflies were building and he felt queasy. He’d been doing good for a few days, he should really stay on track, but what if he panicked on the ice tomorrow? That would make everything worse for Otabek. It wouldn’t hurt him if he didn’t _know_ Yuri didn’t keep the food down.

            “Hey, I’ll be right back.” Yuri said, setting his plate on the nightstand and pressing a kiss to Otabek’s cheek before sliding out of bed.

            “Mmk.” Otabek shrugged, eyes on the TV as he finished his dinner.

            Yuri’s heart sank, but he went in to the bathroom and shut the door. He wouldn’t be able to skate well if he was anxious. One more time wouldn’t hurt, so he turned on the sink to cover the noise and knelt down in front of the toilet. It didn’t take his fingers, or anything to trigger it. His stomach lurched as soon as he bent over.

            He flushed the evidence as soon as he was finished and rinsed his mouth out in the sink before walking back out to Otabek. “Feeling better?”

            “Yeah.” Otabek sighed, his dishes discarded with Yuri’s. “Come cuddle with me.”

            “You’re so fucking dorky.” Yuri smiled as he came over and turned off the light, letting the TV light the hotel room as he crawled under the covers. He tucked himself right under Otabek’s arm and laid his head on his chest, sighing when he felt Otabek’s hand stroke down his back. “You gonna be okay tomorrow?”

            “Yeah, I’m gonna try not to worry so much. I really just want to skate well for you.”

            “For me?”

            “I mean with all you’re overcoming and you’re still getting out there and skating perfectly. What’s my excuse, you know? I’m just psyching myself out.” Otabek squeezed him and pressed a kiss to the top of Yuri’s head. “I’m really proud of you for eating right. It takes such a load off when I know you’re healthy.”

            Fuck. Yuri deserved that. “Yeah.” He sighed, feeling his heart sink in his chest. Otabek would be crushed if he knew what he’d been doing. “I can’t believe you’re not mad at me right now.”

            “I don’t like to stay mad. You messed up and you felt terrible and we talked about it, you apologized. There’s nothing to dwell on.” Otabek nuzzled his nose against Yuri’s hair and he relished in the touch.

            This was why Yuri was glad they were competing against each other. Instead of being stressed about the free skate, he was wrapped in Otabek’s arms. Being alone before had made it so easy to get in his head. Otabek just took all that stress away and as bad as he felt about throwing up, he was able to relax with Otabek holding him. “It’s weird competing without Grandpa calling to wish me luck. I’m glad I have you here.” Yuri said as he shut his eyes. “I don’t feel embarrassed, or guilty about this anymore. You’re good for me.”

            “That makes me so fucking happy, Yuri.” Otabek grinned, pulling the blanket up a little further to cover Yuri’s shoulders. “That’s all I wanted for you.”

            “Well thanks for dealing with me for so long. I think I’ll still have some issues with being in public, but I’ll probably get past it like everything else.” Yuri opened his eyes again and leaned up to give him a kiss, lingering for a moment so Otabek would feel all of that love and maybe it would make up a little bit for what he’d done in the bathroom. “I love you.” Yuri said when they parted. “Do you want to turn the TV off and go to sleep?”

            “Yeah.” Otabek smiled, nuzzling his nose against Yuri’s for a moment before reaching for the remote and shutting off the screen to leave them in darkness. “And I love you too.”

            “You’re gonna kill it tomorrow, yeah?”

            “Yeah.” Otabek laughed that time. “Sleep tight, Babe.”

**

            Otabek was definitely nervous in the morning, but he seemed to be overcoming it pretty well. Yuri dodged breakfast, still feeling some butterflies and he figured he’d be alright. Until he got on the ice, he just wanted to focus on Otabek and keeping him calm.

            They took a separate cab from Yakov and enjoyed one of the luxuries of being in Western Europe, sharing a few long kisses in the back seat when the driver wasn’t looking. Affection really calmed Otabek and Yuri was getting more and more comfortable with showing it outside of the rink and their apartment.

            A solid morning practice and a long lecture from Yakov on focus and motivation later, the free skate was underway. Yuuri felt just as confident in his free skate costume, a dark red velvet bodysuit, similar to the structure of his short program look. He liked to have connections between the two programs and having something skin tight that showed his silhouette made him feel good. He was reminded of how much more comfortable he was in costume with an empty stomach again.

            Otabek looked like a heart throb yet again. Dark blue with a _deep_ v-neck and transparent sleeves, so the muscles in his arms were on display.

            Yuri gave him one last kiss before they had to compete, tucked away in the back of the locker room once the other skaters had left. He swiped his tongue over his lower lip and held him until Yuri knew he was completely relaxed. “Let’s go do this, yeah?”

            Otabek had ended yesterday in sixth place, so he was the first of the group to skate. Yuri had the urge to bite his nails for the first time in years when he watched him take center ice.

            Otabek moved with more confidence than yesterday, empowered a bit by skating to his own music. He opened with a triple axel and landed clean, moving beautifully through the connecting steps they’d worked so hard on. The music he’d mixed fit his movements perfectly and his choreography had seriously come a long way. He was more flexible this season and it showed. Not to mention the work he’d put in to his edges. His skating skills had improved so much that he could cross the ice in two strides.

            “He’s better today.” Yakov nodded as they watched from the side of the rink, the crowd roaring when Otabek landed a quad combo. “How was he this morning?”

            “He was shaken up from yesterday, but he really wants to do well. We know how it looks to not have a good showing at opening events.” Yuri chewed the inside of his cheek as Otabek went into his camel spin combination, admiring how much better he was at it now, even incorporating an edge change. He shivered a little. He was a little bit proud of being the only one on the planet who could actually sleep with someone as attractive as that.

            Otabek stumbled on a triple loop at the end of a combination, but he didn’t fall and kept going with ease, moving right into a step sequence. The hardest jumps were out of the way and Otabek came to a stop right in time with his music, finishing to roaring applause from his fans and a small shower of roses onto the ice.

            Yuri’s heart felt lighter watching Otabek grin. He looked so proud of himself.

            Otabek came off the ice, arms full of plastic wrapped roses, and set them down on a rink side bench before pulling Yuri into a brief hug, careful not to linger for too long.

            “You did great, Beka.” Yuri smiled when they parted. “Go get your score.”

            He ended up a few points over the two hundred mark, a really great score for Otabek and it pushed him right in to first place. They had to wait for the rest of the group to go before it was Yuri’s turn. As yesterday’s first place holder, he was skating last. His stomach felt empty, but he didn’t feel weak, or any less energetic. He felt calm.

            “Just go and do what you have to do, Yuratchka.” Yakov said when Yuri removed his skate guards.

            “You’ll do great, Yura.” Otabek took the guards from him and they both resisted the instinct to kiss for good luck.

            “Thanks guys.” Yuri slid out of his jacket just in time for the announcer to call his name and he stepped out onto the ice, skating forward to the center as his fans roared and cheered. He liked that he had a program again where he could let the ballerina side of him shine. Some people might see that as girly, but he’d always looked at it as powerful.

            When his music started, he moved flawlessly through his opening choreography, sliding on deep edges, holding off on his jumps for later in the program. He went into his spiral sequence with ease and transitioned into his first spin, the difficult layback into a vertical Beilman. He felt fine going into it, but as he picked up speed in the spin, he felt his knee wobble a little bit. His stomach growled and after only a few rotations with his foot over his head, his other foot skidded out from under him.

            What the fuck? He’d never fallen on a spin before. Not even in juniors. He brushed it off as quick as he could and continued on, feeling weaker than before and his hip was throbbing from the fall. Shit, he’d only missed two meals. It shouldn’t have this much of an effect on his skating.

            Powering through was Yuri’s specialty. With thirty seconds left in the program, he suddenly felt exhausted, forcing himself through the motions and hanging on to the landing of his last triple axel. He should have fucking listened to Otabek. Skating without anything in his stomach and after throwing up the night before had him on thin fucking ice.

            He finished to thunderous applause, but he didn’t deserve it. Yuri grimaced as he got off the ice and blushed when he took his skate guards from Otabek.

            “Yuratchka, what was that? You’re known for those spins.” Yakov said.

            “I don’t know.” Yuri lied, still feeling light headed. “Let’s just get the score.” The score wouldn’t be bad, just far below his standard. He felt guilty that this wasn’t a competition where Otabek would pull ahead. Even with the disaster short program, his free skate was flawless.

            The score was just a few points below the two hundred mark, his presentation after suffering the most for the mistake on the spin and his grades of execution on the second half of the program were low.

            “You’re going on a new work out regimen.” Yakov sighed when they all left the arena, Yuri and Otabek changed into their street clothes as Yakov hailed the cab. “I don’t know why your stamina’s gone down, but we’ll get it back up.”

            “Yeah.” Yuri mumbled, Otabek giving him a knowing look from the side.

            When the cab pulled up, he sat in the back seat with Otabek, glancing down at the gold medal around his neck. It was an easy event, but still. He didn’t deserve gold. He shut his eyes so he wouldn’t well up and rested his head on Otabek’s shoulder. Why couldn’t he stop fucking up? He was trying to be better.

            At the hotel, Yakov went straight to his room and Yuri went with Otabek straight to theirs. They had to get up early the next morning for the flight home. It was a really quick turn around between this competition and Rostelecom Cup. Only one week with the new ISU schedule.

            “Come here. It was just a mistake.” Otabek said the moment they were alone, pulling Yuri into his arms and squeezing. “Hey, you still got gold and silver is high for me at any competition. Let’s not be sad tonight, okay? You shouldn’t have skipped breakfast. We know that even one meal makes a difference now, yeah?”

            Two meals. “Yeah.” Yuri sighed. “Sorry, I don’t mean to be a bummer. I know our sex ban ends tonight.”

            “We don’t have to have sex, Yura.”

            “But I want to.” Yuri slipped the medal off from over his head and went to the closet to tuck it in his suitcase, unzipping his jacket and sliding out of that too. “I said I’d make you feel good, yeah?”

            “You shouldn’t feel obligated.”

            “Hey.” Yuri stood up and walked back over to Otabek, getting up on his toes to kiss him properly. “Today sucked other than watching your free skate. I want to have crazy make up sex, okay?”

            “You know I’m not still mad at you right?”

            “Still. I want to build your trust in me again.” Yuri turned his head and dragged his lips down Otabek’s neck, stopping to suck on his collar a little bit, but not hard enough to leave a mark. He felt all kinds of guilt. He lied to Otabek about eating, he’d humiliated him in front of Victor and Yuuri just a few days ago. Otabek skated perfectly that evening. He deserved mind blowing sex that catered to everything he wanted. “Can I get naked?”

            “Are you sure you’re not too tired?”

            “ _Beka_.” Yuri rolled his eyes and pulled back to strip his shirt off, kicking his shoes to the side along with his socks and rolling down his leggings to step out of them. “Tell me whatever you want.”

            “I-I don’t know if I’m there yet.”

            “Okay.” Yuri nodded. He couldn’t say that wasn’t fair. “I’ll guess okay?”

            “Okay.” Otabek smiled at him, slipping out of his jacket.

            “Sit down and get comfy.” Yuri said as Otabek finished undressing, going to grab the lube and condoms they’d brought.

            He spent a lot of time on foreplay, blowing Otabek until he started to get vocal and his hands started to pull at his hair a little too hard. Yuri crawled into his lap and smothered him in kisses, his hands stopping to give the sensitive parts more attention. His nipples, the insides of his thighs, his ears that turned bright red when Yuri nibbled on them. Yuri went to prep himself, but Otabek insisted on doing that, slicking up his fingers and stretching him like he always did.

            “Beka.” Yuri whimpered, shutting his eyes and letting himself forget about all the worry on his mind. He was ready after just a few minutes and rolled the condom onto Otabek, slicking him up before straddling his thighs, putting his hands on his shoulders and sinking down.

            The sex was worth the wait.

            “Daddy.” Yuri purred into Otabek’s ear when he started to move up and down.

            “You don’t have to say that if you think it’s gross.” Otabek breathed, rolling his hips against Yuri’s.

            “I don’t think it’s gross. I like that you like it.” Yuri tightened himself and listened to Otabek gasp, dipping down to kiss his open lips. “Daddy.” He whispered again. “You feel so fucking good.”

            Otabek groaned and tightened his grip on Yuri’s waist, his head knocking back against the headboard as Yuri bounced in his lap.

            Yuri wanted him to feel secure again. Sex wouldn’t feel as good for him if he was insecure about what he liked, so Yuri buckled down and made sure to give Otabek as much sexual dirt on himself as Otabek had given him. “Beka.” He breathed into Otabek’s ear. “I want to tell you something.”

            “Yeah?” Otabek panted back and Yuri slowed his hips a bit to help him hang on.

            “I really fucking like when you dominate me.” Yuri said, pressing a kiss to his ear. “I mean, I _really_ like it, Beka. I have this fantasy I haven’t told you about.”

            Otabek lifted his head and raised his eyebrows, his face flushed as Yuri rolled his hips again. “Yeah?”

            “I want you to tie my wrist to the bed and fuck me so hard, I can’t walk.” Yuri said, pulling back and running his hand through his hair as he moved up and down. He didn’t like the feel of the condom after going without it for so long, but he loved the look on Otabek’s face. “I want you to get really fucking rough with me. I want to call you Daddy and I want you to call me your fucking toy and just thinking about it, makes me fucking-“

            “ _Yura_.” Otabek gasped, burying his face in Yuri’s shoulder as he shivered and came into the latex, bucking his hips up against Yuri’s ass. “Shit, sorry.” He breathed when it ended. “I didn’t mean to cum so soon, you were just…” Otabek pulled back and blinked. “Jesus, Yuri.”

            “Yeah?” He grinned, reaching down to drag his hand over himself. He was _painfully_ hard and unbearably close, but Yuri liked that he’d made Otabek feel good. “You don’t think I’m gross?”

            “Of course not. I mean, look what that did to me.” Otabek leaned up and planted a kiss on Yuri’s cheek. “Climb off, I’ll finish you.”

            Yuri lifted himself up and laid down beside him, purring when he opened his legs and Otabek was quick to move between them. He loved when they had real sex because of how close it made him feel to Otabek, but he really, really loved the feeling of Otabek’s mouth. It made him feel tingly and his thighs trembled against Otabek’s cheeks. He let his back arch up and he shivered as he moaned for Otabek, wanting him to know how good he felt.

            When he came, Otabek swallowed every drop, dragging his tongue around his cock to ease him through it until Yuri finished completely and he slid up the bed to kiss him.

            Yuri shut his eyes and just let himself feel all of it. Otabek lying over him, the warmth, the feeling of being spent after sex, the wetness of Otabek’s mouth and how Yuri could taste himself on his lips. He could stay there forever.

            He would have stayed there. Yuri had just turned his head to give Otabek’s neck some attention when his phone buzzed on the nightstand. He ignored it at first, nibbling a little on Otabek’s ear before moving down to his jaw until his phone started buzzing again. He tried one more time to ignore it, but then Otabek’s started buzzing on the floor too.

            “What the fuck?” Yuri sighed, pulling back. “Who’s hitting us up this late?”

            Otabek shrugged and rolled off of him, keeping one hand on Yuri’s thigh just to stay touching him when Yuri stretched over to grab his phone. There was a swarm of texts from what seemed like everyone they knew. Chris, Phichit, Georgi, Mila, asking if they were alright, saying sorry, but Yuri couldn’t process what they all were talking about until his phone went dark and Victor’s contact photo appeared.

            “Hello?” Yuri frowned as he answered the call, his stomach in knots. “My phone just blew up, what the fuck is going on?”

            “You don’t know?”

            “No, I was um… I-I’ve been with Otabek tonight, why’s everyone freaking out?”

            “Yuri, the medical records leaked.”

            “Huh?” Yuri pushed his eyebrows together. What was that supposed to mean?

            “You know how drug test results are public information right? Like just the official ones that we take for steroids, yeah?”

            “Yeah?”

            “The wrong files went up for you and Otabek. I-It said that you both had chlamydia? It got taken down, but you know how your fans are. It’s out and everyone is putting two and two together.”

            The color drained from Yuri’s face. He’d just gotten comfortable coming out to their _closest_ friends. Now the whole world knew. “You’re serious?”

            “Yeah, I’m so sorry. I didn’t know that you didn’t know yet. We wanted to make sure you were okay.”

            “Yura, what’s going on?” Otabek asked, his hand coming up to Yuri’s shoulder and squeezing.

            Yuri’s mouth was dry. How was he supposed to tell him they’d just been exposed to the entire world? Otabek wasn’t out in the public eye. This was going to hurt him too.

            “Are you okay?” Victor asked on the phone and Yuri’s mouth quivered.

            “Victor, I gotta go.” He sniffled. “C-Can you tell everyone to stop texting us?”

            “Yeah… Y-Yeah, I’ll tell them. Please let us know if you need anything okay?”

            “Okay.” Yuri hung up the phone and looked at Otabek with tears in his eyes, his empty stomach in knots as he moved over and fell into his arms. “Everyone knows, Beka.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm a little behind in finishing this fic, but I promise to update soon! by next friday at the latest. I'm leading the domestic otayuri zine "a place to call home" on tumblr and its taking most of my tiiimmeee


	16. Chapter Sixteen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Y'all know it's time for them climactic moments mmm

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey!!! I know this chapter is pretty late and that's partially bc i was out of town but also i've been working really really hard on the climactic chapters of this story (including this one) i know there have been some boring chapters, but i promise things really come to a head here and the story is probably going to wrap up at chapter twenty (possibly a chapter or two earlier). I hope it was worth the wait!!

            They didn’t have long to recover. Rostelecom Cup was six days from when they got home. Yuri felt humiliated, but for the first time, he saw Otabek hurt by the aspect of people knowing he was gay. His parents had known, but none of his extended family. His grandparents on his father’s side had lost it, cutting Otabek’s father out of the will. One of his aunts had stopped speaking to his mother and the whole family was at war over his parents defending him. Yuri knew how much it meant to Otabek to have his parents support, but he could see it was killing him that they were losing loved ones because of him.

            It would have been one thing for their relationship to be exposed, but it had been exposed through a medical record. The whole world didn’t just know they were gay, or that they were dating, but that they were having sex and they’d gotten an STD from it. Even a straight athlete would be humiliated if that kind of health information got out.

            Yuri told Yakov he didn’t want to train hard for Rostelecom, telling him that he would psych himself out over small mistakes if he did, but really he couldn’t bring himself to hold any food down. He ate in front of Otabek, then puked it all up the moment he could get away. Sure, a little bit would stay down and that kept him going a little, but the anxiety of skating in front of the whole world in just six days with _everyone_ thinking about his sex life made him feel sick.

            He’d worked so hard. He’d worked so fucking hard to be known as a great skater, but now he’d be known for a scandal. No one would care how well he skated. He didn’t want to fall again and he knew that he had to eat to keep his strength up, but there was just no way for him to keep more than a protein bar down. His stomach was so constantly upset from nerves that the sight of food made him feel ill.

            He was sitting out on one of the rinkside benches, staring up at the ceiling when he heard footsteps coming towards him and Victor leaned over into Yuri’s vision.

            “Can we talk?” Victor asked and Yuri rolled his eyes.

            “You don’t have to be my dad every time something bad happens to me.” Yuri grimaced. “Beka needs some help you know.”

            “Yuuri gave him his pep talk yesterday, don’t worry.” Victor smiled, waiting for Yuri to sit up before he sat down next to him and bent over to untie his skates. “Look, I don’t want you to freak out at Rostelecom, okay? I know how nerve wracking the first competition after you come out can be.”

            “I’m not nervous.” Yuri huffed. “I just don’t want everyone caring so much about my personal life. I want them to care about my skating.”

            “Then go out and skate like you always do.”

            “I mean, that’s kind of the plan.”

            “Then why aren’t you practicing?” Victor asked, popping his feet out of his skates and crossing his legs. “That’s what has me worried about you.”

            “Stop worrying about me so much. Fuck.” Yuri rolled his eyes again. “I don’t want to psych myself out.”

            “That hasn’t been a problem for you before. I just don’t want you to be afraid to skate because-“

            “I’m _not_ afraid to fucking skate, Victor.” Yuri took his guards off and stood up, slipping the hair tie from his wrist to tie his hair up out of his eyes. He couldn’t just fucking tell him that he wasn’t skating because he’d turned into a bulimic mess. He had to save what little energy he had. “Can you guys leave me alone on this one? I’m fine.”

            “Yuri, it can be really hard to be a gay athlete in this country. We might not get arrested because of how well we do, but-“

            “I said I’m fine.” Yuri glared. “Go deal with someone else’s personal problems, okay?”

            Victor shrugged his shoulders, used to this kind of backlash from him, but this time Yuri felt kind of guilty. Victor was trying to help, but he couldn’t come clean about the real problem.

            He ran his step sequences and small jumps, focusing mostly on his spins. He needed to practice hanging onto them through the light headedness. Otabek was home for the day and Yuri was actually worried about him being alone. Not like he’d do anything, but he was really fucking sad and Yuri wanted to get back to him as soon as Yakov would let him be done for the day.

            He practiced what he felt he could for the next few hours, making sure not to push it too far before he headed out.

            Yuri took an Uber home and entered the apartment to find Otabek curled up on the couch. He’d had a hard day of practice yesterday, determined to skate his best at Rostelecom, but Yuri knew he hadn’t stayed home because he was tired. “Hey Beka.” He said, walking over to him and kneeling down in front of his face. “How are you feeling?”

            “My mom cried on the phone.” Otabek grimaced. “Her sister still won’t talk to her and she’s still just defending me to the whole family. Dad is too and it’s making half of the rest of the family hate them.”

            Yuri’s heart sank. “Just try to remember the stuff you told me, yeah? If your extended family cares this much about you being gay, they’re not really your family.”

            “I don’t really care about them. Just my parents.” Otabek sighed and sat up. “How was practice?”

            “It was fine. Victor keeps trying to be a father figure.”

            “I think it’s cute when he does that with you.” Otabek smiled a bit, leaning over to give him a kiss. “I missed you. You feeling better today?”

            “Yeah.” Yuri nodded. He was hoping to keep down dinner that night. “At least our fans don’t hate us. They’re losing their shit over all this.”

            “It is kind of nice to have the support of a few thousand strangers.”

            Yuri got up and took a seat next to him, leaning in to kiss Otabek’s cheek. “Thank God we have this competition together, yeah? I think I’d really lose it if I had to do this alone.”

            “Yeah, we’ll get through it. We should be honest in the interviews now though. No more lying.”

            Yuri nodded and leaned his head on Otabek’s shoulder. “If we’re not separated, try to stay, so we can do interviews together. I’m gonna be nervous.”

            “Me too. I’m not ashamed, but I’m not used to the whole world knowing how I have sex.” Otabek pressed a few lazy kisses into Yuri’s hair. “Are you pissed at me?”

            “Why would I be pissed at you?”

            “I mean… if I didn’t have that stupid STD, this wouldn’t have really happened, you know?”

            “It’s not your fault, Beka.” Yuri said, nuzzling his cheek against Otabek’s shoulder. “It’s not anyone’s. I’m gonna make dinner tonight, okay? I’ll make manti.”

            “Really?” Otabek grinned. “You know how to make that?”

            “You always crave Kazakh food when you’re sad. Especially when you miss your parents and stuff.” Yuri shrugged. “I figured it might make you feel a little better.”

            “You’re so fucking sweet.” Otabek said, hugging him with both arms and squeezing. “Do you want to get Potya and chill for a little before you start cooking?”

            “Mhm.” Yuri nodded, melting right into him as they settled into the couch. At least with all the shit going down, he could always have this comfort. “Let me know what you want for dessert.”

**

            Yuri ate a little bit of the dinner, trying to ease himself back into it, and kept it down despite how nervous he felt. They used sex to reconnect and relax before bed, moving slowly, kissing, and staying close. It helped take their minds off of the problems at hand, but mostly, it helped them fall asleep when they had so much to worry about.

            They practiced together for the next four days until it was time to travel again. Yuri was managing to keep one full meal down a day, but the closer the competition, the more anxious he got and it was a battle just to keep down lunch.

            Yuri’s heart rate was up just getting their bags packed and by the time they got to the airport with Yakov and Georgi, who was competing too, he was shaking. He hated how big Russia was. Having to fly to an event in their own country was so fucking dumb and he was nervous enough without throwing in his flight anxiety.     When they boarded, Otabek put their suitcases in the overhead and sat next to him, Yakov and Georgi behind them. “Come here.” He said, pulling his earbuds out of his pockets and plugging them into his phone before leaning over to give Yuri a brief kiss. “I know you’re really nervous, but it’s a short flight yeah? We’ll get through it.”

            “Thanks.” Yuri took the earbud and put it in before tucking himself under Otabek’s arm, shutting his eyes and resting his head on Otabek’s shoulder. He was trembling a bit and he hated how pathetic he was acting.

            Otabek turned some music on, a band he’d shown Yuri a while back that he knew he liked and held him close while passengers got settled. “Don’t be scared. We’ll be together for this whole thing.”

            Yuri nodded and blushed when Otabek kissed his forehead. There was no reason for them not to be affectionate in public anymore. It was weird to think they could just kiss without much consequence.

            When the plane took off, Yuri clung to Otabek, eyes shut and tense until they leveled out and he could relax a little bit.

            Otabek doted on him for the whole ride, stroking his hair, pressing little kisses against his head and playing music that kept him calm. He was beyond grateful having someone like Otabek. They were both nervous, but Otabek was focused on comforting Yuri.

            Yuri still hadn’t eaten. His stomach was in knots and the altitude made him nauseous, but he was grateful that Otabek wasn’t noticing, or obsessing over how much he was eating.

            There was already press when they landed at the airport. Just photographers, so thankfully no interviews, but Yuri’s face was bright red when they caught them right off the plane. He’d been holding Otabek’s hand and nearly ripped it out of his grip when he saw cameras, but he thought better of it. Everyone knew anyways, but he still felt anxious being seen in a relationship with Otabek. Still, he kept holding his hand and squeezed as they rushed past, Yakov and Georgi leading the way.

            There wasn’t enough room for all of them to fit in one cab, so Yakov went first with Georgi and they caught the next one, keeping the glass closed between them and the driver once they gave him the hotel, so they could talk.

            “Are you doing okay?” Otabek asked, kissing his forehead and keeping his hand on Yuri’s thigh. “That was kind of intense back there.”

            “It’s just pictures I guess.” Yuri sighed. “This is really stressful.”

            “Do you wanna order food to the room?”

            “Sure.” He mumbled, resting his head on Otabek’s shoulder. He wouldn’t be able to keep it down anyways. “I just want to stay in until the competition.”

            “Okay.” Otabek kissed him on the top of his head and gave his hand a squeeze as they were driven towards the hotel. “You’re gonna do great tomorrow. Don’t think about any of the drama.”

            “Thanks, Beka.” He almost wished they could just go back home. He wanted to crawl under the covers with Otabek in their own bed, Potya sitting by their feet, and just forget about everything. His stomach hurt so fucking bad.

            Yuri stayed quiet until they arrived, afraid there could be more press waiting for them at the hotel, but they were alone. They checked in and went straight to the room, Yuri crawling right in to bed while Otabek ordered room service. He’d eat as much as he could, then go get it back out of him. He might not even have to try to throw up, he felt so fucking anxious.

            “Are you okay?” Otabek asked when he hung up the phone and came to join him on the bed. “You’ve been really quiet today.”

            “I’m just nervous. I don’t want to dwell on it.” Yuri pushed the covers off and rolled over, so he could be in Otabek’s arms. He never hesitated to snuggle into him anymore. The comfort was too soothing to give up.

            Otabek knew when not to push, so he just laid there and held him, pressing soft kisses onto his forehead and squeezing whenever Yuri shifted a bit.

            When the food came, they got up and ate in the kitchen, Yuri stuffing down half his plate before he made the excuse that he was going to go shower.

            Closing the bathroom door, he felt worse than ever about sneaking away to throw up. He slid open the glass door of the hotel shower and turned the water on to mask the noise, about to kneel in front of the toilet when there was a knock on the door.

            “Yura? Can I come in?”

            “Uh, yeah?” Yuri blushed. “What is it?”

            “Do you uh… mind if I join you?” Otabek blushed too as he stepped into the bathroom and shut the door. “I’m pretty nervous, I just uh… I don’t know, I like showering with you. But it’s okay, you don’t have to-“

            “Beka, it’s fine.” Yuri smiled. His heart warmed at Otabek acting so clingy, but his stomach still ached and his heart was still pounding with anxiety. He really needed to puke, but he couldn’t turn Otabek away. “I think the water’s good.”

            “Okay.” Otabek grinned and ran over to give him a kiss on the cheek before he stripped himself down and Yuri followed suit.

            His stomach hurt, but he slid the glass door back again and stepped in to the water with Otabek, letting him stand under the water and pressing himself up against him, so he could rest his head on his shoulder, his arms wrapped lazily around Otabek’s waist as the steam started to cloud the glass.

            “We should just try to keep our minds off of everything, you know?” Otabek mumbled as he pressed his lips to Yuri’s shoulder, one hand drifting down to palm over his ass. “Come here.” He stepped around to switch their position and put Yuri’s back in the water, sinking down to his knees to give him some extra attention.

            Yuri’s heart skipped a beat, but his stomach lurched at the same time and he sped to step around Otabek and throw the shower door open just in time to puke into the toilet bowl, his body making the decision for him this time around. Shit, had he been doing this so much that he couldn’t _not_ do it anymore? Fuck, fuck, fuck. Otabek would know now. He’d just seen it and he would know Yuri was lying and be fucking devastated and-

            “Holy shit, Yura you’re sick?” Otabek said as he stepped out and grabbed a towel. “Why didn’t you say something? Were you feeling bad before?” He tied the towel around his waist and fumbled to pour him a glass of water on the sink before kneeling down next to him and rubbing his back. “Here, get the taste out. Are you okay?”

            “U-Umm, yeah thanks.” Yuri stammered, taking the glass and drinking half of it before handing it back. Otabek didn’t have a clue that this was a regular occurance for him after all.

            “Your food must have been bad. I’m so sorry.” Otabek said, his eyes wide and full of concern as he stood up and got a towel for Yuri too. “I-I mean, you are sick right?”

            Yuri’s heart leapt to his throat.

            “You’re not going back to being grossed out by me are you? Or not me, I guess, but grossed out by sex with me or anything?”

            He sighed in relief and stood up. “No, Beks. I’m just not feeling great.”

            “Well shit, let’s get you in bed, so you can rest for tomorrow.” Otabek pressed a hand to his forehead. “I don’t think you have a temperature, can I get you anything?”

            God, he was so doting even when Yuri didn’t deserve the attention. “I’m fine, Beka.”

            “Are you sure?”

            “Yeah.” Yuri nodded. With the food out of his system, his anxiety had simmered down and with Otabek not catching on to the truth, he actually felt kind of relaxed. “I um… I think I’m just gonna go to bed early.”

            “Okay. I’ll come with you.” Otabek nodded, stepping forward to press one more kiss to Yuri’s cheek. “Dry off. I’ll go get some extra pillows and stuff.”

            “Thanks, Beka.” Yuri watched him go and bit hard on the inside of his cheek when the door shut just to keep his mouth from quivering. How could he keep lying to Otabek like this?

**

            The morning was busy enough that Yuri dodged breakfast without it being noticed.

            The official practice was difficult. Fan girls were in the stands, squealing and screaming every time he so much as glanced at Otabek, swarming as close to them as they could get from the seats when he was off the ice and talking to him. Even if they liked that he was gay, he felt like a freak more than ever. The camera flashes he spotted out of the corner his eye were twice as frequent as they usually were and he was struggling against the lightheadedness of not eating.

            There wasn’t much time between their official practice time and the beginning of the competition, so they had to do their best to ignore everything and get ready to compete.

            “I really can’t fuck this up.” Yuri grimaced once his skates were on. As usual, they were the last to be ready, hanging back in the locker room. “If I skate like shit, now it’s gonna be because I’m gay, not just because I had an off day. That’s the stupid shit people are gonna think.”

            “Don’t think about it like that. We just have to do the best we can.”

            “I know, it’s just nervewracking kind of.” Yuri sighed and stood up, letting Otabek pull him in to a kiss for a bit of comfort and good luck. Yuri was up first in the final group, so he didn’t have much time to get ready.

            “Just skate for us, okay? Skate for yourself and all the hard work that you want to be noticed and skate for me, so I can watch the most gorgeous skater on the Grand Prix circuit kill it, yeah?”

            “Okay.” Yuri laughed, his stomach growling a little as he pressed one more kiss to Otabek’s cheek, but it wasn’t loud enough for him to hear. “We should go.”

            They headed out for warm up and Yuri was careful not to push himself too hard in the six minutes. He avoided the quads and focused more on the spins, making sure he could complete them without losing balance.

            Otabek on the other hand, was kind of nailing it. He landed three quads in the warm up, to the crowd’s enormous applause, and stepped off the ice grinning while Yuri followed hesitantly behind. Georgi had already skated, so Yakov just had the two of them to deal with in the last group of the day.

            “Ignore all the cameras and the drama, Yuratchka.” Yakov said. “You and Otabek are the best skaters here. Make sure that’s your headline.”

            “Got it.” Yuri nodded, taking a deep breath as he shrugged off his jacket, handing it to Yakov before taking off his skate guards, which Otabek took for him.

            “Yura.” Otabek said, reaching his free hand out to grab Yuri’s and squeezing. “We don’t have to censor anymore, yeah? Do you need anything from me?”

            Yuri met his eyes and understood what he was asking, but a kiss on camera was still too nervewracking for him. He moved forward instead and hugged him tight, ignoring how it made the crowd erupt into half cheers half murmurs until they called his name on the loudspeaker. “I love you.” He murmured, knowing there wasn’t anything to pick up their audio right then.

            “I love you too. Go kill it.” Otabek smiled when they parted and Yuri stepped out onto the ice.

            The crowd roared as loud as it usually did which was comforting, but it didn’t make his heart racing. He took his starting position and tried to breathe deep, moving through his beginning motions when the music began. He knew that his steps were flawless, but his stomach was in knots like he was trying to make a comeback. It shouldn’t feel like a comeback, he’d just won gold in Germany.

            His jumps were all saved for the second half of the short program, so he had time to shake it off and warm up. He brought this leg up in a spiral that synchronized with the sliding guitar and felt his knee wobble a little bit, sending his heart straight to his throat. That shouldn’t be happening so early in a program. Not to him.

            Yuri fought to maintain his extension then brought his leg back down, transitioning into his first spin element. It was the easiest of the program which meant he always got great speed on it. He crouched down into a sit spin with his leg fully extended before standing, tilting his body sideways to transition into a doughnut spin. His head was feeling light, so he shut his eyes to keep the motion blur from making it worse and tried to focus. The metal blade was cool and wet in his hand as he spun, gaining speed, but his head was feeling lighter and lighter. Shit, he couldn’t stay upright much longer even if he had to hurt his GOE to end the spin early.

            Yuri opened his eyes and straightened up, letting his leg down, but the arena was one enormous blur. It was like he wasn’t even spinning, the colors just blurred together into a gradient, his vision becoming dark around the corners and suddenly, he couldn’t hear his music properly. The dark borders grew, encasing more of his blurry vision until everything was quiet. Silent. His vision went black.

            “Yura? Yura, plase wake up. Wake up, _shit_ wake up.”

            “Beka?” Yuri blinked his eyes open. “Wha?”

            “Thank God.” Yakov sighed, running a hand over his face.

            “Huh?” Yuri blinked some more to focus his vision and propped himself up on his elbows. He was on a gurney, still in costume, skates still on, tucked away in the backstage alcove where he could still see the ice through open curtains. “Wait-“

            “Yuri, you scared the shit out of me.” Otabek croaked, his eyes huge and watery. “Are you okay? What happened out there?”

            “Lay back down.” Another voice said and Yuri turned his head to see one of the rink’s paramedic, a blonde haired Russian woman with green scrubs and concern on her face.

            Yuri frowned and lowered his head, wincing when it laid back on the padded gurney. “Ow, shit.”

            “You don’t have a concussion, but you hit your head when you fainted. Don’t move.”

            “Wait, what was my score?” Yuri asked, his heart starting to beat hard again as he looked up at Yakov. “Yakov, seriously.”

            “You fainted in your first spin, Yura. There’s no score.”

            Shit, that’s right. He hadn’t finished. He hadn’t fucking finished, he was invalid. He would be written off from the free skate. Yuri’s eyes widened and he shot up, ignoring the paramedic’s insistence that he lie down. “Yakov get me back out there.”

            “Yura, you’re in no shape-“

            “ _Yakov!”_ Yuri barked. “This is my entire fucking season!”

            “It’s not.” Yakov sighed. “It’s one event and you shouldn’t-“

            “Don’t give me that crap. If I lose a Grand Prix assignment, I lose the finals. That makes the next competition _garbage_. This will cost me half my season. I’ll lose my fucking world rank.” Yuri hissed, his face heating up as tears filled his eyes. He was such a fucking idiot. He should have forced himself to eat and keep it down. He should have done fucking anything to keep himself going.

            “Yura, we don’t even know why you fainted. Going back out there, you’re only going to hurt yourself. You hit your head on the ice when you fell.”

            “Yuri?” Otabek asked and Yuri’s stomach turned. His voice was soft and quiet, not like the panicked concern he’d heard just a minute ago.

            “ _Lie down_.” The paramedic interrupted, so Yuri complied and laid back before turning to Otabek.

            “Is there anything you’re not telling me?” Otabek said, his eyes cast down to the concrete floor beneath them.

            “Listen.” The medic sighed before Yuri could answer. “I think this is a malnutrition issue. We see it in skaters all the time. He doesn’t have a fever, or any sign of illness that could have exhausted him, or made him faint.”

            Yuri’s heart sank and he looked over to see Otabek’s mouth quivering. “Beka-“

            “Yuri, what have you been doing?” Otabek sniffed. “I-I see you eat. I-I watch you all the time to make sure you’re eating. What’s going on with you?”

            The paramedic grimaced and looked towards Yakov. “You’re his coach, correct?”

            Yakov nodded.

            “I might have an answer for what’s going on.” She took a small flashlight from her pocket. “Yuri, open your mouth.”

            Yuri swallowed the lump in his throat and did what he was told, blinking back tears as the light was shown into his mouth.

            “There’s a lot of redness in the throat and some minor yellowing of the back molars.” She said as he shut the light off and let Yuri close his mouth. “He has a lot of bulimic symptoms.”

            “Yuri.” Otabek choked, a tear slipping down his cheek as he looked at him. “You’ve been making yourself throw up?”

            “Beka, I’m so sorry.” Yuri breathed, his chest tightening. “Please, I just didn’t want to scare you, but I couldn’t eat without feeling like I was going to have a panic attack a-and-“

            “But you lied to me about it?” Otabek’s voice wobbled as he spoke. “You lied to me every time we ate together? Do you realize how many times that is?”

            “I didn’t want to scare you, please don’t hate me.” Yuri hiccupped and reached for his hand, grabbing and squeezing as hard as he could with how weak he felt. He couldn’t get his heart to stop racing. He was caught between panicking over not being able to skate and having hurt Otabek so badly.

            “How many times are we going to go through this with you?” Otabek choked, taking his hand away and wiping his eyes. “You know I’d love you no matter how much you were struggling, but you made me fucking think that you were better while you did this to yourself behind my back. You could _die_ doing this to your body, Yura.”

            “We don’t have time for this.” Yakov grimaced. “You two work this out later. Yuri, you’re going to have to go to a clinic. Forget your grand prix season.”

            “Are you kidding me?!” Yuri choked back a sob and brought his hands to his face, balling his hands into fists and pressing them against his eyes like he could make the whole situation pause if he just pressed hard enough. “Fuck no.”

            “We’ll fly back home as soon as the competition’s done. Otabek still has to compete and so does Georgi tomorrow.”

            “I’m not doing this.” Yuri sniffled, taking his hands away and blinking the tears back as he sat up. “Fuck this.”

            “Yuratchka-“

            “They’ll let you skate if you get injured during your program and feel up to trying again.” Yuri croaked. “I know the rules. They can move me to the end.”

            “You’re not getting back on that ice.” Yakov glared. “You’ve done enough damage to yourself, there’s no way in hell-”

            “Where are they in the lineup?” Yuri glared right back, but the announcer answered the question for him. He heard the call for JJ’s name and took a deep breath. That was the last skater. There was time. Just barely. But did that mean-? “Did Beka skate?”

            “Personal best.” Yakov nodded and Yuri’s eyes widened as he whipped around to look at Otabek.

            “Beka, you…?”

            “I-I thought…” Otabek stopped and swallowed hard, blinking his eyes rapidly as he stood there, hugging himself as he tried to speak. Yuri felt his heart drop all the way to his stomach seeing him battle tears so hard that he could hardly even talk. “I thought you fainted because you had a panic attack. I wanted to skate really well, so as soon as I got off the ice, you’d be up and I could tell you that um… th-that I did a good job.” He sniffled. “I thought it would make you feel like there was less pressure on you. I didn’t know you fainted because you stopped eating again.”

            Yuri’s eyes welled, but he forced himself to push it back and shoved himself off the gurney. “I’m gonna make this right, okay?” He said, grabbing Otabek’s wrist and squeezing, looking at him one more time with pleading eyes. “I’m gonna go to the referee.”

            Yuri pulled away and hurried off, ignoring Yakov and the medic’s calls to stop as he rushed back out and hurried over to the judge panel. He had to try. If he didn’t try then he was nothing. He was everything that everyone assumed he was. Weak.

            “Hey, hey can I go again?” He asked with his heart threatening to beat out of his chest as he stared at the referee with his fingers crossed. She was an older ISU official and he’d seen her make good accomodations before at events. “I feel better. I-I want another shot.”

            “Are you prepared to begin right after Leroy?”

            Yuri nodded his head hard just as the music for JJ’s short program ended. “All I want is my thirty seconds.”

            The referee nodded. “Get ready.”

            “Thank you so much.” Yuri took a deep breath and scrambled back to the bench where he had his stuff.

            Yakov stepped through the curtains into the arena just as Yuri rummaged through his duffel bag and grabbed a granola bar, scarfing half of it down in one bite and chugging from his water bottle just in time for them to announce his name for the second time and too late for Yakov to physically stop him.

            He could do this. He could make this fucking happen. No quads. Just triples. Shorten the spins. Just get _anything_ but an invalidated score.

            Yuri wiped his eyes and rushed back out to center ice, taking deep breaths all the way. He looked back when he made it there to see Yakov fuming, but Otabek was nowhere to be found. He’d never seen Otabek so upset he couldn’t speak before.

            Powering through wasn’t the motto this time around. When his music started, he breathed as evenly as he could, deep in and out, taking things one step at a time, simplifying where he could. He didn’t need a podium today. He just needed enough that he could win the next Grand Prix and scrape his way into the final.

            When he entered the first spin this time, he went until he felt his vision darkening, then transitioned positions, pulling out of the spin the moment he felt himself start to slip away again. He moved the first jump to earlier in the program and thanked God he’d practiced improvisation skills hard, so he could easily make changes on the fly. He was dizzy and off balance landing just a lone triple, but the crowd erupted when he did it, louder than he’d ever heard an audience cheer for him before.

            As much as he hated to lower his standard, he did it as much as possible. His head throbbed from where he’d hit it and balancing was harder than ever, but all he had to do was make it to the end. He fell on the end of the triple-triple, but it wasn’t a hard fall. He shoved himself up, focused his vision as best as he could and turned the triple axel into a double. Everything hurt, but he went into the final spin anyways. He pulled off the haircutter for a few rotations, but knew he could never do the straight-legged Bielman without fainting, so he rotated slowly until the music ended and stopped, falling onto his knees and panting.

            He’d done it. It’d be a shit score by his standards, but he’d done it. No one could say he was a sissy faggot skater when he’d just pulled off a fucking program with a head injury. They could all go fuck themselves.

            Yuri stood up as soon as he felt like he could without falling and looked out at the packed arena chanting his name. They were still behind him. He’d gotten back up and proved to them he was worth getting behind.

            He skated back to the edge of the ice as the crowd continued to cheer and sighed when Yakov grabbed his arm, yanking him off the ice.

            “If you ever pull something like this again, I’m dropping you as a student. Do you hear me? I don’t care how many gold medals you have. I’ll have no part in this self destruction.”

            “Okay.” Yuri breathed, shutting his eyes and leaning his head back as he caught his breath. “Where’s Otabek?”

            “Backstage crying because you only think about yourself.” Yakov grumbled, tightening his grip on Yuri’s arm and tugging him towards the kiss and cry. “Let’s at least see the numbers.”

            Sixty points was a score that would have Yuri tearing his hair out on any other occasion, but this time it was a relief. He was in eleventh place, but he felt confident that he could skate his way to the top six in the free skate.

            As soon as they had the numbers, Yuri tried to race off to find Otabek, anxious to talk things through and fix them as best he could, but a reporter was waiting for him by the curtains. He’d seen her before. She wasn’t with the Russian channels, but the Olympic channel and she had red-dyed hair just like Mila’s, so he always recognized her. Her interviews always got on the international streams and his stomach flipped thinking about having to do an interview when he was ready to pass out for a second time and panicked that the love of his life might not want to ever look at him again.

            “Yuri Plisetsky!” She beamed, holding a microphone to his face while her cameraman filmed. “Tell us what just happened out there! Do you predict participating in the free skate under your current condition?”

            “I… I-I um…” Yuri swallowed hard. Shit, Otabek would want him to say something inspiring, or something. He really just wanted to leave, but maybe this was his only shot to determine what the headlines about him were going to say. “I-I don’t believe in giving up no matter what the circumstances are. I wasn’t feeling my best today and so i-it’s really unfortunate to faint in the middle of a program, but it would be even more unfortunate to miss out on an entire competition.”

            “What made you get back out there?”

            Yuri took a deep breath. Shit, there were so many things. His pride in his skating, his determination to be defined by something other than his sexuality, his love for Otabek and wanting to prove to him that he was okay. “There’s been a lot of gossip about me lately. I want the number one thing people know me as to be a great skater. That’s who I am. I’m not who I love even though I um…” He felt his face turn red, but shit, Otabek had to know that he did love him enough to tell the world that. Even if it scared him, Yuri really did love him enough to face those fears. “I do love him. Otabek Altin. But we’re great skaters first and foremost and we make each other great. We’re not weaker than other athletes and I hope I showed that today. For both of us.” He nodded his head to say that he was finished and quickly ducked away before he could be asked another question, hurrying to get through the curtains and search the backstage area.

            Where would Otabek go? The locker room would be full by now and Otabek would want to be alone. The only place no one would be once the competition ended was the viewing area.

            Yuri bent down to untie his skates and yanked them off one at a time as fast as he could before jogging down the hallway, past the locker room to the open space with the TV screens that played all of the programs, interviews, and kiss and cry shots for skaters waiting to take the ice.

            There was Otabek, the only one in the room, sitting on the front bench in front of a flat screen TV playing the Zamboni-cam.

            “Beka?”

            He didn’t respond and the lump in Yuri’s throat ached.

            “Beka, I’m sorry.”

            “I saw what you said just now.” Otabek sniffed, still not turning to face him. “They played the interview live in here.”

            “Yeah?” Yuri bit his lip and walked over to sit next to him, setting his skates on the floor and looking over at his boyfriend’s face. He still looked so sad, his eyelashes clumped together from crying and his gaze cast down at his feet like he couldn’t bring himself to look at Yuri’s face.

            “I’m pissed at you, Yura.” Otabek croaked. “Really pissed. And really fucking hurt, but so worried at the same time and so amazed because you just pulled off that program, but still terrified and mad and I don’t know what to do.” Otabek sighed. “You’re ready to tell the whole world you love me now, but you couldn’t tell me you’ve been battling an eating disorder? A real eating disorder that you hid from me when we live together and I’m supposed to be taking care of you. I know how you feel about me being responsible for you in some ways, but I don’t care. We both know I was supposed to stop exactly this from happening.”

            “It’s not your fault.”

            “It is. I should have figured it out.” Otabek grimaced. “I should have noticed that you always run to the bathroom right after dinner and that you always turn the sink on, or the shower. This is why you threw up last night isn’t it?”

            Yuri’s heart sank. “I made the shower excuse, so I could throw up dinner, but then you came in and I didn’t want to turn you away. It’s become kind of a reflex now, so I got anxious and it happened before I could stop it. I’m nauseous right now just from eating half a protein bar before I got on the ice.”

            “It’s that bad?”

            Yuri took a deep breath and nodded. “Yeah. It’s that bad.”

            “Yuri.” Otabek looked up at the ceiling and blinked his eyes. “What am I supposed to do to help you?”

            “Beka, you have to stop.” Yuri leaned in and wrapped his arms around him, fully prepared for Otabek not to hug him back. “You don’t have to do anything. I-I need help. Professional help. You don’t have to put all of this on yourself, I’m just fucked up and it’s not because of you and I’m gonna actually get my shit together this time, okay? I-If I have to go away to a rehab center, I will and I’ll come back healthy and you won’t have to worry anymore.”

            “Please get better, Yuri.” Otabek choked, putting his arms around him too. “My heart can’t take any more of this. I-I’m serious, I love you and it hurts me so much when you’re in pain. I will support you so fucking much in every step of recovery, but you have to recover. No more trying to deal with this on your terms. You’re getting real help.”

            “I will, I promise. The second we get home.” Yuri said, squeezing his eyes shut as he hugged Otabek back. “Beka, I’m so sorry.”

            “Yeah.” Otabek sniffled as he pulled away and wiped his eyes. “If you give me another heart attack, I swear to God.”

            “I won’t.” Yuri grabbed his hand and laced their fingers together, resting his head on Otabek’s shoulder and taking a deep breath. “I’m done putting you through all of this. For good this time.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yuri's /real/ recovery begins! Woo! Finally, a healthy boy!


	17. Chapter Seventeen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rostelecom wrap up!! Time to get our boy back home!!

When they were back at the hotel, an outpatient nurse was ready to meet them. On any other occasion, Yuri would have probably had to be wrestled down to have an IV put in, but since he was insisting on completing the free skate, they had to prevent another fainting incident. He stayed in the hotel bed with the IV in his wrist and Otabek by his side, thankful every passing second that Otabek was still there with him at all.

            The nurse brought dinner to the bed and monitored him while he ate every bite. He felt like even more of a freak than before, but he didn’t complain. He’d brought it on himself.

            When she left, he still had the IV in and he’d have to wait for her to come back in the morning for it to be taken out. Trying to sleep with a needle in his arm was going to be a nightmare, but Otabek put a movie on and held the hand that was free.

            “So did you tell your therapist what was going on?” Otabek asked, his voice softer and less accusatory than before.

            “No.” Yuri answered honestly. “I thought I could deal with it on my own.”

            “When did it get bad?”

            “Not until really recently. Before Nebelhorn, it was just now and then. After we got outed because of those stupid medical records, it started happening all the time.”

            Otabek nodded and looked over at him, tugging the comforter up a little bit to make sure he wasn’t cold. “You don’t think you’re fat do you?”

            “No.” Yuri sighed. “But I do feel less anxious wearing something skin tight when my stomach is empty, you know?”

            “Mhm.” Otabek took a deep breath. “Is there anything else at all that you should tell me? I’m not gonna be mad about anything, I just… I need us to have every single thing out in the open now. You can’t hide things from me anymore.”

            “There’s nothing else.” Yuri turned his head, so his cheek was against the pillow and his eyes were looking straight in to Otabek’s. “I promise.”

            “So if you slip up again, you have to tell me okay? I just…” Otabek stopped and chewed on his lip for a moment. “Yuri, I was hurt that you lied to me, but I’m never going to be upset with you if you make a mistake. Especially when it’s because you’re hurting. So just be honest with me.”

            “I will be.” Yuri nodded and welled up a teeny bit again at the promise. “Shit, I was all out of tears, but now this stupid thing made me super hydrated.” He said, cocking his head towards the IV bag hanging beside the bed. “You’re gonna make me all weepy again.”

            “Sorry.” Otabek smiled and Yuri had never felt so relieved to see that look on his face. “Are you sure you can skate tomorrow?”

            “Not well, but I can’t just not go. That would undermine everything we’re working for.”

            “Well, all of your health stuff today aside, you know I’m insanely proud of you for what you said in that interview, right?” Otabek dragged his thumb in a circle over the back of Yuri’s hand. “It really meant the world to me and I think so many people are going to be inspired by you just like they were by Victor, you know? You’re gonna be known as a great skater _and_ a great gay athlete. That means a lot to people.”

            “I guess. I mean, I don’t want you to think I’m ashamed of you at all anymore. You’ve been through way too much shit for me.”

            “Yeah.” Otabek laughed, moving a little closer and tucking himself under Yuri’s arm. “Come here.” He rested his head on Yuri’s chest and slid his hand up under his t-shirt, rubbing his stomach in slow lazy circles as he yawned and Yuri’s heart skipped a beat.

            Shit, had he ever been this cozy? Even with the dull pain in his wrist from the IV, he felt so comfortable. The hotel bed was soft and while snow fell outside the window, Otabek was warm. The comforter over them was thick and Otabek’s hand was soothing on his stomach, still upset as it adjusted to processing and holding down it’s first full meal in days. It just lulled all the residual anxiety away.

            “At least now we know this is the last of it, yeah?” Yuri teased. “This is peak drama for us.”

            “Mhm.” Otabek hummed, nuzzling his cheek against Yuri’s chest. “Your shirt is really fucking soft. How’s your hand?”

            “Hurts. Needles are awful. I’m never gonna sleep tonight.”

            “I’ll help you.” Otabek shrugged, looking up at him for permission as he drifted his hand down, ghosting his fingertips over the waistband of Yuri’s sweatpants.

            “Oh fuck, please.” Yuri breathed and sighed in pleasure the moment Otabek’s hand slid underneath the fabric. “Beka, I literally don’t know what I would do without you I swear to God, I’d-“

            They both froze in place when the door handle to the room turned, tensing until it cracked open and Otabek removed his hand just in time for Yakov to stand in the doorway. Of course the bastard had a key to their room.

            “Let’s talk, Yuratchka.” Yakov said, deadpan as he approached the bedside and turned the notch on the lamp up to give the room more light.

            “I’m gonna go jump in the shower.” Otabek said, sliding out from under the covers and pressing a quick kiss to Yuri’s forehead. “Holler if you need me to bring you anything, okay?”

            “Okay.” Yuri blushed, watching as Yakov sat on the foot of the bed. Shit, that was weird. He’d never seen Yakov act like such a dad before.

            “Listen.” Yakov said, facing off the side of the bed instead of making eye contact. “I’m your coach. Part of my job is to help you win, but more importantly, it’s to keep you healthy as an athlete. You are one of Russia’s greatest skaters and for your career to have longevity, you have to care for your body. I’m going to allow you to participate in the free skate tomorrow because I know you’re too strong willed to be stopped anyways.”

            “Thank you.” Yuri mumbled, staring down at his lap. He’d been harsh earlier, but he did feel bad too about all he put Yakov through. He may win a lot, but he wasn’t exactly an easy student. “I’m um… I’m sorry for earlier. I don’t think I should have sat out the short program, even injured, but I’m sorry for all this. I-I really am.”

            “That’s the first time you’ve ever said sorry for anything.” Yakov chuckled. “I’ve spoken to Lilia. She’s had plenty of students go through what you’re going through. When you get home, you’re going to a therapist she recommended every day for three weeks minimum.”

            “ _Every day?”_ Yuri’s jaw dropped. “Are you kidding?”

            “And physical therapy three times a week to help monitor your health and get your strength back. You’re lucky we have a month until your next Grand Prix.”

            “You’re fucking kidding.” He sighed, laying back and staring up at the ceiling.

            “Stay with your regular therapist too. Once a week you’ll have the daily appointment in the morning and the weekly appointment with the doctor you already have in the evening. Fill her in on everything that’s gone on. You got that?”

            “Yeah.” Yuri grimaced. “Anything else?”

            “No quads tomorrow. Don’t even think about it.”

            “Fine.”

            “And be nice to Otabek.”

            Yuri’s heart twinged. “I know…”

            “I usually never get involved with all the romantic drama you boys get into. Lord knows I had my fill with Victor.” Yakov rolled his eyes. “But be nice. Otabek’s a fantastic skater, but he’s too empathetic. Your pain is his pain. Keep that in mind when you go through this path to heal. You got that?”

            Yuri bit his lip and nodded. “Yeah.”

            “Get some rest. You’re staying in bed until the last possible minute tomorrow.” Yakov said and left the room without a goodbye, Yuri hearing the shower conveniently shut off the moment the door shut again and Otabek came out with a towel around his waist.

            “Yakov gone?” He asked and Yuri nodded. “Are you still anxious about the needle and stuff? Or tomorrow? Do you need anything?”

            “No.” Yuri shook his head and opened his arms. “Come here.”

            “Aw, Yura.” Otabek dropped the towel and just slid right into bed, moving into Yuri’s arms and burying his face in his chest as he hugged him.

            “I’m sorry for everything I put you through today. Let’s just go to sleep, yeah? I got you this time.”

            “Thank you.” Otabek breathed, shutting his eyes and hooking one leg over one of Yuri’s just to get closer to him. Yuri thought for a moment that it was pretty adorable how comfortable Otabek was just being naked around him. “Goodnight.”

            “Sweet dreams, Beka.” Yuri murmured, pressing a kiss goodnight to the top of his head. “Don’t worry about anything.”

**

            The nurse was back in the morning to remove the IV and monitor breakfast, but Yuri was stuck in bed until the late afternoon, given Yakov’s orders and the fact that the free skate final two groups weren’t until the evening. It was embarrassing to not be in the final group of a Grand Prix assignment, but he knew that he’d done it to himself. He just had to accept it, skate his best, and focus on getting healthy for the next competition. The final thing Yakov was making him do was track all of his calories to make sure he was getting enough.

            Since Otabek insisted on staying in the hotel room with him until it was time to go, Yuri did do his best to make things up to him as much as he could. Part of that was definitely an apology blowjob that made Otabek moan so loud, Georgi had to pound on the wall from the room next to them.

            “Do you think I could put your semen down in the food journal? I mean, that’s protein.”

            “Oh my God, gross, Yura. Gross.” Otabek said as he packed his duffel bag. “How’s your stomach feel?”

            “It really hurts, honestly.” Yuri sighed from the bed. He was already packed to go, but he actually wasn’t eager to leave. He hated having to skate a watered down program. “I really don’t want to do more press either. I think I’m just gonna brush them off for now.”

            “Yeah, don’t do any interviews. What you said yesterday was good, you should just leave that as your statement for the competition, yeah?”

            “Mhm.” Yuri moved to get out of bed and find his shoes, but stopped when his phone buzzed in his pocket, taking it out to find Victor calling. Shit, he was probably worried and Yuri really didn’t want to have a long conversation about fainting on international TV. “Hey.” He answered.

            “How are you feeling?” Victor asked. “We saw what happened.”

            “Yeah Victor, I don’t really want to go into why I-“

            “You stopped eating again?”

            “Not exactly, but…” Yuri bit the inside of his cheek. “Yeah.”

            “What’s the plan?”

            “Um…” Yuri sighed. Victor acting like a dad usually pissed him off, but he felt defeated already. Maybe he needed people to act like his parents. He’d never truly had any. “A lot of therapy. Like every day. Physical therapy too.”

            “That’s good.” Victor breathed on the other end of the line. “It’ll help. I went through it when I was a teenager.”

            “You did?”

            “A lot of us have. Listen to your doctors, you’ll get better.”

            “Is this why you called?”

            “Actually I have good news and it seems to be my job to tell you when you go viral, sooo-“

            Yuri groaned. “Why am I viral this time?”

            “That interview clip jumped to like a million views. People are spreading it like wild fire, calling you brave. They called you the next me.” Victor laughed. “Isn’t that great?”

            “Really?”

            Otabek came over and pressed a kiss to Yuri’s forehead. “We gotta get going, Babe.”

            “O-Okay.” Yuri nodded before turning back to the phone. “Victor, I gotta go to the free skate. Thanks for telling me and stuff.”

            “Good luck, Yura.”

            Yuri hung up the phone and got out of bed, pressing himself right into Otabek’s arms for a hug. “How are you feeling?”

            “How am _I_ feeling?” Otabek laughed. “I’m fine.”

            “I mean, like, are you mad?”

            Otabek squeezed him and pressed his lips to the top of Yuri’s head. “I’m gonna be a little hurt for a while, but you know how I feel about these things. There’s no point in holding on to stuff when you’re making it right. As long as you commit to your recovery, I’m fine.”

            “God, you’re too good to me sometimes.” Yuri sighed, kissing Otabek’s chin and squeezing him. “Hey, you know you’re probably gonna win this right? You’re already sitting in first above JJ.”

            “Shh, don’t jinx it.” Otabek gave his hips one more squeeze. “Come on, we have just enough time for me to do your hair.”

            Yuri’s heart jumped and he let Otabek sit him down on the bed again, handing him the hair tie around his wrist and blushing as Otabek sat behind him on the mattress and started to put in the braid. Shit, he’d been so afraid that Otabek would ditch him after this. He thought he’d see him as gross, a liar, or just kind of a disaster, but here Otabek was taking care of him again even though Yuri had lied to him.

            “How’s the stomach?” Otabek asked as he worked the tangles out with his fingers.

            “It hurts. I haven’t kept this much food down in a while.”

            “I’m sorry.” Otabek put the hair tie in to secure it and kissed the side of his neck. “Let’s get going. Give Yakov your food journal for the morning to make sure he lets you on the ice.”

            Yuri nodded and got off the bed, toeing on his shoes and taking a deep breath. He just had to do his best.

**

            Skating in the second to last group felt weird. He’d never been outside the top six since he debuted as a senior. His body was sore from over exerting yesterday and his stomach ached. He was anxious, knowing that everyone was watching him as, what? Some kind of icon now?

            He finished in fourth. It was the biggest jump he’d ever made in rankings, but he felt weaker than ever. He landed every jump given that they were triples only, but he knew the judges went easy on him. He had a hometown advantage, the crowd had been behind him. That kind of thing inflated GOE. The Russian Skating Federation detested gay skaters. He knew that from Victor, but they still knew who their top skaters were. They’d rather have a now known faggot win than lose at all. Although, Georgi did rank third. Yuri’s stomach turned, thinking he might fall out of favor as the number one pick for Russia because of his sexuality.

            Still, he stood ice side for the whole final group, cheering for Otabek until his throat was sore (or until he started to feel light headed again). He chewed all his nails off waiting for the skaters after Otabek to finish and when it was official, when JJ’s score was announced and Otabek was still ahead, Yuri hugged him so tight he thought he might actually pass out again.

            He was glad the cameras were off of him during the medal ceremony because he welled up pretty bad watching Otabek get that gold medal. Just the look on his face when he heard the Kazakh anthem. He looked _so_ proud and accomplished and just so fucking happy and God, Otabek deserved that so much. He deserved good things with all of the stupid fucking shit Yuri was putting him through over and over again.

            Yuri was just watching him stand on top of that podium, when Yakov came up and put a hand on his shoulder.

            “Hm? What is it?” Yuri asked.

            “You’ve been ordered for drug testing.” Yakov huffed. “I think it’s ridiculous too, but you know the drill.”

            “Huh?” Yuri frowned. “Why? It’s only the second competition and we were just tested right before the season.”

            “They do this a lot to Victor too if you catch my drift.”

            “Oh.” Yuri’s heart sank. They were suspicious of a gay athlete making such a comeback performance, from eleventh to five points shy of the podium barely twenty-four hours after fainting. Anyone who knew him, knew that he was more than capable of pulling that off. The drug test was just to degrade him.

            Right on queue, a suited official stepped out of the curtains and cocked his head at Yuri.

            “Go with him, Yura.”

            “Right now?” Yuri looked back at the podium. “The anthem’s not even done. Can’t it wait until Beka-“

            “Don’t push it with these people.” Yakov instructed. “Go.”

            Yuri looked out at Otabek one more time and his chest tightened. “Tell him they made me leave please. I don’t want him to think I missed his ceremony.”

            “Alright.”

            Yuri left his bag and followed the man in the suit through the curtains, his heart pounding. There was nothing more degrading than on-site drug testing. They _watched_ you piss into the fucking cup and they always drew so much blood. He’d been through it before though. He’d get through it again, so he kept his mouth shut and followed the official down the winding beige hallways of beneath the stadium.

            There were other officials around and they always seemed to know each other. Another man in a suit with a Bluetooth in his ear went right up to the one that was leading Yuri and started to walk with them, glancing back and throwing a side eye at Yuri.

            “Are they seriously making you watch the piss test of the faggot one?” He muttered and Yuri’s blood ran cold.

            “Yeah, it’s always me.” Yuri’s official huffed. “You ask for one day off and they just punish you all they fucking can.”

            Yuri felt nauseous and it had nothing to do with the food he’d had to stuff into his body that day. He wasn’t just a freak to these people, he was disgusting. He wanted Otabek. He wanted _anyone_. He didn’t want to go in to a bathroom alone with someone who loathed him without even knowing him.

            He listened with his hands trembling a bit as the two made small talk until the other official left and they arrived at the restroom. “Let’s get this over with.” He grumbled, holding the door open until Yuri walked inside.

            “I-Is this where we’re supposed to do this?” Yuri asked, eyeing the rusty urinals. “Isn’t it supposed to be sterile or something or-“

            “It doesn’t matter.” He rolled his eyes and took a plastic cup with a green lid out of his jacket pocket. “Use this. Don’t even fucking think about coming on to me just because we’re alone. I can have someone else here in seconds.” He scowled, gesturing up to the earpiece he had clipped on and Yuri’s face paled.

            “What? A-Aren’t you like forty?”

            “Just fucking piss in the cup.” He sighed, pushing Yuri by the shoulder back towards the urinal.

            He stumbled back, but nodded in a hurry, his hands shaking as he took the cup and stood in front of one of the urinals. Wait. “U-Umm, my costume’s a one piece, could I just go to the locker room and change before-“

            “Is that your creepy tactic to get naked in here? Jesus Christ.” The official groaned. “Why do I always get stuck with the freaky ones?”

            “I-I’m asking _not_ to get naked.” Yuri croaked, his eyes filling with tears.

            “Just do the urine sample before I write you up and have your competition standing revoked, alright?”

            Yuri’s blood ran cold. All of this shit could be for nothing just because this one asshole wanted to harass him. His hands shook, but he unzipped his jacket and took it off, blinking back tears as he peeled his arms out of the body suit sleeves, sliding the jacket back on as soon as the upper half of his body was free to cover himself again before he shut his eyes and pushed the waist down.

            He’d always had a shy bladder which meant it took almost five minutes of shaking, blinking back tears, and being goaded and insulted by the official behind him before he was able to produce the sample at all and he was able to fumble back into his costume and be lead out. Had that ever happened to Victor or Yuuri? Would it be like this for every drug test for the rest of his career?

            “Do you know where to report to for blood sampli-“

            “Yes.” Yuri interrupted and hurried away from him, hugging himself as he walked through the hallway on his own, face burning red. He’d run and go straight for Otabek, even go find fucking Yakov if he could, but if he got any kind of violation then everything was for nothing.

            There was a designated room for blood testing at competitions and Yuri had been to the one at the Rostelecom arena in Moscow before. He hurried there and walked into the room where a single nurse in scrubs was waiting.

            “Plisetsky?” She asked, her tone deadpan as she prepped a syringe on the counter.

            “Y-Yeah.”

            “Have a seat. Sleeves up, jacket off, right arm out.”

            “Okay.” Yuri swallowed, his heart still pounding as he sat in the plastic chair and got his arm exposed. “U-Um, I-I’m really bad with needles, so could you m-maybe count to three or something?”

            “Squeeze this.” She handed him a red rubber ball and he did what he was told.

            “O-Okay, but can you just-“

            She picked up the needle and walked up to press her fingers along Yuri’s arm.

            “A-Are you going to count or-“

            She pressed the needle into the soft flesh at the crook of Yuri’s arm, pricking the crevice just above his forearm and Yuri gasped, shuddering and gritting his teeth as his blood was taken. He’d never been fucking treated like this before. Officials had always been professionals. Nurses had always been _nice_. Did everyone but the fans just hate him now?

            The nurse pulled the needle out and taped a cotton ball over the entry point, Yuri rushing to roll his sleeve back down and get his jacket back on as soon as she pulled away from him.

            “Can I go now?” He choked, the lump aching in his throat. She gave a nod and he got up, ignoring the dizziness as he stumbled back into the hallway, heading around back towards the locker rooms as he fumbled to get his phone out of his pocket to call Otabek.

            “Yuri?” He answered. “Hey I heard they took you for testing, how are you?”

            “Otabek come find me.” Yuri sobbed, finding an empty part of the hall and leaning against the wall, so he could sink to the floor. “I-I’m on the other side of the arena, b-by the blood testing please come get me. I-I can’t breathe.”

            “Baby what happened?”

            Yuri just shook his head and hugged himself. “I’m sorry they made me leave before your anthem finished.” He hiccupped. “I-I’m so sorry-“

            “Yura, you have nothing to be sorry about. You were cheering me on all day today. I’m coming to find you, okay? Take some deep breaths. Yakov and Georgi are already ready to go, but Yakov wants to see you before we go back to the hotel. What happened?”

            Yuri tried to find the words, but another sob tumbled out of his mouth. What was he supposed to say? That the drug testing official had made him take his clothes off? That the nurse had treated him like an animal? “Just get to me, Beka.” He heard foot steps coming towards him and wiped his eyes, his lips quivering when Otabek rounded the corner and they both hung up the phone call.

            “What happened?” Otabek asked, his eyes wide as he knelt down next to him. He was already changed, duffel bag slung over his shoulder and the medal around his neck. “Baby, did they not have you change before testing?”

            “No.” Yuri sniffled, tears rolling down his cheeks. “H-He just made me take it off and it was so fucking embarrassing. H-He kept talking to me like I was some kind of predator that was g-gonna come on to him, but he wouldn’t let me go change clothes and he was talking to this other fucking guy that kept referring to me as a faggot a-and I thought he was going to beat the shit out of me or something when we went into the bathroom.”

            “Baby, holy shit. That’s not normal.” Otabek shook his head. “That’s not the kind of daily discrimination that people like us just have to put up with. That’s not acceptable at all. We’ll report it.”

            “C-Can we just go back to the hotel and deal with that stuff later? I-I feel like shit and I just want to go home. I still have to eat dinner and I-I don’t know how I’m gonna keep it down even if I want to.” Yuri cried onto his knees. “When is this shit going to fucking end? Why is it always something?”

            “Shh, Baby it’s fine. It’s over now, just get up and let’s get your stuff. We’ll tell Yakov what happened and he’ll know how to take care of things.” Otabek took Yuri’s hands and stood up before pulling Yuri with him. “Deep breaths. This whole ordeal is over, we’re just gonna go focus on getting you better.”

            Was this the fucking cost of being out? Was every single competition just going to be miserable for the rest of his career?

            Otabek took him back to the locker room and helped him get changed, gathering his things for him before they met Yakov and Georgi and Yuri had to recount the whole ordeal to his coach. He managed not to cry again which was a fucking relief. He was so sick of crying.

            Dinner didn’t stay down. He ate it. Every single bite, but he was so petrified of all the treatment that he was about to go through, rattled from the harassment, and just honest to God _tired_ that he puked. For the first time though he was thankful for the outpatient nurse Yakov had hired to watch him because she could vouch that he hadn’t done it on purpose.

            “Oh no, no, no please not again.” Yuri said when she set the IV drip up by their bed again.

            “I know, but it’s one more night okay? You have to travel tomorrow and your levels are still horrendous.” She said as she prepped it and he sat on the bed in sweatpants a t-shirt he was already sweating through.

            “Baby, you can go right to sleep after this okay?” Otabek said, one hand on his back. “Get it over with and in the morning, we go home. You’ll be done with all of this for good as soon as you’re healthy, so not to suggest you should be punished, or anything, but you know. Remember this.” He grimaced.

            Yuri rolled his eyes and held his arm out, wincing hard when the needle was put in again and taped over. At least he liked this nurse. She was fast and she didn’t treat him like a freak, or anything, but still an IV hurt like a motherfucker and he’d had enough needles for the day. As soon as it was in, he collapsed against the pillows. “Am I done?” He mumbled.

            “I’m going to add a little something for anxiety, so you can get some actual rest.”

            “Shit, you can do that?”

            “Mhm.” She nodded, dipping a syringe into a tiny glass jar and injecting it back into the plastic bag. “How’s that?”

            “Does it work that fast?” Yuri frowned until he felt it hit and shivered. “ _Ohhh_ that’s nice. That’s really nice. I’m sorry for all the complaining, I love you.”

            “Wow.” Otabek laughed. “That was quick.”

            “I’ll be here to remove the IV early in the morning. Make sure he’s up.” The nurse told him and Otabek nodded.

            Yuri watched with his eyes half-lidded as she left the hotel room and sighed. When was the last time he felt this relaxed? Whatever she’d put in him was awesome.

            “Feeling better?” Otabek asked, already in pajamas too as he got under the covers.

            “Feeling _good_.”

            “Aw.” Otabek pressed a kiss to Yuri’s cheek and got the covers over him, settling close enough to touch, but giving Yuri enough space if he needed it. “Hey look. The hardship’s are ending now. Like, for real this time. I’m here to help you through everything.”

            “You’re always helping me.” Yuri yawned. “When am I gonna get to help you?”

            “You help me all the time.” Otabek smiled, reaching forward to tuck his hair back behind his ear. “When I’m nervous and you calm me down, when I have a bad day and you cheer you me up. When you cook just to surprise me with something and how you do all the things I like in bed just because you want to make me feel good. Long as you love me. That’s all I need, okay?”

            Yuri laughed a little and moved closer. His body felt a little fuzzy and the anxiety of the day was gone. Otabek was right. It was over. They were going home and he was finally going to get healthy. Healthy for _real_. Healthy for good.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I LITERALLY SWEAR THIS IS THE LAST OF ANGSTY INCIDENTS HAPPENING TO YURI I'M S ORRY


	18. Chapter Eighteen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The real road to recovery begins!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this is late aaa!! As some of y'all may know, i'm leading the project @domesticotayurizine on tumblr and it's been taking up a lot of my time, but I'm gonna be wrapping this fic up soon!

Therapy was hard. Harder now that he had to be honest and talk about _everything_. His parents, or lack thereof, his Grandpa, his eating, his anxiety, his sexuality, his relationship. Everything. Even sex, which was really hard to get comfortable talking about considering the every-day therapist was such a nice lady in her sixties, but Yuri adored her. She had a dirty sense of humor and she made him laugh when he started to get too sad, or distracted.

Otabek even came to a few of the more difficult appointments and Yuri caught up his weekly therapist too. She was especially helpful with the relationship stuff since she knew them so well.

            Food journaling was annoying, but it kept Yakov off his back and kept Otabek’s mind at ease.

            Medication helped. It really, really helped. He slept at night, he had energy during the day. He had plenty to worry about, but he could manage it much better.

            After two weeks, he felt back on his feet and he hadn’t purged once since they got back despite some close calls. There were good days and bad ones, but Otabek was his rock like always and Yuri gave back to him as much as he could.

Some of the Altin family drama had really peaked when Yuri went viral. He’d been on the ESPN top ten sportsmanship moments in America and that made the Youtube clip of the interview and the footage of him fainting and getting back on the ice go wild. That was the final straw for a lot of Otabek’s relatives, but at least that put an end to some of the drama. The dust started to settle even if he had lost some extended family.

“How much?” Otabek asked as he stood behind Yuri, watching the dial on the bathroom scale.

“I’m up five pounds.”

“Yeah?” Otabek grinned, stepping up to look over Yuri’s shoulder. “Aw Baby. You’re doing so great with the program.”

Yuri grimaced a little at the weight gain, but he knew it was healthy. A little was muscle anyways since he’d been gradually getting his training regimen back to normal.

            “Come here.” Otabek hugged his waist from behind and pressed his lips down Yuri’s neck. “You cooking dinner with me again tonight?”

            “Yeah.” Yuri smiled. They were trying some things to start building more “positive associations with food” as his every-day doctor had put it. He cooked dinner with Otabek almost every night and sometimes dessert if he was having an especially good day. “But I’m not really hungry yet. Practice was easy today.”

            “Hm, you want to kill a little time?” Otabek cooed, nibbling a little on Yuri’s ear.

            “Are you really that horny?” Yuri laughed. “I’m in sweatpants.”

            “Yeah, but your shirt rode up a little when you stretched earlier and uh…” Otabek slid one hand up Yuri’s t-shirt and rubbed his stomach a little. “Your abs have gotten kind of defined again.”

            “Wow.” The sex had been pretty spectacular lately. Yuri had more energy and Otabek was being extra affectionate to help him through all the relentless therapy, so they ended up in bed a lot, or on the living room floor, the kitchen table. “Do you have anything in mind?”

            “I wanna pamper you.”

            “That’s all you do.”

            “Wanna do it more.” Otabek mumbled against his neck, parting his lips to suck lightly on the skin as he pressed his hand against Yuri’s abs. “You’ve been working so hard to get better. You deserve extra love.”

            Yuri rolled his eyes, but he was still smiling. Otabek was such a sap. “What do you really want to do?”

            “I’ll show you. Can you wear the thing we bought?”

            “Yeah.” Yuri craned his head back and planted a kiss on Otabek’s cheek. They were working on his masculinity issues too, trying to help him embrace the stuff he liked, but still felt insecure about.

            They left the bathroom for the bedroom and Yuri changed into it, slipping the red lace up his legs and tying the ribbons around his hips that kept it up like bikini bottoms. He actually liked it. It was technically panties, but it was made for men, so it fit him well and he liked it even more because Otabek had bought it for him.

            “You’re really eager today.” Yuri said, blushing as he looked at Otabek. He was already naked, his face flushed and grinning.

            “I have an idea.” Otabek laughed as he walked up and put his hands on Yuri’s hips.

            “Is that why the bedroom is super clean?”

            “A little bit. Come here.” He turned him towards the bed and let Yuri lie down, crawling over him and nuzzling their noses together until Yuri leaned up for a kiss, but Otabek pulled away. “Don’t tease me.” Yuri pouted, glancing down at where Otabek was half hard. He loved when Otabek was over him like this and he could just _see_ how aroused he was getting. It felt good to know that just his body in a little bit of lace would make Otabek perk up.

            “In a minute. I have to get some stuff.”

            “Like what?” Yuri raised his eyebrows. “Are you gonna let me in on another kink you haven’t told me about?”

            “Eh. More of a fantasy than a kink.” Otabek bent down and swirled his tongue around Yuri’s nipple just to torture him a bit before he pulled away. “Put some towels down.”

            “ _Oh?_ ”

            “Yup.” Otabek laughed, climbing off of the bed and leaving the bedroom.

            Yuri rolled his eyes and hopped off too, walking back to the bathroom and grabbing a few spare towels to toss on the bed. He got the soft ones, so they wouldn’t take too much away from the sexiness of the whole thing and crawled back onto the bed, legs parted, his hair over his shoulders.

            Otabek entered the room again and shut the door, grinning when Yuri’s jaw dropped. “Yeah?”

            “Yeah.” Yuri breathed, eyeing the can of whipped cream, the baggie of stemless maraschino cherries, and a small tube with a pump that looked like hand soap. “What’s the other thing?”

            “Uhhh, lube that tastes like strawberry short cake?”

            “Holy shit.”

            Otabek set it all on the nightstand and crawled back over Yuri, finally indulging him in the deep kiss he’d been craving.

            “Mm.” Yuri mumbled against his lips, hooking one leg over Otabek’s hip and pushing his tongue in to his mouth.

            “You have no idea how fucking hot you look in these.” Otabek breathed, pressing their foreheads together as he slid his hand down Yuri’s side to his hip, so he could untie the ribbon on that side.

            “Really?” He blushed, looking down as Otabek untied the other side. “Not like a girl?”

            “It’s feminine, but that’s not bad, yeah? I mean, when I see you in this, I literally lose my shit.” Otabek laughed and sat back on his heels as he pulled the fabric away, biting his lip as he eyed Yuri’s cock. “Here, lie back.”

            Yuri leaned back against the pillows and watched as Otabek took the whipped cream. “So uh… Where are you putting that?”

            “Let me decorate you.” Otabek grinned, shaking the can and trailing one hand down Yuri’s thigh. “Tell me if it’s too cold.” He reached up and put a dab on each of Yuri’s nipples.

            “This is so weird.” Yuri snickered, shivering a little from the cold whipped cream. “But do what you want to do. I’m curious now.”

            “Put your trust in me.” Otabek said as he made a line of whipped cream dots down Yuri’s chest to his navel, reaching for the cherries next and putting one on each spot of cream.

            Yuri’s face warmed as he started to piece together Otabek’s plan. He was going to eat his way down and Yuri loved when Otabek used his tongue on his torso. It always gave him tingles and warmed him up well. His cock was already twitching and he wished Otabek would touch him while he did all this, but he’d feel better being teased before hand.

            “You’re so fucking beautiful.” Otabek said, finally putting a cherry on Yuri’s naval and drawing a line of whipped cream up his cock.

            “Do I look like a cupcake?”

            “A sexy cupcake.”

            Yuri rolled his eyes. “You’re being a huge tease today.”

            “Mm, but you’re gonna feel really good soon.” Otabek set the whipped cream down and laid on his side next to Yuri, careful not to mess up his work as he leaned in to suck on his neck.

            “Fuck, give me hickeys this time.” Yuri sighed. “They’ll heal before next competition.”

            Otabek complied and nibbled at the skin on his neck, finding a spot that made Yuri gasp and sucking to leave a mark.

            “Nnn.” Yuri whined, his toes curling a little. He was cold, but Otabek’s mouth was hot and each mark he left warmed him up a little more.

            Otabek let one hand fall between Yuri’s thighs, stroking the inside to make him squirm as he lowered himself to Yuri’s chest.

            “Oh fuck.” Yuri breathed when Otabek licked off the cream, sucking his nipple into his mouth and nibbling when he took the cherry. “Beka, that’s good.”

            “Yeah?”

            “Do the other one.”

            Otabek repeated the motion, lapping up the cream and swallowing the cherry before leaning up to give Yuri another kiss. He tasted like cherries now and Yuri curled his tongue around Otabek’s to relish in the taste.

            Otabek moved faster when they parted, kissing and licking his way down. Yuri’s thighs trembled in anticipation by the time Otabek made it to his naval and he spread his legs wider, gasping when Otabek started to lick the cream off of his erection. Not sucking yet, just dragging his tongue over the sensitive organ until Yuri started to squirm and Otabek positioned himself between his legs.

            “No more, I’m dying.” Yuri panted.

            “Oh? What are you waiting for?”

            “Bekaaaa.”

            “For real.” Otabek smiled, drawing a little circle on his hip with the tip of his finger. “What do you want me to do to you?”

            “Um…” Yuri’s face flashed red and he looked back at the nightstand. “Can you um… C-Can you use that lube and uh… C-Could you put your mouth um… You know?”

            “I don’t know.” Otabek shrugged. “You have to tell me.”

            “Beka.”

            “What? I don’t know what you want.”

            “You’re so mean.” Yuri sighed, taking the lube and handing it down to him. “Can you use your mouth on me down there? I’m not gonna say it.”

            “Okay.” Otabek laughed, taking the lube and pumping some into his hand. “Let me suck you off for a second first. Your cock looks way too fucking pretty today.”

            Yuri fucking loved Otabek’s mouth. He could take anything without gagging and he’d put his tongue _anywhere_. He took Yuri’s cock in his mouth and sucked until he was whimpering then moved his mouth down to lick over his perineum, massaging the sensitive spot with his tongue.

            “Oh my God, Beka.” Yuri whimpered, his hand clutching his boyfriend’s hair, tugging.

            Otabek dipped his mouth down to Yuri’s taught entrance and Yuri’s back arched off the mattress. He was so fucking sensitive there and with the flavored lube, Otabek was going down on him like he was a fucking lollipop.

            “Beka, Beka stop, I-I’m gonna cum right now and I want you to fuck me.” Yuri gasped.

            “Can you handle my fingers or is that gonna make you cum too soon?”

            “Here, just sit up for a second.”

            Otabek sat back on his heels and Yuri’s heart thumped seeing his hair so disheveled and his neglected cock standing upright. It always looked so red and smooth when he was desperately hard and it made Yuri want to put it in his mouth every time.

            Yuri grabbed the whipped cream from the nightstand and smothered Otabek’s dick in the foam, tossing it aside on the bed and turning over on his hands and knees to face him. “Pull my hair.” He took Otabek in his mouth and licked off every bit of the cream, keeping his back arched and his ass up as he sucked until Otabek started to moan under his breath.

            Things moved quickly from there. Otabek started to get close, so Yuri pulled off and laid back, letting Otabek prep him until he was beyond ready.

            Yuri couldn’t shut his mouth once Otabek was inside of him, trembling from pleasure and rocking back and forth to get him to go harder and deeper until they found the perfect rhythm together.

            The actual sex didn’t last long, both of them too keyed up and desperate, but when Yuri came, he still saw fucking stars and fell back on the pillows, sweaty and spent.

            “I am really fucking sticky right now.” Yuri breathed. “But that felt so fucking good.”

            “Yeah? No guilt?”

            “No guilt.”

            “Well I guess we found one way to get you to eat dessert.” Otabek said as he tucked himself under Yuri’s arm and snuggled in close. “I love you. I wanted to make you feel good with all the hard work you’re doing to be healthy.”

            “You’re always so cute.” Yuri sighed, stroking his hand down Otabek’s back. His stomach actually hurt a bit from all the sugar, but he wasn’t going to say anything. He was happy that Otabek was putting so much effort into making all the recovery stuff less painful and the sex had been _really_ good.

            “Want to get in the shower with me?” Otabek yawned. “We smell like pie.”

            “Yeah, let’s go.”

**

            Yuri’s stomach pain subsided when they got into the shower and he was able to get dinner down without much trouble. He actually felt pretty great. He went to bed feeling full without feeling anxious and curled up in Otabek’s arms.

            It was in the middle of the night that his stomach woke him up, cramping and churning. Shit, he was a thousand degrees too.

            Yuri pulled away from Otabek, careful not to wake him up, and winced, pushing the covers off of him and sitting up to hold his stomach. Fuck, it hurt. He must be having a bad reaction to something from dinner, or maybe from the whipped cream earlier.

            He climbed out of bed and felt his way to the bathroom, flicking the light on, stepping inside, and shutting the door as quick as he could to keep from waking Otabek. Yuri shuddered as the nausea swelled and knelt in front of the toilet just in time for his stomach to lurch and he puked into the bowl.

            Shit, this was different than throwing up on purpose. His stomach heaved over and over until he’d choked it all up, aching and rumbling until he finished and leaned his head against the lid.

            “Baby?”

            Fuck. Yuri’s blood ran cold. He was just sick and it had nothing to do with his eating issues, but to Otabek it would look like-

            Otabek opened the bathroom door and looked at him with his eyes wide and watery. “You’re throwing up again?”

            “Beka, no.” Yuri coughed, flushing the toilet and standing up. “Shit, I just woke up feeling sick and-“

            “Yuri.” Otabek frowned.

            “What?”

            “You’ve told me that before.”

            “Um.” Yuri raised his eyebrows. “No I didn’t. You assumed that before.”

            Otabek just sighed and leaned against the door frame.

            Yuri’s stomach gave a final twinge and he grimaced, turning back around to spit up the very last of it and coughing. Fuck that had been nothing but bile and acid. It burned his throat.

            “You just woke up like this?”

            “I think it was dinner, o-or maybe the food sex.” Yuri sniffled, shivering a little now that the vomiting was over. He was actually sick this time and he needed some comfort. He wanted Otabek to stroke his hair and bring him back to bed, not accuse him of lying. “Beka, I’ve been putting my all into all of this therapy. I don’t want to throw up on purpose anymore. I don’t think I even need to now that the medication has my anxiety under a little bit more control. D-Don’t be mean to me right now, I-I think I have food poisoning.”

            “Shit.” Otabek grimaced, taking a glass from the bathroom counter and filling it with water before handing it down to Yuri. “You promise?”

            Yuri gulped down half the glass and nodded, but he wished he didn’t have to promise anything. He wished he hadn’t fucked up so bad and Otabek would go back to always believing him. “I really feel sick.”

            Otabek put a hand on his forehead and the suspicion fell from his face. “Yura, you’re burning up. Fuck, I’m sorry let’s get you in bed.” He helped him up and Yuri’s mouth quivered a little bit. “You okay?”

            “I wish I wasn’t such a fuck up.” Yuri croaked, his voice hoarse from puking. “Like now you can’t even trust me and every time I get sick for the rest of our fucking lives, you’re gonna wonder if I’m lying to you.”

            “Rest of our lives?” Otabek smiled, giving Yuri’s hip a squeeze. “I’m sorry for being so suspicious. Come get in bed.”

            Yuri’s face flushed and he let Otabek take him back to bed, wincing went Otabek went to put the covers back on him. “Hot.”

            “I know Babe, but it’s actually kind of freezing in here. You’ll get sicker.” Otabek put the covers on him and kissed his forehead. “I’ll bring you something to bring your temperature down.”

            “I don’t want you to stay up to take care of me or anything.”

            “Yes you do.” Otabek bent back down and gave him another kiss on his cheek. “Be right back.”

            Yuri was thankful he could blame the fever for his blushing.

            Otabek returned with some medicine and a cloth for his head, letting Yuri take the pills before he put the washcloth on his head. “You still have to get up and go to therapy in the morning, but maybe Yakov will let you miss practice.”

            “Will you go with me?”

            “If you want me to.” Otabek nodded, walking around the bed to climb back in to his side. “Do you want to cuddle, or are you too hot?”

            Yuri sighed and shook his head. He wanted to be held. “I want to be close to you.”

            Otabek rolled towards him and tucked himself under Yuri’s arm, putting his head over his heart. “Whatever you want.”

            “You’re way too good of a boyfriend for me.” Yuri smiled. “Seriously.”

            “Don’t say that. I love taking care of you.”

            “Yeah, but still. I just wake you up all the time and make you worry and hurt your feelings.” Yuri grimaced a bit. “I mean, you have practice tomorrow. I shouldn’t be keeping you up, but I just get needy when I don’t feel good and-“

            “Yura.” Otabek whispered, looking up at him. “I will _never_ be too good for you. I’ve been in love with you since we met.”

            “I know, but-“

            “Yura, I don’t keep score. You’re my partner. I know that if I had the problems you have, that you would be right by my side too and whenever I’m sad, or not feeling good, or whatever, you always are.” Otabek pressed his lips to the side of Yuri’s neck and shut his eyes. “I love you.”

            “I love you too.” Yuri swallowed. How could Otabek be so calm and understanding about absolutely everything? Jesus, it was like Otabek was made for him. Someone who would stick by him through all his mistakes and let him learn, forgive him. “I-I don’t feel too bad anymore, so don’t stay up okay? Go back to sleep.”

            “Okay.” Otabek smiled, kissing his chin before settling back into his chest. “Tell me if I’m making you too hot.”

            “Never.” Yuri shook his head. “I can stay here all night.”

**

            Yuri woke up with his normal temperature and the nausea subsided, so he didn’t call anything off. Otabek went with him to therapy, so they talked a little about some of the stuff from last night. Trust and making sure that they didn’t see taking care of one another as doing each other any favors. Physical therapy was next, which was really just like off ice training. The main focus was to get his muscle mass and stamina back to his usual standard, so it was a lot of treadmill running and weights. Otabek always insisted on picking him up from that and Yuri had finally caught on that it was because he liked how Yuri looked after working out.

            “Does it really make you that horny just to see me sweaty like this?” Yuri laughed when they started the walk together from the gym to the rink.

            “Stop, I feel gross now.” Otabek blushed. “You’ve just been getting really toned lately and we walk to the rink, so y’know… Coats on and stuff.”

            “Oh?”

            “But when I pick you up, you’re in those workout clothes and you’re all energetic and I think it’s cute.”

            “Cute?”

            “I think it’s hot, leave me alone.”

            They changed clothes at the rink and got into practice mode, Yuri getting back into the swing of drilling quads and his leg strength had returned considerably in a short amount of time. His stamina was coming back too. He was holding his spins again without feeling too dizzy coming out of them. Otabek spent some time messing around with him on the ice just to keep things fun and because Yuri was exceptionally easy to lift.

            When Victor and Yuuri arrived for practice, Yuri actually put his pride aside and talked to them for a bit. He’d started embracing Victor’s advice a little more now that so many people we’re looking up to him as some kind of activist, or whatever. It helped that he had experience with an eating disorder too, although Victor’s issues had been more related to his appearance than Yuri’s were.

            “How’s the therapy going?” Victor asked as they took a water break, Yuri watching as Otabek drilled his jumps out on the ice with Yuuri.

            “It’s kind of annoying, but she’s funny you know? It makes the appointments kind of bearable.”

            “But it’s helping?”

            “Yeah.” Yuri sighed. “Honestly, I think this whole time I just needed the medication. I used to think that stuff was for, like, I don’t know, really depressed people? Like people way worse off than me, but it’s making a huge difference. I don’t feel so anxious anymore.”

            “That’s good.” Victor nodded. “It can be a really vicious cycle. You skip one meal because you’re feeling nervous, then you’re too anxious to eat the next one and so on.”

            “Yeah.” Yuri grimaced. “Honestly, I was just worried that it was going to hurt Otabek. It did, but you know how he his. He moves on and just turns into a super boyfriend or whatever.”

            “You really are lucky to have him. I mean I was way younger than you when I went through my eating issues, but my boyfriend at the time totally dumped me when I went into treatment.” Victor laughed. “But he was an asshole. You should really lock down Otabek.”

            “What do you mean?”

            Victor shrugged and held up the hand with his wedding ring.

            “Victor.” Yuri rolled his eyes. “I’m eighteen.”

            “I’m just saying.”

            “I’m getting back on the ice.” Yuri took a final sip from his water bottle and stepped back onto the ice just as Otabek landed another jump and he slid right over to him.

            “Hey you.” Otabek grinned, taking his hand and spinning him around a few times. “How’s practice going?”

            “Really good. I feel better.”

            “Good, come here.” Otabek smiled as he wrapped his arms around Yuri’s waist and turned with him.

            “Beka.” He laughed.

            “Yakov’s not here right now. Let me be gross with you.” Otabek hugged him from behind and kissed down his neck. “Sorry for all the hickeys.”

            “I don’t mind.” Yuri sighed, relishing in the touch. He didn’t even care that Victor and Yuuri could see them being so affectionate. He didn’t mind at all anymore.

            “God, you’re already getting so fucking strong again.” Otabek breathed into his ear and Yuri finally snickered and pulled away.

            “You’re gonna give me a boner on the ice and that’s too far.”

            “Sorry.” Otabek pouted, skating back to him and planting a kiss on the tip of his nose. “You’re looking so fucking healthy again. It makes me really, really happy, Yura. Seriously.”

            “I do feel a lot better.” Yuri nodded. “Sore from all the work outs, but good sore.”

            “You’re done with the daily therapy and the physical therapy on Friday right?”

            “Yeah, why?”

            “Can I take you out to dinner?” Otabek asked, his hands on Yuri’s hips. “On Friday. Somewhere really nice.”

            “You want to do that?” Yuri blushed. “Fans might see us, I-I’m getting recognized more and more now.”

            “I don’t mind. Do you?”

            “I guess not. After everything that happened.” Yuri shrugged. “Might as well enjoy dating in public I guess.”

            “So, yes?”

            “Yeah.” Yuri leaned in to give him one more kiss and lingered for a moment before pulling away. “Let’s work on your steps, yeah?”

            “Whatever you say, Coach.”

            “Shut up.” Yuri rolled his eyes. “You can help me afterwards.”

**

            They started doing yoga together almost every day. Partly because Yuri’s physical therapist suggested it. It would help him physically, but yoga was good for anxiety too. He couldn’t stand meditation. He liked guiding Otabek to help his flexibility and he liked how Otabek touched him when Yuri let him do the guiding too, even if he didn’t need much help.

            They always finished sweaty and tired and shared a quick shower before changing into some clean clothes and settling in for the evening on the couch. Yuri was thinking a lot about what Victor had said. He was too young to get married and he knew Victor had been kidding, but the more he thought about it, the more he thought that would probably be the case. One day.

            For dinner, Yuri wanted to make it as special as Otabek seemed to want it to be. He just seemed so excited to go out on a fancy date and Yuri was kind of excited too, so he wore a suit with the lacey underwear underneath and did his hair nice.

            “You’re fucking beautiful.” Otabek gaped when he saw him, pulling Yuri straight into his arms and squeezing. “I love you. You’re the most gorgeous person in the world.”

            “Geeze, Beka.” Yuri laughed. “What’s up with you?”

            “I have a date with the most beautiful boy in Russia that’s what’s up.” Otabek turned his head and pressed his lips to Yuri’s, hands still on his waist as he kissed him. “You ready?” Otabek smiled when he pulled back. “I can order the ride.”

            “It’s just dinner, Beka. I’m ready.”

            “It’s _fancy_ dinner. We’re fancy now.” Otabek held his hand out for Yuri to take and cocked his head towards the door. “Let’s go.”

            The drive to the restaurant was short and Otabek held Yuri’s hand in the back seat of the Uber, rubbing his thumb in circles over the back of his palm. Yuri didn’t know what it was, but things felt different. They could be themselves in public now.

            Otabek walked him into the restaurant when they arrived and checked in with the hostess, keeping a hand on the small of Yuri’s back as they were lead to their table. They were seated in the back of the restaurant, a table next to a decorative divider that gave them privacy from other restaurant guests. Otabek had thought everything through.

            “And can we get two glasses of champagne?” Otabek asked the waitress who came to take their drink order, who nodded, wrote it down and left them alone for the time being.

            “Beka, this is… Th-This is really nice.” Yuri said, his cheeks pink under the warm lighting. “We never do Italian food.”

            “We order pizza a lot.”

            “That does not count.” Yuri smiled, nuzzling his foot against Otabek’s ankle under the table. He didn’t usually feel like this. Sure, he felt happy around Otabek, but he just felt all warm and fuzzy this time. He wanted to be dumb and mushy and romantic. “Thanks for taking me out.”

            “I mean, I’m really proud of you for getting through that program. I know you still have to go to therapy twice a week and do some more of the physical stuff, but you’re through the worst of it and you’ve been really, really honest and hardworking with it.” Otabek reached across the table and took Yuri’s hand, running his thumb in little circles over it like he did in the car before. Yuri’s heart thumped even if the touch was small. “I wanna give you something, but you can’t laugh at me.”

            “I’m not gonna laugh.” Yuri sighed, squeezing his hand back.

            “Okay.” Otabek blushed. “Um, I don’t want to freak you out or anything either, but sometimes I kind of think about uh… I-I think about us getting married? Not now, just… one day. And I get kind of jealous sometimes when Yuuri and Victor flaunt their rings so much, so it might not be an engagement ring, but um… I bought you this.” He reached into his pocket and pulled out a black velvet box, flicking it open to reveal a silver band engraved with an intricate swirling pattern. It reminded Yuri of the patterns their skates would leave on the ice. “I-It’s kind of like a promise ring I guess? I don’t know, I just wanted you to have something nice to remind you of me.”

            “Beka…” Yuri breathed as he eyed the jewelry. “Beka, you didn’t have to do this.”

            “Do you like it?”

           “I love it.” He gulped. “I-I don’t deserve something like this though.”

            “You do.” Otabek said, taking the ring from the box and slipping it on to Yuri’s finger. “You’ve had a horrible year and you’re still standing and you’re still with me. You deserve something nice.”

            Yuri pulled his hand back to look at the ring on his finger and blinked his eyes to drive back the tears that had swelled. “Beka, I love you.”

            “I know.” He grinned. “Can I ask you something?”

            “Y-Yeah, of course.”

            Otabek leaned across the table and brushed his lips right up against Yuri’s ear. “Top me when we get home.”

            Yuri turned red all the way to the tips of his ears and nodded, shivering when Otabek pulled away and took his seat again. “Whatever you want, Beka.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Come say hi on Tumblr!! I'm nuttinonice there too and please check out domesticotayurizine!! We've been working really hard and it's gonna be an amazing zine that i'm writing a /lot/ for.


	19. Chapter Nineteen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's Nikolaaaiiiiii!   
> There will be one more chapter after this one and it'll be an epilogue!!! Thank you to everyone who's read this far!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the wait!!

            Yuri didn’t appreciate Otabek’s body enough. Sure, when they were in the midst of foreplay, he always admired his chest, his abs, his hair. He always admired how Otabek’s penis seemed to blush with his cheeks when he was aroused and how it would jump to life in his hand. But when Otabek was on all fours in front of him, he realized he’d neglected one of his boyfriend’s greatest assets.

            “Beka, Jesus fuck, how do you even sit on this?” Yuri asked, pressing one hand onto each cheek.

            “Are you calling me fat?”

            “Fat? Beks, this thing is like two fucking _boulders_.”

            “You’ve fucked me before.” Otabek laughed. “Are you surprised?”

            “You were on your back before.” Yuri said as he stared at Otabek’s prepared entrance, the lube dripping down to slick the inside of his thighs. Dear God, how did he ever think for a second that he didn’t like men? He was ready to cum just from looking at him.

            “Yura, I’m kind of getting blue balls down here.”

            “Sorry.” He smiled, bending over to press some apology kisses to Otabek’s shoulder blades. “Ready?”

            “I’ve _been_ ready.” Otabek said, wiggling his hips a little for emphasis until Yuri steadied them and lined himself up.

            The sex was a little sillier than usual. Yuri kept cracking jokes about Otabek’s ass, Otabek kept getting _too_ into it and bucking back hard enough to make Yuri fall right out of him. Yuri kept getting distracted, looking down at where his hands held Otabek’s hips and grinning at the ring on his right hand.

            They eventually gave up on doggy style, Otabek flipping onto his back and pulling Yuri on top of him to finish the job.

            “Can you order pizza?” Otabek asked when their orgasms passed, Yuri still panting on top of him.

            “Seriously?”

            “Please?”

            “Okay.” Yuri rolled his eyes, pressing a few lazy kisses to Otabek’s jaw before pulling out. “Go jump in the shower. I’ll order and join you when I’m done.”

            “Sounds good.” Otabek got out of bed and shifted from foot to foot, wincing a bit. “Shit, Yuri you really did a number on me.”

            “Really?”

            “Yakov’s gonna ask why I’m skating funny tomorrow.”

            “Welcome to my life.” Yuri reached for his phone on the nightstand and watched as Otabek limped his way to the bathroom. He was being dramatic, but it was funny to see him sore for once.

He ordered the food through an app then went to join Otabek in the shower. It was getting to be a little late at night and he loved the laziness that came after sex. Otabek washed his hair and his back, taking the time to massage the tension out of his shoulders. Yakov was going to have a conniption. He had hickeys from head to toe and no intention of covering them up.

“I’m so happy that you’re here with me.” Otabek whispered into his ear from behind. “I fucking love living with you.”

“I’m glad I’m here too.” Yuri blushed, leaning back against him and looking down at the promise ring on his finger. He didn’t even know how to express how much he loved it. It felt like an engagement ring.

“The pizza’s gonna be here soon.”

“I’ll get out in a minute. You stay and relax.” Yuri turned around in his arms and gave him a few more kisses, lingering on the last one before he pulled away.

Just as he wrapped a towel around his waist, he heard a knock on the door. “I’ll get it.” Yuri said, holding the towel up as he left the bathroom and headed out to answer the door. It wasn’t the first time a pizza guy had seen him half naked. “Hi, sorry for-“ He opened the front door and stopped cold. “Grandpa?”

“Yuratchka.”

“Did you get the pizza, Babe?” Otabek asked, walking out of their bedroom, just holding his towel in front of his crotch.

“Maybe I should have called.” Nikolai huffed.

“Shit, shit, u-uhh, hi Sir.” Otabek gulped, red in the face as he wrapped the towel around his hips.

“What are you doing here?” Yuri glared. “How do you even know where we live?”

“Find my iPhone has been signed in as you forever. Don’t know how to sign out of it.” Nikolai grumbled as he pulled his phone out of his pocket and tapped at the screen. “It said you were here.”

“Haven’t you done enough to me by now?” Yuri glared. “Grandpa, I’m happy. I’m finally happy, can you just leave me alone? I’m gone, okay? You don’t have to carry any of my shame, or whatever.”

Nikolai shifted on his feet a little. “I came to talk. Why don’t you go get dressed?”

Yuri took a step back. Now he wanted to talk? What had changed? “Give me a few minutes.” He sighed, walking back and following Otabek into the bedroom again.

“Are you okay?” Otabek frowned when they shut the door. “Do you want me to just kick him out?”

“No, I don’t know what I want to do.” Yuri grimaced. “I want to hear what he flew all the way out to say though.”

“Should I stay in here?”

“As long as you don’t hear yelling and stuff.”

“Okay.” Otabek pulled some clothes from the dresser and threw them on while Yuri did the same, putting on the first thing that was clean. “Come get me if you want me to kick him out, okay?”

            Yuri tugged his shirt on and nodded. “I’ll be right back.” His stomach twisted in knots as he headed out to the living room.

Nikolai was sitting on the sofa, waiting.

            “What did you come here for?” Yuri sighed, standing by the coffee table to avoid sitting next to him. “I thought you hated me.”

            Nikolai took a deep breath. “I saw your video.”

            “Which one?” Yuri grimaced. The interview? Him fainting? He didn’t know if it was good or bad.

            “The whole thing. You got back up, Yuratchka. That’s how I raised you.”

            Yuri rolled his eyes. “Do you even know why I fainted?”

            “I figured you overworked yourself.”

            “I have an _eating disorder_ now, Grandpa. It fucking started when you abandoned me. I felt so anxious all the time, I couldn’t keep food down and I was so malnourished that I fainted.” He glared, his arms crossed over his chest. “Do you know how much shit I’ve had to do to try and get over it? It took physical therapy and fucking medication and now I’m finally back on my feet and you just show up.”

            “I’m… sorry for all that.”

            Yuri’s face fell. “You’re what?”

            “I’m sorry.” Nikolai nodded. “I’ve been thinking… I don’t like that you’ve turned out this way, but I thought that it had changed who you were. I raised you to be strong and determined. I didn’t think you could be those things and be… what you are at the same time.”

            Yuri felt a lump forming in his throat, but swallowed it. “So what do you want from me?”

            “I don’t… feel right about how I reacted.” Nikolai grimaced. “I think I should move to St. Petersburg. I think you should move back in with me.”

            Yuri’s face paled. This was what he wanted, wasn’t it? A chance to hang on to the only real family he had. “I live with Beka now.”

            “I know. I’m not asking you to end what you’ve been doing with that boy. But I think you should move back in with me. You’re still very, very young, Yurtachka.”

            “I’m twenty next month. I can live on my own.”

            Nikolai’s eyes stopped on Yuri’s hand. “What’s the ring?”

            “It’s just something he gave me.” Yuri huffed. “How long are you here for?”

            “As long as you need to think.” Nikolai pushed himself up and sighed, walking towards the door, but stopping to squeeze Yuri’s shoulder on the way. “Think about it, Yuri. Things can be normal again.”

            Yuri watched as Nikolai left the apartment and felt his mouth quiver. _Normal again…_

            “Baby?” Otabek asked, stepping out of the bedroom. “Hey, you okay?”

            “I-I don’t know.” Yuri swallowed.

            “What did he say?” Otabek was quick to walk up to him and put his hand on Yuri’s shoulder, reaching the other up to tuck his wet hair back behind his ear.

            “H-He um…” Yuri blinked his eyes to drive back the tears. He didn’t know how he felt. “He wants me to move back in with him? H-He wants to move here and for me to live with him again. He wants to um… Fix things.” He felt Otabek’s hands tense.

            “Did you… Did you um...”

            “I-I told him I had to think.”

            Otabek bit his lip. “Do you think you’ll go?”

            “I don’t know.” Yuri swallowed. He really didn’t. He loved living with Otabek more than anything, but this was his only family. Grandpa might not even live that much longer. Maybe he needed to salvage the relationship while he could.

            “Okay.” Otabek swallowed. “It’s um… It’s late. We should go to bed.”

            “Are you sure? We could put a movie on or something.”

            “I’m tired.” Otabek shrugged his shoulders.

            Yuri felt like his heart was torn in two just seeing the sad look on Otabek’s face. What was he supposed to do? He didn’t want to move out, but he might really regret it if he didn’t. It wasn’t like they were breaking up. “Beka, don’t think about it right now. Tonight was really, really special and I don’t want it to be ruined.” He brought his hands up to Otabek’s cheeks and kissed him, holding him there until he felt Otabek relax and soften against him. “You know that nothing would actually make me forget about you, Beka? Right? You’re everything.”

            “Okay.” Otabek breathed. “Sorry, it’s just… I mean, I love you, you know? I want you to be happy, but…”

            “I know.” Yuri nodded, planting one more kiss on Otabek’s cheek. “Will you do my hair before we go to bed? It always helps me relax and that was really fucking stressful.”

            “Sure, Yura.” Otabek’s smile returned and he pressed his lips to Yuri’s forehead before leading him back through the bedroom. “You’d get sick if you went to bed with wet hair anyways.”

**

            Otabek was painful to watch at practice the next day. He tripped on crossovers, stumbled on every jump, forgot steps mid-sequence. Yuri rushed over after each hard fall to make sure he was okay, but Yakov was getting fed up.

            “Get your head in the game Altin! You’ve got competition in less than two weeks!”

            Yuri watched from the corner of the rink, grimacing as Otabek fumbled to apologize and try again.

            “What’s up with him today?” Victor frowned. “He’s never like this.”

            “It’s my fault.” Yuri sighed. “Last night wasn’t great.”

            “Did you fight?”

            “No… Grandpa’s back.”

            Victor raised his eyebrows. “Seriously?”

            “He wants me to move in with him and try to get things back to normal.”

            “But you’re living with Otabek.”

            “Yeah, but… Grandpa’s my only family.” Yuri grimaced. “He might not be around long. I don’t know if I should pass on the opportunity to fix things with him.” He watched as Otabek headed off the ice, walking through the glass doors out to the locker rooms. He probably needed a break. “I’m really torn.”

            “Hm.” Victor grimaced.

            “What?”

            “Could Otabek handle you moving out?”

            “I mean, we’ve been through worse. I would see him every day.”

            “Do you _want_ that?”

            “I love living with Beka.” Yuri sighed. “I don’t want to move out, but I don’t know if I can live with myself if I pass up the opportunity to make things right with Grandpa.”

            Victor nodded, opening his mouth to say something when he saw Yuuri skating towards them. “Yuuri!” He beamed. “Come here, my Solnishko.” He opened his arms and made grabby hands until Yuuri made his way up and planted a quick kiss on his cheek.

            “Hey, Vitya.” Yuuri smiled, putting a hand on his shoulder before he turned to Yuri. “Hey, there’s a situation.”

            “What do you mean?” Yuri frowned.

            “Otabek just went into the locker room crying.”

            His face paled. “What?” Tears weren’t cheap with Otabek. Sure, Yuri had seen him cry a few times. He’d put him through some serious shit lately, but that was what it took for Otabek Altin to shed a tear. “Why?”

            “I’m not sure.” Yuuri sighed. “I just saw him go in and left. I didn’t want to embarrass him, but you should go talk to him.”

            “Shit.” Yuri looked at Victor. “He wasn’t this upset last night.”

            “I mean, it’s Otabek.” Victor shrugged. “He’s a pretty selfless guy. He doesn’t want to make you choose between him or your only family.”

            “I’m going to see him.” Yuri sighed. “Tell Yakov I took a break if he asks.” He was quick to move off the ice. Why didn’t Otabek tell him last night if he felt so strongly about him staying? Was something else going on?

He put his hard guards on and rushed to get to the locker room. “Beka?” It was quiet. “Babe?” He rounded the corner to the showers to see Otabek sitting on the bench, staring down at his lap.

“Hey.” Otabek croaked.

            “Beka…” Yuri frowned, walking up and putting his hands on his cheeks to lift his face. His eyes were wet. “What’s going on?”

            Otabek shook his head. “I’m being dramatic. It’s dumb.”

            “It’s not dumb if you’re crying.”

            “Who saw me?”

            “Other Yuuri. He didn’t want to embarrass you or anything.”

            “Thought I heard someone else.” Otabek mumbled as Yuri brushed the tear tracks off his cheeks. “I’m sorry, Yura.”

            “Don’t be sorry. Just because I’ve been a wreck doesn’t mean you don’t get to be upset. Is this because of what Grandpa said?” Yuri sat down next to him and kept his hand on his back, rubbing it in slow circles.

            Otabek’s mouth wobbled a little. “Yura, I-I want to say that I’m worried about you relapsing and me not being there and that’s a big part of it, but honestly, I just don’t want you to go. I don’t want you to move out and it’s so fucking selfish of me.”

            “It’s not selfish.” Yuri rolled his eyes. “Beka, you don’t ask for anything.”

            “I’m practically guilt tripping you for wanting to reconnect with your grandfather.” Otabek sighed. “I’m sorry. I don’t want you to think that you have to stay, I just… I just want you to.” Otabek’s voice cracked a bit and he moved over to hug him, hiding his face in Yuri’s neck. “I don’t want to sleep alone. I don’t want to stop cooking dinner for us and watching movies with you on the couch. It would fucking suck. I want to be with you, I’m so sorry.”

            Yuri’s heart swelled a bit. Living together meant that much to Otabek? “Beka, I don’t want to move out. I’ve been thinking really hard about it, but if moving out would hurt you? I mean that makes up my mind.”

            “Seriously?” Otabek swallowed. “Yura, you don’t have to-“

            “You’ve gone through way too much because of me. I’m not hurting you anymore.” Yuri stood up and kissed the top of Otabek’s head, putting his hands on his shoulders. “Grandpa abandoned me. I’d love to fix things, but not at the expense of you.”

            Otabek wrapped his arms around him and pressed his face into Yuri’s stomach. “I love you. I’m sorry.”

            “Stop being sorry, Beka. I’ve asked way too much of you. It’s fine to ask something of me.” Yuri squatted down and nuzzled his nose against Otabek’s. “I’ll tell him no. You’re my family now. If he wants to move to St. Peters, than fine, but he doesn’t get to take me away from you and if he wants any kind of relationship, he needs to treat you like a son.”

            “Thank you so much, Yura.” Otabek breathed, hugging him a little tighter. “I don’t mean to be dramatic and stuff, but um…” He sniffed a bit and pulled back, wiping his eyes. “We’ve been through a lot now. I don’t think I can really be separated from you without going a little crazy.”

            “Tell me next time you feel this strongly about something, Beka. If I knew you were crying over this, I would have already decided.” Yuri turned his head and leaned in to give him a short kiss, shutting his eyes and letting Otabek take comfort in the affection.

            Otabek leaned right into it, putting one hand at the back of Yuri’s head to hold him in place until he was ready to part. “I’ll make this up to you.”

            “There’s nothing to make up, Dummy.” Yuri rolled his eyes and planted another kiss on Otabek’s cheek. “I love you. You come first and shit now.”

            “I love you too.” Otabek grinned, his eyes still pink and wet as he held him tight. “I don’t want Yakov to think I was crying because I got yelled at or anything. Can you stay with me for a minute?”

            “Of course.” Yuri nodded, reaching up to run a hand through Otabek’s hair. “You still sore from yesterday?”      

            “A little bit.” Otabek laughed. “You really went for it.”

            “Sorry.” Yuri slid one hand down to cup Otabek’s ass and snickered. “I guess you kind of got a taste of your own medicine, yeah?”

            “Are you this sore every time?”

            “No, but when we first started having sex, skating was hell sometimes.” Yuri planted another kiss on Otabek’s cheek. “I’m gonna ask Grandpa to have dinner with us, okay? I’m gonna tell him I’m staying with you.”

            “Thank you, Yura.” Otabek sighed. “We can tell him together.”

            They spent a little longer in the locker room, sharing a few comforting words before getting back on the ice for the day. Otabek did better. He clearly wasn’t as nerve wracked as before, but Yuri could see him wincing. Maybe he should be a little gentler next time he was on top.

            He spent a little time goofing around with him when Yakov let him, having Otabek lift him up and spin him around. When not too many people had their eyes on them, he kissed Otabek to make sure he knew he’d meant what he said in the locker rooms.

            When they left practice, Yuri called his grandfather. He made a reservation for dinner. His heart was heavy with the thought of losing him, but he was confident in what he was deciding. Otabek was the one who had been there for him, who loved him unconditionally, who didn’t abandon him at the first sign of hardship. He was first from now on.

            “You nervous?” Otabek asked when they finished getting ready.

            “A little, but I’m glad this is what we’re doing. I want to stay with you.” He shook his hair out a bit and kissed Otabek’s cheek, nuzzling his nose against the spot. “If he’s an asshole, we leave. That’s it.”

            “Okay.” Otabek breathed, putting his hands on Yuri’s waist to pull him close. “I love you. Thanks for doing this for me.”

            “It’s for both of us, Beks. I don’t want to be away from you.” Yuri reached up to fix his hair a bit and smiled. “Let’s take the bike to the restaurant.”

            Yuri held on to Otabek tight for the whole ride there, relishing in Otabek’s warmth and how the wind whipped at his hair. He didn’t feel so worried anymore. If Grandpa wanted to move and be near him, that would be great. If he didn’t, then they would be okay.

            They arrived a few minutes late on purpose, not wanting to be the first ones there. Once they got inside, the hostess took them to a table where Nikolai was already waiting.

            “Hi Grandpa.” Yuri said as he sat down, holding Otabek’s hand tight as they took their seats.

            “Yuratchka.” He nodded. “Dinner’s on me. Order what you like.”

            “You don’t have to do that.”

            “I think I owe you that much.” He sighed. “Have you thought about what I asked?”

            “Yeah.” Yuri nodded. He was relieved they were going to get right to it. If it was going to go south, he’d like to leave before they ordered. “I have.”

            “Do you want to?”

            Yuri took a deep breath and shook his head. “No, Grandpa. I really want us to talk again and I want us to see each other, but I don’t want to move back in. I live with Beka now and he’s done a lot for me. He’s done everything for me. I’m staying with him, but if you want to move to St. Petersburg, I’d love to see you. I miss having you at competitions, or at least knowing you’re watching.”

            “Well okay then.” Nikolai shrugged. “I’ll need a little help moving.”

            Yuri’s heart swelled. “Sure, Grandpa.” He smiled. “We’d love to.”

            “Does this one talk?” He asked, cocking his head towards Otabek.

            “Um.” Otabek cleared his throat and nodded. “Yeah, I actually wanted to ask you some stuff.”

            Yuri raised his eyebrows. Otabek hadn’t mentioned that.

            “Did Yuri catch you up on his health situation?”

            “Somewhat.” Nikolai said.

            They were interrupted briefly by a waitress taking their drink orders, but Otabek didn’t lose his train of thought when she left.

            “Yura’s had a hard year. He’s in therapy now and he needs to keep going. He needs to put a lot of work into his health. Mental and physical.” Otabek sighed. “I don’t… want him to get backtracked. I don’t want him to go through any more of the pain he’s just gotten over. Are you gonna be here for him?”

            Nikolai grimaced. “You really have taken care of him.”

            “More than he should have had to.” Yuri sighed, giving Otabek’s hand a squeeze.

            “I don’t intend on making any of the same mistakes.”

            “And if we got married would you support us?” Otabek asked and Yuri’s heart leapt to his throat. “Not now, but down the line.”

            Nikolai nodded. “I actually gave that a lot of thought. A year ago, never. Now, yes. I would. I want what’s best for Yuratchka.”

            Otabek cracked a smile, running his thumb over the back of Yuri’s hand. “Then we should have dinner more often.”

**

            Yuri laid awake a while that night. He’d dug out an old picture frame of him and his grandfather and put it back up, finding a place for it on the nightstand. He kept looking between the photo and Otabek sleeping next to him. He looked so soft when he was asleep. His hair messy, his lips parted. Yuri had never felt so lucky.

            There was only one word on his mind when he finally laid down to go to sleep, pressing one more kiss against Otabek’s forehead.

            Family.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't forget to come say hey on tumblr!!! nuttinonice.tumblr.com  
> Also I'm really sorry for the delay on this, i've been really busy lately and i've also fallen in love with voltron a bit. I've also been super busy with the otayuri zine!! Make sure to follow that too at domesticotayurizine.tumblr.com


	20. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's the epilogue!!! Four years later and it's time for our boys to get their happily ever after!

            Yuri bit his lip as he perused the binder full of color palettes on their dining room table. Shit, he’d put off some decision making for far too long. He hadn’t realized that until he made his mind up about colors, they couldn’t do invitations, flowers, anything. Why was it so hard? How could he possibly pick a set of colors to describe their relationship?

            “Hey hubby.” Otabek smiled, pressing up from behind and snaking his arms around Yuri’s waist. “How goes the decision?”

            “ _Future_ hubby.” Yuri said as he glanced down at the ring on his finger. “Are you gonna weigh in on this?”

            “Only if you want me to.”

            “Do you have an idea?”

            “Kind of, but I know you wanted to handle the bulk of the aesthetics decisions.” Otabek shrugged. He was more in charge of the reception and music.

            Yuri sighed and admitted defeat, turning around in Otabek’s arms to give him a kiss. If he hadn’t been turned soft already, the new apartment and the proposal sure did the trick.

He was twenty-two now. A little young for marriage, but not to him. Otabek was twenty-five and after everything they’d been through, they couldn’t stand to wait any longer. Yuri was still competing hard, but Otabek had retired. He was working in a recording studio just down the road and it seemed to make him just as happy as skating did. They’d moved to a new place, a bigger apartment between the studio and the rink. It felt like home from day one.

“What’s your idea?” Yuri asked, hands on Otabek’s shoulders just to be touching him.

“Remember when we met? Not like first met at Yakov’s, but _met_ met.”

“The final, yeah.”

“Well… I can never forget you in that agape costume.” Otabek smiled, pressing a sweet kiss to the corner of Yuri’s mouth. “And I always liked how my costume was white and blue with a little silver, just like yours. Wouldn’t those be nice colors for the wedding?”

“You’re such a fucking sap, that’s a great idea.” Yuri sighed. “Let’s go with that. Thank you.”

“My pleasure.” Otabek shrugged. “Nikolai will like it. He warned me against letting you pick something too flashy.”

            “Course he did.” Yuri huffed, but his heart was warm knowing his Grandpa would be walking him down the aisle. “Have you invited all of Kazakhstan yet?”

            “I’m working on shortening the list. Don’t worry.” Otabek took his hands away and sidestepped him to shut the wedding binder. “We’re both off today. Why don’t we postpone the wedding mania and go have a picnic somewhere. We can get take out and ride the bike to somewhere nice while it’s a little warm out.” He pulled Yuri in by the waist again and nuzzled his nose against his neck. They’d gotten clingier than ever since the engagement. “We can come home and work on that stiff mattress after.”

            Yuri rolled his eyes and laughed. “Beka, it’s not getting any softer. We should just get a mattress pad.”

            “I think we could break it in a little more.” Otabek pecked his lips one more time then pulled away, cocking his head towards the front door. “Picnic date?”

            “Sounds good.”

            Yuri took a minute to get changed and tie his hair up. It had gotten much longer in the past year, or so and he relished in how Otabek fawned over the long hair.

            On the bike, he held tight to his fiancee’s waist, keeping his eyes shut until they arrived at a grassy area by the lake and laid out on the blanket with lunch. His heart felt so much fuller now. No more angst, or confusion. Otabek was his rock and they were finally, finally just _so fucking_ happy together. He never thought twice about eating anymore. He saw his Grandpa for dinner twice a week.

            Life was perfect.

            After a picnic that lasted until the sunset and an hour of lovemaking that left Yuri spent and satisfied on their too-hard mattress, he curled right up with Otabek to mumble all the usual sayings about how happy he was, how good it had felt, how much he loved him. Otabek said them all right back until they were almost asleep.

            “Do you want to go out again after your practice tomorrow?” Otabek asked, one hand stroking lovingly down Yuri’s back.

            “Yeah, why not?” Yuri smiled, feeling his future husband’s heart beat against his ear. “We’ve got all the time in the world.”

 

End.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A a a a it's finally done!!! I know it's very short, but i feel like it's all that needed to be sad. Happy ending!!!!  
> If you made it this far make sure to leave me a comment and thank you for reading this whole thing?? omg?
> 
> I made a Twitter if y'all want to hit me up, but find me on [Tumblr](http://nuttinonice.tumblr.com/) too! Thanks for reading!!

**Author's Note:**

> Some chapters will be shorter/longer than others, but expect at least one a week! I will aim for two, but I don't want to make any promises I can't keep. Give the fic some love on Tumblr!


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